being a real adult now
sorry again for the long silence. I've graduated from my master's program and am now working full-time in the same city, at a local Japanese company. I'm officially an adult for real! the thing is, it's a very traditional Japanese company. they might have recognized my internationalness by making a new subdivision, some kind of project/business planning and advancement section, at the same time as my hiring, but it doesn't change the fact that the office itself is kind of a depressing place, that there are morning meetings and daily records that need to be done that are entirely a waste of time, and that I'm probably not going to get to do what I really, actually want to do. oh, and the women can ONLY wear skirts?? seriously?! I was surprised when the president and several managers told us the first few years would be rough and that we probably wouldn't enjoy our work. in a country where most people don't work at a place that engages their passions or interests, I guess that's not surprising. I reassured myself by thinking that hey, it can't be that bad if they're being this decent to you by letting you join a pretty high-up admin position from the get-go. but I came home today and while I was making my dinner and lunch for tomorrow, I just started bawling. I realized that this is going to be my life for the next few years at least--working 8 hours a day, making myself bento boxes every week, trying to keep up in Japanese and occasionally feeling like an idiot all the while. home is 9000 kilometers and a 9 hour, $600+ flight away, and I've only just moved into my new place, so it's pretty empty still. my closest friends are also working adults in the big city, or they're full-time students. I'm the only person who can keep my shit together for myself now. I feel so alone and overwhelmed even though I know I'm not, and I know I'm really blessed in comparison to a lot of others. my company takes very good care of its employees, and they did so many other extra things for me because I'm a foreigner. I pay virtually nothing in rent because of their support, and I live a 3 minute walk from the office. I have kind coworkers and a more than reasonable salary. I have no right to be upset about anything or to think that this is "hard," because most people would dream of a job with such lenient working conditions. but you can't help it, I know. I cried the very first night after coming to Japan. I was convinced I had made a mistake, just because I had made a huge shift in my everyday life. I hate change, and I get very stressed out dealing with new environments and new people. as everyone always says, it gets better. just the first few days or weeks might suck at first, but eventually I can get over this... I can make it. I know I will. I have to. I joined this company as a stepping stone to what I imagine will be my future career. eventually I want to return to the university I attended as support staff for student-athletes, but I was advised to take a safe position nearby, learn the ropes of business and business culture in Japan, and make my move when the time was right in a few years. that's what I agreed with myself, so even if I just want to run away and pretend that this isn't my life now, I have to take the proper steps from here on out. anyway, that was just me venting into the void. tl;dr I'm an adult even though I don't want to be, but boohoo suck it up, mame, this is what you signed up for.
