mandawithasmile

Amanda. Cali. you sunshine/you temptress

[closedooropenwindow-deactivated]

[gnarcotic]

[tinglingpeter]

[mandawithasmile]

cuba 1989 Linda Evangelista

not my photo. just editorial about cuba, havana

[mandawithasmile]

what if I just use this place once again as a way to vomit all the thoughts in my head into one place, into one can if you will. 

[love]

“The Blue Flowers” art based on Otto Dix painting. By The Weaver House.

[borisovnaanna]

[mandawithasmile]

I don’t know what you expect of me. I don’t know what you want. Did you just wanna be able to talk on the phone here and there? Were you ever gonna say sorry even though you’re not.? You knew I would answer, if you called me on your drive home, And even though my heart is racing, I just don’t wanna pick up the phone. I don’t want to feel you like this in my bloodstream, I don’t want your smoke in my lungs anymore, Now I’m fireproof and you’re sparking up wildfires just like you did before. I feel sorry for you, and a large part of me does care, Just know you made me feel useless, and I may forgive but I won’t forget the lack of air, I felt when you walked out of my life, I couldn’t breathe and you were just fine. I felt so much for you last year, I put you before everything, you were my sunshine, But only in your presence have I misplaced my happiness for the last time. I don’t need you like before, I’m no longer reliant And I bet it comes as a shock to you that I’m not so compliant. Last year was dangerous, I never should have given you so much, But I regret never truly being able to just be myself. What made you come looking for me, the change in seasons, the change in the warmth of your bed, is loneliness your friend? You must have sensed that I stopped dreaming of you. Stopped thinking about the current you, now I only miss the old. Maybe I don’t care as much as I thought, maybe I’m so used to loving I didn’t know when to stop. Maybe I know you a lot better than you think, maybe I don’t care for you now that you can’t play my favorite song on my heart strings. And I don’t think you understand the girl you gave up, Cause the thing is you didn’t have to be in love to miss her this much.

[st-pam]

Felt like using some colour

[love]

“This photograph is my proof. There was that afternoon, when things were still good between us, and she embraced me, and we were so happy. It did happen. She did love me. Look for yourself.” This is my proof, Duane Michals, 1974

[disclosur]

[republicofnowhere]

[mandawithasmile]

I have no problem battling with the stars, begging them to change their mind about him and I, begging them to let us stay side by side, but even I knew it was wrong.

I have no problem closing my blinds at night so no moonlight can enter, if only for a little while to protest what they did to us. My nights don’t end in sadness any longer, they only end with a battle over what’s more of an annoyance to me; my lack of self-control over my emotions, or my hope that he was capable of loving me the way I so desperately wanted to love him.

I had myself convinced that my love was enough for the both of us and that if I cared enough he would see that and he’d start to feel for me how I felt for him. So I suppressed my feelings as best I could, and I thought if I treated him good eventually he’d realize he didn’t need anyone else.

I let him make me feel like a fool for so long for not being able to control what I felt, when he was the fool all along for not being able to see the good my love could bring...a love he won’t find anywhere else.

Because even when he does decide to love again, it’s never gonna be with someone who could love him more than I could.

There’s no one who will see the softness of an LA sunset in his eyes like I could.

There’s no one who will hold him in that apartment off Ventura blvd like I did all those morning before he left for work.

There’s no one who will ride beside him in that Benz down Mulholland and eventually on it’s last ride back to the coast.

There’s no one who will crumble before him like I could of.

No one will feel like they’re standing in the eye of a hurricane before him because he won’t end up with someone with the kindness of my heart, or the patience of my ear, or with the compassion of my soul, or with the fire I bring to anything or anyone I’m truly passionate for, because he isn’t able to handle it, he doesn’t understand it because it challenges everything he knows about living in the moment. 

He hangs onto his youth like the motorcycle he bought last spring and doesn’t ride.

Like the girl he introduces to his coworkers and friends yet who still reduces him to online dating accounts.

Like the hairstyle he clung onto because she told him to keep it despite his own feelings of it.

I have no problem being upset with the stars for bringing together a fire and water sign and making them believe they could stand in the balance of a friendship, because even the stars knew they were doomed from the start.

[sacred-dwellings]

[ana-elisabeta]

[nycbambi]

[alanouddxx]