Mango

trans guy 23

[mangotheguy]

Welcome to "mangotheguy"'s page!

I am a mentally ill 21 year old, who started writing fanfiction recently. I also like writing vent posts, diary entries and "poetry". I don't think my creations make me an artist, it's just what I enjoy doing. ANYWAY Here's some of my fanfiction: Punishing: Gray Raven 1. Overloaded Beneath the Vigil Lee x gn!Commandant

[mangotheguy]

That moment when your f/o is the most caring bastard alive and wants you to take care of yourself, but instead you spend hours and hours on hyperfixating on them.

yeah, no I'm not okay lol

[tempusgate]

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ 💌꒱.*ೃ 𝐀𝐌 𝐈 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐎𝐍𝐋𝐘 𝐎𝐍𝐄....

𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐒: male x Lee, although it's first pov so it's also gender neutral, canon-divergence, Lee is out of character, weird ㅤㅤㅤ〔 NO BETA 〕

𝐒𝐘𝐍𝐎𝐏𝐒𝐈𝐒: based off one of Palefire's voicelines. Might write a part two when he is a bit more fucked up because MC keep feeding his possessive behaviour.

✂………………………………………………………………………………………………

Ever since he came back from whatever happened inside that tower, Lee has been a bit… weird, to say the least. Because, as someone who has been with him for enough years, you started to pinpoint his behaviour and changes of mood, his humour (or the lack of it), what he likes or dislikes, and you certainly got good at knowing when he's bothered by someone or something.

Today is one of those days. He is bothered, or you could even say he is actually angry. But for some reason it has been a little bit complicated to figure out what exactly annoyed him because he has been avoiding you. Working alone? Forget it, someone is always in the lounge and you can tell it was on purpose noticing how awkward the third party felt during those days. Practice? That's also a no, saying he already taught you everything you needed to know and mentioned how Wanshi is suddenly better at it.

You're losing your patience. In addition to that, he has been spending a lot of time with Asimov, apparently, just for a routine check-up to his new frame and to collect information and whatever else he comes up with as an excuse. He is bothered, and so are you.

Standing up from your seat, you decided to go straight to Asimov and ask for information. He would give in if you go with a good cup of coffee, so on the way to his lab, you bought two. Knowing knocking the door wouldn't work out, you opted to just barge inside. The scientist flinched at the sudden loud noise, looking at your way as confused and tired as ever. He knows you're angry and he can't escape from you.

ㅤㅤㅤ“If it's about Lee, I know nothing.”

ㅤㅤㅤ“I knew it!” you exclaimed, stopping a few centimetres from his face, “something IS going on with him and you're gonna tell me.” you finished while showing him the two cups of recently brewed coffee. The smell was too good to ignore it.

There was an awkward silence until he sighed heavily, rolled his eyes and was ready to spill the beans when a firm and strong metallic hand grabs your arm and pulls you far away from Asimov. You lost your balance and bumped against his sturdy body. You didn't need to look, you already know it's Lee. There's also something else you're hundreds percent sure and it's that… he is angry.

ㅤㅤㅤ“What were you two doing right now?” His voice never sounded so ridiculously sharp. Lee's hand is still firmly holding you close to him.

ㅤㅤㅤ“Blackmail” said Asimov

ㅤㅤㅤ“Nothing” you answered right at the same time.

Fine. Asimov is not entirely wrong, but wasn't he being a bit too petty? Either way, you keep thinking you have all the right to get information about your teammates by any possible means. You give a side eye to Lee, just to check how fucked up you are. And boy, it's really bad. At this moment is when you are a bit sure his eyes can change colour when he's having strong emotions, from those light blue eyes to a slightly darker hue.

He doesn't say anything, instead, he drags you back to the lounge while Asimov runs behind you to get those two cups of coffee off you before locking himself back inside the lab. That bastard, when I catch you Asimov, when I catch you…

Once you're both, finally, alone you feel extremely awkward. You're fidgeting, not knowing what to do with your hands or how to stand, the air feels a bit heavy and it's impossible to not notice how intense his eyes are.

ㅤㅤㅤ“What were you doing with him? And don't lie to me.” Lee broke the silence first, his tone still sharp. He was scolding you. How laughable.

ㅤㅤㅤ“But it's true that we weren't doing anything in particular. I just wanted to talk, that's all.” And you are not lying, and you didn't before, but weirdly enough, you feel guilty.

ㅤㅤㅤ“And you needed to be that close to him to talk?” Lee replied back, his posture changed, arms crossed, with that kind of attitude people have when they caught their partner cheat… wait.

Wait.

Now that you think about it in more detail, Lee has been having that specific attitude whenever you're talking to someone else, whenever you are too close to anyone else but him. It happened before when you were explaining something to Kamui, you could say you were pretty close, and Lee grabbed you the same way he did just before. And back to Wanshi, that sleepyhead has been teaching you about snipers for a while and Lee didn't seem to mind until…

What the hell is going on here? Am I delusional or is this man… jealous? Well, you just need to ask. So you do.

You walk to him, shortening the distance, and you can see he's getting a bit self-aware of his own feelings right now. His eyes are looking everywhere to find the perfect excuse to escape. You stop, only a breath away before your lips can touch…

ㅤㅤㅤ“Are you jealous?” your voice is soft, barely a whisper but it reaches his ears perfectly fine and he's blushing, and fuck if he does look cute all flustered.

He is really trying his best to maintain his cool, but you know you just need to push a little bit more and he will give in.

ㅤㅤㅤ“What's so wrong if I'm too close to Wanshi when he's teaching me stuffs? It's not like he's gonna eat me or something” You smirked, your body is more relaxed and maybe that was a mistake.

Lee grabs you by the collar of your uniform and pushes you against the wall. His eyes are back to that dark blue, which means he is angry again. You're holding a smile, you don't want to keep teasing your good luck.

ㅤㅤㅤ“I need to be the only one that's close to you, understood? No one else but me.” he said through gritted teeth.

If there was someone who would've told you in the past that the soft, caring Lee also had a possessive side you would have laughed in disbelief, but here you are now. And if you're being completely honest, you don't hate it at all. It's even… hot. You think that, maybe from now on, things might get more interesting with him.

────────────── ❁ ──────────────

〔 🎐 〕 mentally ill about Lee being fucked up in the head, my bad.

[mangotheguy]

Overloaded Beneath the Vigil

AO3 link

Ships: Commandant/Lee, Commandant & Lee (Lee's and Commandant's relationship is up to interpretation.)

Tags: gn!reader, sfw, Lee:Hyperreal, Canon Compliant, Light Angst, M.I.N.D overload, Sensory Overload, Duty, Caretaking, Sleep Deprivation, Overworking, Reader-Insert, Y/N

Summary:

The Commandant fell asleep in his office again, only to be found by Lee: Hyperreal. As Lee carefully carries them to their room, he battles his own inner turmoil.

Notes:

First time posting. I've been really into Lee lately, especially after exploring his affection stories. I haven't finished the main story yet, so sorry for any inaccuracies! I based everything on his voicelines, secrets, etc.

Lee sighed. This was a common sight for him, but nonetheless a little disappointing. Was this their way of revenge on him? To make him worry by showing off that humans can also stay up for three days straight like he does?

“Commandant. I brought the documents you req–” Lee wanted to finish his sentence but was interrupted by what he saw in Y/N's office. They were asleep at their desk.

But he brushed his worries aside and walked towards their desk, placing a few papers on top of the other stacks of documents.

Lee thought that their desk was always riddled with those. “Annoying. Let them rest sometimes,” he muttered unconsciously under his breath.

He looked up at the Commandant again. His expression softened, and he leaned his head on the side of the desk. There's no hurry, he thought. With his left hand, he reached out to Y/N's hair, fiddling with it. He curled it around his fingers, analyzing how it felt and moved between his digits. A gentle smile wore on his face as he enjoyed this quiet moment. When he was about to reach out and caress the Commandant's cheek, he was startled and froze.

Lee stood behind the desk, next to the Commandant's chair, which had now become their bed. With a sigh, he crouched down next to them, but instead of his usual gentle nagging, he just stared at Y/N. He was getting sick of them overworking constantly again. His gaze shifted to the ground. Why isn't their paperwork automated at this point? We have damn constructs, yet more paperwork. Nonsense.

Lee huffed, annoyed.

“Lee… ” said the leader softly. Were they awake?

Lee stood up. He recognized that he was acting strangely and tried to recover by doing his usual routine. “Commandant..? Commandant! Are you awake?” he said very softly.

“Nghh,” only grumbling could be heard from Y/N as they shifted in their sleep.

Lee placed his hand on Y/N's back: “Commandant..?” No response. Thank god, they were still sleeping. Lee became flushed and facepalmed, screaming at himself from the inside.

“Ugh. What's wrong with me?” Lee whispered to himself. He'd never done that before. Usually, he'd quickly scoop up the Commandant and get them to bed. Tonight was an exception he didn't anticipate. Maybe he needed to recompile some of his system.

After chewing himself out, Lee lifted Y/N up bridal style. He noted how light they were compared to a few months ago. Or maybe he had just become stronger? “Either way, they should gain some weight,” Lee said to himself.

On his way to Y/N's room, he took great care to avoid any witnesses. Every night he'd keep hacking into the camera system, unnoticed. Mostly because he didn't want rumors spreading about Gray Raven's great leader. But in the back of his mind, he knew that was the perfect excuse to be more… selfish. Only he would see Y/N sleepy and vulnerable like this. Although he knew other constructs, especially Lucia and Liv, knew about this bad habit of theirs, he was the one by their side every night. It was his moment. “Everyone has their eyes on you, Commandant… ” Lee whispered as he pressed his forehead against theirs. “Just let me have this.”

Lee's M.I.N.D started to deviate. A potential M.I.N.D overload was imminent. “Shit,” cursed Lee, and he quietly placed the Commandant on the ground, leaning against the floor. He sat next to them, letting them rest on his shoulder while he waited to be overloaded for a few seconds. For some reason, he kept having these issues, especially in front of the Commandant, which he felt embarrassed about. He thought that performing multiple highly precise calculations at the same time was one of the only ways to get a M.I.N.D overload, but that wasn't the case anymore. At times, he couldn't convince himself anymore that this wouldn't cause any data errors or affect his daily work.

“Urgh…” Lee groaned, his M.I.N.D spontaneously overloading. He held his head between his hands, leaning his arms against his knees. They usually lasted only a few seconds, but every time those few seconds were excruciating. And this time he didn't have a conscious leader to rely on. “Rely… on? Urgh,” Lee groaned again, cursing his newfound weakness. He had been relying on others more, but he didn't want anyone to know about this, especially his Commandant. But their mere presence made these moments ever so slightly more bearable. Every time a M.I.N.D overload happened and they were there, he'd gain more conviction. He would keep the Commandant safe, no matter how painful these moments were.

Lee closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the wall. “Ahh…” Relief. Finally. He pinched the space between his eyes, readjusting his focal length. As he came to, Y/N was still resting on his shoulder. “Hah. You could probably sleep through anything, Commandant,” Lee laughed. As if on instinct, Y/N curled up and readjusted their sleeping position. Seeing this, Lee fought back his inner voice's reactions to the sight. He felt guilty for seeing this side of Y/N. Lee gave up on checking the security cameras. He convinced himself that overchecking the cams was the cause of his M.I.N.D overload. If there were any witnesses, so be it. He leaned his head against Y/N's and closed his eyes.

“If I no longer see you here at this time one day, I'm sure it'll take me a long time to get used to it…” he confessed. To whom? Who knows. Best not to ruminate on it.

A strange feeling of comfort enveloped him as he embraced the idea that his time with them is limited. No matter how many philosophical books he read about time, everyone agreed that there's no escaping it. Life is followed by death. Destruction creates energy. “Miracles” come at a high price. If miracles did exist, he would gladly become the price for them. For they are priceless to him.

When Lee had fully accepted the stillness around the two of them, he had made a full recovery and could finish his task of tucking the Commandant into bed.

As he laid down the blanket, he stared at them a while longer. His excuse being that he was guarding them just in case they were followed. After making sure Y/N's breathing and status seemed stable, Lee leaned by the bedroom door. He closed his eyes and crossed his arms, staying like that for the rest of the night. Thirty minutes before Y/N's alarm went off, Lee left the room.

When the Commandant entered the kitchen that morning, they were greeted by Lee.

“Morning. You awake? I made too much coffee, so you can have some.” It was a blatant lie, and they both knew it. Nonetheless, Y/N chuckled as Lee lowered his head to hide his slightly flushed face. He didn't need to lie to them about such a small thing, but old habits die hard.

They enjoyed the rest of their breakfast together. The Commandant ate some breakfast as Lee gave them a briefing on tomorrow’s mission. He couldn't help but notice them spacing out instead of listening to him.

Notes:

He said jokingly: “Why do you keep staring at me? Do I have the mission brief on my face?”

Thanks for reading! Please leave your thoughts in the comments.

[356migoro]

Shh..Not now, I still have work to do

[nyaa]

how can i make my body stay asleep at night

[communist-hatsunemiku]

ershmash

[mangotheguy]

04/10/2024

"Summer blue"

What colour is my soul? I'm in love with human sin The pretty, the ugly

It's never enough. Swallow me whole. Wallow in your hues Let's make more blues

Give me your heart, Lend me your guts Let's make a pretty bow And maybe some knots Wrap it round and round Till you're nowhere to be found

My summer blue

[mangotheguy]

27/10/2024

Drown in me

Every time you think of me It feels so bittersweet My dear it's alright I'm the man of your dreams

I dread the sinister I hear the ministers Of hell and heaven Colluding within my miiiind

They tell me all these lies About you and I The rose tinted glasses The well kept intentions Which one will it be this time?

Will you tear me apart Will I consume your heart Or will I stay defeated In battles that lack boundaries

But if it makes you happy I'll wear a fake smile And push down my feelings Till they explode out

And then you'll be scared Who is this bloody man? That I trusted with myself And went along his plan

Will I ever get an answer? Did he avoid me all this time?

What worth is there in love Where one of us is rotten And wears a mask of joy To hide the sins inside

I live to tell lies I want to see your eyes Don't show them to others Or I will poke them out

If you stay by my side I'll tell you sweet lies So I could get a affection From a real person

Touch wherever you want Objectify me Just don't forget to tell me That I am doing good

Just please don't forget me Leave all your thoughts behind And let's enjoy a night Of many flashing lights

[mangotheguy]

11/11/2024

(unfinished draft?)

He's not here anymore. There's no one behind these eyes. Echos of a person who once was. Now covered in a layer of fog.

In the distance, there's wind-chimes Their sound reverberating across songs They whisper among us With disgust and anger Anguished by their thoughts

It's been 21 years. I'm tired of gray skies The bright screens The yellow grass

My cold feet My shaky hands My heavy heart My broken mind

I yearn for those who made me feel something The post break up depression ate me whole

I despise my bodily functions

[mangotheguy]

18/11/2024

(i thought about starting to post things on tumblr. my thoughts, feelings, the anime i watch. i'll put it all out there. i know it will all be for naught and they are cringe but it's okay.)

The gentle caresses of paper The ink settling on a page Reminds me of things I lack Of things I wish I knew

The piercing eyes of a character The emotions conveyed through words They linger in my mind for a while Until they get blown out like a candle

The things I hope for a future I lack Have been trusted to an artist Way beyond the horizon Their works published on rocks And translated by monks It feels illegal to hold these stones But they deliver me my hopes and dreams Make me trust these make believes

For once I wish I could share These beautiful works of diligent hares But alas, it is taboo to show Creations made of lavender

But it's wonderful to see Someone pink like me Being accepted as he is Having a parent to relate to And a son to connect with

Wish I could've felt safe like that To be hugged instead of yelled at Brought relief in place of fear And be loved for who I am

Instead I dawdle among my peers Stuck in the past and controlled by my fears I seek out unconditional love To fill something that was never there

I can never truly love my family My lovers, my friends For there's a wall between me and them That was created way back then

It all feels like make believe A game I have to play along with For my survival and sanity

That's why I read my bibles And seek out myself within them I wish I was ink on a paper And crumpled up by a genius

Maybe then I'd be finally useful Jumping up and down with joy For I am nothing when I'm alone Then at least I would've been something Something greater than on my own A creative endeavor A passing thought Just anything else other than this cursed fuck

My slumber is broken each night By beliefs of my wrongdoing So fickle is a mind of a dust bunny Swept away by it's impromptu emotions Carried away by it's whims Moving on like it doesn't matter Whether it gets infested Or scoured away

Leave it alone and it shall fester Get close and it will cling Like a crazy ex who won't stop texting Or a doting mother who won't stop calling A sad friend swallowed whole by his own depression

[mangotheguy]

After school

To preface this, I live alone on my mother's dime. I only pay rent.

My college classes have ended for the week and I am exhausted. I spent another 30 minutes at school, holding a pillow and trying to decompress. I'm scared of going back into my miserable palace that is my home. I haven't cleaned it in months I think. Dirt and dust is everywhere. When I go to school, I bring an air of dust with me.

I'm pretty miserable these days. I barely interact with anyone because I am miserable. But it's comfortable to stay miserable. My psychologist tells me I need to get better for future me who gets to transition into his preferred gender. But it's really difficult.

My mother yelled at me for even thinking about stopping college. I'm a little over a year into my compsci course but idk it doesn't feel like it's for me. Too much theory and programming. Higher education in general doesn't feel like it suits me. Autism ftw? Idk I'm constantly dissociated and uninterested in life tbh. Unless yknow.. I get some silly juice and pills in me.

Anyway.

Now I am stuck at a restaurant and buying a sickeningly sweet drink every hour or so. I have to take my leave in another hour or 2 unless I want to see the whole town together and party.

Don't worry, no alcohol. Just ice coffee and ice cream milkshakes. SUGARRUSHSUGARRUSHSUGARRUSH HAHAHAHAH XD

Either way I gotta face my demons and go home soon. I'll probably lie down on my bed in a fetal position when I get home. </3

[soft-butch-cassidy]

depression tips™

shower. not a bath, a shower. use water as hot or cold as u like. u dont even need to wash. just get in under the water and let it run over you for a while. sit on the floor if you gotta.

moisturize everything. use whatever lotion u like. unscented? dollar store lotion? fancy ass 48 hour lotion that makes u smell like a field of wildflowers? use whatever you want, and use it all over. 

put on clean, comfortable clothes. 

put on ur favorite underwear. cute black lacy panties? those ridiculous boxers u bought last christmas with candy cane hearts on the butt? put em on.

drink cold water. use ice. if u want, add some mint or lemon for an extra boost.

clean something. doesn’t have to be anything big. organize one drawer of ur desk. wash five dirty dishes. do a load of laundry. scrub the bathroom sink. 

blast music. listen to something upbeat and dancey and loud, something that’s got lots of energy. sing to it, dance to it, even if you suck at both.

make food. don’t just grab a granola bar to munch. take the time and make food. even if it’s ramen. add something special to it, like a hard boiled egg or some veggies. prepare food, it tastes way better, and you’ll feel like you accomplished something. 

make something. write a short story or a poem, draw a picture, color a picture, fold origami, crochet or knit, sculpt something out of clay, anything artistic. even if you don’t think you’re good at it.

go outside. take a walk. sit in the grass. look at the clouds. smell flowers. put your hands in the dirt and feel the soil against your skin.

call someone. call a loved one, a friend, a family member, call a chat service if you have no one else to call. talk to a stranger on the street. have a conversation and listen to someone’s voice. if you can’t, text or email or whatever, just have some social interaction with another person. even if you don’t say much, listen to them.

cuddle your pets if you have them/can cuddle them. take pictures of them. talk to them. tell them how u feel, about your favorite movie, a new game coming out.

[yournudemom]

Circulating. Seasonal depression is creeping around now.

[shadowjag]

Lets keep this moving

[mangotheguy]

moving... imma probs forget about this list in the morning tho

[00000000000woopa-deactivated202]

Anyone else feel really happy when they go back on unhealthy coping mechanisms and really dull when they're "healthy" again?

[mangotheguy]

yup. 100%

[cryingbard]

That's not fair.

(If you want to see me vent I'm on tiktok, @cryingbard)

[himbybimbybimbo]

Y’all ever watch a yaoi that alters ur brain chemistry

[mueritos]

hiya! I figured id make an informational post about the little things ive noticed about being on testosterone that I found weren’t talked about a lot when I was starting my transition and even before when I was doing my research. I think that trans sexual health is an extremely important part of trans peoples lives (and that doesnt necessarily mean sex) seeing as the physical changes that happen during transition are often foreign to us. Sexual health keeps us healthy and comfortable in our bodies, so do your best to stay attentive to your body’s changes! As always, consult your doctor if you feel the need to. These are only tips ive learned from transitioning myself and from my doctor when I asked about certain things.

PATREON

[frompawntoqueen]

Fucking tumblr our here really trying to teach the world things

[maggot-withanf]

Hey this isn’t necessarily something for HRT. But rather for top surgery for those considering it, most every surgeon and endocrinologist I’ve met (save for the ones I’m working with currently) doesn’t mention this and trans dudes who have gone through top surgery sometimes don’t even know about it, but your ti🅱️🅱️ies? They make hormones. Lots of them. When you get top surgery you’re removing a primary maker of hormones from your body and it’ll throw you through a loop, and for anywhere from a few days to a couple months after the surgery your hormones are gonna be WACK. This will usually cause a post-surgery depression that a lot of trans men sometimes confuse with regret for taking this step in their transition and it’ll throw them into an identity crisis, so for those planning on taking that step, just remember that weird ass sadness you’re gonna feel is just your hormones being like “hey wHAT the FUCK” and you made the right decision for you!!

[aevios]

Can confirm that bottom growth is a real and painful thing. If you’re the kind of person who wears skinny jeans regularly (looking at u fashionable goth/punk trans ppl), here’s a tip for your first few months of T: don’t.

Bottom growth will be overly sensitive and stick out of the hood more than usual, and anytime the inside of ur jeans rubs against it it will a) hurt and b) make u horny.

This can be a problem in general, but especially if u have bottom dysphoria and being reminded of ur junk can make u dysphoric, and/or if ur ace like me and being horny can be a very confusing and annoying experience (I know this is not every aces experience but I had never really had a sex drive or arousal before T and it was very distressing at first. Still ace tho)

Oh also: microdosing can be great for slowing changes and letting ur body adapt more gradually (It can be very helpful for more gradual and natural sounding voice changes), however, it will not let you avoid certain changes entirely. Microdosing will not prevent bottom growth from happening, or any other changes you may want to avoid. Unfortunately what changes you get are genetic and there is no way to pick and chose which you get. A lower dose of T can make it go more slowly to help you get used to it more gradually or so that if there are changes you really want to avoid you can try and stop before those advance too far, but it can’t prevent changes from happening entirely, certainly not specific ones. And certainly not bottom growth, which is one of the first changes to start and one of the least reversible.

(I don’t say this because I think that was what op was trying to say abt microdosing at all btw, I’m just trying to clarify because I remember when I started T and was researching low dose T, I saw some people on online forums hoping it would allow them to avoid bottom growth for example, and it won’t, so I wanted to clear that up)

Also re: top surgery, the first time I saw my chest post-op my brain flipped and I got so dizzy I nearly passed out. This is also relatively normal and okay. I think my brain just kind of freaked out seeing my body so different from what we were used to and also oh yeah with a big scar running across it. Its okay, that doesn’t mean you regret it either. I think sometimes ur brain just needs a minute to catch up and realize ‘oh wait this isn’t a traumatic injury this is what my chest is supposed to look like’. Once I had seen my chest a few times and let my brain get used to it I was absolutely thrilled and loved it (and still do). I also had a panic attack the night before my surgery because I was afraid of the anesthesia. Again, doesnt mean I made the wrong decision.

I think a lot of trans ppl don’t know that surgery can just be an emotionally intense experience, and yeah can also mess with ur hormones a bit (another consequence of both hormonal stuff and the stress of surgery is I got really bad acne for awhile after surgery) and so you might feel all kinds of weird or stressed directly before or after. It’s okay. Make sure u have supportive ppl around u to take care of u, and wait until ur body has had a bit of time to heal and renormalize before u start panicing over if u made the right choice or not. You’ll probably be sleeping for most of the first week anyway. Give ur body and ur nerves a break for a bit.

[bamfbooks]

I learned so very much from this. I’ve seen posts talking about MtF transition and the hormone weirdness that causes, but this is the first FtM one I’ve seen.

[i-say-ok]

ok! 🩵🩷🤍🩷🩵