Retitled

They/them/their. 24. Minneapolis. Relocated to South Jersey.

[manicpanic2k16-blog]

Closure, and such

My Tumblr will be closed out as soon as I get my new phone. Like nearly everything that has happened in the last two months, the timing couldn’t be better. I’m writing this for prosperity’s sake. At some point in the future, I will probably be in a really dark place. I’m bipolar, so I have realistic expectations for what that means for my future. I will probably look back at my old tumblr the way I look through old text messages. Nobody ever really enjoys it, but boy isn’t it fun to reminisce. I want my last personal post to serve as a closing post, a fair well to the things I’ve left behind and a list of goals I’m walking away with. Unfortunately, it is also going to rehash a few things that I’d like to remind future self of because we are creatures of habit and these are lessons I’d love or hate to learn again. Posting this on the Public view makes me a little nervous, but once I loose access to the acct my Draft section will be lost. (Last minute decided to write this as a letter, a pep talk, to future me.) Alright self, You’ve found your way back to the only diary you’ve managed to keep. (Good thing you did it in public, genius) As you thumb through the last three years, these are going to be things you’ll want to remember/forget.This is a semi-comprehensive list of things to keep in mind when bpd or ed comes-a-knockin. Now: As I write this, I’m just getting started in NJ. I’m about 5 days deep into the solitude of my new apartment, and it’s going well. I’ve got a lot of cool things now like, an accessible washer/dryer. Amazing. I’ve just started my new job at SU, and that seems to be going pretty well. *Self- in 2016 you completely uprooted your life, with the love and support of your stpl family, you made it to a weird place with weirder people and you did a great fucking job of keeping your shit together, for at least the first 2 weeks. 6 months ago: I was working at David’s. I drank free tea everyday, and exchanged lame pleasantries with people who spent a lot of money on dirt water. (Jk, you loved it. For the most part.) L and I had been dating for about a year.5 and were living together with mazy and we had the red couch (for context purposes). *This is the year she got you that little book for Xmas, where she indulged in your stonerhood (and ego). That was a great fucking apartment. Best apartment, best overall love and experience, best dog. *It was also at this point, that you started making some really important goals for your future. That’s important, and you are going to downplay how important later. One year ago: I moved out of N. Mpls about this time. I successfully managed to not work for an entire summer and, essentially, light my life savings on fire. L had the intership, and we started working at the Mall together shortly after this. *Remember that time E came over, and Mazy ran away? Remember this as a lesson to never actively try to test the connection between yourself and that dog. It’s there, but stoned at 3 am is no time to find out. I was living with a few other queer folks, and I had found a space to be comfortable for the first time since 2013-or thereabouts.

[manicpanic2k16-blog]

18 months ago: At this point I was so, so sick. This is also when L and I started dating. She was so independent and scary, and fucking mouthy, and also so kind and patient *You owe her so much- remember that when you throw yourself a pity party because you ended up with Domino’s for dinner. I was also in a not-so-stellar living situation. (I’ve decided that with enough distance, humor is more important than hoping you sound nice about people who weren’t). This was year 2 of living with a worthless youth and her even more pointless cat. February was the second time I tried to commit suicide, and the closest I had gotten. *REMEMBER when you feel sad and alone and ready to jump- CHECK YOUR FLOW. You are probably menstruating (Unless you’re on T *wink*). If you are reading this and picking out the bad parts to justify a bad thing, you might just be bleeding. This isn’t to invalidate your feelings, just a reminder that bleeding after an aspirin overdose is a nightmare. Hold off. So much happened at this time; it was the first time I had experienced a “mixed state” and it became the first and last time I promised to never do it again. *Keep reading for a series of stories to remember at those really shitty points.

Two years ago: I think most people would say a suicide attempt is their rock bottom. Mine, I think, was earlier. In August 2014, I was rolled out of rehab and sparkly an- no, just defeated and sad. Nothing about that time in my life describes what I was feeling, and it doesn’t really need to be revisited. Only for this *Look what you have created. Look what you have built for yourself. You never have to learn this lesson again. This is when we realized that summing up potential with neurosis, and living under an abuser’s weight is not a life. People like that are garbage. In that past incarnation, she was not worth it. If any future inclination to set your life on fire should arise, try not to -WHOA. (Future self, you are probably going to remember the very unkind thing you/I thought. So, I’m not going to commit it to public record. But *high five* that was a good one, you rascal)

February 2014 I started my *first* senior year of college. I met some of the best people I’ll ever know. This is when I met S, and *text her. You probably haven’t in a while, so do it. I was, also at this point, very sick. I had taken my life- picnic blanket and thrown it in to the air. I had just visited SU for grad school for the first time. Everything landed, I had new friends and mental illness was a rl bitch. That’s about as far a back as this needs to go. Because this is where all of the hard questions and feelings crept up. This is where the mirror shattered.

[manicpanic2k16-blog]

And here we are. August 2016 Let’s take stock of what you had going for you in 2016. You had the best love of your life. Hopefully, you still do. She’s going to be worth every rough day, every day. Remember that she gave you permission to feel real love, and you’ll never be able to count the ways that she encouraged you to save your own life. If that relationship ends, you need to remember how she felt, and what she did for you.

You chose recovery, successfully every day for a year. Every day in the last 12 months, you committed to putting the work in and letting the feels out. You chose to do the hard thing, and you did such a good job. Present self needs you, future self, to know that if you made it through all of these recovery steps- you can do it again. You’re probably going to have to at some point. And that is okay.

You had found the best therapist, and you made her cry. Remember what it felt like when R gave you her blessing to graduate, and that she was so proud she cried when it was time to end your last EP appointment. That was it, right there. That is what you had always looked for, for someone who really knew you (all of you) and who was willing to say that you were “safe” and good-to-go. *I had promised to call every year or so with an update. Have you called her this year?

You’ve got some of the best friends you could ask for, right now. S just moved you out to NJ, left 5 days ago. That trip is going to be one of the best memories you’ll ever have. She’s someone else you needed, and you might always. You’ve never had a friend know such shitty things about you, and seen you do equally as shitty things and she’s still here and in your corner *You’ve also got a couple of really important role models and professors who would love to hear from you.

You just started a swanky new job in higher education, and you’re starting your MA in Holocaust and Genocide Studies in a few weeks. *it’s probably good to be shutting Tumblr down before classes start. They liked you out here. *Stay grateful to everyone who got you here. You’d be nowhere without those souls.

I’ve tried to write as much as I can to encourage, you, Future Self to not look through this Tumblr page. It’s all summed up right here. The things you need to know are attached, these little pieces of ancient myth. *Remember that time when you cried, writing your last Tumblr post? Pussy. (No, but honestly, you’ve done a great job.)

Roll the goals…

Parting notes: Grass is fun, heroin will never be. You’ve dealt with some real snot rockets. Don’t let past or future snot rockets make you feel less than loved and capable. Lighting things on fire can be fun, just don’t burn anything too important. Check to see of it’s worth saving, first Take your goddamn medication. Dr. B prescribed this concoction for a reason, take the freaking pills. Don’t kill yourself. Please. Future Self, Further in the Future Future Self. Don’t. It’s never a good idea, and you’ll still never be able to apologize and express your gratitude to those who helped pull you back.

[manicpanic2k16-blog]

Goals

I feel that, after the novel you just read, you are probably pretty stoked to talk goals. We’ll call it Things I (present) hope I (future) have finally stopped or improved upon doing

I don’t want to be a downer, but I’m sincerely hoping you’ve quit (or drastically cut back on) smoking. We’ll always remember the good times, eh kid? But that stash is drying up, and soon I will be too. Don’t be bitter, it had to end. Didn’t it, big guy? I also hope you’ve gotten better about the caffeine thing. It was a blast to be blasted in retail, but I’m going need you to have stopped. It is literally destroying our stomach. I hope you’ve worked on being kinder. Jaded isn’t a pretty look on this face, and it wouldn’t kill you to have become a better person. (But also, be careful. People in Jersey aren’t so friendly) You need to be taking your meds. Look over, if that little box is empty- fill it. It’s the worst part of taking meds, so just get it over with. Meds don’t work if you don’t take them (Beldon, J., 2014). You better still have Mazy. I hope you have surrounded yourself with people that love and respect you, and who you are obsessed with. Remember, losing yourself in relationships isn’t cute in the big picture, but detaching hasn’t worked either. I hope you are smart and kind, and that you know that you are those things. I hope you’ve put some effort into you relationship with your parents. I don’t want to talk about it, and I’m assuming you don’t either. So, I just hope you’ve cleaned that up a bit. I hope you have weaned yourself off of approval. The withdrawal is a bitch, but we wouldn’t have made it cross-country if we hadn’t stopped giving a shit. I hope you continue to give not one, single fuck. I hope you have achieved at least one or two career goals that I’ve set. Today was the day you considered combining our MAHG degree with another from St. Kates. Or, be on your way to our Ph.d. Or, be a professor. Or, have had a bunch of kids and put in a few years as a stay at home parent. Or, if you’re reading this not so far in the future, I hope you have successfully and happily completed your MA. I hope we are happy. I hope we are happy like this for always. I hope you still like you -us? I hope that the love I’ve found in myself hasn’t diminished, by the time you’ve read this. I hope that you have come back to read this because you were just poking around, not because you were picking at old memories. I hope you have found peace in yourself, and I’m really hoping the voices go away. I think the last one has to be obvious, funny, and truthful. I hope you are fucking eating. Jesus Christ, if nothing else, I hope you are fucking eating. I hope you are continuing to follow the meal plan, and that you have successfully worked it into your life, as I try to now. That’s it. I think that covers it, for now. Just the basic things I hope you have accomplished, by the time you next read this. I don’t know how to end this. I s'pose with something cute. Meh, let’s go with the quote in my tattoo. You stay here with me, okay. You stay here with me.

[peggygravel]

[silversora-deactivated20190324]

If a dead ancestor doesn’t appear in the sky to stop me, it can’t be that bad of a decision

[fuckyeahtattoos]

My very cute booty heart with a Jera rune tattoo done by Glo Sith at Fuzion Ink in Norfolk, VA! Submitted by @bulletproofjenn

IG: Gloxsith

[twitterlols]

[manicpanic2k16-blog]

My Tumblr will be inactive soon So, look forward to me figuring out a new one

[what-a-lesbian]

[lovemakesyouwonder]

[stability]

[edrecoveryprobs]

When you find a food you’re actually cool with eating

(x)

[culturenlifestyle]

Creative Feminine Portraits Composed Of Flowers And Stems 

Chicago based online boutique Sister Golden is headed by a mother and daughter, Vicki and Brooke Rawlins duo who create art and decor items for the home. In the latest series, they have featured portraits composed entirely of natural elements, such as flowers, petals, leaves and stems. 

Keep reading

[slimegargoyle]

I get pregnant, throw a “gender reveal” party, cut open the cake to reveal a landslide of green m&ms. “what does green mean??” my relatives ask, scandalized. in their confusion, they fail to notice that the doors have been barred. they are now my captive audience. “settle in, folks,” I say, “it’s time for gender theory 101. I have slides.”

[novelconcepts]

I don’t want to live any longer in this world of “the customer is always right.” This is a world that shows the aggressive, the bull-headed, the cruel that they have full license to behave like beasts to get what they want. Half the time, they’re even rewarded for it; “here, ma'am, so sorry for the trouble, please accept this gift card–no charge.”

I want to live in a world that punishes these childish adults as you punish a toddler throwing a tantrum. No candy for you, Jimmy; you’re going home to bed if you can’t mind yourself in public.

Throw a hissy fit because your cashier isn’t moving as fast as you’d like? Find yourself gently escorted from the store until you can show some basic compassion and patience.

Hurl a pen across the table at your signing agent? You’ve just forfeited your right to refinance your mortgage this week. Try again when your temper is managed.

Scream obscenities at the Taco Bell rep because you know it’ll earn you a free soft shell? Here’s your money back; please feel free to play again when you’ve realized fast food is not worth more than the price of human dignity.

I am so sick of accepting–and, in truth, rewarding–these callous behavior patterns in customer service industries. The fact is, the customer is not always right. The customer is often just testing to see what he can get away with. Stop pandering to spoiled children, and show your employees they have more value than their red polo, or how much abuse they can withstand in a 40-hour week.

We are here to provide a service and to make a living.

We are not your punching bags.

[shitdickfuckmothafucka]