Alter ego
When I am manic, I become someone else. And I dont realise I am someone else until ive been that person for a while. It feels so good but its so bad. I operate in a parallel universe, contradicting everything I stand for when I am "normal". Everything is intense, everything is a rush. I feel alive. For once I can fucking feel shit. No wonder I dont want to take my meds. Might as well be in prison cause im mentally sedated. I worry one day while manic I will end up in prison. Its a world of temptation and I have no fucking self control. Everyone who knows me and not the dark side would describe me as the kindest person the know. Always helping, loyal, wouldnt hurt a soul. This is why I help people for a living. They would say I never help myself, always others. When I am manic, I am so fucking selfish. I am unable to put others first. I want to do coke, but then again I am already high. I am better than everyone. I am a criminal. I make illegal money. I am charming. I am constantly fighting to resist urges that could destroy my career, my life. Usually a feminist, I fall into this world of hypersexuality and objectifying women. I become everything I am not. And everyday is a fight not to ruin my fucking life. It feels so good, but its a fucking trap. My thoughts wont stop im exhausted but wired. No matter what meds I do and dont take, the cycle continues. For someone so high functioning, this brings embarassment and shame. No one will ever understand.