How it’s like to be aroace.
It is interesting to be an aroace in such a romance and sex-driven society. You definitely have a lot to figure out. Every single human is different, and it would be silly to deny it. We all have our own quirks of personality and process the information differently. Although I do identify as an aroace, I still have to come to terms with a lot of things, and separate my own beliefs from norms that have been drilled into my head by society. We have so little representation for ace and aro people that it is hard to determine which beliefs are our core once. The best thing we can do is to share our own stories and search for common ground. Spark conversations. I came out as an aroace when I was 23, prior to that, I identified as GrayA for three years. I think I've had crushes, but it is hard to identify which type they were. Looking back on them, I think, most of them were swishes or plushes. I never really dreamed about having sex or doing anything more than kissing. My first "crush" was forced on my by society, and I adapted it, just because it seemed to be the norm, and was expected of me. From that moment on, the vast majority of my "crushes" was heavily calculated. I vividly remember consciously choosing people to have crushes on. I still get very strong swishes and plushes, but now I'm able to identify them properly, and it has simplified everything. I dragged myself into romantic situations just to try it out, but it was a disaster every single time. I broke some hearts and traumatised myself just to learn that this form of relationships didn't work for me. I'm blind to social cues like a kitten, I can't show signs of affection and get repulsed by the opportunity to date someone. I like romance on screen, generally. But in reality, I get grossed out by slightest signs of affection. I even tried dating girls, but it didn't work either. I wasn't able to have male friends for years, I was taught that every boy is a potential partner (what???) and this wasn't an appealing thought I should add. I was a pretty withdrawn even as a kid, but this has painfully limited my friend-circle. And when I finally was able to be friends with a guy, he decided to ruin everything by hitting up on me. Which gave a new reason for paranoia and made me shut down again. Needless to say, we were no longer friends, and I got so dreadfully repulsed, that I still can't talk to him. For four years, I was forcing myself to try and go on a date. I told myself things like: "you should give it a try", "one date won't hurt anybody", "first dates are for testing waters". But every single time I got to a point where I could actually go on one - I got repulsed. Sometimes I couldn't even look at that person anymore, it felt that icky. I was going ghost mode. And I should add, that I always was pretty upfront about feeling weird about this romance thing and needing more time. And everyone was okay with this and pretty understanding, but it just didn't seem to work anyway. I still want to have a partner, but now, as I got to know myself a little better, I know that I seek a queer-platonic partnership. I genuinely don't care if it's with a girl or a boy, because qpp's are built upon different things. I wish to have a partner who is first of all my best friend. I want us to share a space, nap together, and do all the platonic things, that families do. I just don't care about the romantic/sexual aspect of relationships. I don't rule it out completely, but it has the least amount of priority to me. I may grow into it, or I may not, and both are okay. Currently, I'm still getting acquainted with my true self. I'm learning about the things I like and things I don't like. I accept myself fully and give myself the time and space to grow into my full power. No rush, no obligations.
