The house feels emptier without you. I rise in the mornings now, hopeful that you'll be on the other side of the door. But neither does a nurse or a wheelchair greet me by the time I stand at the top of the stairs. N, your room is quiet. Dark. I still look for the desk lamp to be on or the sound of the tv. I am greeted by neither.
Upstairs, Moms' coffee has cooled down by the time I drudge up to the second level. No one stands in the kitchen with a cup of black coffee. Bacon jokes are not sounded at me while I walk sleepily into the room. "She smelled the bacon, and woke up," G would say.
We'd chuckle at our inside joke that no one else would get. Mom stays busy-busier than me. I stay home in fear of watching someone else leave. I pace the den praying Mom makes it back from the grocery store in one piece. I check the window three or four times a day if she goes out and about.
Lately, I've been wondering if I were a bird if I could fly far away from here and never look back. I feel chained to this horrid house with all these memories and traumatic stories. I wonder if Mom would be angry if I left. Where would I go? I don't know...I don't feel like I belong anywhere these days. I don't belong to anyone either. I feel like the odd man out. Always.
Everyone has been telling me to look after Mom as if I'm her only child. I know they mean well, but I want to shout at the top of my lungs, "What about me? What about me? What about me?"
It sounds selfish, doesn't it? Sorry...I never intended to sound that way. I've wasted my 20's pleasing everyone else it seems. I'm now carrying a sense of rebellion in me. The other day I went to the park and sat in the gazebo for three hours 'cuz I felt suffocated at home. If y'all were here, perhaps I'd feel more at ease. Mom seems to notice me more and I hate it. Go back to ignoring the quiet one like you've always done.
I cried at Walmart the other day when getting an oil change. The cashier kept asking if I was okay. I shook my head "yes", but I couldn't find the words to answer her. I missed y'all so much in that moment. I cried when I got back to my car and back to the house. Don't cry and drive, it's not fun. :)
Life feels dull without y'all. I try to smile with sunshine now, but I only do it half-heartedly. I remember y'all are gone and then I feel guilty. I'm worried I'll be stuck like this for a long time.
Also, G, guess who came to your funeral? Z! I was like, "What???"
I didn't tell him. I don't know why he thought it was a good idea to surprise me there-homeboy should have bought some flowers and sent them instead. Would have been more respectful of him, in my opinion. Sorry, thought you'd get a small chuckle out of that.
Anyway, I will try my best now to still move onward. I guess I have to, huh? I hope heaven is nice to y'all. Tell Granny I said hello, okay?
I miss you G and N. I love you...
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