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@marbearwrites
Work crushes are something...omg can't speak or think when I'm around him.
"What's the matter, baby? // Have you seen me lately? // I've been blowing up // I've been going crazy..."
-"Regret It" by Joshua Slone
"You done got to where you're going, and I don't know where I'm headed..."
-"Regret It" by Joshua Slone
" I'd do whatever I could do // I'd run away and hide with you..."
"Daddy Issues" by The Neighbourhood
History has proven that those individuals who propped up God before their "just cause" didn't turn out to be a good person or group to blindly follow without question.
I Know Love
I know love like how I know the sound of slamming doors means someone's mad
I know love like my dad giving me the silent treatment pretending as if I do not exist
I know love like watching all my sibling relationships crash and burn with no warning signs (I'm sorry we went through all of that)
I know love like listening to the sound of yelling matches because my dad and mom refused to heal from their trauma
I know love like CSA trauma that gets shoved under the rug and never spoken about- "out of sight, out of mind" kind of thing
I know love like family gifting me abandonment and trust issues before anyone else ever could
I know love like losing myself in books and daydreams because I could not escape my harsh reality
I know love like strict parents who sheltered us and then demanded we know how to do everything once we were "grown"
I know love like how I learned to hide all of my emotions because I was too sensitive again
I know love like-
I do not know love
But I wish I did..
I feel this heart shredding my insides. Are there scratches on my skin? Trails of blood leaking through my shirt? Can everyone see it if I step outside?
This foolish heart of mine.
When will it cease its aching? When will it settle calmly in my chest? When will it rest? Why does it whimper when lonely? Why does it beg to find a home?
Netflix's "Wednesday"....
I don't know how to feel about Season 2 of "Wednesday". Maybe the next four episodes will tie everything together in a better way. Anyone else struggle through the first half of "Wednesday" this time around? Any theories y'all have about the next part or even the 3rd Season?
I've had my fill of silence but I cannot tell others that..
But you were like sunshine and this lonely moon wanted to feel warmth too.
It felt like you had plucked my heart from my body and was dragging it along wherever you needed to be. And when you'd return, it'd be carried back piece by piece. Never whole.
I curl up in bed
Like a question mark
To the world
And to myself
My back exposed
To the door
While you try to tell me
I should be opening up more
Grief Struggles
One thing no one prepared me for on my grief journey was the amount of times I'd hear:
"How's your mom doing?"
"You need to look after your mom."
"Take care of your mom."
"You need to help Mom out more."
And while I understand that they mean well-I am not my mother's only child (good luck getting half of my siblings to help or show up). I say "Okay" and act like I agree. I don't want my mom to suffer either after losing my stepdad or brother last year, but it's a lot of pressure added to my shoulders when I'm grieving as well.
Makes me want to scream sometimes, "What about me? I'm also hurting too."
But of course, if I say so, someone will say I'm being selfish or mean. No, I also want to be thought of because my mother isn't the only one who's suffered in this house after they passed.
Sometimes, I just feel invisible and forced to remain silent for everyone else's sake but my own...
Grief Letter #1...
The house feels emptier without you. I rise in the mornings now, hopeful that you'll be on the other side of the door. But neither does a nurse or a wheelchair greet me by the time I stand at the top of the stairs. N, your room is quiet. Dark. I still look for the desk lamp to be on or the sound of the tv. I am greeted by neither.
Upstairs, Moms' coffee has cooled down by the time I drudge up to the second level. No one stands in the kitchen with a cup of black coffee. Bacon jokes are not sounded at me while I walk sleepily into the room. "She smelled the bacon, and woke up," G would say.
We'd chuckle at our inside joke that no one else would get. Mom stays busy-busier than me. I stay home in fear of watching someone else leave. I pace the den praying Mom makes it back from the grocery store in one piece. I check the window three or four times a day if she goes out and about.
Lately, I've been wondering if I were a bird if I could fly far away from here and never look back. I feel chained to this horrid house with all these memories and traumatic stories. I wonder if Mom would be angry if I left. Where would I go? I don't know...I don't feel like I belong anywhere these days. I don't belong to anyone either. I feel like the odd man out. Always.
Everyone has been telling me to look after Mom as if I'm her only child. I know they mean well, but I want to shout at the top of my lungs, "What about me? What about me? What about me?"
It sounds selfish, doesn't it? Sorry...I never intended to sound that way. I've wasted my 20's pleasing everyone else it seems. I'm now carrying a sense of rebellion in me. The other day I went to the park and sat in the gazebo for three hours 'cuz I felt suffocated at home. If y'all were here, perhaps I'd feel more at ease. Mom seems to notice me more and I hate it. Go back to ignoring the quiet one like you've always done.
I cried at Walmart the other day when getting an oil change. The cashier kept asking if I was okay. I shook my head "yes", but I couldn't find the words to answer her. I missed y'all so much in that moment. I cried when I got back to my car and back to the house. Don't cry and drive, it's not fun. :)
Life feels dull without y'all. I try to smile with sunshine now, but I only do it half-heartedly. I remember y'all are gone and then I feel guilty. I'm worried I'll be stuck like this for a long time.
Also, G, guess who came to your funeral? Z! I was like, "What???"
I didn't tell him. I don't know why he thought it was a good idea to surprise me there-homeboy should have bought some flowers and sent them instead. Would have been more respectful of him, in my opinion. Sorry, thought you'd get a small chuckle out of that.
Anyway, I will try my best now to still move onward. I guess I have to, huh? I hope heaven is nice to y'all. Tell Granny I said hello, okay?
I miss you G and N. I love you...
yuppers
I sit under trees and talk to the sky hoping you can hear me from down here....
I miss yall
— arealliveghost