Where: Margotâs apartment When: a few weeks after Eleanor moved back to NYC, late evening Who: closed to @margotbrendanawicz
Whatâs the perfect gift for the mother she no longer spoke to, who loomed so large and intimidating in her memory that she cringed from recollecting specific moments shared with her? She formed her mouth around the syllables of mom, the ghost of a sound rarely spoken in many years. Margot was just Margot to her now, the voice in her head that kept her head down, the measuring stick she held against her accomplishments. Acknowledging Margot as a human being felt wrong, somehow. Eleanorâs mother, and not a creature larger than life itself.
She thought she was going to have more time before confronting Margot. Time to move back, get settled into her new job, establish a routineâand then write to her mother, explain that sheâd moved back to the city and maybe set up a chance toâŠcatch up, for lack of a better term. Eleanor had expected to have at least two weeks of peace before having to consider seeing Margot again. The last thing sheâd expected was striding into the new office and right into her motherâs cloud of smoke. In an instant, Margotâs disapproving eyes burning a hole in her skull, sheâd felt reduced to a child again, vying for her motherâs nonexistent approval.
Her offerings for tonightâs dinner felt deficient in some way, as well. A bottle of wine, an apple pie from the bakeryânot the same one sheâd visited as a child to press her nose against the glass shielding the sweets from her fingers, but in the same general location. Pie was pie, right? Suppressing a tremor in her head, Eleanor knocked on the door to her motherâs apartment, willing herself not to be nervous. Dinner with her motherâit shouldnât be that hard to get through, right?
It was hard to tell whether inviting Eleanor over for dinner was a welcome gesture of generosity, a chance to judge the woman her daughter had become in the interim since theyâd last seen one another, or a guilt trip for not even bothering to owl her mother and let her know she was moving back to the city. A healthy mixture of all three, in all likelihood, with perhaps a dose of habitual intimidating thrown in for good measure.Â
Sheâd been surprised to see Eleanor in the office, even more surprised that her daughter was an officer now, by the start of her 30s, and there was a feeling of something like pride in knowing that sheâd done well enough to get this far, to get Snowâs attention and finally make it onto a federal squad. Margot had been 27, when sheâd made her first federal squad, but that was neither here nor there.Â
The radio was on, when Eleanor arrived, a cloud of cigarette smoke filling the living room and a glass of whiskey in Margotâs hand as she answered the door, giving her daughter a quick once over before letting her inside.Â
    âIs that from Abramsâ?â she asked, eyeing the pie in her daughterâs hand. The bakeries around the area had been the same for forty-something years, for the most part, and sheâd developed strong opinions on all of them, even though she hadnât needed to buy pastries of any kind since her new and generous neighbors moved in. âYou should have gone to the Greek one, down the block. Better crust.â











