i can only grow poison

25+. she/her. i'm a professional hater.

[mariangpusa]

i wish i pushed through with k-ing myself in 2011

[mariangpusa]

i'm better off dead, honestly. what is the fucking point.

[mariangpusa]

something deeply saddening that most people can't recognize it when a lesbian is suffering from comp het and is being labeled instead as bisexual by those around her. so many of us could've been saved from years and years of trauma.

[mariangpusa]

i also think bisexuals should have higher standards for their bisexuality. you see a lesbian with comp het getting traumatized by men whom she hates and it gets legitimized as genuine attraction.

[mariangpusa]

u need to read widely in order to write, but u also need to live a lot

[mariangpusa]

something deeply saddening that most people can't recognize it when a lesbian is suffering from comp het and is being labeled instead as bisexual by those around her. so many of us could've been saved from years and years of trauma.

[mariangpusa]

watched jennifer's body with my gf and it's such good writing primarily making use of juxtapositions to get its point across, but i bet most of it flew over people's head because they can't recognize rape trauma syndrome on someone who doesn't act like the typical victim and how obviously jennifer has compulsory heterosexuality. gf says jennifer is a great rep of a femme lesbian and i agree. she has rosanna roces vibes and in a tagalog dub, rosanna roces would be perfect.

[mariangpusa]

gusto ko na lang matapos ang mga pasakit

[mariangpusa]

finally feeling whole and these so-called friends who neglected me think i'm going insane

[wrathdiwa]

hey all. multiply disabled queer unfamilied Filipino experiencing ongoing neuro psych issues post meningitis and unable to cook for self in need of meal fund support. making this to circulate as an ongoing post because the occasional and only help I’m receiving to eat thru community isn’t enough to meet my needs. no goal atm but as always will switch rbs off when need met. donate if white waged and able ~

PayPal.me/disabledoracle

[wrathdiwa]

houseless and catatonic w ongoing sprawling brain injury effects rendering me unable to be on here and consistently asking for the help I need + recently sprung a cerebrospinal fluid leak from my skull via connective tissue deterioration that remains untreated and has me flat 23 hrs a day. meeting my dietary and nutrition needs has fallen to the wayside yet it’s the biggest source of bodily stability for me thru this compounding neglect - pls dig deep 2 help me eat (& eat well)

[wrathdiwa]

could I pls get $50 to eat tonight and have some leftovers for the next couple days?

[wrathdiwa]

still needed

[wrathdiwa]

didn’t receive anything, been skipping meals, really need some help by tomorrow

[wrathdiwa]

and I’m back to systemic exhaustion and not being able to digest solids which is a hard limit to be able to get adequate nutrition within. I would like to be able to order soup and not fully live on fruit puree and ensure drinks. still needed

[wrathdiwa]

back 2 this again, meeting only half my caloric needs and urgently needing support

[wrathdiwa]

hospitalised and they’ve withheld my mast cell stabilising meds for six days and now I’m allergic to all the food they’re giving me 🫠 need support for ordering MCAS safe food from outside the hospital pls

[wrathdiwa]

recently discharged, still without answers and barely enough money to eat for the next few days. I need $350 to cover MCAS/gastroparesis/fatigue safe foods for the week, $120 for blood pressure stabilising medications and $30 for iron supplements - any help greatly appreciated to help me recover, it’s been three admissions in a span of months

[saveaboud]

I just survived a bombing and what was almost certain death.

[saveaboud]

[saveaboud]

Shrapnel flew around us and killed a little child before my eyes. He was the last child his mother had left.

[saveaboud]

If I do not die from illness, I may die from the bombing. Please do not forget my little siblings after I am gone.

Chuffed – PayPal – Verified 

[aboud-lives]

Guys, I swear your silence could be the reason I die. Please share.

[aboud-lives]

I am very sad and exhausted because donations have dropped so much

[mariangpusa]

publications do not give you power because if they did i would not have been treated badly in academia by people who have less publications than me. they do not give you material benefit. it's still more about degrees you can pay for using your rich parents' money. i have a lot of publications but i cannot be elitist towards people in academia, whether student or faculty. i have no institutional power. i cannot gatekeep anyone. i am a poor breadwinner outside academia, you fucks.

[hagiomoto]

my apologies if this has already been brought up but i think you're operating with some selection bias wrt old vs new books. the defining feature of old books is that they're the ones that have survived and maintained cultural relevance, while new books haven't had to go through that filter. tolstoy published next to a bunch of slop too, you just don't have to read it.

I did concede a little on that point if you go back to what I said dated uhh two days ago. If you go to "a day in anne life" tag and scroll down

[hagiomoto]

I don't want slops to be published because people and my library keep forking out money to buy them and demands haven't exactly stopped for these trope recycling tomes.

Also, I just want higher quality books in general and I want it now. I don't want to see anymore fanfics quality works.

If it makes me look like a killjoy I don't care.

[mariangpusa]

maybe it's my fault for enduring these rich leftists out of loneliness

[mariangpusa]

i finally am processing the trauma. im finally whole. but these people who are content w me repressing everything to appear okay or appear a level of depressed they can safely ignore are now thinking of me as so far away from the assimilated fragmented being i used to be they are insinuating i am insane. what's insane is expecting me to be all okay after suffering from neglect and sexual violence. what's insane is thinking the shock of it will not ripple to the very people whose neglect pushed me into these dangerous situations.

[mariangpusa]

truly saddening that the more effort you put into protecting your and others' womanhood and resisting liberal id pol individualism and internalized misogyny the more you are isolated from other women. but i will never go back to that circle of women. women who enabled behaviors that put us in danger, so detached from womanhood and solidarity in the guise of my body, my choice. none of them even pointed out i was raped when i first relayed the events, none of them were concerned when RTS and comp het were pushing me to get raped and assaulted again and again, some going yas slay queen. so much repressed shit for eight or so years, out of neglect of people around me. do they think we can just keep the friendship without the shock?

good on you, n, you went through the same thing but didn't blame anyone. good on you that you didn't think the liberal culture we've absorbed using the english language and decadent bougieness that came w it were that bad. it's awful you are weaponizing this against me to force a forgiveness for our other friends.

[mariangpusa]

talked to "friends" for the first time in 5 months and felt affirmed why i cut most of them off lmfao i hate them

[mariangpusa]

me: i think it's cringe at best and a disservice to real pinay lesbian writers before us to thank fictional ships written by men in your thesis on lesbian writing, fandomized approach to art and writing is detrimental, and fanfiction isn't literature.

twt: u want to suck white dick, the american wont finger u, u are fat, this is a CHILD, u are gatekeeping, etc etc etc

--

and im supposed to believe that reponses to her by americans were racist and misogynistic? none of these people care about lesbians. they only care about fandom.

sorry if u think im invalidating ur lesbianism, im not, im critiquing how you're still validating yours using fandom when youre already graduating, instead of seeking real lesbians to connect your writing with. as petty as it sounds, it does feel great not to validate my lesbianism using fandom.