i literally cant wait to be an adult with a job so i can go on vacations i mean. student life has its advantages but basically im NEVER off i havent had a single holiday where i didnt have to worry about something or other related to my work in YEARS ( i cant even remember when thats how long its been? maybe christmas holiday three years ago when i didnt have to study, but i was still worrying about life?) .
i wanna be paid so i can be like validated that i am useful and i also want to just take TIME OFF where i am not expected to do anything because honestly. everybody expects students to work during the holidays they might be long (they arent as long here, maximum 1 month in summer) but youre supposed to either be studying / working on your projects or getting an internship or going to summer school. youre not actually supposed to be on vacation. i have studied on EVERY SINGLE trip ive been ever since i became a student except for that one single holiday when i was on exchange and that BARELY counts because i was also going through some life crises which was stressful enough
these thoughts originate from the ~five people ive already heard talk about their massive bike trips up the coast today while im stuck in here pretending to be sick so i can procrastinate my own work in peace while feeling bad about missing part of the course im supposed to be on
instead of ACTUALLY using the time to work ive just been looking at maps dreaming about that hike i want to do once im done. idk. there is this constant underlying pressure on my heart like its just A LITTLE hard to breath and i know that im procrastinating because im worried i will suck and wasted my time on this degree and will be told that i dont belong in science or something. and if i procrastinate at least i wont have to confront that fear and do anything about it. basically if i dont try i cant really fail. it so much bullshit
and i dont really know who to talk to about this because im super not in contact with my family and friends at home right now basically because i vanished from the face of the earth during the final days of thesis writing and got kind of jealous and mad when i saw how much fun they were having during the same time (and im like a LITTLE resentful that my parents wont even be home when i come home like i know better than that but i havent even seen them in half a year, and not for longer than a week since last summer, and i mean i know i dont make a big deal out of it and not the bachelor degree either since it feels shitty celebrating something i know i could have done better but its still kind of... a big deal? neither of them or my sister have a master degree (yet)? its pretty big even if it just feels bad right now)
also i retook one exam that i wanted to get an a in and i suuucked so im stuck with the b and its not bad at all its just embarrassing. (and i wasted my time on studying even though i didnt study enough at all)
and im suuuper late in applying for internships so i might not get anything until next winter and basically ill have mid october until january off for sure and no idea what ill be doing, and its not exactly hiking weather, so ill just sit around and be unemployed and my parents will stress about it?
i thought about applying to this really ridiculous program (ridiculous as in its realllly far from anything i ever considered for myself) where ill basically be paid to learn a profession and go sailing, and its defnitely better paid than any internship i could imagine getting accepted for. idk its a whole year though and id have to give up on that dream i had for a while about going to south america and working at a station there (and also im really really not sure if ill be able to go on in science afterwards, its kind of a long interruption, and also its not just a gap year they are really trying to find people to carry on that profession so you are definitely supposed to keep working with it)
basically ive only ever studied this thing because i wanted to go to cool places and hang out on the ocean and enjoy nature and im not completely sure if i am currently on the right path even though its a pretty long and hard path already . i guess ill find out when im actually done andhave some time to breathe and think but it just feels like life is coming at me very fast right now and if i dont grab an opportunity and commit there wont be anymore, so just taking a break and doing something that sounds fun feels ... wrong
also i KNOW my parents would stress about me doing that so so much they never give a shit about what i do until i look like im in danger of messing up my cv somehow. i mean my field is not exactly the best paying field and doesnt have tons of jobs so what excatly do i have to lose?
also im just not really sure the environment works for me. i think a lot of people in science are terrible and only employed because they are smart and arrogant. i know some people who are pretty laid back still and can deal with being surrounded by that but i dont think i have the self confidence... at all. maybe i should get out?!?!?! am i passionate enough???!!?!!?! am i smart enough??!?! i dont know and im scared to find out.
