Pairing: Findlay 'Hazard' Docherty x Fem!Reader
Description: After months of dancing around each other, you and Hazard come to one last draw before your inevitable departure.
Early February morning, the snow has partly melted by now. Out on the second-story balcony, the vapor coming from your coffee isn’t the only visible steam. Your breath is as well, it comes out in puffs before rising above your head and dissipating.
The air is crisp and refreshing, the sky is clear and the sun is shining brightly. For a moment, you close your eyes and let the rays warm your frozen, runny nose.
The coffee mug is scalding against your chest, it’s comforting, brings you solace and helps you think clearly about the conversation that is to come. You rest against the railing of the balcony, taking in the city beyond, Maisie is sniffling at your feet, already walked and fed because that’s the first thing you do in the morning, even before showering.
Your feet are cold despite the thick woolen socks and slippers you have on. You think it is what it is and decide to just live with it, your extremities have always been cold during the winter.
The sliding door behind you opens and you look back to see Findlay’s disheveled form standing there, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He yawns and stretches, the thick muscles under his tank top flexing and expanding, it’s a sight to behold for sure, but sadly you won’t be a witness to it for much longer. And he’s never cold, a part of you has always been jealous of that trait of his.
“Hey.” You call softly, voice still heavy with sleep. You keep your eyes on him for a bit longer before turning them back to the city.
“Ey.” He responds in kind and comes to your side, your elbows collide when he leans on the railing next to you, following your gaze towards the cluster of skyscrapers in the distance. There’s a brief moment of silence before he asks. “Is everything a’right? Ah didn’t expect you leavin’ a note f’ me out of all people.”
You take your time sipping coffee before speaking up again.
“Yeah, sorry. Didn’t mean to worry you. Just wanted to talk in private.”
Deep, steady breath and a calm mind were how you were going to get through this encounter. You just had to stay level-headed, that’s all, be friendly but keep him at arm’s length, for both your sakes.
“Was this about?” He doesn’t even seem bothered that stray snowflakes are falling on his bare shoulders, meanwhile, you’re shaking, but whether that’s from the cold or from anxiety is uncertain.
You take a breath, then another, then finally manage to string together the words.
“I found a place.” You begin and glance at him anxiously. “Y’know, to move into and finally stop being a freeloader here.” He doesn’t react and you take it as a bad sign so you continue, trying to lighten the already heavy atmosphere. “It’s already furnished so I won’t be stealing any of your things.”
“You can take wha’ever you wont, you know I don’t care.” He rasps, you hear the strain surging in his voice, the pebble stuck in his throat, the weight suddenly pressing down on his chest, a weight you had just put there. “You can take the whole place wi’cha, if y’ wanted. Still won’t care.”
“Why?” You stiffen at his question, the rawness of his tone, the betrayal he’s trying to hide but is still so visible in those honeyed eyes you’ve come to love. It’s painful to watch him at a loss, not knowing how to combat your decision and ultimately having to let you go.
He looks like he’s been slapped.
You’d been preparing for this talk for days and it was hard for you, you couldn’t imagine what it was like for him. But you were set on your words, you couldn’t stay any longer, you didn’t want to.
“ – Is someone botherin’ you?” He finally turns to face you. “Did someone do someth’n t’ you? Y’ can tell me, I always listen.”
“No, it’s not that.” You avert your eyes and stare into the blackness of your coffee instead, trying to find the right words in the murky caffeinated water. “Of course, nobody’s done anything, I love you all like family.”
A breeze blows past and manages to force a shiver up your spine. His first thought was to take you in his arms and bade the cold away, but just as abruptly as his hands lifted to reach for you, they fell back to his sides.
You wanted to cry… protest and have him continue, tell you that everything was going to be okay and that he’d take care of things like he always did. But now wasn’t the time for weakness. Because the hug would end, then he’d ruffle your hair and leave, nothing more. He wouldn’t hold you like a lover but like a sibling, a friend.
And you didn’t want to leave. You had to.
“Wot is it then? Yer room? Too small?” He asks abruptly, wracking his brain and trying to figure out your reasoning while simultaneously coming up with solutions. Anything to keep you from leaving him. He couldn’t bear the thought, not after everything. He’d move with you if it weren’t for his family depending on him, he didn’t care where in the world he was as long as it was with you. “You can have mine, Ah don’t care.”
You shake your head and his world shatters a little bit more.
“No. Fin, please listen to me.”
“Why den? Why leave?” He’s at a loss, completely forgetting that you can speak for yourself and he doesn’t need to play a guessing game. So he goes quiet and stares at you pleadingly, ignoring the ache in his chest and focusing solely on you.
“Please…Please, tell me what’s wrong…”
You take one last stressed sip of your coffee and set it down before turning to him properly, no longer leaning on the railing but instead facing each other in your full stature.
He at least deserved a proper reason and to look him in the eyes when you giving it.
“Because it’s not right to stay.” You say, then motion towards your chest as your brows knit together, an angsty expression bittering your features. “I don’t benefit you guys in any way. The best I can do is make food and clean up, help you with some tasks and run errands. I don’t fit in here. I’m not phreak, I don’t have any skills.”
Even in dire moments like these, you’re still so pretty to him. His little angel…
The way the sunrays cascade over your form, giving you an otherworldly glow, it takes his breath away and balms over his turbulent feelings and racing thoughts.
You always did have a way of soothing him. Soft words and gentle touches, that’s how you were, those are some of the many things that made you perfect in his eyes. Always caring for others, especially him who’s been alone in shouldering the unfairness of the world for so long.
“That never mattered.” He shoots back with confidence this time because it’s true. You’ve been a vital part of their team since you first came to join them. It didn’t matter that you weren’t a skilled hacker or couldn’t shoot a gun. Civilians had their own set of irreplaceable skills. Even if all you wanted to do was be Maisie’s sitter, you’d still be doing more than enough. “We all love you, we do. Couldn’t have made it dis far without ya.”
Why did he have to fight back so hard? Why couldn’t he just make things easy on you? You were already suffering with regret and the agony of separation before you’d even left, and seeing him this desperate, this sincere in trying to keep you from slipping away was just adding salt to the wound.
You wanted to hug him close and coo at him until he was calmed, tell him that this wasn’t goodbye forever. You’d come to visit, have dinners as a family again, take walks with Maisie and him, just the three of you. You just wouldn’t be constantly around.
That’s all. It wasn’t that serious, you weren’t moving to another city.
“So is not just tha’ then.” He scoffs to himself, rips his eyes off you to stare into nothingness. “Someone did do somethin’.” There’s a brief pause before his gaze rises again to meet yours, you see the bleak fire within it, still the combative spirit persists, refuses to let you go without a good tussle. “Tell me who, I’ll have a talk with ‘em, can resolve this right now.”
“No…” you rub at your eyes to massage away the tears.
You couldn’t tell him. You couldn’t.
It wasn’t his fault, it was yours. You’d fallen for him, not the other way around.
“What then? Why d’ ya wanna leave so badly?” His anguished, sullen words are like razors to your neck. You can’t breathe properly anymore. The sobs are beating down on your throat and you can’t fight them off for much longer.
“ – Don’ leave.” He says, begs you as much as a man of his character and ssize can. Your knees weaken at his pleads and you bite down viciously on your bottom lip to keep from breaking down completely. “You cannae leave me. Won’t let you.” He takes your hands in his, sucks in a long inhale and pulls you a bit closer, shielding you from the glare of the sun, from the cold, from the world, everything. “Please. Stay.”
You’re crumbling in front of him as he stands there silently and lets you speak. Mentally drained and emotionally at the brink, yet you refuse to let go of his hands and that’s enough to tell him that you don’t want to leave, but something is making you. And the worst part is that you refuse to tell him to keep him unburdened while you take on all of the weight and try to carry it away with you silently.
A part of him is enraged by this. How dare you try to take all the blame and let him demonize you for simply wanting to abandon him? How dare you take his job of carrying the hefty loads? He was the strong one, he was the tank, he was the shield that was supposed to separate you from all danger and problems.
“I just…I can’t do this anymore, Fin.”
His thoughts come to a screeching halt.
“This!” You let go of one of him long enough to motion between the two of you. “Whatever this is, whatever we are. I just… I can’t…”
He’s almost relieved to hear you confess your woes finally.
“Tha’s it?” He quirks a brow and you see the strain in his shoulders vanish. “Okey, aye I get it.” He rubs at the stubble on his chin, presumably in thought, but not really. The answer to your problem was right there. “I’s no problem. I’ll leave ya alone. Won’t hear a peep from me.” Despite the rejection that had been thrown in his face, he smiles wide. If this meant keeping you, he was willing to sacrifice. “Should’a said something earlier, lass. I just thought you – ”
“ – No!” You protest, yell nearly loud enough to wake up everyone still asleep. You want to rip your hair out with how exasperatingly daft he is. “You don’t get it!” You grip the straps of his tanktop, then tear your hands away from him only to hug yourself out of frustration. “I want – I – ”
This is the perfect moment, but again you’re left with a lump at the base of your mouth, a lock on your tongue, unable to speak the words. Beyond desperate to explain, you do the only other thing you can think of, you act before your self-sabotaging mind has a chance to talk you out of it.
Stand high on your toes, pull him down by the neck, and link your lips to his. It’s a brief kiss, a sloppy and uncoordinated one, your mouths don’t even fit together properly.
Gasping for air, you pull away as abruptly as you’d leaned in and search his eyes for anything to hint at rejection.
He’d not done anything when you’d locked lips, hadn’t reeled back, but hadn’t reciprocated either so you were left in a standstill until he made up his mind.
He stares at you dumbly with his mouth agape and eyes wide and unblinking.
A minute passes and the doubt is already munching at your sanity. However, then you’re unceremoniously picked up and hoisted against his broad chest. He guides your legs to wrap around his toned torso, has your arms locked around his neck and mapping out what skin you can reach as he molds his lips back to yours. You feel your back being gently pressed into a wall to make sure you had support on both ends.
A meek mewl slips past you and his reply is a pleased grunt as he rubs needy patterns into your thighs.
He pushes his tongue past your teeth and twirls it around yours, beckoning you to play. The muffled moan that erupts from you is music to his ears, a noise unparalleled by anything he’s ever heard in his life. He presses harder against you, squishing you between his warm chest and the cold wall behind so there’s nowhere for you to run anymore. This was it, you were stuck with him now.
No more running, no more denying, no more beating around the bush.
He was certain now that you wanted him as much as he’d wanted you and he’d not let anything stand between you anymore.
And to think this was why you’d wanted to leave…
His baby stubble grazes your skin deliciously, a single compliment from you months ago and he’d started keeping it instead of shaving it off every morning.
He kisses you with suffocating need, bruising your lips and making them swell as he nips and licks and tastes, and explores every inch of your mouth. He indulges himself, gives into you like you’re a peace of Heaven on Earth, a sinful delight that’s been dangling before him for months, just out of reach.
The skin on his back ripples to life under your touch, awakens into eager goosebumps that you ghost over with flattened palms. You cross your ankles over his waist, your toes curling in delight the longer he smothers your mouth with his own.
A thin trail of saliva still connects you when Hazard pulls away long enough to take a breath before diving for your neck. You lean your head back willingly, rest your crown against the cement wall and crane your neck to the side to give him more room to explore. Your thighs begin to quiver when you feel his sharp canines grazing over your sensitive skin. His tongue works wonders into your flesh, makes you both giggle and choke on moans, completely forgetting about the cold or the exposure.
“Findlay…” You wail weakly, then gasp when he automatically bucks into you, spurred on by the call of his name. Sparks fly behind your lids and you rake your nails over his shoulders, riling him up even more.
“Shite…” He groans and struggles for air as his grip on your legs tightens. “Don’t do tha’, luv.”
“Why?” You question dumbly, too drunk on him to truly care for the answer. All you want is to keep feeling him, keep hearing his voice, and smelling his scent.
You laugh out an apology, note the grin, the widest one you’ve ever seen, listen to him pant heavily through his nose and rest his forehead against your collarbones as he comes down from his high.
“I love you…” You blurt out and thump a fist weakly against his back. Your legs untangle from his waist without your consent, but every muscle in your body has turned to jello and you’re given no choice. You’ve turned to mush in his brutish embrace and you’d have it no other way. “You moron…I love you so much…”
It comes out so easily now like you’ve been saying it forever. It’s smooth on your tongue, feels right, deserved.
“I thought..” He chuckles, shaking his head in disbelief and the tips of his hair tickle your nose.
“You thought wrong.” You’re all too eager to interject, cutting off whatever idiotic, self-detrimental bullshit he was about to spit out.
Hazard brings his gaze away from the soft comfort of your sweater, and watches you from beneath his brows as the passion darkening his features morphs into the gentlest love. He readjusts, gives you a bit more movement space, but has no intention of letting you go. His hands are still palming at your legs, you can feel the heat coming off them and seeping over your skin even through the thick leggings hugging your thighs.
“Cannae blame me.” He says softly, words only meant for your ears. And despite the twinge of a joking tone, you know he’s serious, that he doesn’t think very highly of himself in terms of appearance. “Who’d wanna wake up t’ this ugly mug every mornin’.?”
It’s sad to think he’s been denying you and himself for so long because of self-doubt, thinking that you deserve better, that you should find better. Someone who has a stable life, can provide you with comfort instead of dragging you into a war and offer you a safe and calm life. Someone who didn’t have half his body replaced by cybernetics, a man fully human who wasn’t littered with battle scars.
“I would.” You combat tenderly and glide your hands down until they’re resting over the steady beat of his heart. “I want this.” You tap his forehead next. “And this. Everything that’s you, I want, Fin.”
“Don’t deserve a pre’y bird like you.”
It’s a compliment for you and an insult towards him, it’s unbearable to hear such bitter-sweetness. You press the cushions of your thumbs against his lips to shush him.
He kisses you then, having forgotten for a moment that now he was free to do that whenever he wanted. The puppy love flares, lashes out, needing more of your essence on him. He wanted to have a piece of you always with him, hell, he’d carry you around in his pocket if that was an option, show you off to anyone who crossed his path.
You smile in contentment against him, cling to him with one arm as your free hand travels up to comb through the soft tuft of hair you’d helped him bleach not too long ago.
Serenity isn’t something you take lightly, you know it’s a gift to feel at peace, and he’s brought you so much of that this morning. You caress his cheek, both look over and trace his features with the tips of your fingers, committing every dip and line to memory.
He stands still for you, closes his eyes, and leans into your touch like a man who’s never been touched with tenderness before, never been handled with care.
Your very own hazardous beast turned pet by a drop of affection. It was as cute as it was tragic.
He deserved so much more. He deserved the world.
“Whenever we were together.” You begin, drawing his attention from studying your kiss-bruised lips to your eyes where he lets himself get lost. You shake your head at the confession, nearly cringing, but it was only natural, for which couple didn’t have their cringe-worthy moments? “Outside that is, running errands. I’d always watch you closely to see which women you’d look at. Wanted to know what you fancied.” It’s a silly little confession, but you want him to know, you want him to know everything about you, be your lager of sorts and from the way he’s focused all his concentration on you, you can tell he’s more than willing to be put to the task. So a smile etches itself onto your winter-chilled features and you continue. “But you never looked at anyone…I had to guess what you liked.”
The answer is simple in his mind, he spits it out without even having to think it through.
“Da’s cuz I only got eyes fer you, daftie.” He shrugs as if his words didn’t melt your core and nearly give you baby fever. “Don’t need ta be lookin’ at other birds.”
It’s been such a long game of denial and restraint and now that all cards have been laid face up on the table, you’re not sure what follows. You didn’t expect things to turn out as they did, the bags in your room were ready for departure, you’d thought this morning would be goodbye.
You kick your feet nonchalantly, still propped up several feet above the floor. He holds you as if you weigh nothing and compared to his usual load, you probably don’t.
“What do we do now?” Is the only thing you can muster to ask next, looking to Hazard for guidance as if he wasn’t just as lost as you were.
Mischief twinkles in his honeyed orbs, a certain thought pulls a smirk onto his lips before he answers:
“Findlay!” You exclaim. You’re mortified while he just laughs. Anticipation makes your skin tingle. The image of peeling off his clothes and witnessing everything you’ve only dreamed of is both nerve-wracking and enticing. But his choice of words couldn’t have been more unattractive, he went straight to the point though.
“I don’t shag.” You say and cup his face gently, rub your thumbs over his cheeks and smooth down his cocky smirk. You make sure to catch his eyes and draw his attention out of its bubble of lewd images. “I make love.”
He blinks blankly at that, processing your statement, before showering you with suffocating pecks. He leaves no surface untended in his kiss crusade. You fight him off weakly, turning your head this way and that, eyes squinted shut at his loving assault.
His excitement is unmatched, he’s like a pup at a pet store.
When he’s satisfied with his work and you’re left visibly breathless, he pulls back.
“Le’s get some breakfast first doe, ‘m starvin’.”
