🧿

This is a space for learning and sharing knowledge. Ethical non-monogamy, relationships, intimacy, secure attachments, authenticity. Mods are in their 30s.

[marsduality]

MarsDuality Tag Navigation

Here's a list of linked tags used for blog navigation purposes. Last updated 6/26/23

Relationships

#intimacy and #authenticity - related to improving intimacy within relationships.

#communication - related to improving communication within relationships.

#support - related to how we can support one another within relationships.

#needs - related to exploring needs on a personal level, within the context of relationships and poly dynamics.

#jealousy - related to jealousy, particularly within a poly context.

#unpacking jealousy - related to how one navigates feelings of jealousy within a relationship, particularly within a poly context.

#compersion - often framed as the opposite to jealousy, these posts center mainly around polyamory.

#co-regulation - posts around [healthy] co-regulation of the nervous system with another person.

#codependency - posts that talk about [unhealthy] codependency.

#interdependence - posts about [healthy] interdependence.

#check ins - posts about having regular check-in times with partners.

#decriminalize feedback - mainly concerning creating a welcoming place to give constructive feedback.

#heartbreak - posts around the topic of heartbreak.

Polyamory

#poly - related to polyamory.

#poly memes - funny posts and memes about poly stuff.

#beginning steps - posts aimed at those starting off on their poly journey of self-discovery.

#terms to know - important poly-related terms to know.

#questions to consider - poly-related questions to get you thinking about what you want in non-monogamy.

#poly resources - specifically polyamory-related resources.

#Ethical Non Monogamy - posts about being ethically non-monogamous.

#relationship anarchy - posts about being a relationship anarchist and the relationship anarchy relationship style.

#kitchen table poly - posts about & around the "Kitchen Table" style of polyamory.

#solo polyamory - discourse around being Solo Poly.

#hierarchical poly & #Primary Partner - discourse around the hierarchical polyamory style.

#couples privilege - discourse around the power and privilege of couples within society, and how this affects poly dynamics.

#Triad - discourse around a triad relationship style.

#relationship escalator - discourse around the Relationship Escalator (societally defined steps that grant relationships legitimacy).

#new relationship energy - discourse around the surge of excitement and energy and focused attention that comes with having a new relationship.

#unpacking monogamous programming - posts about unpacking [white, western] dominant ideology around monogamy, love, and romance.

#love is abundant and scarcity is a lie - posts toward viewing love NOT as a scarce resource to be guarded, but as abundant & meant to be shared.

#decolonize your relationships - posts about unpacking our societally-prescribed notions of relationships

#different people different needs - poly conversations around relationships and meeting needs.

Attachment Theory

#attachment style stuff - related to Attachment Theory, this is a general tag.

#secure attachment - related to Secure Attachment.

#secure attachment skills - SAS for short, these posts center around skills that foster secure attachment, found in Heller's The Power of Attachment.

#insecure attachment - posts about insecure attachment styles in general.

#ambivilent attachment aka #anxious attachment - related to ambivalent/anxious attachment style.

#avoidant attachment - related to the avoidant attachment style.

#disorganized attachment - related to disorganized attachment style (which is generally a mix of the other main styles).

#The Power of Attachment - posts from and about Heller's book The Power of Attachment.

#HEARTS - exercise for developing Secure Attachment, from Fern's book Polysecure.

Healing

#healing - related to mental health.

#affirmations - positive, healing affirmations.

#feel your feelings - related affirmations, exercises, and discussions around improving one's connection with their emotions.

#emotional regulation - posts around emotional regulation.

#trauma & #cptsd - related to trauma, ptsd, and so on.

#anxiety - related to anxiety.

#boundaries - related to setting and maintaining healthy boundaries.

#inner child - related to inner child healing.

#self care, #self compassion, and #self love - related to loving and caring for the self.

Misc Blog Organization

#dreams - tag for dreaming about the future...

#highlights from currently reading - quotes and sections of text from books that Mod C is currently reading.

#resources - mainly polyamory-related resources for now, this is a general resource tag.

#articles - an organizational tag collecting posts with links to longer reads.

#book recs - a list of recommended books - mostly poly related.

#101 - beginner-friendly resources for kink and poly things.

#class - for classes.

#website - for website-based resources.

Creators and Authors

#decolonizinglove - from poly TikTok creator @DecolonizingLove.

#relationship_anarchy - from poly TikTok creator @relationship_anarchy.

#Orions Charge - from poly TikTok creator @orions_charge.

#chillpolyamory - from poly TikTok creator @chillpolyamory.

#thecasualcode - from poly TikTok creator @thecasualcode.

#advent_og - from TikTok creator @advent_og, posts about relationship advice.

#attachmentnerd - from TikTok creator and therapist @attachmentnerd.

#Brené Brown - from author and professor Brené Brown.

#Diane Poole Heller - from author Diane Poole Heller.

[bread-is-bread]

"You can't just pick and choose the parts of a romantic relationship that you want"

No, actually I can.

I can do exactly that. If I want to see them multiple times a week with no commitment and no exclusivity I can.

If I want to cuddle and kiss and not be any more intimate than that I can.

If I want to go on fun dates and spend time together and have little adventures but never call them my partner I can.

If I want to do these things with multiple people at the same time I can.

If I want to call it hanging out instead of dating I can.

If I want to keep things private but also post us being silly on my close firends stories I can.

I can do anything I want to as long as all the parties in the relationship are happy and it's not hurting anyone.

Other people cannot define my relationships for me.

[inloveforevr-deactivated2025041]

Playing small in relationships won’t get you very far at all. If you feel like your boundaries are being violated and you’re not going to say anything, resentment will build up. So when you notice something, express how you really feel. In healthy relationships, the other person will respect and listen to your concerns. In an unhealthy relationship they’ll turn it around and make it seem like there’s no problem and/or they fail to validate your feelings. Why are you suppressing your needs? Why are you prioritising the peace in a relationship over your feelings? Remember relationships should enrich your life. It’s about balance and tenderness and consideration. Everyone messes up but is that person tending to you in a loving way? If not, why?

[polyamorouscultureis]

A lot of people are very scared and feel threatened by not being the only one in their partner's life bc they fear itll make their partner "look to others" and inevitably leave. theres a very scary and beautifully relaxing surrender for me in polyamory, of accepting that as an option, but trusting anyways because the work of building something together and the love can be worth it irregardless of its duration. no keeping us tied to each other with games of social rules or loyalty, just the true loyalty of each person saying "i am here because i want to be and because i am wanted, and here i will remain for as long as i want to and am wanted." tbf this is also possible in monogamy, i imagine, but poly relationships lends themselves to it particularly wonderfully. i want to believe in a commitment that feels like freedom.

I love how this is written! Poly definitely highlights the "I'm here because I choose to be" element more than a monogamous relationship can, since "meeting someone new" doesnt mean you must break up with the first person to pursue them. Absolutely possible in monogamy but more visible in poly <3

[polyamorousmood]

"What if they love the other person more?"

Idunno. Love to me is inherently boundless, infinite. So that's a meaningless question, I guess.

But I don't think that's probably the question you're trying to ask.

I think they question you're trying to ask is:

What if they're thinking about the other person when they're with me?

What if they want to spend more time with the other person than I'm comfortable with? More than they spend with me?

What if I feel less loved than I did before?

What if I can't escape the feeling of being secondary, even if its not true?

And I think a good practice is to actually answer the question instead of treating them as just anxious hypotheticals.

Now, I obviously won't be able to answer, but these are the questions that have come to mind when I've explored these questions. Broken up by question, but there's definitively cross-pollination, so.

What if they're thinking about the other person when they're with me? Okay, what if they do? Would I even notice? Do I care if they're thinking about the other person, as long as they're still behaving normally around me? Why do I care? What if I know they're thinking about someone because they talk about that person a lot? Can I ask them to stop?

What if they want to spend more time with the other person than I'm comfortable with? More than they spend with me? What if that, indeed. Can I handle that? Is that a dealbreaker? What do I say if this situation comes up? Is there something I can do to absorb that excess time? Will they come back early if I ask? Should they? How often should I even ask if I do? Can we negotiate this? Can they make it up to me some other way?

What if I feel less loved than I did before? If I voice that feeling, what happens? What do I want to happen? What would make me feel better? Who can I process this with?

What if I can't escape the feeling of being secondary, even if its not true? Will them reassuring me make me feel better? Can they do something else to show that I'm still important? How often do I need to be reassured? Would me getting my own second partner help, and do I even want that? If they are doing a good job and my fears are unfounded, what can I do to work on this? Am I willing to leave them over this?

[polyamzeal]

[polyamorouscultureis]

polyamorous culture is figuring out a semi-functional way to walk around with three people holding hands lol

now if only we can figure out four…

polyamorous culture is taking over the entire sidewalk

[polyamorouscultureis]

polycule goals

[casside-sionnach]

New Polycule formed ... The Road to El Dorado

[polyamzeal]

[polyamzeal]

got any polyam book recs

How many time do I need to reccomend the Smart Girl's Guide To Polyamory by Dedecker Winston! I feel like I never shut up about it and still people have never heard of it! I am just going to create a quick list of all the polyam books I have read. Because when I was first learning about polyamory it felt like you were required to read certain books before you could get your polyamory license yet so many other people haven't read any books! One day I might write out longer reviews for these.

The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy- This is one of the first ever books focused on polyamory. As such it is a bit dated. Despite that I think it is still a good book that people can get a lot out of. Just keep its age in mind.

More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert - When I started learning about polyamory this was the holy bible of polyamory that everyone insisted that everybody must read. I honestly liked The Ethical Slut better though. Since then though the book has been utterly condemned by the community and people are now very quick to scream how nobody should read this book because Franklin Veaux was revealed to be abusive in his relationships so now suddenly the book is a guide to teach people how to be abusive in relationships. I guess??? Eve Ricket has put out multiple statements about the book about if people should still read it or not but I am sure I will miss something if I dive into that. Like more The Ethical Slut, just keep in mind it might have some problematic aspects. But I personally think there is still some good stuff in it that people might find value in. It has been a while since I read it but I don't remember it being problematic, just a bit dry and boring.

The Smart Girl's Guide To Polyamory by Dedecker Winston - I'm skipping right to this to say this is my favorite polyamory book! It is very unfortunate that that the title isn't great. And indeed it is written to be aimed at women but honestly I found very very little in the book to feel exclusive to women and not apply to me (a cis-male) just as much. I love this book so much that I re-typed up a passage from it, had it printed on a large poster, and framed.

Sex At Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha - This is another book that used to be worshipped in polyamory circles and wholehearted reccomended. I am so glad that it is now mostly forgotten. Why? BECAUSE THIS IS NOT A POLYAMORY BOOK! This is a very scientific anti-monogamy book. So I was waiting for all this set-up to talk about why polyamory fixes all these problems of monogamy it has taken so long to explain. Spoilers! Polyamory is only briefly mentioned in the epilogue of the book in a half-hearted, "Maybe this solution works for some people". Let's be clear, this is not a bad book. It is a very good book at using scientific evidence to point out flaws with monogamy and can lead to interesting discussion. But it is not a polyamroy book and shouldn't be recommended as such.

Love's Not Color Blind: Race and Representation in Polyamorous and Other Alternative Communities by Kevin Patterson - Another great book that is highly underrated. But note this is not a Polyamory 101 book. I consider this a "next-level" polyamory book. And to be clear I am white/Caucasian and I learned so much from this book and really love it! It opened my eyes in so many ways.

The Polyamorists Next Door: Inside Multiple-Partner Relationships and Families by Elisabeth Sheff - This isn't a bad book but I also didn't really find it to be a good book either. It feels neither pro-polyamory or anti-polyamory. Just a whole lot of stories and facts. I think it might be most interesting for a monogamous person to read.

Polyamory by Marissa Blake - Worst book I have ever listened to and I am pretty sure it is plagiarized. Been meaning to do a project where I research that claim but just haven't been interested in doing so. it is utter garbage.

The Polyamory Breakup Book: Causes, Prevention, and Survival by Kathy Labriola - Another advanced level polyamory book. But I think an especially important one for everyone to read. When you date more people you have more breakups. And when "cheating" is far less of an issue it is becomes hard to understand when you should breakup.

Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern - The new holy bible of polyamory that everybody in every polyamory group will recommend immediately. It is a good book but honestly I think it is overrated. I think it is aimed at a very certain kind of person struggling with polyamory but it didn't resonate a whole lot with me on a polyamory level. I thought Secure Attachment was very interesting but I felt the actual polyamory aspects of the book were a little lacking to me. I do recommend the book but maybe not as someone's first polyamroy book. I think there are better polyamory 101 books. To note I have not read Polywise yet, the authors sequel book that just came out. I think I have higher hopes for that one though.

Ready For Polyamory by Laura Boyle - Most recent book I read and I had wanted to write a full review but I forgot. This is a fairly good book. I feel like it doesn't stand out much from the other Polyamory 101 books but overall solid. The one place where I give it the most praise is it has the most up-to-date definitions of terms which over the years have evolved and changed over time. The spectrum of polyamory styles I think is especially important for people to read. Older books didn't mention this at all or it was only Parelle VS Kitchen Table. Now we have a much wider spectrum and I often see a common mistake for newbies is for 2 partners to be at different point of the spectrum and never acknowledging it.

Do you know of any polyamory books I missed that I should read? Please let me know!

[polyamorous-intentions]

Where to Start

Been a while but I checked in on my messages today and had a decent number of folks asking how to start with poly and get into the community. Starting off can feel overwhelming and everyone is throwing recommendations at you. Ill lay out a simple few ideas here I think are a solid place to start. 1: Read "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton and Janet Hard. Its a solid basis for the aspects of self and society you will need to face opening up to ENM (ethical non monogamy).

2: Follow Polyland blog and poke through their posts. Its a decent blog for beginners and easily accessible.

3: visit and read the https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/ website. Its a really solid break down of unicorn hunting and being/seeking a 3rd. There are a lot of common pitfalls that folks hit when starting ENM. Unicorns R Us is a great way to help you avoid them.

4: look on facebook for poly groups in your area. Many areas have groups that set up regular munches or meetups for folks that wanna connect as a community. Discord often has these too but they are invite so facebook ends up being the connection point. Get together and chill.

5: once you have a basic understanding I would recommend reading: Polysecure, & Love is Not Color Blind. Two excellent second step books to help you in your ENM journey.

I hope all of you find your way and surround yourself with all the people and love you deserve.

[polyamzeal]

[polyamorousmood]

1 in 5...

[polyamorousmood]

I just... we're not some egregious outlier. We're not an edge-case. How many people show up to your family's Christmas dinner? How many coworkers do you regularly interact with? I bet both answers are more than 5. You definitively know someone else who has at least tried something like this.

God.

1 in 5.

That's such a huge chunk. It makes me want to out myself to everyone I meet. Every 5th person will be grateful to know they're not the only one. Fuck.

[polyamzeal]

[polyamzeal]

[warm-autumn-evenings]

So often I forget that finding my way back to love will take time. Healing will take time. I expect myself to change thought patterns and behavioural patterns immediately. This is not possible. It will take time and I deserve to take that time.

[loveyourlovelysoul]

Childhood trauma may make you worry about growing up resembling your parents: you may recognize their tone when you speak, or react like them on occasions. You may fear not being able to be different or free yourself from their toxic traits, and it may make you feel defective or bad as a person: all this may trigger you and have you overreact in case of triggers. Childhood trauma generally makes a person lose their sense of self and therefore wonder if you are inherently good. Anytime you fear becoming as your parents, remember that this feeling alone is a sign of you having reached a great level of self awareness, something that they probably lack.

You're very likely just behaving as a human: even if you share certain occasional traits with your caregivers or any other human being you may consider "bad", you aren't doomed to be a bad person too. Not to mention that probably you have picked up a behaviour from your parents to save yourself, and this doesn't mean you're a copy of them at all: this single trait of you doesn't define you. And you can even unlearn this trait with time and patience, and welcoming it for the time being, just to understand where it comes from and care for it (our shadow traits are still part of us, a scared part of us, a scared mini-us -our child version, if you want-, and we cannot pretend they'll heal and leave us alone if we keep them at a distance and don't wanna listen to them. I mean... how can a child stop crying if you close them in a dark room alone?)

You can change anything you want of yourself as you grow more in touch with yourself and become aware also all the differences you share with your parents/caregivers. Focus on these too, not just on what may make you occasionally similar. This trigger is just a reminder of where you were and the journey you're going through to become yourself.

(me + source)