Sometimes, The best thing we can give ourselves is a fresh start.
No one has asked why I am moving blogs, but I’ll tell you lovelies.
I know I need to recover. I am way worse than I say I am. I shake all day even if I eat something. If I drink alchol I throw up almost immediately. My skin bruises easily. I have dark circles under my eyes. The XXS in my favorite stores don’t even fit me, they’re way too baggy yet I still feel the need to lose more weight. I’m always cold even in the summer. My circulation gets cut off if i sit or lean in a certain position for too long. All I think of is calories. I have changed in negative ways, I use to care about the world around me but now I only think of myself. I’ve become vain, always looking in the mirror or at windows I pass by to see if I look like thinspo now. I look at thinspo every second I can, even while driving, and as soon as anyone comes toward me I quickly stash away my phone, trying to keep my online life a secret. “Sketchy” my boyfriend once said. Keeping this secret hurts but I know that if David or my sisters saw the thinspo I look at, the kind I find to be beautiful, they would see it as porn and nothing more. Whereas I see it as hope, motivation and art. I have encountered amazing anas on here, who have been great friends to me, I hope to keep them as friends on my next blog. I hope to always be able to help those who struggle with ED just like me. But not all of the people I’ve attracted to my blog thinking of my posts and seeing me as a person, rather they see my body checks and see me as porn. Most of my followers are porn blogs, sending me dick pics or hitting on me, which makes me feel unsafe. It makes me feel slightly dirty to get them. I can’t focus on school properly. I’ve had to repeat math classes because I spend my time this way instead of studying. I’ve stopped texting new friends because they are always wanting to eat at new places which still freaks me the f u c k out because I can’t count them. And if I can’t count them then I can’t calculate how much the scale will show when I get home, I’d be bitter for weeks. The scale is my lord and master, holding my attention, punishing me for misbehaving. I need to change. I am scared to be intimate with David sometimes because I don’t know if he likes seeing my bones like I do. I’m scared that he wants a girl with a huge butt, thighs and boobs who doesn’t give a fuck about what hour they are on of fasting. I need to find my confidence again. I want to focus on things that matter more than food. Equal rights, schooling, friends and family, travel, and live a full life. I want to change this world for the better, and I can’t do that if I only focus on myself. I’m hoping to do so in my new blog, focusing on studying and inspirational positive quotes, spreading love and happiness. I know that I won’t be able to recover over night, but I’l learn as I go. But I only want people who really enjoy my blog to follow me over to the next one, so I ask that if you’d please dm me for the username. I have loved this blog like a diary. The next one will be very similar.
Thank you for following me,
Marley
