In My Head

Everything was beautiful and everything hurt

[mynamehasthreems]

March ‘26

[marymcburnie]

I love you more than anything 

[marymcburnie]

12.25

[marymcburnie]

Happy full moon loves

[marymcburnie]

September Equinox 2025

[marymcburnie]

8.25

[marymcburnie]

August 2025

[marymcburnie]

My heart is so shattered reading this. It is so fking real

[marymcburnie]

It’s not sexy to feel undesired. It’s not sexy when you spiral because I bring my troubles forward. It’s not sexy that you’re so scared of money you put your dreams on hold. It’s not sexy to hear your victimize yourself day after day. I’ve heard your trauma over and over but have yet so any solution….. I want to be patient and get through all of this with you. Our connection is beautiful. But I’m scared I labeled it the one too soon. I’m scared you won’t figure it out. I feel too in my masculine. Holding us up with fishing wire wrapped around my fingers…. I know God will show me when enough is enough. Because I’ve endured too much to stay too long. You’re beautiful. You’re kind. You’re wise and deserving of love. But I deserve someone who will show up. Fully. Capable. Balanced. Bringing as much forward as I do. Regulated and intentional. You haven’t taken me on a proper date. Ever. You haven’t initiated anything of the sort. You suffer emotional highjacking so often it hurts our time together. Our limited time together cause you won’t come here. You won’t show up to take care of me here. What’s in Sedona for you. A restaurant job? There’s a million here. Nature? That’s here too. A forest to sleep in cause you’d pick a tent over a lease? That’s fucking here too. I’m feeling close to done and that’s the most icky feeling ever. But life is too short. And being alone almost feels better sometimes. I don’t even feel like I’m in a relationship right now. You don’t ask about my family. You don’t ask about my childhood. You tell me about yours on repeat like it’s a memorized speech. I’m not trying to be insensitive but you are so self obsessed it’s hard for me to feel seen at all. I want to learn about you. But I want to be learned about too. Discovered. Not convenient. Desired. Loved. I’m done with victim men so deep in feminine they can’t be a foundation. Willingness might not be a reason to stay. UGH FUCK THIS

[marymcburnie]

I feel stupid loving you. I doubt my ability to stay. I doubt yours to fully show up. I want to run or die from how tight my grip on you is. My old stories siren in my mind and when you leave it feels all wrong. The ‘is this what love is supposed to feel like?’ comes bleeding in and I question it all. I know I’d be okay alone again. I’ve been left so many times. But this is so divine. So beautiful. So right in so many ways. I just fear. You don’t laugh with me like you do with them. I don’t laugh with you like I did with him. I missed him yesterday. In the car with you. But sacrificing commitment and safety for fun and play is a child’s game. I’m a grown ass adult who gets to choose the commitment and safety and cultivate the fun and play. But I feel broken and wounded and lost and scared. I feel like all I’ll ever be is abandoned and I just want to run back home to mom like I’ve failed and don’t know where else to go. I fear money will never be plentiful and I’ll be exhausted forever.

I think we just need to get to a new place. Rewrite these fears together and alone, alone together. Surrender, show up, love fearlessly and really put love into our path.

I’m obsessively checking to see if you texted back. It’s anxious attachment at its finest. And it’s full of icky black tar fear so thick I can’t feel my legs. But my arms are anxiety ridden. The most horrible feeling. And it’s all mine. I get to move through it. Trust God will continue to show me my right path. I love him. Tell me we can do this. Tell me this is it. Show me where to go next.

I just want to feel secure in my relationship. So must I cultivate it for myself first? Build trust in finances, routines, the sort? Then it’ll flow into the relationship with ease? I can only hope.

It feels like all this life is, is meeting people and losing them, while running back to nature to ease the hurt. I’m scared and thrilled.

I miss him. I’m so scared I’ll never feel what that felt like. I’m scared he’ll miss me so much and never reach out. Settle. Live half loved. I’m scared I’m fucking delusional and I’ll never love healthy in my life. Is this what it’s always going to feel like?

My old apt was full of us. Our love. Our laughs. Slow mornings and late nights. Salty kisses. Adventure tired limbs tangled in bed while the rain made music on the roof. He was my simple. My I could love you forever. But he said no. And here I am. Loving a man that checks the boxes but can’t fight past the darkness in his mind. Takes the world so serious it’s like swallowing medicine every day. It’s a lot for me. I want to love him through it but it’s 3 months in and I’m swimming so hard against the current. I miss the rivers flow.

God it all hurts so much.

[marymcburnie]

[marymcburnie]

7/7/25…

That was the hardest phone conversation we have ever had. The most bypassed I’ve ever felt you treat my emotions. The need to document. To remind myself. In a month. Or a year. So I can witness growth or reason idk. But I need to be okay on my own. And that’s the most empty concept right now. To sooth my heart before a potential break. Not knowing how many times I can choose you if this stays a pattern. I never wanted love to make me cry like this again. It’s soul shattering. I wanted this to be different. Us against the problem. But I haven’t felt this alone… in a long time.

CBH

[marymcburnie]

All I need is for you to show me you love me.

Text me. Ask how I am. Remember how I was. Notice how it’s different. Flowers on random days. Not all the time. But sometimes when you feel they’d be sweet. Tell me I’m pretty. Tell me you care. Remind me I’m not alone. Listen when I communicate. I just need reassurance and adoration. Hold me when I cry, if you’re far say you wish you were here. It’s simple.

When you hide and go quiet I’m alone. In the times I need you most. I can’t always be the one to hold us up. I have capacity 85% of the time. But if you have none for my darkness this can’t work. I need love too. I don’t need you to internalize my stress and make it all about your processing. It’s painful. Please do better.

I’m worth loving, but I won’t convince any one of that anymore. I know it. It’s seen. And if you aren’t capable it’ll hurt. But I won’t stay forever and wait.

Please don’t be another almost. You’ll have been the closest yet. I know that’ll hurt the most.

[marymcburnie]

It’s 2025… I just turned 31 and I’m in my first relationship in years. Serious one.. healthy one… the last attempt was what… fentanyl boy? Yeah what a fucking disaster 💔 but I chose me. Finally. This is my first since Row. 2019… and the in between was Tio. Playful. Adventurous. Noncommittal 💔💔 he broke me so many times. But I built myself back bigger. Brighter. But the insecurities are so heavy now. Wanting to trust this new boy. So bad. And I do. I know he comes from a genuine place. But I can know that and the voices still scream. So fucking loud. I can witness and know it’s all mine. AND. It fucking sucks.

This is my safe social media. What he doesn’t see. And though I show him the messy. Some messy just needs to be mine. And this tumblr holds me. It has for almost 20 years..

I need to rewrite the story. Let go of the fears and negative thought patterns. Truly own my power and be whole within myself to show up for this relationship. But the distance makes it so hard. And the 2 hours away feels so much like the two hours north that Tio was… but I have no means of transportation. So I feel powerless. And triggered when he doesn’t have the means to come see me. I feel like it’s me.. I feel scared we won’t work or last and I feel scared it’s cause I’m not meant to be with anyone.. am I destined for so close almost maybe? Forever? Im exhausted.

I feel my mind slipping into the place of darkness. The place that’s almost numb. We’re nothing matters and ending at all. Feels too close. It seems to be a two year cycle. Summertime hits every other year and my heart sinks. Even this far into sobriety a blade to the wrist sounds so delicious. So simple and sweet. But those who love me don’t want me to hurt me. Sometimes I don’t get why. It’s better than drinking right? I don’t wanna self sabotage. I don’t wanna be less than I know that I can be. I don’t wanna relive suspicious cycle over and over for the rest of my life and die having never mounted to anything.

But what if I’m not strong enough? What if I don’t wanna be? What if it’s easier to just cease existing? What if I choose that?

 god, it got so dark. Like that’s just my fucking default. Layered deep underneath, forceful, self development, sobriety, good girl will I always show up like this?

Yes. I will always fight this darkness. Feed my dreams. Choose my joy, peace, self love. I will always trust God. Amplify the dreams of my friends. This life is more than what my past tells me I am. And I accept that.

The little Mary in my crying for love. I love you. I see you. You’re safe and we don’t have to live like that anymore.

And so it is.



[marymcburnie]

Loml

[marymcburnie]

Happy 31st birthday to meeee

[marymcburnie]

12.5.22

Beautiful boy with your lips painted plumb. I could love you till the stars die. Id kiss you till they fade a million trillion light years away.

Beautiful boy with freckles in your eyes. I could love you till the planets collide. I’d hold you close and not let go till we’re still in a new galaxy. Then I’d love you even more.

And if it’s not me. If I don’t get the pleasure of being yours. I pray you find someone to protect you. To challenge you. Accept you. You’re thoughts that bleed free and all your heavy memories. Your hopes and your dreams and the contents of your poetry.

Beautiful boy. If I’m not yours I hope that who is, is fearless in the face of your love. I hope they give you kisses in the sunshine and wipe the crust out of your sleepy eyes. I hope they trace your spine as you wander and grab your face when you play. I hope they never take for granted a single fucking day. Cause I want more. I want a whole life. With you beautiful boy right by my side. So I can look up and know you’ve been loved as deeply as the rays of sun. I miss you already and I’m sitting right here. Knowing I won’t kiss those plum lips till next year.

[marymcburnie]

Beautiful boy with lips like a ghost, your soul is fading. I can’t find the warmth in your eyes. Your voice claims love but it’s a lie. I’m not the one to hold you.

Beautiful boy with broken limbs, your eyes went dark. You look through me now. I hear the pain in the way you deny the actions you took to survive.

Beautiful boy who I fell for so deeply. I don’t know how to walk away. But I know if I stay I’ll ruin my heart. How can I be so selfish when I want to be selfless but my selfless would be selfish enabling your spiral. It all hurts so much.

Beautiful boy please show up. For me for us for now forever. Please stand up. Get clean. Love yourself. Cause I love you. But I love me too.

Beautiful boy I gave you something special and you let it die. I know you didn’t mean to.

Beautiful boy I don’t have the strength. I can’t walk away just yet. So I stay and sit as the rain floods the streets and the miles etch deep into my wanting the old you back. Come back to me. How long I’ll wait is yet to be decided.

Beautiful boy prove me wrong.

1.9.23

[marymcburnie]

Poetry slam here I come?