“Decades of hatred will have piled up inside of them. I can’t even begin to imagine" , Astarion says about the spawns in the cells.
And what I find interesting about it, is that this line perfectly encapsulates all his denial in this very moment.
He says it as if he wasn’t like them, as if he didn’t have decades of hatred inside of him. He can’t even begin to imagine how it feels? But, in truth, we know, by this point, that not only he can imagine, but that he feels exactly the same!
As I already explained here, he distances himself from the other spawns; as he did several times before.
He pretends they are not like him. He doesn't want to remember that he used to be just like them, and not so long ago: like his siblings, he wants to see them as if they were nothing, and he can't be as "pathetic" as them... right?"
It’s too hard for him to look at his past and to accept that he wasn’t so different from them. And it’s understandable.
There's another layer of shame here, and it's guilt. Because he was the tool who brought them here, whether he wanted it or not, he's involved in their damnation.
Wouldn't it be easier to make them disappear and pretend they never existed? So that he never has to look at his own shame again, shame of being like them, shame of being the one who doomed them.
Besides, Astarion also widens the gap between himself and the other spawns because he’s lured by the temptation of the ritual, and he knows they’ll be sacrificed if he ascends; so he’s desperate to find any excuse to justify their sacrifices, desperate to numb his guilt by pretending they are hopeless. As if saying: "We can't do anything for them, better make use of them through their destruction".
It’s easier to pretend they’re below him – nothing like him. To pretend there is nothing to expect from them, while he should be at the top. He needs to believe they have nothing in common to make their sacrifice easier to deal with.
But he’s a victim too. He used to be one of the “wretch’s servants” too for decades, and hatred fuels him too, just like it fuels them. As feral, as dangerous, as yearning for revenge.
And it blinds him: his fears, his guilt, his deep need to feel safe. The so called safety of the Ascension blinds him so much it keeps him from relating to the other spawns.
And yet, I tend to believe that, by belittling the other spawns, Astarion belittles himself (unconsciously or not); that’s why he thinks, in this very moment, that only the ritual can make him worthy, put him above them and rid him of his shame: let’s make them disappear so I don’t have to see them again, so I never have to witness my shame, so I never have to see those people who remind me of my own misery, of the slave I used to be.
He used to be one of those “scraps of misery”. But it’s too painful to acknowledge now, now that he’s finally free.
But he will acknowledge all this later on.
The words he says if he doesn’t ascend but if you kill the others spawns are relevant:
If you call the spawns "monsters", he makes it clear you could have said the same about him, and by doing that, he breaks down the wall he built between him and the other spawns: They are alike, there's no great difference between them.
He was just like them, their traumas and violence grow in the same gruesome cradle, and yet, he is not a "monster". Once free, he learned another way, made the best decisions for himself and others, and if he could do it, they could have done the same.
At this point, he makes it clear that all the things he said back in the cells were driven by fear and guilt, a token of his denial as he refused to be compared to them; he could perfectly imagine how it feels to be like them, he just refused to do it because it would have made him too vulnerable in this crucial moment.
