I'm Litsen, quite of a mess of a person from France. I'm in my mid-30s and I try to do things... Can't promise to be coherent or to make sense. Please, bear with me 😅
I mostly post about BG3, especially about Astarion, through screenshots and gifs, but also personal opinions and analysis of the characters, and also through a few fanfics, sometimes centred on my Durge, Ellith, and sometimes not (I like writing from the general "you" pov to explore some Astarion fluff or angst).
Oh and just in case you're not sure, I'm kinda genderfluid/nonbinary, and you can use any pronouns when you talk about me, I really don't care (But I'll always respect your pronouns of course 💜)
Also, here [updated], you’ll get some information about my blog (and myself), mostly PSA + I have the personal stuff tag for my life and rants, and the pet family tag for the fluffy babies!
Ah! And if you strongly disagree with me; it's ok. We can agree to disagree. But if you feel like being insulting, disrespectful and/or passive aggressive, you should unfollow [/block] me right now. It will be better for both of us.
Also: if you think using Gen AI is okay - or /can be okay sometimes/ - just unfollow me.
Thank you! 🙏
The masterpost about my Durge Ellith is HERE.
The masterpost for all my fanfics is HERE.
My opinions, headcanons and analysis:
Astarion and Irony
Astarion's boundaries
How Astarion handles tenderness and care
How a former sex-worker relates to Astarion's experience
Why does Astarion claim he enjoys killing so much?
Astarion’s state of mind in the first sex scene
Refusing to sleep with Astarion a second time
Astarion craves connection and a long answer to a comment about it
Night two: Astarion asks you how you'd want him to kill you.
Astarion's feeding and the "Hot Vampire Fantasy"
Astarion's midnight snacks, but on his own terms
Bonding with Astarion in the Shadowlands (Act 2 hc)
Being Astarion's friend
Astarion / Lae'zel: similarities and differences Part I - Part II
Astarion's scent
How the idea of Astarion’s ascension affected me (cw eating disorders)
Astarion's cheek biting
Act1 Astarion: When the mask falls for a second
My two cents to a post about Astarion's ptsd
My two cents about Astarion 'not getting cuddly'
My two cents to a great to discussion, esp. about AA being "kind when you're nice to him"
My two cents to an excellent essay about AA, concerning how he perceives love and if he needs his consort
General perception of Astarion's and Halsin traumas
Garlic love (silly little hc)
Durge pre-game chronology (questions)
The influence of the companions on Resist Durge
Degrading yourself
Gortash in French
Gale in French
Horny BG3 tierlist
Astarion's heartbreaking face during that first night and here for more
Astarion's type? (No.)
Astarion as a hero
"The charming rake", the anti-hero(?)
Astarion realises heroes don't have to be flawless
Minthara about Astarion running from the sun
Cazador and children (cw mentions of child abuse)
My two scents on the alignment system
The flophouse scene; Astarion's violence
"This isn't about sympathy"... or is it?
Durge created the Absolute: Astarion's reaction
Astarion/Sauron?
The Crimson Manor, AA's eternal prison + Health and safety violations in the Palace (crack post)
Astarion and Thaniel/Oliver: a similar story?
Astarion: An addict to blood and freedom?
Astarion, a "banisher of shadows"
Astarion's self-esteem and sense of worth
Helping Astarion on his healing journey: a few leads
What to do with the spawns after Cazador's gone for good?
Astarion Origin second nightmare
"Don't eat your friends"
Wyll encouraging Astarion in act 3
Karlach being proud of Astarion
Former Magistrate Astarion offering his service
The Gate as Astarion's home
Astarion always "ending up in crypts"
HC: Astarion's precious place in the Gate
Astarion's denial in the cells
My two cents to an excellent post about Astarion's reaction when Raphael reveals his scars
''Astarion and Durge never met before the tadppole adventure': STOP TAKING YOUR HC FOR CANON FGS
Astarion's painful decision to break up with Doomed Durge, or with a Mind-flayer partner.
My two cents to a lovely post about Radiant Astarion's tenderness
Astarion's views on polyamory
When dangerous places remind Astarion of his home
My personal tribute for BG3 (video)
Letting Astarion bite you during the first sex night, and the struggles of vampiric compulsions.
Other tags:
This tag for my screenshots
This tag for the gifs of all my fav Astarion reaction
Requests and asks:
First thing first: I'm really not into AU, unless it's the kind of more or less 'canon' AU in which different Tavs and Durges meet (because I like it when OCs interact!). So yeah, don't expect me to play with AUs, that's really not my cup of tea (Determinism is still a thing to me, with a lot of nuances, but still)
Just so you know, if you have any request in terms of Astarion screenshots (a dialogue or cutscene in particular, an expression, body language, or photomode silliness, that kind of thing...), feel free to send it to me.
Likewise, if you have a question about my interpretation of a scene, or a dialogue or banter, my askbox is open! It also works for my Durge, if you ever have questions about Ellith 🖤
I can't promise I'll do everything you might ask, but if I can and if it inspires me, I will. ✨
Ah, and here are the specs about my current computer system.
And finally, life has been tough lately, since gen AI is stealing my job and I'm very broke, so if you like my stuff, if you want to help me and if you can afford helping, I have a kofi here💜
I’m also on Stoat and Discord for mutuals (only) - Feel free to dm me here so we can get in touch 💕✨
Hey there, I've been enjoying your astarion analyses for a while, and I was wondering if you would be willing to write one about his screwed-up sense of personal boundaries.
Hello Anon !
Thank you very much for your kind words.
First, please keep in mind that I’m no expert in human psychology. I’m just curious and like reading about it, but most of the things I write here are based on my personal interpretation of the character and my own experience. It's no gospel truth.
Mind you, there will be mention of abuse. Proceed carefully.
Also, I’ll try to give a little analysis of my own but it’s such a vast subject that I can’t cover the whole thing. Take it more like a non-exhaustive compilation of ideas and thoughts concerning Astarion's sense of boundaries rather than a full-fleshed analysis.
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Maybe we could begin with a definition of personal boundaries, right? They are "the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships. A person with healthy boundaries can say 'no' to others when they want to, but they are also comfortable opening themselves up to intimacy and close relationships. A person who always keeps others at a distance (whether emotionally, physically, or otherwise) is said to have rigid boundaries. Alternatively, someone who tends to get too involved with others has porous boundaries." (my emphasis) (sources at the end of the post).
Therefore you can define a person with healthy boundaries as someone who “may be open to new experiences and relationships while maintaining their independence and integrity”.
In Act 1 and 2, Astarion struggles to say no, but not all the time; we know he can desire intimacy; but any act of intimacy feels ‘tainted’, even with someone he cares for and trusts.
He keeps the other at distance emotionally, since he refuses to show his vulnerabilities to others, but on the other hand, he’s quite involved with others: he likes to gossip, he asks questions to the other companions, he easily talks to the PC and even opens up about his past without the PC asking for it. He tries to connect, but doesn't seem to manage to create meaningful bonds before Act 2.
When he gets involved with others physically (in Act 1), he doesn’t only do it because he wants to do it: He bites the PC because he’s famished, he has sex because of his plan, etc. As I explained in this loooong post, he's attracted to them, but his desire is entangled with many other motivations.
So I'll try untangle some parts of it, as an attempt to clarify how he seems to define or ignore his personal boundaries.
The causes - His past
When you meet him in Act 1, he’s just escaped a situation in which his boundaries were continually ignored and probably even mocked. The absence of bodily autonomy implies the dismissal of personal boundaries, first and foremost by Cazador (and by proxy Godey).
But I can easily imagine that his siblings, in their dire situation, would also have no respect for each others’ boundaries. We know for instance that Violet pranked Yousen in putting garlic in his bed which is, imo, a clear example of not respecting someone’s intimacy (she messed up with his bed, the only place that is his).
And it’s easy to imagine that it was not the first time one of the siblings “pranked” another. In such a violent environment, lashing out at other victims isn’t uncommon. Besides, it’s pretty clear to me that Astarion was made the scapegoat of the “family” by Cazador, so I wouldn’t be surprised if his siblings – or at least some of them – messed up with him and his few personal belongings – his bed, his clothes and whatever Cazador allowed him to keep.
Cazador – and the spawns, seeking their master’s approval - clearly humiliate Astarion’s for what he sees as “weaknesses”: showing empathy to one of his ‘targets’, for instance.
But we can obviously imagine others reasons for Cazador to humiliate and punish his spawn: when Astarion showed pain and despair or if he refused to go with a “lover”.
By doing so, Cazador erase Astarion's personal limits along with his morals. He punished him for listening to himself and his values, for being himself.
And obviously, the fact that he had to sleep with people whether he wanted it or not must have also heavily affected his boundaries, because he was never able to assert his own needs and limits, that is using “verbal and nonverbal communications to assert intentions, preferences and define what is inbounds and out-of-bounds with respect to their core or independent values.”
After being denied that for so long, Astarion even started to embrace values that weren’t his, to believe he was the persona Cazador forced him to be. We see it a lot in act 1 in the way he presents himself as a debauched individual only seeking the pleasure of the flesh. The fact that he was forbidden to assert his own values and limits robbed him of said values, replacing them with what Cazador deemed fit.
"It's not like me", he says after refusing to bite Araj. But who is this "me" he's talking about? His real self or the 'person' ('tool' would more appropriate) Cazador wanted him to be? The 'me' who usually accepts to use his body as a tool, the me who would have accepted to bite Araj is obviously Cazador's slave, and not Astarion's true self.
And at that point, Astarion realises he doesn't want to be the man Cazador wanted him to be, and that he has a choice.
The person he really is, the man who doesn't want to "get on his back for breadcrumbs", that's the man who must have been called "too precious" by his master and siblings before. He had to embrace the "not-too-precious" persona, to pretend that using his body didn't affect him, to dismiss his boundaries, in order to please and stop being bullied/tortured.
The worst part of it, is that if the PC agrees with the fact that he was "too precious", Astarion just accepts it. The PC confirms Cazador's voice, saying Astarion should not be "stroppy" and keep on using his body whether he wants it or not.
That scene is surely a reminiscence of what had been told to him before. "Stroppy" sounds so infantilizing that I can't help thinking he was first called that by Cazador. And it's so engrained in his mind that he can embrace that persona again if the PC encourages him, forgetting that those values aren’t his but Cazador's.
He doesn't know who is this 'me' at this point, because even if he's free, his body is still the beautiful tool which has been used and abused for so long, and pretending to be the hedonistic vampire is so instinctive that he struggles to acknowledge that he can be someone else - his true self.
There’s a psychological phenomenon that I want to mention here, and which sometimes happen in the case of abuse (not only, though) and which is also relevant to someone with disrupted boundaries: merging.
It’s when someone loses their own personality, sense of personal needs and moral values as they identify too much to someone else, in that case, the abuser, cf. Cazador. “They feel like another person, think their thoughts, sympathize with their interests, and life. The individual does not see a difference between themselves and the other person, losing the ability to understand who is performing what actions.”
I think it applies quite well to Astarion, not because he can't make the difference between himself and Cazador but because he performs the role Cazador wants him to perform, and adapted his own mindset to fit in Cazador's cruel world.
Moreover, Astarion has adopted Cazador's vision of the world as a place where power is all that matters, a world in which Astarion is nothing but a mean to an end, a world in which only power can bring him satisfaction. That’s Cazador’s view of the world, Cazador's ambitions. But as the story unfolds, the PC can show Astarion another aspect of the world, that there are other realities, different from that of Cazador's. And as he realises there are other possibilities, Astarion finally learns to reassert his own values, and redefines his own vision of the world along with his own boundaries.
That being said, even if he struggles with all this in Act 1 and 2, his own values begins to emerge very soon, and most of the time, he shows that he understands consent very well – that of others to begin with.
Respecting others' limits
One could argue that he respects the PC and the companions' because he needs to make sur you trust him. And that's a good point. But it still means he understands the concept of consent, and knows where to stop.
When the PC joins him in the clearing for their first night together, Astarion makes sure the PC wants it. And if the PC changes their mind, he accepts their refusal without insisting or lashing out at them.
Rather well, in fact.
And after the first terrible attempt at biting the PC, he never oversteps if they let him feed on them. He
Likewise, when the PC wakes up while he's about to bite them the first time, and tells him that it won't happen, he doesn't insist.
And he will never do it again. He understands.
But the bite night must be addressed. Because it's an example of him not respecting someone else's boundaries. Trying to bite someone during their sleep without asking first is clearly not ok. Of course, we can explain why he does it (he’s famished, desperate, he’s afraid that if he tells the PC he’s a vampire they’ll kick him away, etc.). And he's also curious.
And it's alright to empathise with him. The game invites the PC to do so. But in any case, whatever motivates him, it doesn't excuse biting his companion in their sleep. It's clearly predatory.
The PC wakes up just in time, but it’s related to game mechanics: it allows the narrative to unfolds. Whereas in an Astarion Origin playthrough, if Astarion choses his target wisely and gets two successful rolls, he can bite the companion without waking them up.
It’s really disturbing, but also coherent regarding his mindset: he’s starving, he thinks a little bite won’t hurt, just a nibble and they won’t even realise it. Given all the awful shit that had been done to him without his consent, he probably sees no harm in this. He even says to the PC waking up that he “wasn’t going to hurt you” – but it would have cause hurt, whether he admits or not. But he probably doesn’t realize that this too is harmful compared to all the hurt he went through.
When the PC wakes up while he's about to bite them, Astarion realises he fucked up. “That’s not what it looks like” he says, because he knows, when confronted, that it looks bad. And it actually is bad. He calls on trust to alleviate the situation, which is a little twisted too, because he knows he somehow broke his companion's trust here. They can decide to forgive him, and the tadpole connection helps understand why he did what he did. But it’s nonetheless a serious breach in one's trust and personal boundaries.
Besides, the next morning, he pretends he already apologized, which he didn’t. And the way he says it is quite dismissive. And I think that's because facing the truth, facing the gravity of the situation is too difficult. So Astarion pretends it’s not that serious, shamelessly gaslighting the PC. Another coping mechanism.
He doesn’t only try to convince the PC, but he’s also convincing himself because deep down he knows he fucked up. Perfect example of cognitive dissonance (briefly that is when your actions don’t match your personal values), which he counterbalances with toxic behaviours like gaslighting. And that would also mean that his true own values are more or less surfacing: he knows it wasn't ok, he's not proud of it, but it's too early for him to face it.
Or maybe he just really doesn't care and I'm seeing too much in this. You decide.
He can kill the PC during the bite night, because they let him go on, or because of bad throws. I think we will all agree that drinking someone to death is 'overstepping' to say the least. Astarion just said they could trust him, they did trust him, and he kills them.
But is it only a question of lack of boundaries, when you learn how intoxicating blood can be? And it’s the first time he drinks the blood of a thinking person – He’s clearly high. The fact that, in Origin, he needs a successful saving throw to stop himself is meaningful enough. It requires a strong will to stop. And if no one manages to stop him, or if his target is asleep, he can hardly bring himself to stop or he will kill them, although he didn't plan to.
Astarion does struggles to control his hunger. He literally gets “carried away” as he puts it, because blood is that intoxicating.
It’s violent. It’s serious. And yet, he barely apologises for it, preferring to brush it off through a joke.
I'll give here the same argument I gave above, about him not wanting to face the awful truth. I think he dismisses it, ignores his guilt and pretends everything is fine, because it’s easier for him. He does acknowledges that he dramatically overstepped, but gaslights the PC and himself, pretending it’s not that serious and that his responsibility is limited, he got “carried away”.
This murder can be seen as accidental but it's nonetheless Astarion's responsibility. He decided to bite someone and couldn't/wouldn't stop drinking. Even in the case the PC didn't stop him in time voluntarily, Astarion is still responsible. That's a point I want to explore a little further.
Responsibility and choice
As Cazador's spawn, Astarion never really had any responsibility. Everything he did was done in the name of Cazador, at the command of Cazador and even if he could feel guilty regarding his targets, he nonetheless managed cover that feeling with the truth: It wasn't his fault.
But now that he’s free, he has to learn to take responsibility for his actions, because even when they’re motivated by his vampiric nature or his trauma, they are still his decisions and he is accountable for what he decides to do.
Sleeping with someone in Act 1 is also his choice, whether he sleeps with the PC or with Lae'zel during the party, it's also his responsibility, even if he didn't do it for "good' reasons.
Likewise, he decided to bite, and wasn’t capable of stopping himself. He is responsible. The thing, he has no idea how to deal with it.
Astarion needs to learn how to hold himself accountable despite his traumas, because he’s now able to control what he does. Even if his motivations are fuelled by his traumas, it doesn’t make him less at fault here. His traumas and hunger surely explain his behaviour, but don’t excuse it.
That’s why the Confession in Act 2 is so important, because here he finally admits that the way he treated the PC wasn’t ok – he asserts his own values, which are not that of Cazador, which are very different from the values he was forced to embrace. Those are not the values of a heartless hedonistic manipulator.
Astarion asserts that the PC deserves to be treated right, and that he wants to live something different with them – something real. Because it finally feels possible to be himself and to treat people according to his own morals. Which also means facing his mistakes (something he cannot yet do in act 1).
Freedom, free-will mean deciding on your own, so it means being accountable for what you do. And in act 1, he hasn't completely acknowledged that.
It's only after he fully realises that he can finally be himself, with his own boundaries, his own values and the choices he'll make according to said values, that he's capable of holding himself accountable for what he does. That's when guilt can become overwhelming. And that's one of the reasons why autonomy, free-will and independence can be scary after so many years in captivity.
That could also explain why his apologies after the biting night sound so lame. He’s learning to be himself, his true self, and not the selfless, heartless hedonist he was forced to become to survive. Remember that he’s convince the world is a cruel place, with everyone fighting for power, he believe that care, compassion and even love are 'weaknesses'. Because care, love and compassion were either sources of punishment, or just completely absent from his life.
In terms of narrative, the bite night is also a brilliant way for the game to challenge the PC; are you ready accept it? Can you give him another chance? Do you have enough empathy to understand why he did something so wrong, or will you condemn him for it? Does this overstepping represent too much of a risk (especially during a first playthrough, where you don’t know the character’s backstory) ?
In act 1, you also have to show trust to the other companions despite the threat they might represent: Karlach being described as a dangerous demon and/or Wyll wanting your companion Karlach dead if you recruit her first, Gale being a literal bomb, Shadowheart’s grim cult, Lae’zel’s harsh threats, etc. It's challenging.
But in early Act 1, none of them literally tries to go as far as to ignore your boundaries like that, putting your life directly at risks after you recruited them. Because even if Lae’zel put a knife to your throat at one point, it seems much more justified because she’s truly afraid you might be turning into a mindflayer.
Saying no
All that being said, it gets even more complicated when you look at how Astarion deals with his own personal boundaries. Again, he has some sense of boundaries, but it can quickly disappear. And that’s where context matters: He can say no, depending on the context.
For instance, he won’t even consider sleeping with the PC if they don’t have enough approval, that is if they have repeatedly ignored him or been a dick to him. They can still ask him to have sex during the party, but he will easily turn them down.
I agree it doesn't require a very high approval to sleep with him a this point, but it's still something.
He can even put an end to the affair during the first sex scene if the PC is rude to him. His plan was working, but he can completely discard it if the PC’s behaviour displeases him.
So, he has the capacity to put limits around his intimacy. They may be quite loose, but they exist.
So I do believe that he's learning, slowly, to define his own boundaries in act 1 and 2.
Now the Araj scene seems to indicate otherwise, right? And yes, it does. Again, context matters.
The PC can order Astarion to bite her, regardless of his consent. Whether the PC is a friend, a sex-partner or none of that to Astarion, they can force him, using their authority as the leader of the group.
The thing is that biting Araj is transactional; they’ll get a very rare and powerful potion for it. And Astarion knows it. That’s something he’s used to: using his body, his “skills” to be rewarded.
So being forced into “selling” his body is, at first, natural, “instinctive” to him. It calls to his long terms habits and even if his true values scream at him to not do it, he doesn’t realise – at first - that he can (should) say no to that too.
Moreover, it’s a surprise attack on his newfound autonomy. He hasn’t prepared anything, he’s taken back by Araj’s offer and the PC if they ask him to do it. He can hardly asserts himself because he's unprepared. He suddenly objectified again by a stranger, out of nowhere.
But he’s been free for a moment, and if the PC forces him to do it, it finally sinks in. He won’t take more of it. His rediscovering his values and boundaries, precisely because that violent experience reminded him that he hates being used like this. His own values take over the values Cazador forced into his mind and allows Astarion to reclaim his bodily autonomy.
He says that Araj’s insisting on him biting her feels “different” – in fact, the situation itself is not that different from what he’s been through before, but he, Astarion, is different. He acknowledges how violated he feels, he can fully feel the violence of such a situation because he’s no longer thinking and seeing the world through Cazador’s lens. And the PC can reinforce that new vision of the world, confirming that those values have always been in him.
He is rediscovering himself without the power of Cazador looming over him. It takes some time, of course. And it's still fragile.
So fragile that the PC can still force him to have sex. In which case he "provides", becoming a tool again, no longer a person. What makes it even more difficult for him to refuse is that he still likes the PC. That’s an important difference between Act 1 and 2: as I already said, in Act 1 if the PC doesn’t have enough approval, Astarion plainly refuses to get intimate with them. In act 2, they have shared a few nights together, he likes them, he begins to really trust them.
During the scene, saying no is impossible because he most probably thinks that if he refuses, the PC he likes will be disappointed. He's afraid to disappoint, to not be enough for them - the only person he grew to trust enough to admit everything. They might reject him, think he's indeed "weak". So he dismisses his new found boundaries.
It’s safer to please them.
It's only during the aftermath that he realizes how fucked up it is. Only after his boundaries were violated again - by someone he trusted - that he realizes the PC treated him like shit. And that he’d rather be alone than with someone who treats like shit.
And seriously, the way he reasserts his boundaries here is impressive. The scene is painful, tragic, but the way it ends is hopeful because Astarion finds his own voice. The voice that says, screams “NO MORE” - a voice he has been suppressing for so long.
A voice who says “from now on, my personal boundaries will be respected. You don’t respect them, I can no longer trust you. Period.” It’s powerful. It’s beautiful. And I’m grateful this scene exists if the PC treats him that way.
Now, in the post-Araj scene, The PC can tell him to keep on using his body, thus reinforcing his bias about himself and the world.
It's like telling him “You have a beautiful body. Use it to assert power. No matter the emotional damage.” (does it remind you of so something that can happen in Act 3? Not a coincidence). And he believes it, because that’s what he was made to believe for so long and he's not been able to fully assert his autonomy yet.
By the way, when the PC doesn’t force him to bite Araj, he seems surprised, almost regretting not doing it: "I should have just gritted my teeth as always and let her have me for a bit", he says. Because "We could have used her potion".
It's a perfectly understandable reaction. Saying no means letting the world see he’s not that “strong” (whatever that means). Saying no means “It would hurt me to do this”. Saying no is being vulnerable.
So when he refuses to do it, he’s unsure. “What if we regret it later?” what if we get “punished” later for not having her potion?”.
It’s a whole new concept to him, that someone respects his boundaries, someone respects his no even if it means they lose something valuable.
He realises that not only his consent can be respected, but also that it feels better to respect himself than to discard his values in the name of power.
For the first time, he refused to sacrifice his well-being. Was he right to do so? Did he miss something in doing so? After all, presumably, Cazador would have punished him for refusing such an offer; Astarion was brought to think that it was worth sacrificing his boundaries to get something valuable, to be more "powerful". The PC just proved him that it can be entirely different.
Redefining himself
Of course, in a healthy situation, being vulnerable is perfectly fine. And allowing yourself to be vulnerable in your safe space is a strength. But Astarion is so used to living in a violent environment that any kind of vulnerability feels dangerous. Therefore, saying no is dangerous. Respecting his own boundaries is dangerous, because it would let the others see that he has soft spots.
But hurrah! the situation has changed and he’s safe with the PC! They accept him as he is. They respect him. Maybe he can start respecting himself and his own morals. But he first has to define his limits. To define what he wants and doesn’t want.
And that’s why he needs time before sleeping with the PC again. It’s not just about waiting for Cazador to be killed, it’s about rediscovering his own boundaries. Which he eventually does when he asserts his newfound self and morals while refusing to do the ritual. By doing so, he's finally assert himself and his own limits and values, and by proxy, he finally knows what he wants and doesn't want.
And in order to define his own limits, he also has to try new things, and to make a few mistakes. Hence the Brothel scene with the Drows.
Honestly, I wouldn’t actually bring my traumatized partner to a brothel in order to have an orgy if my partner doesn’t explicitly ask for it first. But this scene is important for what it tells about the character and about recovering one’s bodily autonomy.
Astarion wants to try, and it’s important for him to do it to realize that it’s not for him (not yet, at least). That’s a way to define one’s boundaries, and as long as he wanted it in the first place, it’s not up to others to judge him. (I just regret the game doesn’t let the PC talk about it with him afterwards).
Adaptation and transaction
The more I look into it, the more I believe that, in Act 1 at least, his boundaries are defined by what he can get from the situation. He adapts (like survivors do), but he has no clear lines. It’s understandable. And in act 1, they rely on what’s happening in the moment: they shift according to what his instincts of survival tell him.
Therefore, if he can get something out of dismissing his boundaries, he does it – in fact, he defines his boundaries according to the value of the transaction.
Powerful potion -> he’ll bite Araj even if doesn’t feel like it.
PC is attractive and safe enough for him to expect their protection -> he’ll seduce them even if he’s not totally into it.
He needs to feed properly -> he might forget his own boundaries and that of others
It never happens for free. If the PC doesn’t have enough approval, he doesn’t sleep with them because he doesn’t think they're worth it: they haven’t made any effort to gain his trust, so there’s no reason for him to think he can ever trust them, no reason for him to discard his limits.
And it’s only after Araj that he realizes that he's not ok with those transactions. No matter what he can gain out of it, it’s not worth it. He needs to respect himself. He needs others to respect him. It’s not worth selling himself, no matter the prize.
Interestingly, if you don’t kill Yurgir, he makes it clear that you disappointed him (and breaks up with you if romanced) at the end of Act 2. And he’s not gentle in doing so, because here he falls back in his transactional pattern : you didn’t do anything to help me, so what do I get out of this relationship? Nothing. It’s not worth it.
The PC didn't show enough empathy, didn't make enough effort for him to believe that relationships can be different than a basic transaction.
It’s brutal but understandable. Again, it’s fragile. And the PC didn’t prove him that they cared enough about him - so he falls back into believing that the world is a cruel place, that the PC only wanted his body, and didn't care about something as crucial as his scars - the mark of his humiliation, which the PC was the only one allowed to see closely.
He needs the PC to make him understand that they care, that they are ready to take some risks to help him. He needs to see the PC understands, or at least tries to understand him.
Nuances and context
Now, after all this, can we tell if his sense of boundaries is truly that fucked up according to what is generally defined as healthy? Well, they definitely are, but maybe not as much as one could expect.
The signs of healthy boundaries are:
Values own opinions – Does Astarion value his opinions? It depends on the context; but the problem here is that his sense of self is not that clear (he's adopting Cazador's vision of the world, the merging phenomenon mentioned earlier), so maybe we should let this one aside.
Doesn’t compromise values for others – Same.
Shares personal information in an appropriate way (does not over or under share) – It varies: on the one hand he withhold the fact the he's a vampire for several days, on the other he can drop some pieces of information about his past without the PC asking.
Knows personal wants and needs, and can communicate them - Clearly no. Not before the Act 2 confession.
Accepting when others say “no” to them. – Yes, he respects and respects consent.
As I quoted at the beginning of the post, one can identify two types of dysfunctional boundaries : Soft (or porous) boundaries and rigid boundaries.
Soft/Porous boundaries imply:
Overshares personal information – In Astarion’s case, not really. He does speak about his past without the PC asking for it, but I wouldn’t call it oversharing.
Difficulty saying “no” to the requests of others – yes, but he can also say no, it depends on the context.
Overinvolved with other’s problems – Nope.
Dependent on the opinions of others – Nope. He cares about the PC’s opinion in the context of his nice little plan, but even then I would say he’s dependent on it. Although he surely used to be dependent on Cazador's opinion.
Accepting of abuse or disrespect – As we saw, it depends on the context since he won't engage anything with the PC if they don't show him respect in the first place.
Fears rejection if they do not comply with others – that one is tricky because the PC can actually kick him out of camp, so the fear is not exaggerated. It’s a real thing.
As for rigid boundaries, they involve:
Avoids intimacy and close relationships – yes and no; close relationships in act 1 are out of the question, but intimacy happens (even for questionable reasons).
Unlikely to ask for help – Nope, he can ask for help (even if it's difficult for him to do so)
Has few close relationships – Yes, but that’s not a personal choice. As a slave, he had no way to be actually close to anyone. Being friends with his siblings in such a violent environment is obviously difficult.
Very protective of personal information - yes and no.
May seem detached, even with romantic partners. – Yes, until the act 2 confession
Keeps others at a distance to avoid the possibility of rejection – I’m not sure about this one. He fears to be cast away, but again, it's a legitimate fear (that’s why he doesn’t immediate tell you about his vampiric nature) but after the PC has accepted him as a vampire, I don’t think he fears rejection. For instance, he takes it pretty well if the PC refuses to sleep with him.
As you can see, it’s not all black and white. Even if I think he mostly falls under the "porous" boundaries umbrella, there are still some balance at stake (some parts of it also relies on game mechanisms of course, like the approval system, so I wouldn't take any of this for granted). (I'd be curious to know what you folks think about those points.)
Regaining his own bodily autonomy, redefining his boundaries, is also about regaining the capacity to define and assert his own values, both in the sense of self-worth and morals. Because it’s clear to me that one’s definition of personal boundaries is intimately connected to their sense of self, to their self-esteem and capacity to explore their true self and to value it. But it also has to do with the way one sees the world, their place in it and where their moral compass stands. Give Astarion the freedom to explore all this while encouraging him to define his own morals in a safe environment, and he’ll eventually find a way to rediscover who he is and what he truly needs.
And I also really want to conclude this looooong post with one point: It's crucial to have personal boundaries, but it's also extremely important to communicate about your limits, your values and what makes you comfortable or not with the people around you. Family, friends, partners, and even colleagues. They can't guess your personal 'rules' if you don't clearly tell them what you can accept or not. And it doesn't mean you have to justify your boundaries (if someone asks you to justify them, they're not worth your trust).
I know it's not always easy, it can even be terrifying, but it's important. Quite life-changing, actually.
And that's why Astarion's confession in Act 2 is so meaningful. He not only acknowledges his own limits but he also tells the PC about them. He asserts them, basically saying "I will no longer let anyone use me for their own pleasure. I will no longer sell myself. And I like you very much. But sex is complicated right now. I need time but I also need you. Can you be there for me without invading the personal space I need right now?"
It's so brave and inspirational.
--
Sources
Chernata, T. (2024). Personal boundaries: definition, role, and impact on mental health. Personality and Environmental Issues, 3 (1), 24-30. https://doi.org/10.31652/2786-6033-2024-3(1)-24-30
Richmond PhD, Raymond Lloyd. "Boundaries". A Guide to Psychology and its Practice. Retrieved 6 May 2015.
Thanks a lot for the tags @archduchessgortash @gortashsrighthand @cursed-nyxan @lucretiousweptiouswep and @missfortunetherogue 🖤Tagging you all back, if you want to share something!
Still working on this draft. And I'm struggling. Hopefully, I'll be getting somewhere (I think...?) + a WIP of one of the pics I took to illustrate the scene(s).
As Ellith searched into their own mind, rummaging through their shattered memories, a new wave of nausea pulsed in their stomach. But they pushed through, trying to remember something, if only the echo of this name.
And they did.
A buzzing echo, accompanied by this now familiar searing pain. After a wince and a few staggering steps backward, Ellith opened their eyes, only to discover that Astarion was standing beside them, concern sparkling in his crimson eyes. “It told you it was a bad idea, darling.”
“And I asked you to go with the others.”
The vampire spawn shrugged dismissively. “… and missing all the fun? Never.” His hand sneaked around the bard’s waist, comforting and grounding, a sheer contrast from his playful, provocative tone.
When they refocused on Loren, the woman was still staring at the name she had written down.
“I think… I think I used to love writing…”
“And what did you write?” Astarion asked with a wave of his hand. “Poetry? Prayers? Love-stories, maybe?"
Ignoring the questions, Loren picked up the note, and with a sudden surge of energy, she violently ripped it in two. “SHE RUINED EVERYTHING!”
The unexpected cry had Ellith jumped against Astarion who tightened his grip, and their hand instinctively moved to the dagger at their side.
Useless precautions.
Loren was already relaxing, her gaze and voice softening as a long sigh escaped her parted lips. “She would sing to me. She sang all the time.”
Or: Hanna's passion is graphic design and this look a kindergarten child was left unsupervised with a glue stick, but you have to pin this piece of art to the fridge anyway.
Art by alstromeri-a, zigloo and rdekarios
Thank you, @mercymaker!
Her collage is here, template can be found here
no pressure tag for @lucretiouswept @ele-millennial-weirdo @purpleasters-inseptember @faeriiefire @rdekarios @ratchsellsfornax @archduchessgortash @arcanearcherayz @alstromeri-a @deianestormborn @litsenn and, as usual @lilhumanoid
I’ve returned to my greatest nemesis, the thing I always start but never finish: the refugee portraits. Maybe this time they'll make it past the WIP stage.
Oh well, how should I start this? Thank you for the many tags I got during the past few weeks more like months. I got tagged by @optimisticgrey (at least 3 times) @michanvalentine @missfortunetherogue (2 times) @lucretiouswept @starlit-serpent @alrendriablaze @lllchiaroscurolll @perpetualmaladaptivedaydream (4 times) @arlynx @litsenn (2 times) @the-shadowfell-darkroom @bhaal-battle-beer-bard @onlytavs and @thecampjuicebox. Guess it’s been a while since I shared a WIP. 😅
I feel a little bad for being so slow to do things, but even if I am sometimes, please keep tagging me in your WIPs. I genuinely love seeing your works!
I was tagged by @ele-millennial-weirdo , @missfortunetherogue , @bladesingerlily @cinder-rellish181 , @fireflyeyes , @litsenn , @archduchessgortash and @unovafarm <3
I have so many drabbles that just sit in Ellipsus, but this month, I'm trying to get them to be fully formed.
And it's both about people turning to the evil side?
Aka what if Achlys would embrace Bhaal.
Aka what if Octavia/Gasper went 'Well, fuck those who abused us, we make the decisions now'.
A divine bristle, a God discontent.
No, don't think about it.
She was light now. She was good. She was Lathanders.
Cradled in His hand of light, banishing the shadows.
She was good.
She was good.
She was good.
My Child, do you remember your teeth trying to bite into soft flesh.
My Child, do you remember how you ached to gauge the eyes out of the sockets.
My Child, do you remember how the rope cut your skin as you tried to launch at him.
Only an Urge, only an Urge.
Gale his face, afraid. Worried.
Rope at his side.
Monster. Animal. Beast.
Bhaalspawn.
Bloodkin. Sister. Betrayal.
Resentment streaming through her like venom.
Jealousy burning through every fibre of her being.
Divinity was always hers to begin with.
Did it please you Father?
As her blade tore through my flesh?
Did you mourn me Father?
As I laid dying?
Did I die, Father?
Did I die and got reborn, Lathander?
Lathander, save me.
Lathander, protect me.
"I know, I've read and heard about you, Gasper," she said as her gaze was fixed on one of the corpses on the floor. She looked up at him after that, there was something in her eyes that changed. The sadness that had ebbed away into something different, something that was hardened.
"They're all the same. They take and they take and they tear pieces away from you without a second thought. All because they felt inferior, all because they were weak once. And then they force us in that as well. To make themselves feel better. Gortash, Raphael. They're all the same, feeding from each other and doing it all over again."
For a moment, he just looked at her, there was almost a heartshaped blood spatter on cheek. The Hero of the Gate, in that moment she seemed more human than Gortash ever seemed. As her hands were shaking and the dirt on her face became more apparant.
"It is how it always is," he just replied before she stepped closer.
"Not when I rule this city."
Gently tagging all them lovelies them back and @carnivaley , @dynamicducks , @cinder-rellish181 , @saylofwaterdeep , @asorceresswrites , @toomanyfamiliars , @theendofanerror , @ghost-of-a-dream-girl , @thesanguinesonnet , @arlynx , @wasteful-sam , @lucretiouswept and @akelan
Over the past few months, quite a few of you have tagged me in various WIP this-or-that posts, lol, but I’ve never actually joined in.
Mostly because I have absolutely no inspiration and haven’t written anything in quite a while.
At this point I’m honestly a little embarrassed, because I’ve had both The Day Astarion Was Saddled with Parenthood and my Vincent fic Beneath the Skin sitting unfinished for what feels like forever. I haven’t even managed to update a fic that’s already written and only needs to be translated into English before posting on AO3.
I don’t even know what to say… shrugs.
Thanks to @surprise-based-teddy-bear, @litsenn, @cursed-nyxan, @roguishcat, @poetsiren, @missfortunetherogue, @a-tangled-mermaid, @thepalelawyer for the tags! <3
Please forgive me for not being able to keep up with all of you lately.
Anyway, I haven’t written anything yet, so I don’t have much to share. So I’ll at least take this opportunity to share the premises of two Astarion x Reader stories I’ve had simmering in the back of my mind for a while (and which I hope to actually develop soon, assuming the planets eventually align).
They’re both fairly angsty—borderline bleak, honestly—and I have no idea where they’ll end up taking me, or which one I should start with. So let’s make it a poll.
As usual, my muse and provider of plot bunnies is @zannyzebra.
OPTION ONE
Out of nowhere, Tav/Reader loses their memory. Astarion suddenly finds himself face to face with someone who now treats him like a stranger (and a monster), despite loving him more than anything in the world.
OPTION TWO
Because of an enemy and a dark spell, Astarion is forced to relive some of the worst moments of his life, literally trapped inside a waking nightmare. Tav/Reader is the only person who can save him from his own subconscious.
So, which one would you like to see me write first?
Tav/Reader loses their memory.
Astarion gets trapped inside a nightmare.
Remaining time: 5 days 21 hours
Choose wisely! Lol.
Devider by @saradika-graphics! Thank you very much! <3
No pressure tags: @astarions-world, @izumiphoenix, @steadyweaver, @spillingteanotpermitted, @archduchessgortash, @burnt-by-marigolds, @irondeficienttav.
I was tagged by @saylofwaterdeep (thank you for making the tag bb), @cinder-rellish181 , @carnivaley , @dynamicducks , @unovafarm , @toomanyfamiliars and @asorceresswrites
I know you were all laughing because of my large amount of fics and praying for my insanity and downfall.
Well, I've taken a nice selection from them and let's go girls.
Pactbound is the one that is just always so nice. Coming to Pactbound feels like coming home and gives me a sense of pride. It's maybe the most sensitive but it's what gives it the extra charm.
The Black Hand is the one we don't talk about anymore. They moved out far away, don't call anymore and there's no contact there.
Intertwined is the lovechild, the one that loves the most. They're sweet and fluffy. They lift your mood from the rest of their siblings. Just warm vibes.
In the Shadows of your Rise is the one that maybe makes you realize 'oh yeah, this family is dysfunctional and we all need therapy.' They swear they're okay but they know that they're not.
The Netherese Booty is the joke of the family. They're just different and everyone really knows it. Nobody talks about it though.
Yours, is my sweet baby, my pride and my joy. They might be in a hard relationship but they're trying so hard.
Fire meets fire is the one where there were no expectations but turned out to be one of the most popular ones from the bunch. Who would have thought?
It was me was part of a septuplets and they have feelings about it. It just wants to be heard, they're yelling and screaming and rebelling. They're just misunderstood.
Prayer of Longing is going through a crisis of faith. Please, don't prod them or they will snap. It's hard being one of the many middle children.
Papillon is the youngest in progress and is stomping their feet to demand attention. A little bit bratty but mommy loves them very much.
Gentle tags to @archduchessgortash , @litsenn , @missfortunetherogue , @lucretiouswept , @graysparrowao3 , @thesanguinesonnet , @lolthwoven , @fassina (I am so sorry if you're already tagged but this exploded xx)
Sure, parents shouldn't have favorite children, buuuut....
Thank you for the tags, @cinder-rellish181 @gortashsrighthand @emmy-and-the-tieflings @archduchessgortash @unovafarm! This is such a fun concept, and I enjoyed reading about all of your fics children.
Gentlest tags for @lilhumanoid @optimisticgrey @chaushaus @elceewunjo @spillingteanotpermitted @litsenn @lucretiouswept @lofi-fried @scoldingdarjeeling @ginateeth @dramatiquechipmunk @alwaysmauria @lolthwoven (if you'd like to be on or off my tag list for more/fewer tags, please lmk here)
The Embrace of Love and Death
My firstborn, my pride and joy. Born during one of the darkest times of my life, they helped me find joy in being alive again and they'll never know how precious they are. Was I a good parent in the beginning? Probably not. But they've grown me in immeasurable ways and it's been a true joy to watch them grow in kind. They're in high school now and growing louder and prouder by the day. We're getting ready to tour colleges and I am NOT ready, although I cannot wait to see what wonderful things they'll do once they fly the coop.
The Modiste & The Marquess
No middle child syndrome here, I've been obsessed with her from the moment I got baby fever and started designing her nursery. Having learned from my mistakes with my firstborn, M&M entered the world with fanfare and glitter bombs. She's a diva, hunnies, and she wants all the attention, often leaving me sleep deprived and half-mad waking me up at all hours of the night with a "I gotta tell you something!" She has turned me into one of those snooty parents who says with a smug, knowing smile that she's better than the other (commercially published) kids in her class.
The Secret Child
What? A second family with @dramatiquechipmunk and @alwaysmauria? I would NEVER! The SCANDAL! Don't ask me anymore questions 👀
Good, they've left to make coffee. Listen, I don't have much time but Miss Fortune isn't the straight-laced cinnamon roll they pretend to be. I was born under the cloak of secrecy in the catacombs of a vampire lair, where I've been held captive my whole life. Sunlight is a foreign concept I read about in books, but I long to see the light, to smell the fresh air. There's a party happening tonight; everyone will be distracted. This is my chance, but I can't do it alone—shit, they're returning. COME FIND ME!
