Something that no one ever told me plainly way back when is that the process of unpacking my abuse history meant feeling a lotttttttt worse before I could get to the place of healing and eventually feeling better.
Things from my childhood I had tidily locked away in the darkest recesses of mind had to excavated and brought into the light to be poked at and understood. Locking them away was (in the short run) easier and necessary for my survival but it was dangerous and detrimental to leave them unexamined too long.
I had to first admit to myself what had really happened. I had to be an adult who now loves the children in my family and wants to protect them at all costs to fully GET how one of my parents failed me and the other actively hurt me when I was my most small and vulnerable. Acknowledging that SUCKS. Naming that those who you love have gravely harmed you SUCKS.
But the temporary pain was all so worth it now that I’m 10+ years into my healing journey. I didn’t want to be the kind of adult who could live with all those truths unseen and festering inside me. The potential damage I could have done to myself and others in an unhealed state was too much.
The happiness I’ve found in life now is all the reward I need for the hard work I’ve done. It’s a level of happiness I didn’t even know was possible 20 years ago. If any of this resonates that I’ve said here with you too, I promise you can also find your own happiness too ❤️
Yes. It gets harder before it gets better. But it get sooo much better and you can do hard things.
This. I'm in my 2nd year of therapy every two weeks. I expressed recently how frustrated I was that it felt like I wasn't really doing anything. I wasn't "getting better". Then we went over where I was when I started and where I am now. I'm not "better". "Better" is a long way off. But I can handle things now. I can manage to get through difficult things in a way I never could before. But most of all, I'm not angry all the time anymore.
I used to be so angry, all the time, at everything. It was draining, and making me sick. I feel better now. Stronger. More stable. But the act of tearing open little wounds and looking at them and cleaning them out so they heal properly is painful. Therapy often leaves me drained. Sometimes I have to take a hot bath and cry it out for 20 minutes or so until it feels like I'm so wiped I can't move and then I need to take my mess and sleep for what feels Iike a week.
I can see why a lot of people quit therapy after a few months. It can feel hopeless, like it's getting worse. But remember, you're cleaning out wounds that have been left to fester for a long time. Psychological wounds, or physical wounds, they both need the same kind of treatment.
Thank you so much for adding your experience ❤️ a lot of what you said here resonates and is familiar to me, as well.
Also, I realized I wanted to add to this to my original commentary as much for myself as anyone…
Healing is not linear.
I’m pretty damn good right now but any number of things could change that. It may get worse again. It may get really, really tough in ways I can’t predict…but if I keep honoring what I know works well for me, doing what I know cares for myself best…it can get better.
At the same time I was unpacking trauma from my chilchood, I discovered the game Alice madness returns where Cheshire says the following: “ Forgetting pain is convenient. Remembering it, agonizing. But recovering the truth is worth the suffering.”
It helped a lot through the difficult time of it , cos unpacking was essential for going forward with my life in general and I’m glad that i did it but it was met with really strong emotions . So it’s hard and if done correctly worth it but now I’m not scared anymore to talk to men so yeah 😅
