You & Me But Mostly Me

Matthew Cauldwell | 23 | Urban Planner

[mattcauldwell]

“I don’t understand why it’s so hard to choose the perfect mother’s day card. Either the stores are running out of the good ones or all the cards are just crap these days...”

[mattcauldwell]

Text: Esme + Matt

Esme: This isn't Mimi's number, this is Esme's number. I haven't gone by Mimi in three years. I'm sure you can guess why.

Esme: So clear the air. I don't think there's anything you could say that would make me look at you differently right now.

Esme: ...I don't...

Esme: She's had it this long. Just let her keep it.

Matt: Sorry. I'll stop calling you that if it makes you feel uncomfortable. It's going to be a hard habit to break.

Matt: There is a lot that was obviously unsaid. From both ends I mean. Like you thinking I love your sister is one. Two, you assuming you have the full story when it's clear to me that you don't. Rockford is now both of our home rather you like it or not. And I don't want you to feel like you need to look over your shoulder.

Matt: Mom wasn't giving it to anyone anyone. She just wanted to share it with me. And I guess it was stupid of me to think it was a good idea to send it to you. IDK.

[mattcauldwell]

Text: Esme + Matt

Matt: Mimi, hoping this is still your number. Wouldn't blame you if you decided to go way off the grid years ago and changed your number.

Matt: Anyway, two things: First off, I just wanted to reach out. We are in the same town now and with our last convo ending awkwardly, I thought it was best to just clear the air. Lastly, my mom found the quilt we made in home-ec our Freshman year and it felt right sharing it with you.

Matt: {image attached}

[mattcauldwell]

harpertucker‌:

“How many people have already pushed The Daily Grind down your throat?”

“If we are talking numbers, I would say 15 since I got here. You would think it was the only place in this town. What do you recommend?”

[sebastian-calnan]

“No he’s not mine. One of the tellers had a babysitting issue and I had a light day.” 

[mattcauldwell]

“You have more patience than I do. Mostly because one, I’m not 100% great with babies and 2, I never get light days. How is the little guy doing so far?”

[esme-melendez]

Here I Go Again || Matt & Esme

[mattcauldwell]

esme-melendez‌:

“You cheated on me! How can you have any moral high ground in this? You cheated on me with my sister. And no matter how much you admit you’re an ass, you’re never going to get what that feels like. You’re never going to get how much that wrecks you and how worthless that makes you feel.” She gaped at him when he tried to tell her that he still cared about her. She always knew there had been a point in their history where he had cared and loved her, but she’d never been able to track where it ended. She just knew that if he had it in him to betray her like that, it had to have ended at some point. Again she was stunned to silence when he so easily said he didn’t care about Ciara. “But-,” she sputtered, “But, you loved her.” She’d been so sure of it. That was the only way she could logic her way around Matt sleeping with her sister of all people before their wedding. There had to be some bigger reason. “You loved her more than me. She always had a thing for you, and you realized you reciprocated, otherwise how can you justify…?” She trailed off. Her mind was spinning. How could he not give a damn about Ciara? What had they ended over? “Again? You pushed me away first. Don’t be upset with me and act like I’m being ridiculous or childish just because you can’t handle the consequences of your actions. You are not the bigger person here Matthew Cauldwell.” Of that she was still sure. She looked at the offered card, but made no move to reach for it. “Five minutes.” She didn’t want to face having to run into him again.

What he wanted to say is that someone had to take it but would that make him sound like a total douche bag? But she was right. He would never know how it felt to be where she has been. To see him do what he did? He wouldn’t be with him either. “You’re...you’re right. I’ll never truly know how you felt. I may think that I do because I want to relate but...no you’re right.” he responded shrugging his shoulders. He could tell that the more they talked, the more it was evident that Ciara was one of the main problems. Esme wasn’t communicating, Ciara seemed to be doing her own thing, there was an obvious sibling problem he didn’t realize was a thing, and he was the root of the whole problem. Esme was everything to him. And to see that he hurt her so badly just made him want to fix this even more than before. “No Mimi. I never loved her. Never felt anything towards her except the fact she was your sister and I would have to deal with her when we got married. Otherwise, I never paid attention to her.” It was the truth. Ciara was an one time mistake but it was the only mistake for Esme apparently. 

“Look, we can go back and forward and never get anywhere. We can be those people but our history is beyond that. I know it is.” He had to bite his tongue from trying to point out that she was acting like a child by not owning up to her own faults. But that was a conversation for another day in the far off future. Maybe. Esme was now willing to listen to him and he was ready. It could go down hill or it could be the start of...some kind of friendship? Who knowns. But he just needed a minute to show her that she never second place. “Look ... When I said I wanted to marry you, that was the truth. I was in love. I saw a forever with you. And then I panicked. Not because I didn’t want to take the next step but I was so overwhelmed coming home from school and having it hit me that this was all real. It was all nervous and you can either believe it or not but I was just so nervous. So I drank that night. Quite a few drinks too. I wanted to respect you, my mom, your family, everyone wanting a huge wedding when I just wanted to say I do and start our life together outside of that stupid small town. And when the drinks started to kick in, I had the need to talk to someone. Anyone. I started to talk to Ciara about being nervous and then we talked more over a few drinks and...you know the rest.” he sighed. “I put my blind trust into someone I thought I could trust. She as going to be family after all. Yet here we are. And I can’t blame her because I let myself get that far but if I could change anything? It would have been going straight to you to talk.”

[elliefoxworth-deactivated202006]

“So, because the building manager gave me the wrong key and told me the wrong apartment, we were about three-fourths of the way through unloading my stuff in the top loft when he realized his mistake. He felt so bad that he’s letting me keep it, though, and not even charging me the $250 a month extra.”

[mattcauldwell]

“Wish I had the same amount of luck as you! Congrats overall though. I can’t even manage to get free samples at grocery stores and you got a one of the best lofts in the building. I feel like I need to just hang around you more and hopefully a little bit of that luck would travel over to me. Have any advice on how I can be you?”

[esme-melendez]

Here I Go Again || Matt & Esme

[mattcauldwell]

esme-melendez‌:

“No, Matt, you don’t get it,” she grit back, the anger she’d hidden deeply coming to surface much more freely than she ever imagined. But it felt deserved. How could he ever ‘get it’? He hadn’t been cheated on. He hadn’t been betrayed. He hadn’t had his entire world turned upside down because she decided at the last minute that she wanted someone else instead. “I shouldn’t care what matters to you. What matters to you doesn’t matter to me any more. It hasn’t ever since I stopped mattering to you.” She tried to keep her voice low and could only hope that everyone was too busy with the party to pay attention to the pair of them in the hallway. She gripped the tray in her hands tightly. Her knuckles whitened from the strain. She was just barely listening to whatever thing had brought him here. All she gathered was that unfortunately it seemed like he was here to stay. “Don’t call me that,” she snapped, “please.” The last word came out more desperate than she meant. “This is my fresh start. Rockford is mine. I just want to get on with my life. I don’t care what your story is, just, just go back to Ciara. Go back and let me be. Please.” Every new words that came out of her mouth felt more and more desperate and she hated herself for it. She hated how much he could still make her feel so broken.

“Then explain to me what I don’t get. Because every time I have attempted to even speak to you, you’ve gone ghost. I get it. I’m an ass and you hate me. But just...talk to me.” There was a sort of desperation in his voice. Mostly due to the fact that this was the one person he couldn’t let go because he needed closure. He understood her anger because he had been angry with himself as well over these past three years. “Don’t put words in my mouth Mimi. If you didn’t matter to me, would I even bother to chase you down at my work function and beg for five minutes? There is a part of you that still cares....at least I hope there is. Just like I’ve always cared.” he sighed. Her next words stung. She was acting like a toddler telling him to leave, going back to his mistake of a drunken night of frustration, and her voice cracking at her plea. He couldn’t help but scoff at all of this. “Wow...so I’m that much of a villain to you huh? You think I give a damn about your sister? I don’t. You think I’m just going to leave my dream job because you are pissed at me and refuse to listen? I won’t. I haven’t been home since that night and I refuse to let you think you can push me away again.” he was getting upset but he didn’t want to give her the satisfaction of “winning”. “If you want to get on with your life, act like a damn adult and take the time to actually talk to me instead of accusing me and pretending I’m some sort of Mr. Wickham to your Elizabeth.” He took a few steps back and leaned against the wall. He reached into his pants pocket and took out a business card. “We can have a civil conversation now or when we can wait until you are more ready whenever that is. It’s your call, Esme Melendez.”

[esme-melendez]

Here I Go Again || Matt & Esme

[mattcauldwell]

esme-melendez‌:

It was stupid of her to think she was in the clear. She didn’t even know where he was headed, she was just trying to put distance between the two of them. The further she got away from the party of business people, the faster her pace. She heard Matt call out for her to wait, but even then she didn’t want to stop. It was only the hand on her shoulder and the sound of the nickname she hadn’t used in almost three years that caused her to freeze. She felt sick as she stood there so close the the boy that had completely shattered her heart. Her arms wrapped around herself and she still didn’t quite look him in the eye. “I don’t really have anything to say to you, and I think you made your stance pretty clear back-back then,” she cleared her throat. She hated how weak and vulnerable she felt in front of him. She didn’t know if she wanted to be mad and rage at him or shrink away and have the earth swallow her up. With all the memories and the thoughts of him and Ciara together, she was leaning towards the latter. “What are you doing here? Why here? I was doing fine before you showed up!” Not necessarily true, but she was doing a whole lot better than she was at the moment.

Now that he caught up with her, he wasn’t sure what to say next. If it was the old Matt, he would take center stage proudly and not understand why she was upset. Yet the ball was 100% in Esme’s court. She didn’t have to stop but she did. That was at least a semi good sign right? Nerves set in and he felt the same emotions he had when he first wanted to ask her out. His stomach in knots, his palms sweaty, and his back cramping up. The added bonus seeing her so vulnerable and heart broken didn’t make things better. “I know you’re mad at me. I get that. But I...” he crafted his words carefully and calmly. “Look, we’ve never truly talked about any of what happened at that party. And I know nothing I will say will make things better or even matter to you but it matters to me.” He nervously rubbed the back of his neck before quickly sticking his hands in his pockets. It was hard not to reach out to her and hold her. Every part of him wanted to be as close to her as possible. It wasn’t proper though. She needed space not his touch. Not anymore. “I got a job transfer here about two months ago to start a huge project here. This party is a work celebration.” he broke down to her. “Honest to God Mimi I had no clue anyone I knew was in this town. Rockford was suppose to be a fresh new start. I swear on my mom’s life I wasn’t following you if that’s what you were thinking. That is not the narrative I want you to think this is.”

[mattcauldwell]

roman-carlyle‌:

“You should invest in a french press. It’ll be cheaper in the long run, and you get to make your own coffee.”

“Saving some coin would be smart to do. However, I know how I am in the morning. Trying to even figure out to to pour the coffee would be a challenge. Any other suggestions?”

[mattcauldwell]

lily-calnan‌:

“Um, you’re talking to the right gal!” Lily beamed. “I work at the Daily Grind, it’s mmmazing coffee, promise.”

“You know what? The Daily Grind has been popping up in a bunch of conversations and it looks like I told my coffee compliments to the right person! Tell me more about this place. I need to know how I should prepare myself.”

[mattcauldwell]

text | Derek + Matt

Derek: I don’t know why I didn’t even think about that.

Derek: Smart man, what’s your go to?

Matt: Hey you are probably in shock from the burn. If it's not a bad burn then some of that gel would go a long way.

Matt: Lagunitas never gets old for me but I do like to venture out and try new craft brews at long as they aren't too out there. Some beer flavors should not exist. You?

[mattcauldwell]

juniperneilson‌:

“Have you tried The Daily Grind down town? It’s a caffeine lover’s best friend and they do some of the best brews round here, hands down.”

“I’ve only been in town for about two months and since it’s been so damn cold, hadn’t had time to explore. A caffeine lover’s best friend are some strong words! This truly must be the go to place for you to even say that. What’s your favorite drink there?”

[mattcauldwell]

jude-murry‌:

“Nothing wrong with Starbs and home brew, but there’s a diner a few blocks from here that has pretty good coffee, great food too.” 

“You’re right. Nothing wrong with Starbucks but I’m just tired of it being my go to. Oh really? Not average but great diner food? Never thought I would ever hear those words in one sentence. How do I get to this place?”

[esme-melendez]

Here I Go Again || Matt & Esme

[mattcauldwell]

esme-melendez‌:

@mattcauldwell

Catering wasn’t the worst job in the world. She liked it well enough, and her boss was great, but it was no baking. She preferred to be behind the scenes, helping to cook the food, but tonight they were understaffed and she’d volunteered to be a server at some fancy work party. It wasn’t hard to be her usual smiley bubbly self, but by the middle of the night, she was getting tired of it all. She was returning to the kitchen to reload her empty tray when she accidentally bumped into one of the guests. “Oh my gosh I’m so sorry, I should have been watching where I was-” she glanced up to apologize only to have her heart stop. There in front of her was someone she’d been trying to escape for the past two plus years. What was he doing here of all places? She quickly ducked her head, hoping he hadn’t recognized her as easily as she’d recognized him. “Uh, I have to go,” she pushed past him, trying to keep herself from full on sprinting away from him.

The company was celebrating another wonderful project finally done. Matt was so glad that the project was done. Though he had only been here for over two months, he could feel how stressed his co-workers had been. So what better way than to celebrate with food, drinks and friends? For Matt, this whole scene was in his element. He had the time to relax since moving to Rockford and just celebrate. Maybe within the next year or two, he would be celebrating his own project successfully completed. He decided that another beer was top priority at the moment. While heading to the bar, he accidentally bumped into someone. “Whoa! So sorry about-” he said at the same time as the person he bumped. It took a moment to realize who was in front of him. It had been years since he had last seen her. He felt his whole face grow warm as memories came flooding back. Before he could even say her name, she was gone. The proper thing to do was to let her have her space. But the Matt thing to do was to go after her. “Wait!” he called out to her. He reached to her and put his hand on her shoulder. “Mimi...Let’s...” he was lost for words. This hadn’t happened since he last saw her. “Five minutes. Just five minutes and then I’ll leave you alone. Please?”

[mattcauldwell]

text | Derek + Matt

Derek: Anyidea how to help a burnt hand?

Derek: I open to anything at this point

Matt: Aloe Vera for the hand after you cool it off.

Matt: Don't forget to treat yourself to some beer as well. #selfcare is important my friend.

[clove-barlowe]

Being from Boston Roisin was used to snow and cold but not in this extreme. This winter had been hard on her. There was way too much snow on the ground. Not to mention the cold and ice. Looking up from the exercise bike, she smiled. “You know since it’s not safe to take a walk outside anymore I guess I’ll just have to settle for doing this instead.”

[mattcauldwell]

Matt realized that someone was talking to him and took the earphone out of his ear. It had been freezing outside these past few weeks and jogging outside was not an option. So he resorted to doing some cardio in the gym. He smiled back at his exercise neighbor. “I feel like Elsa is beyond pissed off these days. But at least I get to try out this bad boy.” he patted the indoor bike. “But hey, less than 30 days and counting until spring right?”