MaxDark158

Call me Mace or Max - They/Them - Aromantic Asexual - I attempt to write but most of this blog is fandom stuff and politics, writing is posted rarely - Ao3 is MaxDark158

[mace158commissions]

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[maxdark158]

Hey guys my commission prices have been updated!

[jjooniiberriies]

imagine some interviewer casually asking bruce wayne who he thinks batman really is and bruce just goes completely straight-faced “it’s me i’m batman” and the interviewer laughs like “haha good one mr wayne” and then the next day gotham just collectively decides this is just like. the funniest thing ever. and now they all start calling batman “bruce wayne” so now you’ve got cops on the radio like “bruce wayne’s on the rooftop again” and news anchors saying “mr wayne apprehended two suspects last night” and batman’s just standing there in the rain growling “stop calling me that” (obviously playing along, he’s so committed to the joke) and everyone thinks it’s just a bit cus batman = brucie wayne is literally so preposterous and meanwhile the batfam is LOSING their minds

[londrya]

Wally: Ok, I gotta ask. Where is everyone?

Dick: Oh well.... Alfred is on vacation. But between us, I think he's got a mission from the CIA or some shit. He packed his shotgun.

Steph and Jason accidentally travelled to another dimension, so Bruce is currently trying to get them back.

Cas got turned into a bat and is clinging onto Damian who is visiting the Kent farm to hang out with Jon.

Duke is exploring the cave system underneath the manor. At this point it's a family tradition to get lost in there at least once.

Wally: Now I'm scared to ask. What about Tim and Barbara?

Dick: Tim is in space with Kon. I don't know what for and I honestly don't want to. And Barbara is writing a Book about Time travel.

[chaoticbatfam]

Jason: *touches garlic while making pasta* Jason: Jason: fuck, I meant to do that with gloves on Steph: *watching* why? Jason: now dick’s gonna refuse to be in a room with me for the next week. He’s got a fuckin’ ridiculous sense of smell Steph: surely— dick: *walks in* Jason: Steph: dick: *walks back out* Steph: damn, okay

[n0tsketchyy]

Headcanon that Jason goes to his grave to relax and absolutely scares the shit out of people

———

Dick: approaching Jason's headstone with flowers, and teary eyes "Hey Little Wing... I know we argued yesterday, and I—I just needed to come here like I used to. Sometimes I forget you're actually back."

The ground shifts slightly beneath him. Dick freezes.

Jason: casually pushing open his coffin lid and sitting up with bed hair and a stifled yawn "Could you keep it down? Some of us are trying to rest in peace here."

Dick: jumps backward, tripping over a nearby headstone and falling flat on his back. His scream echoes through the cemetery. "HOLY SHIT! WHAT THE ACTUAL—" clutches his chest "JASON?!"

Jason: stretching "Who were you expecting? The Joker?"

Dick: scrambling to his feet, voice cracking "WHY WERE YOU IN YOUR GRAVE?!"

Jason: climbing out and brushing dirt off his jacket "It's the only place in this godforsaken city where I can get some peace and quiet. Alfred's always cleaning at the manor, Tim's typing is incessant, and Damian—" shudders dramatically, "—exists loudly." gestures to the coffin "Memory foam. Added it last month."

Dick: still hyperventilating "That's... that's the most morbid thing I've ever heard."

Jason: shrugging "Says the guy who talks to my headstone when I'm not dead."

Dick: after a long pause "...Does Alfred know about this?"

Jason: "Who do you think brings me sandwiches?"

[secretsdcblog]

[Tim and Jason arguing]

Jason: I'm going to remove you from my found family

Dick, chiming in: No one is kicking anyone out of this family!

Tim, ignoring Dick: Does your found family contain Jason Todd? I can fix that!

Steph: Found family is how I forget about my daddy issues.

Duke: You could achieve the same with a cult.

Tim: Are you implying we're in a cult?

Duke: That's exactly what I'm implying.

[dustinthestarz]

just remembered this tiktok

—

tim: hey, which do you think? red dress or black dress for tonight?

kon: oh i don't know, you'll look beautiful in whatever you decide

tim: thank you, but im actually having a hard tim deciding and i was hoping you could pick

kon: either way you're gonna be the prettiest one at the gala babe, i love you so much

tim: okay no- i love you too and i know you think im beautiful and this isn't a test. i just, which dress would you perfer to see me in tonight?

kon: i prefer you just the way you are

tim, stepping out of his room: oh my god- HEY JASON! red dress or black dress!?

jason, from otherside of the manor: black. red makes you look like a bitch

tim: thank you!

jason: no problem!

[jjooniiberriies]

ok. scenario: gotham slowly realising batman has absolutely NO idea how to handle praise and the city collectively starts weaponising compliments against him

like some teenager gets saved and just goes “thanks, batman :) you’re doing great, actually” and he literally freezes because no one has said that to him since 1997. he just stands there in the smoke like some medieval knight having an emotional crisis. suddenly news anchors are saying stuff like “batman was seen preventing a mugging last night. great job, king” and the police scanner has gcpd officers doing it too “uh… b-man? mr batman, sir? rooftop on east. you’re doing… good. proud of you. over.” and batman’s cape very subtly twitches like he got shot

the batkids IMMEDIATELY clock what’s happening and it becomes psychological warfare:

nightwing on the group chat: You’re doing amazing, B!

robin: Father, I am… impressed. Do not make this embarrassing

red hood: nice punch. proud of you, buddy.

batman: Enough.

red hood: <3

babs starts leaving sticky notes on his gadgets like “good job charging your equipment :)”

and tim schedules google calendar notifications including “you matter. drink water.”

cass passes him in the hallway and bumps her shoulder into his like you’re here. so am i. she signs safe before disappearing again.

steph starts trailing him on rooftops yelling “DARK KNIGHT AAATE” until criminals leave out of secondhand discomfort

even the rogues are in on it. they all pool together to make a large bouquet (which looks totally incohesive, by the way) tied with a pretty bow and a small glittery card: thank you <3

he just. stares at it

bruce is suffering. genuinely suffering. emotionally constipated billionaire vigilante brought to his knees by basic positive reinforcement

[cupidsberetta92]

First... Prev... Next

[nexusofbirds]

Headcanon that it’s a milestone in the Batfamily for each Bat to find Bruce’s contingency plans and realize Bruce has made one for them too.

—

Dick is in his third year as Robin, and is searching the Batcomputer

Dick: Contingency plans? Huh. Flash, Superman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern… ME?

Bruce, walking in: Are you ready for patrol, chum?

Dick, snapping his head toward Bruce and pointing at the screen: Explain!

Bruce: Oh, my contingency plans? I make those for everyone in the Justice League.

Dick: I’m not in the Justice League!

Bruce: But you were trained by me, which makes you better than some of them.

Dick: But I wouldn’t become evil!

Bruce, coming to stand next to Dick so that he can scroll down: I don’t think I would either, but I have a contingency plan for myself in case I do. See?

Dick, muttering: You’re so paranoid.

Dick: Wait, you actually think I’m enough of a threat to make a plan for me?

Bruce: Of course. You’re my son.

Dick, getting a little teary-eyed: Oh. Thanks.

—

Tim is in his second year as Robin and has heard about Bruce’s reputation for making contingency plans, and wants to see them for himself

Tim: Here it is! Contingency plans. Let’s see… why the fuck am I on here?

Tim, clicking on his plan to read it: A weaker fighter—uncalled for—who relies more on intellect and strategy than raw strength. Create a trap with an overwhelming number of variables. While he is distracted, disarm and restrain him.

Tim, leaning back in his chair, crossing his arms: That wouldn’t work… probably… would it?

Tim: I’ll make a better one, just in case.

Later

Tim: Hey, Bruce, I updated your contingency plan for me.

Bruce: You found that?

Tim, kind of proud now: Yeah, and I figured if you think I could be a threat, then you should probably have a better plan. I thought of one that would work.

Bruce, reading the plan: Tim, this says to fake all of your loved ones' deaths and to get someone to shoot you while you’re grieving.

Tim: I know. If I become evil, you need to kill me because I’ll escape any prison you put me in. I’m pretty susceptible to bullets, so this should work.

Bruce: …good thinking.

—

Bruce is typing up Cassandra’s contingency plan

Cass: That won’t work.

Bruce, flinching in surprise: Cass, what are you doing here?

Cass: Observing. That plan won’t work. It relies on you taking me by surprise. That’s unlikely.

Bruce, sighing and deleting what he’d written because he knows she’s right: I know. Are you not offended I’m making a contingency plan for you?

Cass: Maybe. You’ll find out soon.

Bruce, worried: Oh.

—

Stephanie has been Batgirl for a year

Steph: So, Bruce, I was on the Batcomputer, and I couldn’t help but notice you have a contingency plan for me in case I go a little nuts.

Bruce: Yes.

Steph, pleased: When did you decide you needed a plan for me?

Bruce: Three months ago.

Steph, less pleased: Wait, but Dick and Tim both said they found theirs when they were Robin.

Bruce: Yes.

Steph: Fuck you, old man.

Bruce: …

Steph, realizing what she just said and hurrying away: I’ll be going now!

—

Damian is three months into being Robin

Damian, hanging from the ceiling of the Batcave, looking down at Bruce working on the computer: Hm. A contingency plan for me. A respectable decision, Father.

Bruce, looking up, remembering the time Cass also caught him writing a plan: How does this keep happening?

—

Barbara has been Oracle for a while

Barbara: Bruce, I just thought you should know that using a city-wide EMP isn’t going to work as a contingency plan for me.

Bruce: It won’t?

Barbara: Definitely not.

Bruce, frowning: Did you have a better suggestion?

Barbara: If I turn rogue? Hope I see reason. Or find a way to temporarily disable all electronic devices. That’s on and off planet.

Bruce, unhappy: …I’ll have Tim look into it.

—

Duke is talking to Dick, Jason, Tim, and Damian

Duke: I found the weirdest thing on the Batcomputer today. Bruce has a contingency plan for me.

Dick, patting him on the back: It was about time you found it!

Damian, nodding: Congratulations. I’m sure you’re pleased.

Duke: Uh, not exactly. Kind of offended, actually.

Tim: Eh, you’ll get over it. We all find our contingency plans pretty soon after joining.

Jason, who has never seen a contingency plan for him: The fuck? No we don’t?

Tim: Aside from Steph, we all found ours as Robin.

Jason, confused because he looked through the contingency plans as Robin, and he wasn’t on there: Uh, no?

Dick, frowning: You didn’t find a contingency plan for yourself when you were a kid?

Jason: No. There wasn’t one—I looked.

Damian: Unlikely.

Duke: You sure you didn’t just miss it? There’s one for you now.

Jason, shocked: He added one? When?

Duke: I think it said it was updated last week. Not sure when it was made.

Bruce, walking in: Hello.

Jason, glaring at Bruce: When did you make a contingency plan for me?

Bruce, thinking: A few days after learning you were Red Hood, I believe.

Dick, Tim, and Damian: Shocked gasps

Dick: You didn’t have one for him as Robin?

Bruce: No.

Jason, hesitantly: Why? You seriously made one for Timmy over here—

Tim: Hey!

Jason: And not me?

Bruce: I had ideas. I just didn’t foresee needing them, so I never made an official file for you.

Jason: …

Dick: You trusted him that much?

Bruce: Yes.

Jason, turning his head away: …should’ve made the damn plan.

—

Realistically, I think if Bruce were making contingency plans for the entire Batfamily, he definitely wouldn’t have skipped over Jason, but this is more interesting imo, so here we are.

[londrya]

Bruce: I have to leave. My child is hurt.

Diana: Which one?

Bruce: I don't know. But one of them always is and I need a reason to leave.

[n0tsketchyy]

headcanon that the bat kids have a shared note on their phones called "shit bruce says that's technically not a lie but is INCREDIBLY misleading"

examples include:

bruce, calmly sipping coffee while covered in bandages: "the mission went fine"

bruce, after disappearing for 3 days: "i was busy with work"

bruce, to a socialite asking about his kids: "they're very well-behaved"

bruce, after alfred finds him testing potentially lethal tech on himself: "the chances of catastrophic failure are statistically insignificant"

and the latest addition, from last tuesday:

tim: "did you seriously tell superman you were 'mildly inconvenienced' when you had THREE BROKEN RIBS?"

bruce, not looking up from his computer: "three broken ribs IS a mild inconvenience"

jason, walking past: "to fucking WHO?"

bruce: "language."

jason: "TO WHOM, then, you absolute psychopath?"

———

damian adds his own entry later that night:

"Father told me today that Grayson was 'somewhat enthusiastic' as Robin. This is the same Grayson who did a quadruple somersault off a skyscraper just to catch a hat that was blowing away from a civilian."

dick, reading over his shoulder: "in my defense, it was a really nice hat."

[papayafromtv]

how the fam find out Jason's still alive

Dick, looking through old photo books: aw, it's such a shame Talia didn't tell B about you until recently Dami, I'd have loved to see photos of you as a baby

Damian: ? I can get baby photos if that is required in this family

Dick: what, how? Talia doesn't seem like the baby-book kind of woman, no offense.

Damian: She was not, however after my brother was brought out of the Lazarus pit he was given a few old cameras in an attempt to make his mind focus on something not harmful to himself and settle down. He took a lot of photos of our family during his training.

Dick:

Bruce:

Both, simultaneously: your what now?

-later-

Damian, walking into the room with an old box: Alright so I broke into his current safe house while he was working and took one of the boxes. I believe these should suffice for your 'baby books'

Bruce: hold on you broke into his- your brother lives in Gotham??? there's a trained league assassin working in this city and you didn't tell me? Damian we need to talk about your habit of withholding important infor-

Dick: Bruce.....

Bruce: -mation. what?

Dick: look at the.... photo...

Bruce, leaning over to see a photo of Jason Todd holding baby Damian up at the head of a meeting table like in the lion king, red smear on his forehead, while Ra's Al Ghul stares at them both from his seat looking Tired Of Jason's Shit™:

Damian, peering at the photo: yes, Todd got quite good with the timers on those cameras, he took many a photo holding me like that. I believe it was a special campaign designed to get on grandfather's nerves enough that he'd agree to watch the movie with us.

Bruce:

Dick:

*screaming*

bonus:

Tim: you know some of these photos are actually really good, like the angles and tones you used

Jason: you steal Robin, I steal photography.

Tim:

[secretsdcblog]

[Another alternate Titans Tower because I'm not done]

Tim, at the tower talking to Dick over comms: You know what would be crazy? Jason Todd being the Red Hood

Tim: But that's just a theory.

Tim, in his best MatPat voice: A game theory!

Jason, appearing out of nowhere: What the fuck how did you know

[jjooniiberriies]

tim discovers the “bruceman” fandom by accident at 2am. he’s doing research. normal research. looking for a crime syndicate, not… not that.

google: “bruce wayne bat—”

autocomplete: “bruce wayne batman boyfriend”

he pauses. stares. clicks. regrets.

the internet has created a ship between bruce wayne and batman. there’s fanart. there’s fanfics. there’s edits to “take me to church”. he sits there in silence for three whole minutes.

by morning, everyone knows:

Jason: who told the internet about bruceman and how do i bless their firstborn

Duke: i read one of the fics and bruce calls batman “my dark protector” im in tears

Tim: he crew. we both crode

Steph: STOPP i think i saw that one it had like 87k views!!!

Damian: This is blasphemy. This is against reason.

Dick: The fanart. The fanart

Damian: There is no dignity.

Cass: True love.

bruce walks in mid-chaos. sees bruceman on tim’s screen.

utter silence.

because the thing is. the thing is it was supposed to be a cover. a deterrent he’d only started (stupidly, naively started) so no one would ever consider the possibility that they were the same person!

so, in that perfect calm batman tone, he just says: “we are never speaking of this again” and just leaves. and that’s the day he almost retired.

[abcdfghjklmpqrobin]

I need us as fandom to use the fact Damian has a sweet tooth so much more.

Like this kid is genuinely out here having poptarts and hot chocolate for breakfast in canon.

( DC vs Vampires #2 and Adventures of Superman: Jon Kent #4)

We need this energy in fandom.

Damian drinking tea 24/7. Boring, sad, he doesn't even like it.

Damian seeing his siblings take protein shakes and electrolytes when training, and deciding to imitate them by making himself chocolate milk and putting it in a sports bottle. Innovative, funny, could happen.

Imagine.

Jason, sweating: Ah, damn. Ran out of water. Can I have some of yours?

Dick: Sorry, man. Finished mine too.

Damian, offering a huge hydro flask: You can have some of mine, Todd.

Jason: Oh, thanks

Jason: *taking a sip and immediately spitting out*

Dick: Woah! Are you o–

Jason, looking at Damian horrified: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS??

Damian, confused: Vanilla shake with m&m's

[jjooniiberriies]

people always ask “why doesn’t nightwing compete in the olympics?” like babe. he did. accidentally.

it started because bruce said “maybe go to college” and dick heard “develop a new personality and flee the country”. next thing anyone knows he’s in romania qualifying for men’s artistic gymnastics under a fake name. the funniest part is he’s the adopted son of one of the most photographed billionaires on earth. “who is this mysterious gymnast? 😍” would last approximately six minutes before anyone chronically online goes “?? isn't that??? richard grayson???”. (it is quite literally the worst-kept open secret in history). (the fake name didn’t last very long).

and still, everyone pretends it’s normal. like, yeah. of course the acrobat heir to the wayne empire ran away to do elite gymnastics on a global stage. that tracks.

except the olympic committee is sweating through their suits because how do you deal with someone who is

a global celebrity and established philanthropist

actually qualified athletically

also somehow immune to media training

because dick will just casually give post-routine interviews like: “i train about 6 hours a day, plus core, flexibility, patrol… uh, patrolling my thoughts :) mental patrol. positive patrol. yeah.” the press laughs because they think he’s joking. bruce is at home gripping the armrest and tearing out his hair

they try to put him through media prep because they want gotham to have SOME good press but dick just does not get the memo. like he genuinely believes he’s nailing it while saying things like: “yeah no, i don’t really get nervous. i just pretend i’m vaulting over a burning car haha.”

fans are making thirst edits, sports analysts are crying, and every commentator opens their segment with “yes, that richard grayson.”

and every time he does a routine, there’s always like one move that’s not illegal so much as “the FIG code of points literally does not know how to categorize that.” the judges just quietly agree to let it slide because there is no rule that says “the gymnast may not perform a vigilante-adjacent aerial manoeuvre.” and through all of it dick is genuinely just trying his best and being stupidly sincere and uncompetitive like “i’m just grateful to be here :)” while absolutely assassinating the scoreboard.

clark interviews him once for the olympics broadcast (good ol’ “family friend” nepotism) and is sweating the entire time because this is his most globally televised story yet like do not mention batman. do not mention acrobat double life. do not mention chasing a dude off a train last tuesday.

and dick just smiles like sunshine and says “i don’t really believe in limits. b says pain is temporary and so is death if you have the right connections” and clark nearly chokes on-air.

he wins medals, gives one to alfred, and spends the after-party dodging wealthy diplomats from subtly asking if he’d like to join the CIA