Nexus

Your very normal and average hero enjoyer

[nexusofbirds]

The Batfamily while bored on patrol, Part 2

Part 1

—

Jason: Y’know how B said I should try out having a real job?

Tim: Yeah. You figure out what you’re gonna do?

Jason: *silence*

Tim: Uh, Hood? You there?

Jason: No, yeah, I’m just thinking through if you’re the right person to pitch this to. I think I need Spoiler in here. I’m gonna text her to join the comm line.

A moment later, there’s a ping as Stephanie joins the line

Steph: Wassup? You said there was an emergency. Do you need backup?

Jason: Nah. I need your opinion on something.

Steph, her voice flat: What.

Jason: It’s important! B wants me to get a real job to try making money in a normal way instead of being a crime lord, and I had an idea.

Steph, interested: Okay, I’m listening.

Tim: What did your fucked up mind come up with this time?

Jason: So, like, people are really interested in us, y’know?

Tim: Yeah…

Jason: So what if I made a channel that’s a show kinda like Keeping Up With the Kardashians, but it’s us? There’s a lot of context people are gonna need, so I’m gonna have to recreate some pivotal moments in our careers before getting to current-day shit, but I think it could work. I’m onto a money-maker here.

Steph: Oh my God…

Tim: There’s no way that’s what B meant when he—

Steph: That’s genius—let’s do it!

Tim: Wait, wait, wait.

Jason: Fuck, I knew you weren’t the right person to pitch the show to.

Tim: No, no, I do think it could work, but if we’re doing this, we need to recreate you dying. That’s important context, right?

Jason: Naturally.

Tim: Can I be the Joker?

Jason, laughing: You want to re-enact beating me up with a crowbar?

Tim, seriously: There is nothing I’ve ever wanted more.

Jason: Yeah, okay. You can be the Joker.

Tim: Yes!

Steph: Oh, oh! Me next! Can I be your mom? The one that sells you out, I mean.

Jason: Yeah, I think we need to include her, so sure.

Steph: Hell yeah!

Tim: Okay, so now we just need a few places to record.

Jason: We’ll also need to make Batman come find me in some wreckage.

Steph: It’s gonna be hard to get him to play along.

Tim, nodding: Extremely difficult.

Jason: I’ll figure it out. Worst comes to worst, we get Nightwing to dress up as B and have him fill in.

Tim: No way he agrees to that.

Steph: He hated being Batman!

The comm line pings as Dick joins

Dick: Hey, hey, what’s going on tonight?

Tim: Quick hypothetical question for you.

Dick: Okay?

Tim: How would you feel about playing Batman in the recreation of Hood’s death?

Dick: …

Tim: I know, Joker is clearly the better role, but I’ve called dibs on being him.

Dick: What the fuck.

Jason: Not hearing a no.

Steph: Neither am I!

Dick: What is this even for?

Jason: Keeping Up With the Bats.

Steph: The people of Gotham yearn for information on us.

Jason: And I rose from the grave for the sole purpose of being the one to provide it through a YouTube TV show.

Dick: Yeah, you know what, B kinda pissed me off earlier today. I’m down.

Tim, Steph, and Jason: *cheering*

[nexusofbirds]

Imagine if after being revived, everything is the same with Jason, except he can’t feel pain anymore. He realizes this pretty quickly while he’s training with the League because every time he gets punched or kicked, it’s just mildly uncomfortable. He decides not to tell anyone, and every time he gets hurt, he has to remember to act as if he can feel it.

—

Dick: Hey, Jay! Glad you could make—IS THAT A KNIFE IN YOUR SIDE?

Jason, looking down at his side: What do you—SHIT!

Jason, doubling over, trying to remember how much getting stabbed is supposed to hurt: Fuck, can you tell Alfred to get me… uh… Advil?

Dick: Advil?

Jason: …yes?

Dick: I think you’re gonna want more than that, Jay.

Jason: Damn… fentanyl?

Dick: …I’m gonna get Alfred.

Jason: Yeah, good idea.

—

Jason: Okay, Duke, so when using grappling hooks, you really want to just go for it. Like, just fucking jump, and believe you’ll figure it out as you’re falling.

Duke: That’s not what B said…

Jason: Yeah, and it’s not what Dick, Tim, Steph, or Cass will tell you either, but I’m right.

Duke: What about Damian? You didn’t mention him.

Jason: You really think I wasn’t the first person to teach him to use a grappling hook? He learned from me, like you are now.

Duke: Is that why he’s… the way he is?

Jason: Doesn’t matter! Anyway, watch this. I’ll show you what I mean.

Duke, shrugging: All right. Go for it.

Jason jumps off the roof, then shoots his grappling hook. It doesn’t hit anything, and he lands roughly on the ground.

Duke, looking over the edge: Dude! Are you okay?

Jason, standing up: I’m good!

Duke: Fuck, your leg! You shouldn’t be trying to stand—I think I’m gonna be sick.

Jason, looking down to see his leg is twisted at a very odd angle and a bone is sticking out of it: Oh, shit.

Duke, swinging down to stand next to Jason: Seriously, how are you not passing out from the pain?

Jason, remembering this should be excruciatingly painful: Uh… I’m in shock. *screams, falling to the ground*

Duke: There it is. Just hang tight, Jason. I’m calling for help on the comm line. Yes, B? We need the Batmobile.

—

Jason is in the Batcave, giving himself stitches in his side for a large laceration.

Stephanie, walking in: Oh, Jason, I didn’t realize you were here! Uhm, what’chu doin’?

Jason, stitching himself back together while drinking from a to-go cup: Drinking a smoothie.

Stephanie, frowning at the wound: I could help you with that.

Jason: Nah, I’m good.

Stephanie: How much numbing did you use? That looks like it hurts.

Jason, remembering getting stitches without local anesthetics would be painful: Numbing? Oh, the usual.

Stephanie: No, seriously, how much lidocaine did you inject?

Jason, trying to remember what percentage of lidocaine is normal: Not much. Only, like, fifteen percent.

Stephanie: …

Jason, sensing he’s made a mistake: …

Stephanie: We need to get you to a hospital immediately.

Jason: Would you believe me if I said I was joking?

Stephanie: Not really.

Jason: What if I give you the rest of my smoothie, and you don’t make me go to the hospital?

Stephanie: You could literally go into cardiac arrest any minute, Jason.

Jason: It’s strawberry banana.

Stephanie: …how much is left?

Jason, holding out the smoothie: At least half the cup.

Stephanie, taking the cup from him and taking a sip: You'd better live.

—

Jason’s on a cot in the medical area of the Cave

Bruce: Jason, I think we need to talk. You got shot three times, and you didn’t even flinch.

Jason: Yeah, uh, there’s definitely a reason for that. Just give me a minute to remember it.

Cassandra: Jason not flinching seems reasonable to me.

Bruce, pinching the bridge of his nose: Cassandra, for the last time, being so used to being shot that you don’t flinch isn’t normal.

Cassandra: Perhaps it is, and everyone else is worse than Jason and me.

Jason: That’s a good point. Ever consider that you’re just weak, Bruce? Oh no, a bullet hit me, I’m going to fall over and die. What even is that? It’s just a bullet. Barely does any damage if it doesn’t hit an organ.

Bruce: …

Cassandra: I would have put it differently, but yes, what Jason said.

Bruce, muttering: There’s nothing wrong with them; they’re just special. There’s nothing wrong with my children; they’re just different.

Jason, leaning over to Cass: That a new mantra of his?

Cassandra: Yes. He says it often.

—

Jason’s on patrol.

Barbara, over comms: Red Hood! I was looking over some camera feed and saw that you got hit by a car. It was going really fast, and I just wanted to know if you wanted me to call in some help to get you to Leslie or to the Cave.

Jason: What? It wasn’t going that fast. I’ve barely got a bruise; I’m fine.

Barbara: Okay. I wasn’t going to do this, but that car was going forty miles an hour, and when it hit you, you flew ten feet through the air, landed on the ground, and then pushed yourself to your feet and walked away. First and foremost, I’m worried about internal bleeding, so you need to get your ass to a doctor. But second, I’m getting really curious about why you don’t seem to be able to die.

Jason, snorting: Did we just forget the whole Joker incident?

Barbara: Red Hood.

Jason: Okay! I might not feel pain anymore.

Barbara: That’s what I thought. But also, are you sure that’s all that’s going on? I repeat, you got hit by a car going forty miles an hour.

Jason, shrugging: Pretty sure. Especially since my vision’s been kinda weird since the car thing.

Jason faints.

Barbara: Yep, okay. Definitely injured and not immortal.

—

Jason, walking up behind Tim: Tiiiim, Timbers, Timmy.

Tim, turning in his chair to face Jason: What?

Jason: I’m supposed to take Damian over to the Kents’ place for the weekend, and I was wondering if you could do it.

Tim: Why? What are you doing?

Jason, who really doesn’t want to do a long drive right now: Nothing, I just don’t feel good.

Tim, raising an eyebrow: You don’t feel good? You?

Jason: Yeah, it’s uh… my abdomen? It’s hurting.

Tim: I’ll take Damian, but you're going to a doctor.

Jason, groaning: I’m fine, though. It’s just a stomachache or something.

Tim: No, because I’ve watched you go through a lot of shit, and you’ve never once complained about pain or not feeling good, so you’re going to the doctor, or I’m not taking Damian.

Jason, figuring it’ll just be a quick visit: Yeah, okay, whatever.

Later, at Leslie’s clinic

Jason, pointing to a random spot on his abdomen: Yeah, it’s right here. It’s just been hurting.

Leslie: And are you nauseous at all? Does it hurt to press on it?

Jason, not really paying attention: Yeah, sure.

Leslie: I’m going to do an ultrasound since we don’t have access to a CT machine.

Leslie, doing the scan: As I suspected, it looks like you’ve got appendicitis. We need to get you into surgery.

Jason: WHAT?!

[nexusofbirds]

Headcanon that Damian’s test for whether or not he should trust someone is watching what they do around ants while outside. The person drops a bit of food for them during lunch? Acceptable. Trustworthy behavior. They have empathy. The person ignores the ants? Also acceptable. The person squishes the ants? Now it’s getting pretty weird, and Damian doesn’t like it. The person takes out a magnifying glass and burns the ants alive? Yeah, they need to be put on a watchlist; that’s future rogue behavior.

[nexusofbirds]

AU where Red Hood manages to get on the list of trusted adults that elementary, middle, and high school teachers tell their students they can report problems to. He also does presentations at a bunch of schools about avoiding getting involved in crime.

For example, a middle school teacher will be telling her kids who to go to if they ever feel unsafe or want to report an incident, and will be like, “The police are first, naturally, but if you don’t feel comfortable going to them, you can tell me, a trusted family member, or Red Hood, since he was nice enough to leave us a phone number any of the students can use to contact him. He also gave us a mailing address for those of you without access to a phone.”

Jason has a policy that he doesn’t kill anyone that the kids tell him about, since he doesn’t want to risk kids blaming themselves for someone’s death, but he does investigate and put them in jail when necessary.

At first, Jason doesn’t tell anyone in the Batfamily that he’s doing this, but one day, he does a presentation at Damian and Duke’s high school, and when he walks onstage, he can see both of them whispering to each other, watching Jason in disbelief.

Later, he checks the messages on the phone he has that’s attached to the number he gives out to the schools, and is listening to voicemails when he comes across one from Duke and Damian.

Damian: Hello, Red Hood.

Duke: We were just wondering if you take requests for investigations.

Damian: We have a brother who we think could be hiding very important information from us about what he does each day.

Duke: Let us know if you’ll look into him. Our number is …

Jason responds very professionally, politely telling them that because of his busy schedule, he can’t take random requests for investigations. If the brother is endangering or hurting them in any way, please leave another message with more information, and he’ll get right on that.

Damian and Duke listen to people around their school saying that they’ve never felt safer. A month goes by, and they’ve noticed that at least ten of their classmates have stopped coming to school with fresh bruises. Naturally, they start telling the rest of the Batfamily.

Bruce is the first to confront Jason about it, simply questioning why he doesn’t see any murder rates going up with Red Hood being so busy.

Jason: The fuck? You think I’m gonna kill the abusers these kids tell me about? They’re assholes, but these kids don’t want them dead.

Bruce is satisfied.

Dick is next.

Dick: Is this why we almost never see you anymore?

Jason, who has dark circles under his eyes because he’s barely been sleeping in order to keep up with all the kids requesting his help: Yes.

Dick: Aww, Jaybird, you’re like the big brother of all the kids in Gotham! That’s so cute!

Jason: I’m too tired to respond to that.

After a few months, Jason starts getting fewer reports. It’s not because the kids don’t trust him to handle things, but because a lot of the situations have improved. Besides that, just the knowledge that kids can call up Red Hood at any point and he always responds has a lot of guardians too scared to hurt their kids or anyone else in their house. Things get a lot better for a lot of people.

[nexusofbirds]

I know Tim wasn’t stalking Batman and Robin as a child, but the headcanon that he was is so much funnier. ‘Cause like, picture Tim, 9 years old, getting a new camera for his birthday, and his first thought is “I should document all of Batman’s and Robin’s actions.” And then for some reason, he’s just really good at it. This child, with no training or equipment whatsoever, is just climbing the rooftops of Gotham, managing to find Batman and Robin almost every night, even keeping up with them sometimes, just so he can take pictures and innocently document their vigilantism.

Except the thing is, he’s following and watching them so often that it’s just straight up stalking at this point. And then it gets worse because he figures out their identities, and he thinks, “I wonder what Robin is like when he’s not being Robin,” and starts following Dick around to learn if he’s a normal person or not.

So then, Dick becomes Nightwing, and Jason becomes Robin, and Tim starts this process over with Jason. By the time Jason dies and Tim joins the Batfamily, he has a whole box of hundreds—probably thousands, really—of photos of Bruce, Dick, and Jason. When he moves into the manor, he takes the box with him. One day, Dick is in Tim’s room, and he finds the box and starts going through it.

Dick: Hey, Tim, why do you have so many pictures of Bruce and me as Batman and Robin? And Bruce and Jason? How did you even take these—half of them are from rooftops.

Tim: Oh, don’t worry about those. It was just a hobby that I started as a kid.

Dick, kind of amazed because these are good pictures: No, seriously, these are impressive. How often did you randomly come across us?

Tim: Randomly… right, right.

Dick: Wait—is this one of me at school?

Tim: …

Dick: And this one is Bruce and me eating at a restaurant. This is Jason at his middle school graduation… me with Koriand’r when she visited Gotham. Tim!

Tim, hesitantly: Yes?

Dick: Were you stalking us?

Tim, slowly: Uh. No?

Dick, holding up the pictures: Explain!?

Tim: Okay, well, it started when we met at Haly’s Circus. It was a really traumatizing day for me. Your parents' deaths gave me a lot of nightmares.

Dick: I'm sure.

Tim: And photography helped! So when I got my own camera, I thought, hey, what’s a more interesting subject to study than Batman and Robin? So I went and took pictures of you guys. And then I found out your identities. And then I was thinking, huh, Dick went through that traumatic day, too. Is he normal? So I started following you and taking more pictures. And then by the time Jason came around, it was just part of my normal routine.

Dick, taking out another picture: This is me in my apartment in Blüdhaven last week!

Tim, shrugging: I never said it stopped being part of my routine. It’s how I check in on everyone now.

Dick, not really sure how to react: I’m just going to put these photos back and pretend I didn’t see any of that.

Tim: Okay.

Dick: And stop taking pictures of us when we don’t know you’re doing it.

Tim, lying: Will do.

—

Bruce learns about the photos, but is already so attached to Tim that he just doesn’t see anything wrong with it and goes, “That’s a funny thing for a child to do. You were such a funny kid, Tim,” and ruffles his hair.

[nexusofbirds]

The Batfamily while bored on patrol, Part 1

—

Tim and Jason are waiting for Dick to join them

Tim: I think I could do it.

Jason: I say go for it.

Dick, over comms: Don’t encourage him to do a standing double backflip on the edge of the roof!

Jason: You used to be fun, Nightwing.

Tim: Yeah, Nightwing, now it’s always don’t do the flip, Red Robin, and you’re going to die if you attempt that, Red Robin. Where’s you can do this, Red Robin? I just want to be encouraged for once in my life.

Jason: See, Nightwing, now you’re making him depressed.

Dick, groaning: I miss when you two actively hated each other.

Tim: Okay, I’m just gonna do it.

Jason, cheering: Yeah!

Dick: No!

Jason: I’ll count you down! Three, two…

Dick, distressed: Don’t do it.

Jason: One!

Tim: *screams*

Jason: …

Dick: Hood, what happened?

Jason: …

Dick: Red Robin? Hood!

Tim: I’m alive!

Jason: Oh, thank fuck.

Dick: What happened?

Jason: Red fell off the roof.

Tim: Correction: I double backflipped off the roof. Shit. My shoulder’s dislocated.

Jason: Get up here. I’ll pop it back in place.

Dick, muttering: Ten minutes. Can’t leave you two alone with each other for ten minutes.

Dick, a few seconds later: Hood, be honest, did he manage the double backflip?

Jason: …

Tim: Of course I managed it! Tell him I’m coming for his circus theme, Hood.

Jason: Ehhh. You did, like, a flip and a half.

Dick: *Relieved sigh*

Tim: Did you just—are you relieved I failed?

Dick: No, I’m not happy you fell off the roof.

Tim: That wasn’t the question!

Dick: Sorry, you’re breaking up. Ch-chh, oh, you hear that? Static. I’m—ch—gonna leave the line now. Be there—ch—in five.

Dick disconnects from the comm line.

Tim, making it up to the roof: Unbelievable.

Jason: You know what would be really funny?

Tim: What?

Jason: If you tried to do the flip again.

Tim: …

Jason: It’ll be so cool the second time.

Tim: Shit, you’re right. Fix my shoulder. I can get at least another three attempts in before Nightwing makes it here.

[nexusofbirds]

Thinking about Damian and Cassandra and mourning the fact that they hardly ever interact in the comics. I think their relationship would be really interesting because of the similarities in how they were raised and the differences in how they view that experience. For Cassandra, it was really traumatic, and she doesn’t have any positive memories associated with her upbringing. But when Damian is new to Gotham, he misses the League, and specifically, the familiarity of being around like-minded people and the structure of his daily life. He knows he’s not supposed to, so he never mentions it, and everyone just assumes he mostly feels the same way Cassandra does—glad he left.

Bruce notices that Damian is struggling to connect with everyone, and he asks Cassandra to try going on patrol with him, hoping that Damian will have an easier time understanding Cass because of their similarities.

Damian is surprisingly open to the idea. He doesn’t say it, but part of him is hopeful that Cassandra will understand him. She was also raised to be a perfect assassin, so surely, even if she now holds disdain for those methods, she must sometimes miss the efficiency and power they brought. She must have struggled to adjust to life in Gotham too.

That night, Cassandra and Damian are on a rooftop, watching over the city, and Cassandra tries to make conversation. “It’s strange, isn’t it?” she says.

Damian looks at her, his eyebrows furrowed. “What is?”

“How easily Gotham starts to feel like home.”

And the mention of home only has Damian thinking about the League; his mother, training, and all the good memories he has of it that are bright enough that even the bad parts can’t cast a shadow over them. But he can’t say that because he can’t let people know how much he misses his old life. So instead, he just answers, “Yes. So easy that I sometimes forget it once wasn’t,” and lets go of the idea that someone might relate to him.

Damian tries to distance himself from Cassandra after that, but for some reason, she keeps insisting on being around him. He quickly gets irritated by this, her presence always reminding him of how much he doesn’t fit in with his new family, and he starts telling her that he expected the Black Bat to be more impressive and things like that, hoping that she’ll get fed up with him and leave him alone.

She doesn’t. Instead, one day, she’s talking to him, and she says, “It’s strange, isn’t it?”

Damian already doesn’t like where this is going since the last time Cassandra said that, it only ended with him feeling more isolated than ever, but he still answers, “What is?”

“How home can sometimes feel so lonely when you’re different.” She tells him how she couldn’t speak when she first came to Gotham, and how it made it difficult for her to connect with people. She wanted to, but she didn’t know how, so instead, she spent almost all of her time training. “I didn’t miss my father or my old life, but I still felt lost sometimes. Gotham had become home, but it was a home I didn’t entirely fit into yet.”

And it might not be exactly what Damian feels, but it’s close, and suddenly, he thinks he might not be so different from everyone else after all.

—

Let Cassandra Cain interact with her siblings! I scream as I’m dragged away…

Lots of thoughts recently about Damian and how going from living with the League to the Batfamily in Gotham would have affected him. He’s so interesting to me

[nexusofbirds]

Part 4 of Jason lying about Batfamily members to Damian

Part 1

—

At the League

Damian: You were close with Father.

Jason: Yeah.

Damian: Why?

Jason: You know why. He adopted me, and I was Robin. We spent a lot of time together.

Damian: Yes, but why did he take you in?

Jason, shrugging: He saw that I was committing crimes and wanted me to be better, I think. He knew he could give me a better life, and I don’t know. Maybe he saw part of himself in me? Look, I don’t try to understand Batman’s thought process. Lost cause.

Damian, thoughtful: So he likes helping children?

Jason, realizing that Damian is just trying to get a better idea of who Bruce is, and seeing an opportunity: Yeah, but not really. He likes that children are easily manipulated. It’s good for his army.

Damian, confused: His army?

Jason, fighting back a smile: Oh, yeah. Bruce is really paranoid, right? So basically, in case things go to shit one day, he decided he needed an army of loyal soldiers to help him fight. And who’s more loyal than the kids you raise? So first, B found Dick and made him Robin—did all the training and that shit. But then, Dick left, which meant it was time to start working on the second child for the army: me.

Damian, eyes wide: But Richard left, so surely he wasn’t loyal enough for the army. Doesn’t that mean Father’s plan failed? Why try again with you?

Jason: Dick would come back if Bruce needed him, and Bruce knew that. I don’t think there’s anyone Dick is more loyal to, even if he and Bruce don’t always get along.

Damian, quietly: Like a cult.

Jason, patting Damian on the back: Exactly!

Damian: Will I be expected to join the army one day?

Jason, thinking: If he ever learns about you, yeah, probably.

Damian, clearly conflicted about this information: I see. Thank you, Jason. This was very informative.

Jason, ruffling Damian’s hair: Anytime, kid.

—

Damian is in the Batcave for the first time

Damian, looking at Jason’s memorial: What’s this?

Bruce: That was the memorial for the second Robin. He’s Red Hood now.

Damian, reading the memorial plaque to himself: Jason Todd, a good soldier.

Damian, whispering: The child army. It’s real.

Bruce: What was that, Damian?

Damian: Nothing, Father.

—

Bruce is talking to Dick about Damian, months after Damian joined the family

Bruce: He’s doing a great job as Robin. I’m just a little confused about something.

Dick: What?

Bruce: He loves helping children.

Dick, not sure why that would be strange: I’m not following.

Bruce: Every time there’s a child in danger, or who needs to be calmed down, or anything like that, he insists he does it and that I deal with something else. It’s like he doesn’t want me to go near other children, and I’m not sure why.

Dick: Huh. That is weird.

—

Later, Dick is with Damian, Jason, Tim, and Cassandra

Dick: Damian, I meant to ask you something. Do you purposely keep Bruce away from children while on patrol?

Damian, muttering: I didn’t think anyone would notice.

Tim: Sorry, why are you keeping Bruce away from kids?

Jason, having a feeling it’s his fault, but not remembering what exactly he said: You don’t need to answer that, Damian.

Damian, staring at Jason: Is this another time that what you told me should remain secret?

Jason, now certain it’s his fault: Probably would be for the best.

Dick, glaring at Jason: No. Damian, what did Jason tell you about Bruce that makes you think he can’t be around kids?

Damian: …

Dick: Jason, I swear if you told Damian that Bruce is dangerous or something—

Jason: It wasn’t that. I wouldn’t have lied about Bruce doing anything that bad.

Dick, calming down: Good.

Jason: I think.

Dick: Jason!

Jason: No, I’m pretty sure it wasn’t anything that damaging. Like a strong ninety-nine percent sure.

Tim: Okay, now I’m really curious. Damian, just tell us what Jason said.

Damian: Well, Jason made me aware that we are all part of Father’s child army, and that his primary reason for taking us in is to create loyal soldiers.

Dick, pinching the bridge of his nose: Jason.

Tim, laughing: Wait, that could be real, though.

Dick: Tim, no. That is not why he took us in.

Cassandra: Did we ever consider that it is?

Jason: See, they get it!

Dick, ignoring that: Damian, Bruce isn’t making us soldiers for some weird army.

Damian: Why does Jason’s memorial say he was a good soldier on it, then?

Dick: …

Cassandra: He has a point.

Tim: He really does.

Jason: That’s what I’m saying! It was a joke at the time, but I seriously think we need to consider that Bruce is just making us into a loyal army, and that he’s gonna keep on recruiting new children until he has a whole—shit, what’s a group of bats called? A whole weaponized colony of bat-children he raised that are willing to die for him.

Dick: I’m not even responding to that. Damian, it was nice of you to try to save other children from being recruited into an army, but that’s not necessary.

Damian: You misunderstand. I was not trying to save them.

Tim: Then why keep Bruce away from them?

Damian: I had to ensure that one of them didn’t replace me.

Dick: Wait, so you thought you were in an army, and your main concern was not being removed from your position within it?

Damian: Of course. I couldn’t risk losing my rank.

Jason, laughing: Wow, that’s fucked.

Damian: Were you not angry when you learned Tim had taken your rank after you died? You also greatly valued your place in the army.

Jason, no longer laughing: Okay, well, that’s different.

Damian: How?

Jason: Because I fucking said so.

Cassandra: This being an army does make sense for why Bruce would take me in. I was very well-trained. I would have been a great benefit.

Dick: I can’t believe you guys are going along with this. Bruce isn’t making a child army! He just happens to mostly train children… and a lot of his closest allies are children when he meets them… and okay, yes, he does stress how important loyalty is, but…

Jason, smirking: You gonna admit it now?

Dick: Hm. Damian, maybe you should keep doing what you’ve been doing. Just in case.

Damian: Understood. I will not allow Father near any children for their safety.

Bruce, who just walked in and overheard that: WHAT?

[nexusofbirds]

More transgender Jason Todd headcanon stuff

—

Imagine if, for a while, only Bruce and Alfred knew Jason was trans because when Bruce found Jason, he was young enough that having short hair and wearing ‘boy’ clothes was enough for him to pass. Pretty quickly, Bruce got him on hormone blockers before later switching Jason to hormone therapy, so (at least while he was Robin) he didn’t go through female puberty. Dick and Barbara weren’t told all of this because Bruce wanted Jason to be able to tell people in his own time (if he ever chose to), so only he, Alfred, and Jason knew.

Unfortunately, when Jason was resurrected by the League, he didn’t have access to testosterone for a while and ended up going through female puberty. This would be one of the reasons he ended up leaving the League and returning to Gotham, since he wanted to start testosterone again and get top surgery. He did that before becoming Red Hood and revealing that he was alive.

So then the shit with Bruce goes down, and eventually, Jason rejoins the Batfamily. He still doesn’t tell anyone he’s trans, though, because he just doesn’t really see any point.

The first time he changes around them, Tim asks why he has mastectomy scars. Jason straight-up lies, saying, “Torture. Some asshole thought it would be funny.” Everyone accepts this answer without question, even Bruce, who knows Jason is trans but didn’t think about how not being on testosterone for a while would’ve affected him, and the surgery he subsequently would’ve needed to get.

Then Damian joins the family, and for a while, nothing’s different. Except one day, when he’s like 11 or 12, Damian randomly says, “I hope I don’t develop breasts during puberty,” and Dick and Tim are like the fuck?? Dick asks what he means, and Damian says, “You know, like Jason.” This just leaves them even more confused, so Damian explains, saying, “He developed breasts while at the League. He told me that when people go through puberty, there’s a fifty-percent chance they get them. He was unlucky. I wish not to be.”

Dick immediately reassures Damian that that’s not how puberty works, and then he and Tim go to confront Jason and are like, “Hey, so wtf did Damian mean by this?” Jason keeps his composure. Internally, he’s screaming at himself for forgetting Damian watched him go through puberty, but that’s fine, because he can work with this.

So Jason, using all his acting skills, tells them, “It was an unknown side-effect of the Lazarus Pit. For a while, my body did some weird shit. My hormones were all fucked up, and I used it as an opportunity to mess with Damian.”

Dick and Tim just nod along and are like, “Yes, yes, makes sense,” and even Jason is a little surprised by how easily they were convinced.

At one point, Dick catches Jason doing his weekly injection and asks if Jason got dosed with fear gas or something because he thinks Jason is giving himself an antidote. Jason briefly considers going along with that excuse before saying, “Naw, I’m all good. Just doing my Saturday drugs.”

Dick is horrified. Jason tells him to piss off and tell Bruce if he’s so worried. Dick does just that and immediately goes to Bruce and tells him, “B, I caught Jason doing drugs. I’m not sure what, but it was injectable, so I’m worried.”

At first, Bruce is equally as concerned. He asks Dick if he thinks this is the first time Jason has done this. Dick repeats what Jason told him: that he apparently does it every Saturday. Bruce is suddenly reminded that Jason is trans (something he had kind of forgotten atp) and remembers that Saturday was always his injection day. “The drugs are fine,” Bruce says, and Dick is so confused.

“You’re fine with Jason doing drugs? Every Saturday?”

Bruce just makes a sound of affirmation because he’s not about to out Jason, who clearly doesn’t want it known he’s transgender. Dick leaves, both confused and concerned. He returns to Jason and tells him that he knows a good rehab facility, and that he can get him help. Jason, not finding this as funny anymore, sits Dick down and tells him he was joking, and that it was just testosterone.

Naturally, Dick is relieved. He asks why Jason is on testosterone, and Jason just says that he’s got a deficiency in it, and he’s had to take it for years. And of course, Dick just believes him, once again not asking any follow-up questions.

Eventually, Jason does begin telling the rest of the Batfamily he’s trans, but he doesn’t do it in a serious conversation way. He just kinda sneaks a comment in here or there. For example, he goes on a rollercoaster with Dick, and the first thing he says when the ride ends is, “I swear to God, I could feel my uterus moving during some of those loops.”

Dick is like, “Your WHAT?”

Jason just shrugs and vaguely says, “Organ of misery and pain,” and doesn’t do anything else to confirm that he’s trans. Dick doesn’t ask about it, but he sure as hell thinks about it.

Or he’s with Stephanie, and they’re about to get in line to order food at the same time as a different man, and the man sees Steph is with Jason and says, “Ladies first.”

Steph teases Jason about it, but then Jason claps back with, “Nothing wrong with going back to being a woman for a few minutes to get my food faster.”

At first, Steph is like, “I hear that,” but then she processes what Jason actually said and is like, “Sorry, the hell did you just say?”

Jason responds with, “That I like to get my food fast,” and Steph just kinda stands there, wondering if she imagined the part about Jason having been a woman previously.

Tim is the first to crack, and he bravely says one day, “You don’t need to answer, but are you trans?”

Jason is just like, “Fucking finally. Been waiting for one of you to ask that for years. Detectives my ass, you’re all oblivious as fuck. I have mastectomy scars. Damian said I went through female puberty. I don’t have a dick, and I don’t bother packing. I’m on weekly testosterone injections. I go to Planned Parenthood for my bloodwork and testosterone prescription. And you know this. Are you stupid? Like actually?”

Tim is kind of offended, and is like, “Well, I suspected it for years! I just didn’t want to ask ‘cause it wasn’t my business! Anyway, I checked your records when I first learned you were Robin, and they said you were born female, so I’ve been pretty sure since before I met you.”

“The fuck happened to it not being your business?!”

Tim shrugs. “Recent development. But yeah, I’ve known for years.”

“And you never mentioned it to anyone?”

“No? I’m not an asshole?”

And Jason is actually really touched by that.

—

I kinda started yapping there, sorry y’all. As a trans man, I just really love trans Batfamily headcanons

[nexusofbirds]

Transgender Jason Todd headcanon, but it’s just the rest of the Batfamily pissing him off when he’s having bad dysphoria to distract him

—

Jason, having a mental breakdown over being born female, and covering his face with his hands: Fuck, I hate having a female body so much, they suck so bad.

Steph: Whoa, misogyny alert!

Jason, looking up at her in disbelief: The hell did you just say to me?

Steph: Just calling it as I see it, man.

Jason, annoyed: Oh, so I can’t say I hate my body now?

Steph: You can. You just also added that female bodies suck, and that was kinda misogynistic of you.

Jason, who will never allow himself to be a misogynist even on his worst days: Fine! I hate my body, but female bodies as a whole are beautiful. Happy?

Steph: Yes, much better. Wanna get me Batburger to make up for the original comment, though?

Jason, squinting at her: Seriously?

Steph: I mean, you don’t have to, but a real feminist would make up for their misogyny by supporting women in any way possible, and this woman is craving Batburger.

Jason, grabbing his wallet: Fucking fine. Come on.

—

Jason’s been staring at himself in the mirror for fifteen minutes

Tim, who sees him looking at his top surgery scars and can guess what’s up with him: You’re more obsessed with yourself than I thought. You’ve been checking yourself out for way too long.

Jason, finally looking away from the mirror: That’s not what I’m fucking doing, asshole!

Tim: I don’t know. Shirt off, muscles out, staring longingly at your body. I think you’re just really into yourself.

Jason: I’m not into myself. That’s Dick’s thing.

Tim: That’s a shame. At least then someone would be into you.

Jason: Oh, so you’re just being a dick for no reason now, huh?

Tim, shrugging: Am I wrong?

Jason: Yes!

Tim, grinning: Prove it. Let’s go to the club, and if someone hits on you, I’ll take it back.

Jason: You’re not 21.

Tim, sarcastically: And I’ve definitely never used a fake I.D. to go to the club before. So, are we going?

Jason, somewhat defeated: I’ll text Steph and Cass to see if they want to come.

—

Jason, sitting silently on the couch, clearly upset: …

Damian, walking by: Good job, Todd.

Jason, puzzled: With what?

Damian: Not crying. Just like a real man.

Jason: WHAT?

Damian: I need to be going now.

Jason, standing up and grabbing Damian’s shoulder before he can leave: No, we’re talking about that. First off, showing emotion isn’t feminine or weak. Secondly, don’t say I’m like a real man. I am a real man.

Damian: Yeah, and you prove it daily by not crying.

Jason, kind of irritated now: For fuck’s sake… You saw Bruce cry last week while watching Old Yeller. Is he less of a man now?

Damian: No. That movie was designed to break people. Anyway, I don’t see why you’re offended. You clearly try to avoid crying when you can. I once saw you run with a knife, trip, and accidentally stab yourself. When your eyes started watering, you swore and then bit your hand until you successfully blinked away the tears.

Jason, not wanting to examine why he did that: Don’t psychoanalyze me.

Damian: Then don’t be so easy to psychoanalyze.

Jason, defensive: I’m great at hiding my emotions!

Damian: And that’s why you don’t cry. And also because you think hiding your emotions makes you more masculine.

Jason: Let’s stop talking about me. You do know you’re allowed to show emotion, right?

Damian: So convincing coming from you.

Jason, frustrated: You just said you’re good at reading my emotions and psychoanalyzing me and shit! So clearly I do show emotion!

Damian: No, I just know you. But I could help you show emotion.

Jason, scoffing: You could help me?

Damian: Yes.

Damian punches Jason in the liver

Jason, doubling over, his eyes watering: Ow! What the fuck?

Damian: Are you going to stop yourself from crying, or are you going to show emotion?

Jason, who can’t remember how they even got to this point: Fine! I’m crying! Are you happy?

Damian: I don’t know. Are you?

Jason: No, because you just fucking punched me!

Damian: No other reason you’re unhappy?

Jason: What? I don’t know, not really?

Damian, smiling: Then yes, I’m happy.

[nexusofbirds]

Part 4 of Jason and Jaybin pretending to be father and son!

Part 1

—

Dick, Jason, and Jaybin are all dressed in black with ski masks on, standing on the roof of a bank

Dick: It’s not too late to turn back.

Jaybin: Why would we do that? I do this all the time.

Dick, strained: You keep saying that, and it’s really not reassuring me.

Jaybin, innocently, but secretly really enjoying messing with Dick: It doesn't? I’m sorry, Uncle Dick. You can leave, and Dad and I can handle the robbery. You won’t get any of the money, though.

Dick, looking at Jason: He does know we’re rich, right? Jay, we’re rich. We don’t need the money, I promise you.

Jason, shrugging: You know, I tell him that, but he insists we go anyway.

Dick: And you really just let him?

Jason, who’s really committed to the robbery lie at this point: The fuck am I meant to do? There’s no stopping him from going.

Dick, covering his face in his hands: That just can’t be true. He’s only thirteen.

Jaybin: And I’m very dedicated to my craft.

Jason: I tried to stop him, but he just kept sneaking out, so, as I said, I just started going along.

Dick: That can’t be the best solution. Jay, I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can let us go through with this.

Jaybin: But there’s a lot of hungry orphans relying on me getting this money so they can eat this week.

Dick, faltering a little: You’re feeding hungry orphans with the money?

Jason, no clue where the hungry orphans came from, but giving Jaybin a thumbs up anyway: He sure is. You wouldn’t want to stop him and prevent the orphans from eating, would you, Dick?

Dick: And this is what you always do with the money?

Jaybin, seriously: Of course.

Dick: Okay… I guess I can allow it. It’s for a good cause at least.

Jaybin: Yay! Let’s go!

Jaybin leads the way into the bank. They’re in the vaults when Jason feels a presence watching them

Jason, recognizing who it is by the weight of his gaze: Oh, shit. Fuck.

Jaybin: What?

Dick, familiar enough with Bruce to know when he’s watching him: We’ve gotta go.

Jaybin: But we almost have the money! The orphans! Think about the orphans!

Jason, stuffing a bag with money and shoving it into Jaybin’s arms: Go, go, go! I’ll get the other bags filled—run!

Jaybin, turning to leave: If you’re sure…

Jason, filling another bag with money: Yes! Just go!

Dick: Can I go to?

Jason, giving Dick an empty duffel bag: Nope. You’re in this now, so fill the damn bag!

Batman lands in front of Jaybin as he’s about to leave the way they entered

Jaybin: Shit! Batman!

Batman: Yes.

Jaybin: You wouldn’t hit a child, would you, Batman? *pointing toward Jason and Dick, still filling bags with money* Get them! They’re adults!

Jason, snapping his head back to Jaybin: Excuse me? I know damn well I raised you better than that!

Jaybin, attempting to run past Batman: You’ve only raised me for like two weeks! I’ll tell your stories!

Batman grabs Jaybin by the back of his shirt as he attempts to run by, and lifts him up

Batman: You are going nowhere except to the Cave. And Dick, why are you still filling that bag? Put the money back.

Dick, freezing in place before dumping the money out: Right, okay.

Jaybin: You know it’s us?

Batman: Yes, I know.

Jason: B, I can explain.

Batman: And you will. At the Cave.

Jason, sighing and dumping the money out: Fine. But you have to feed the orphans this week.

Jaybin, nodding: It’s very important.

Batman: When have I not fed you guys?

Batman, after a second of silence: Also, you’re not orphans anymore. You’re my children.

Dick: We aren’t disowned?

Batman: Not yet.

Jaybin: Heavy on the yet.

Batman: What?

Jaybin twists around, grabs Batman’s arm, and bites it hard

Batman, letting go of Jaybin: Ow!

Jaybin runs to the money and fills his pockets

Jaybin: We can go to the Cave now.

Jason, smiling affectionately: That’s my son.

—

Bruce, Jason, Jaybin, and Dick are at the Batcave

Bruce, seeming very tired: Why? I give you all the money you could ask for, and you rob a bank. Just tell me why.

Jason: Well, you see—

Dick: It’s Jay’s hobby.

Jaybin: It’s true.

Bruce: You rob banks as a hobby?

Jaybin, smiling proudly: And other buildings. I bet you didn’t even notice that the safe in your room was broken into.

Jason, slightly disturbed because as far as he knew, the robberies were a lie before tonight: You what?

Bruce, worried: Did you take something?

Jaybin: No. I left you a present. It had to go in the safe because it’s important.

Bruce, not sure whether to be concerned or touched: Hn. That’s nice, Jay. You still can’t commit robberies, though.

Jaybin, frowning: What if I stopped robbing banks—

Dick: That would be preferable.

Jason: Shut up, Dickface, you were robbing the bank, too.

Dick: To make sure nothing bad happened! That’s the only reason I was there!

Jaybin: —and I only robbed non-banks instead.

Bruce: That’s not better.

Dick, leaning over to Jason to whisper to him: What are you teaching your kid?

Jason, shrugging: Stuff.

Jaybin: It’s not?

Bruce: No. I need you to stop robbing places entirely. Please.

Jaybin: Got it. So vehicles are still on the table?

Bruce, taking a long breath: No.

Jaybin: Houses?

Bruce, desperate now: That’s still a place, Jay.

Jaybin: Ohh, I get it. I can only rob people.

Jason: Keep it in the family, and yes.

Bruce, giving up: That works.

Jaybin, happy: Okay!

Bruce: Jay, why don’t you go upstairs and find Alfred? I’d like to speak to your father and uncle alone.

Jaybin: Okay, grandpa!

Jaybin leaves

Jason: Look, Bruce. Dad.

Bruce: No.

Dick, quietly: Shit, not even the Dad-card worked.

Jason, whispering: We’re in trouble.

Bruce: Yes. Robbing a bank and allowing Jay to go with you was horribly irresponsible. He could’ve gotten hurt or arrested. I know you didn’t plan to be a father, but I still expect you to take that role seriously and do what’s best for Jay, Jason.

Jason, sarcastically: Oh, and you’re so much better at being a father by making all your kids vigilantes.

Bruce: Not the point.

Jason: No, you know what, I’m not going to be lectured about whether I’m a good dad or not by you.

Cass, appearing: You have made multiple mistakes, though.

Jason, jumping out of his chair: Jesus! When did you get there?

Damian: Cassandra is correct.

Dick, flinching in surprise: Damian? Why are you here?

Damian: I bet I could be a better father to Jay than Jason.

Jason: You’re, like, a year older than him!

Damian: And I could still do a better job.

Cassandra: I, too, would like to try to parent Jay.

Dick: I’d give it a shot.

Jason, in disbelief and offense: I can’t believe you guys are trying to take over parenting my son right now.

Bruce: I will also attempt to parent Jay.

Jason: The hell you will!

Bruce: Consider this your punishment for the bank, Jason. Dick, you’re banned from the Batmobile for two months.

Dick: Two months?!

—

The next few parts will probably be different Batfamily members trying to parent Jaybin because it amuses me

[nexusofbirds]

more jaybin and Jason mayb,,,,????? them actually robbing the bank mayb,,???? And getting stopped by Bruce who is now extremely concerned as to why his eldest sons and his first grandchild were robbing a bank mayb??????

You’re in luck because the bank robbery was already planned to be the next part of this series! I’ll definitely have this written and posted soon (and Bruce will for sure be involved), I’ve just been a bit busy! Anyway if yall have ideas for more Jason and Jaybin stuff that you want me to write, lmk and I’ll get to it eventually because I love them

[nexusofbirds]

Jason is in college and is working on an assignment

Jason, reading out a question to himself: What do the landscapes represent in the short story we covered in class? That’s easy. Unresolved trauma and grief.

Jason, continuing to read the next question: What landscapes do you carry? Explain.

Jason: …

Jason: No fucking way I’m about to have to write an essay about being beaten by the Joker with a crowbar and then blown up.

[nexusofbirds]

Damian messing with the Bats because I think he would, ft. Jon as his occasional accomplice

—

Jason: Damian, come grocery shopping with me and Dick.

Damian: No.

Jason: That wasn’t a question. You’re coming.

Damian: You can’t tell me what to do. You aren’t Father.

Jason: But I’m taller than you, and the tallest person has authority.

Damian: Why in any world would that be how that works?

Jason: I don’t know, that’s just how we do things here. Ask Cass.

Cass, across the room: It’s true. Tallest has the most authority. Bruce made the rule when Dick was Robin, and it stuck.

Damian, angry because he respects Cass: Fine! I will accompany you to the grocery store.

Later, Damian, Jason, and Dick are at the store, and Damian is still angry about it

Dick, sighing: Damian, why did you come if you were going to be so grumpy the whole time?

Damian, glaring at Jason: Fee-fi-fo-fum used the tallest-has-authority rule.

Dick, gasping: He almost never uses that rule!

Jason: The fuck did you just call me?

Damian: Fee-fi-fo-fum. I thought it was fitting.

Dick, snorting: Why?

Damian: Well, it’s from a nursery rhyme about a big, violent, and stupid giant.

Jason: Oh, I see, you think you’re funny.

Damian: Yes, very.

Jason: Let’s see how funny you are when I start using the tallest-has-authority rule every day.

Damian, narrowing his eyes: You wouldn’t.

Jason: Wouldn’t I?

Damian: You brought this upon yourself.

Damian, yelling in horror, pointing at Jason: Somebody, help! He’s found me and is going to eat me! Help!

Jason, looking around at the people who are starting to look over at them in concern: Haha, no, that’s just my brother!

Damian: It’s a lie! Please, someone!

Jason, whispering: Will you shut up? This is Gotham for fuck’s sake; people are gonna think I’m actually going to kill and eat you.

Damian, ignoring him: Help!

Dick, seeing people walking over: Yeah, I’m not going down with you. Sorry Jay.

Jason: Wha—

Dick tackles Jason to the ground: I’ve got him! It’s okay, everyone, I’ve got him!

Jason: Dick! Get the fuck off of me!

Dick: I’ll take him to the police, no worries, guys!

A few people clap.

Damian, kneeling next to Jason, who’s still pinned to the ground: Remember this, Jason. Remember it.

—

Stephanie ratted Damian out for going on patrol alone when Bruce told him not to

Damian: …

Stephanie, sitting near him, nervous because she knows he knows it’s her fault he’s grounded: …

Damian: Isn’t your favorite color purple, Stephanie?

Stephanie, relieved: Aw, you remembered!

Damian: Interesting. I was just wondering because you’ve been wearing a lot of blue recently.

Stephanie: No I haven’t??

Damian: Come to think of it, I’ve rarely ever seen you in purple.

Stephanie: What about my Spoiler costume? You see me in that all the time.

Damian, widening his eyes: Oh dear.

Stephanie: What?

Damian: Have you ever taken a colorblind test, Stephanie?

Stephanie: No, because I’m not colorblind.

Damian: I don’t know. Do you really think the Spoiler costume is purple?

Steph: Yes? Because it is??

Damian: Hm. Jon!

Jon, appearing next to him: Hey!

Damian: You know Spoiler and the outfit she wears?

Jon: Yes.

Damian, while communicating silently to Jon with his eyes: What color is it?

Jon, squinting at Damian, trying to understand what he wants him to say: Uhm, blue, I think?

Damian, smiling: See, Stephanie?

Stephanie: This is ridiculous. It’s purple!

Jon, understanding now: Why would it be purple? I thought your favorite color was blue. That’s the color you always wear.

Stephanie, running a hand through her hair in stress: Are you guys stupid? Genuine question, because it’s purple. I barely even like most shades of blue!

Damian: That’s very sad.

Jon, nodding: Because you probably can’t even see purple.

Damian: A tragic occurrence considering it’s your so-called favorite color.

Stephanie: I can see purple!

Jason, walking in: We talking about Steph’s colorblindness?

Stephanie, whipping her head toward Jason: Are you in on this?

Jason: Naw, I was just eavesdropping.

Stephanie: I’m not colorblind.

Damian, sharing a sad look with Jon: Okay, Stephanie. If you insist.

Jon, whispering loud enough for Stephanie to hear: You may want to tell Bruce about her colorblindness in case it’s a problem on missions.

Stephanie: I’m actually so done with this. You’re not getting to me! I know what you’re doing!

Stephanie, walking away and taking out her phone to call Barbara: Hey, Babs, I wear purple a lot, right?

—

Damian and Cassandra just sparred, and Damian lost

Damian: I thought you were trained by Lady Shiva, Cassandra.

Cassandra: I was.

Damian: Hm.

Cassandra: What?

Damian: I just wouldn’t have guessed from that performance.

Cassandra: You lost, though.

Damian: Maybe.

Cassandra, irritated: You did because I’m an excellent fighter.

Damian: Did Lady Shiva ever tell you that?

Cassandra, wrapping her fists with new tape: We’re going again.

Damian: Have something to prove?

Cassandra: Quiet. Prepare to fight me.

Duke, watching off to the side: Does irritating Cassandra while sparring with her count as self-harm? Should we tell Bruce?

Tim, eating popcorn: Honestly? Maybe.

—

Tim and Damian are fighting

Tim: You’re being stupid!

Damian: Tt. I’m not the one who thinks I could take over all of Father’s cases while he’s out of town along with continuing to work on my personal projects.

Tim: I’ve done it before. I don’t even know why you care what I do!

Damian, tired of this conversation: Why are you mimicking Kon?

Tim, taken off guard: What?

Damian: Have you been spending a lot of time with him? You’re talking just like him.

Tim, a little horrified at the idea: I don’t know what you mean.

Damian: And your movements, too. They’re very Kon-like.

Tim, who would usually motion with his hands but is now overthinking things, so he crosses his arms instead: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Damian: There! It was your tone.

Tim: What tone?

Damian: Jon!

Jon, immediately flying into the room: What’s up?

Damian: Tim is acting a lot like Kon right now, isn’t he?

Tim: I’m not acting like anyone! I’m just being me.

Jon, nodding: Oh, wow. That was just like him! Your acting has gotten so much better, Tim, good job!

Tim, feeling like he’s going a bit insane: I’m not acting!

Damian: Whatever you say, Drake.

Later, when Tim is alone

Tim, calling Kon: Hey, Kon? I know we were meant to hang out this weekend, but I can’t.

Kon, disappointed: Why?

Tim: I think I’m starting to act like you. I need time alone, a few nights without sleep, and a lot of caffeine. That should fix it.

Kon doesn’t respond for a few seconds.

Tim: Hello? Kon?

Kon, climbing through the window into Tim’s room: Sorry, I needed to tell you to your face that this is hilarious. Do something! Act like me!

Tim, frowning: Telling you was a mistake.

[nexusofbirds]

I LOVE READING ABOUT JAYBIN AND JASON I JUST WANNA LET U KNOW THAT:3

Omg ty, I really appreciate it! I’ll definitely write more of them soon! I was working on a fic for the AU and got about 15k words into it, but I haven’t been writing much recently. Hopefully I’ll get inspiration for it again soon and can finish it

[nexusofbirds]

more of jaybin and jason lying about being father son PLEASEEEEE ITS SO FUNNYYYYYY I'm giggling

Part 3 of Jason and Jaybin

Part 1

—

Jason and Jaybin are about to go meet Cass at the manor

Jason: Okay, listen up, Jay. Cass is very observant, so she will notice if you fuck up and say something too revealing about who you actually are. So what are you going to do?

Jaybin: Not fuck up.

Jason: Good. And if you do?

Jaybin: Gaslight her.

Jason: Perfect. Let’s go.

At the manor

Jason: Yo, Cass!

Cass, nodding to him: Jason. Please show me your potential offspring.

Jason: Jesus, been spending time with Damian lately or something?

Damian, appearing beside Cass: Yes. She enjoys my company greatly.

Cass: I do. Where’s the child?

Jaybin, stepping out from behind Jason: Hello, Aunt Cassandra. Uncle Damian.

Cass, crouching down slightly: Hey, Jay. I’ve heard a lot about you.

Jason: From who?

Cass: Tim.

Jason: Fuck. What did he say?

Cass, covering Jaybin’s ears: Mostly that there’s no way Jay is your son. He wanted me to try to figure out if he’s a clone or something else.

Jason, muttering: I’ll kill him.

Damian: I won’t be participating in researching Jay’s parentage.

Jason, wanting to hug the kid: You won’t?

Damian, shaking his head: I like being an uncle, so I don’t really care what Jay is or who his parents are.

Cass, uncovering Jaybin’s ears: What do you want to do, Jay? Do you have any hobbies?

Jaybin, glancing at Jason, who had told him earlier to pick something Jason hadn’t been into as a kid: Uh… I like robbery.

Cass: Oh! As in researching famous thefts?

Damian: A respectable hobby.

Jaybin: No, I like doing them.

Cass and Damian, looking at Jason: ???

Jason, internally face-palming: Yep, that’s my boy. He just loves robbing things. Banks, sandwich shops, probably the manor today.

Damian: Well… is he good at it?

Jaybin, proudly: Haven’t been caught yet.

Cass, concerned: How did you get into doing robberies, Jay?

Jaybin, darkly: My mother.

Damian: I take it back. I’m very interested in Jay’s parentage. Jason, who was the mother?

Jason, whisper-shouting to Jay: I told you not to mention her!

Dick, spawning into existence: Are we talking about who Jay’s mom is finally?

Jason: No! No one is talking about the mom!

Cass: Apparently, she made Jay commit robberies, and now it’s his hobby.

Dick, frowning: How often are you robbing places, Jay?

Jason, motioning to Jaybin to shut this down: Not often. We’re working on it.

Jaybin: Yes. It’s only a weekly occurrence now, and Dad goes with me to make sure nothing goes wrong.

Cass, Damian, and Dick, staring at Jason: ???

Jason, who’s going to kill Jaybin later: Look, if he was going to do it anyway, I wasn’t going to let him go by himself! I’m being a responsible father!

Dick: I don’t think that’s responsible…

Jason: Well, my first father worked for Two-Face, and my second one dresses up as a bat to punch criminals, and also used to bring me along with him, so I don’t exactly have the best examples to follow, Dick!

Cass: He does have a point.

Damian: At least Jay isn’t going alone now.

Dick: You guys are way too okay with this.

Jaybin: Would it make you feel better if you came with us next time, Uncle Dick?

Dick, thinking: Uh… No? Maybe? Yes? Definitely. I’ll go.

Jason, who’s now going to have to rob a bank or something: Great! That’s fan-fucking-tastic!

—

Jaybin definitely said his hobby is robbery purely to irritate Jason btw

Part 4

[nexusofbirds]

Part 3 of Jason lying about Batfamily members to Damian

Part 1

—

Dick is talking to Jason and Damian

Dick: So then, Koriand’r told me that Wally had said…

Damian takes out a dog training clicker and clicks it.

Dick: At that point, Raven came in, and Kori was like, thank goodness, someone who’ll be on my side…

Damian clicks the dog training clicker again, and Dick keeps talking.

Damian, interrupting Dick: Jason, this isn’t working.

Jason, who was only half paying attention: What?

Damian: The dog clicker. It’s not working.

Dick: Why do you have that?

Damian: Jason told me that Father trained you to stop talking when it was clicked.

Dick, narrowing his eyes: Jason did what?

Jason, equally confused: When did I say that?

Damian: It was with the League. Ra’s got mad at you because you wouldn’t stop talking to me during my lessons, and later you told me that you were glad he didn’t know about the clicker. I asked what the clicker was, and you said that Father used one to train Richard to stop talking, and later did the same with you.

Jason, laughing: I did say that, didn’t I?

Dick, face-palming: Not again. Damian, Jason lied. Bruce never—

Damian clicks the clicker again, causing Dick to pause.

Damian: Look, Richard. It’s working now.

Dick: It’s not working, I was just surpri—

Damian, after clicking it and causing Dick to go silent again: You are amazingly easy to train, Richard.

Jason, cackling: Oh my God, I didn’t think it would actually work when I came up with that.

Dick: No. This isn’t working. I just don’t get why he keeps using it!

Damian: Hm. I will have to continue testing it. For science.

Dick: No one is training anyone to stop speaking.

Jason: No, of course not.

Jason, whispering to Damian: How long do you think until you can train him?

Damian, whispering back: Anywhere between two weeks and four months.

Dick: Wait, does this mean you thought Bruce was training us like dogs?

Damian: Of course. Why else do you think I have been so well-behaved? I didn’t want to experience the clicker or the shock collar.

Dick: THE SHOCK COLLAR? JASON??

Jason, laughing again: Forgot I said that, too.

Damian, not seeing Bruce walking in behind him: So Father will not put a shock collar on me if I fail to listen?

Jason, seeing Bruce, smiling: Well, there’s no guarantee.

Bruce: WHAT?

—

Bruce then had a long conversation with the entire Batfamily to make sure they all knew he would never use a shock collar on them to get them to listen to him. This only succeeded in everyone joking that Bruce was going to get the shock collar out when they did something he would disapprove of.

Part 4