my phantasmagoria

mind, me, minefield - same

[maxdenningsss]

friday office phone call

So last Friday, I heard you again.

It wasn't exactly monumental or anything. Maybe I was shaken a bit. I have to admit I sounded retarded answering the question of your office mate (did you asked her to call our office for you?? because I can actually hear you in the background skskskajks) so yeah I was shaken.

But its all good. I had to stop for a moment after that office phone call to think hard if it was really your voice and I am 70% positive.

Its all good. I just imagined hundred scenarios and ways in my head how the phone call should have ended. I kinda want to know how you are honestly.

So yes I think its safe to say I spent this weekend having all these thoughts.

I hope you are fine. I'm not so good right now but its not you anymore. I hope I get to know how you have been these years. Not for anything but just for plain knowing.

Sooo what I'm trying to say is wag niyo tanggapin bid nila, palpak yang bidder na yan at kamusta ka na? :)

[maxdenningsss]

"Sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting for something that will never happen," he said.

"Like I'm just existing from day to day but will never really matter. I get up in the morning because I have to, because I have to do something or I'm just wasting space, or because if I don't answer the phone my dad will be alone. But it's an effort, it takes work.

I have to tell myself, every day, get up. Get up, do this, move like this, talk to people, be normal, try to be social, be nice, be patient. On the inside I just feel like, I don't know, nothing. Like I'm just an algorithm that someone put in place.”

Excerpt from Alone With You in the Ether, Olivie Blake

[maxdenningsss]

Tanung ko lang, bibili ka ba ng damit na ipapa-repair mo pa?

Kapag ba bumili ka ng bagong damit pumipili ka ba ng ipaparepair mo pa?

Sige sabihin na nating, last stock na kasi tska sobrang ganda ng style. Gustong gusto mo talaga, ang ganda e. E may problema nga, apparently, hindi sayo kasya.

Sige sabihin na nating, ikaw yung isa sa mga taong sasagot ng oo dun sa tanung ko sa itaas. Given the situation na last stock na kasi, so oo binili mo nga kasi marerepair pa naman.

You were so delighted kasi you just bought yourself a new tee. Or jeans. Or whatever. Basta damit.

Edi, pinarepair mo na.

Magbabayad ka ng magkano? Para iparepair mo yung damit mo with the hopes and excitement na oh god this will gonna look good on me blah blah gaddamit bulshit. Effort pare. Pero anu naman? Maaayus naman e, ‘di ba?

Edi kaching tapos na. Gawa na. Narepair na. Siguro after 2 days, 2 months, 2 years. Joke mga 2 days lang. Damit lang naman yung irerepair.

Edi isinukat mo na din. Kaching! Ang masaklap sablay ang pagkakarepair. Hindi pa din perfect fit. Masyadong masikip, or maluwag, or ewan ko kung anung magic ang ginawa ng sastre pero hindi nagfit.

Nagdiet ka para maisuot mo yung damit. Hindi mo naman sinukuan agad. Nagamit mo naman siguro minsan.

Napadaan ka sa isang bagong mall. Yung gusto mong damit kagayang kagaya nung gusto mong style, sakto may size mo din. Edi since sagana ka binili mo ulit. Ang saya saya mo kasi sa wakas ung gusto mong damit pwede mo na maisuot araw araw.

Tapos ung damit na pinarepair mo nagend up sa closet. Paano naman sya? Paano na yung purpose nya? Hindi na niya magagawa kasi binago mo na, itinago mo pa at binalewala. Pero sinubukan mo naman di ba? Nageffort ka pa nga. Sinabe ba sayo ng damit na gawin mo yun? Paano naman yung tao na sana magsusuot sknya at para sknya perfect fit yung damit edi wala na hindi na siya nakita kasi gahaman ka. Or impulsive buyer ka.

Di bale baka sakali maisipan mo ipaukay ukay yung damit na pinarepair mo o kaya naman ipa-goodwill mo. Naks, america pala. Baka doon may makakita sa damit at magkapurpose na din siya.

Sana magets mo. Pero, tungkol lang talaga ito sa damit.

Ayun, so bibili ka pa ba ng ipaparepair mo pa?

[maxdenningsss]

Ano kayang iniisip ko nung mga panahon na to? Deh I know exactly kung ano

[maxdenningsss]

Hirap mag-counsel ng co-employee.

Bilang I am in the position na kung nasaan ako ngayon na ayaw ko sabihin (lol), how can I say to another person to do this and that if ako nga mismo I can’t help myself.

One year since nagstart magWFH while pandemic, I transitioned to phases just like everybody else.

First, at the start, I am still motivated to deliver and do things efficiently of what is expected of me so even 1:00am na or even weekends, I still work and for the love of me I swear at first it was okay. I like to so I did.

But then I think it was 4 months or so when I started to feel anxious by the sound of notifs that I was scared of touching my phone to check. At that time I thought every email, concern, message, is important so as much as possible I respond. I want to help. Work man or hindi.

Then, I got tired. I resorted to put my phone in airplane mode so wala na ako mabasang anything or no one can reach me kapag beyond office hours na — so I’m not compelled to open my laptop to work.

It’s been a year, hindi na ako nagaairplane mode but I see to it that after 8hours of WFH I disallow any notifs coming from my work apps. I still work late sometimes but only if life and death or if for greater good na lang.

So far, wala pa naman namatay. Wala pa naman nalugi. So it’s okay.

But again, it’s okay for me, I can’t suggest the same to my co-employees kasi it is not what the company wants for its employees. Lalo na its not what the company expects for someone like me to advocate hehe

I can’t suggest the same coz what works for me, what I think is okay might not be okay for somebody else. My closest among my workmates knows what I do to maintain my sanity while working from home. Alam nila how I cope up. And some of them they do what I do because okay din yun sa kanila. Some naman have their own ways din to cope.

So mahirap. Kasi the truth is, sa panahong ito, you can only help yourself.

See: PH government 2021 charot

So in the end, I just listen. And hope that they can also figure out what is beneficial for them.

Wala lang feel ko lang magdiary today. 🙃

[maxdenningsss]

Give back my Halloweens and Christmases. All these years passed and I thought I am successfully getting them back but here you are, after 3 yrs, robbing them again. What sin am I paying for, Lord? All I want in life is some peace.

[suffersdoodles]

Disclaimer: this probably isn’t a very good recipe but it’s mine. Also, details of the recipe can be found in the tapas link below (if you wanna try it).

⭐’s Diary 

[maxdenningsss]

So I stumbled upon Owl City — specifically Owl City’s Fireflies on YT and I just can’t believe that was 10 years ago??

People in the comment section are talking about childhood and memories associated with the song. It is indeed nostalgic in every sense. Again, I can’t believe that was 10 years ago.

Just like everyone else, I also associate happy easier times and memories — innocent memories with the song. Not my childhood but you know, I was still pretty innocent that time.

My favorite college first date. My favorite first college love. My only first year of college. Avatar was on theatre’s Now Showing (?) Eating ice cream while sitting along Session Road’s sidewalk. Introduced to OMG and Puso ng Baguio. Side glances during lectures. Him waiting outside the classroom after class. Me picking up my pace walking just to actually walk with him home. Embarassing classroom presentations with him. Admiring his brilliance while reciting and drawing for an activity.

I miss a lot of things that happened then. And as much as how magically bright and shiny the whole song sounds, it makes me feel weepy and regretful and just sad all at the same time.

I’ve been looking for emotional movies to watch all weekend since I have this feeling that I just need to unload. Nasa Fireflies lang naman pala.

[maxdenningsss]

I just want you to know I miss you. No what ifs, just I have this feeling and I want you to know.

[7mangoes]

forgive me father for I am back on my bullshit

[wizdomly]

Whoever brings you the most peace, should get the most time.

via @wizdomly (via wizdomly)

That is why

[paw-zan-deactivated20200330]

Ang Kwento Nating Dalawa

[maxdenningsss]

Anu baaa anu naaaa

[ang-aking-syntax]

Magmura sa sariling balarila.

[maxdenningsss]

I really want to learn the baybayin. Is it called baybayin? I think so. So yun

[cmsg-writes]

Instead, I said “it’s okay,” which was the opposite of what I meant. I meant, “it’s not okay.” I meant, “why?” I meant, “please don’t leave me.” I meant, “I have loved you for five years.”

Sarah Kay, Table Games (via cmsg-writes)

Reblogging this because masakit ang gabi

[maxdenningsss]

Today 080817

○ One of my best friends got engaged today. I wasn’t there to witness it since I am in Manila and she’s living in Baguio. But since my bf and I broke up I made a commitment to myself to be updated with all types of important and or nonsensical things that is or are happening on my bestfriends’ lives (things I should have done even before pa sana, but yeah). I am genuinely happy about her upcoming wedding and the baby coming on its way. Its just that it made me think, what if it will be YOU who will get married and who is waiting to have his first born. Coz that should be me sabi ni JB. Kidding aside, ang sakit. Thus, Hurtful ThingKing number one.

○ Another bestfriend of mine is having this dead on the inside phase just like me (trending kasi, or maybe not). He said his mom called and told him that she had a dream being with my friend (his son) on a place full of flowers. He’s living in Baguio also and his mom in Cagayan. Interpretation No.1, “baka dahil sa kabaklaan ko lang”. Interpretation No.2, “flowers teh, death ang meaning nun sakanila. Pati nanay ko ramdam na nya”. Sometimes, I am having thoughts of wanting to be dead but not on the extent of suicide. I know my bestfriend’s thoughts are the same coz we had a conversation about this one time. It takes a lot of courage to end one’s life, and we are chicken scared as fuck. But the thought, the Hurtful ThingKing number 2, made me tear up. I don’t want to lose anyone. Not again.

○ I miss my Dad. We do not have a particularly open relationship but I love him. To my bones. To my blood. And I miss him. My Dad’s a cancer victim. My family’s a cancer victim. It was years ago but sometimes it still hurts, a lot. Hurtful Thingking number 3.

○ I recently resigned from my job to prioritize the upcoming Boards for Psychometrician. (Yup, psych major reprezent) However, I just cant focus. And instead of finishing that 100 items questionnaire I am here enhancing my written (semi)english comm skills. And to vent. Thinking that what if di ako makapasa? It will be the last thread, di ko kakakayanin. Hurtful Thingking number 4. (actually, I am aiming more of the Top slots. So goodluck talaga)

○ Lastly, bakit hindi mo ako tinulungan makaahon sa ganitong estado ng pagiisip bago mo man lang ako tuluyan iniwan? Bakit ganun mo lang ako kadaling sukuan? And other Hurtful ThingKing number di ko na mabilang

soo..i have a friend who’s getting married and there’s a baby coming on its way, i am already part of the workforce of the ph, but i am yet to take up the boards. from scale of me to 10, how are keeping your life together?

mariaestepania, 2017

[studylustre]

things i love: dried flowers, seoul’s cafes + dean’s half moon 🌙 ig: studylustre

[maxdenningsss]

Telegram us

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

Nobody wants to hear this, but sometimes the person you want the most is the person you’re best without.

Unknown (via planetahmane)

You and me. That's why we're not meant to be.