Guess who got promoted to third year med? This giiiirrrllll!!!!

if i look back, i am lost

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@cmsg-writes
Guess who got promoted to third year med? This giiiirrrllll!!!!
❤️
I've always enjoyed daydreaming about alternate realities.
Like how my day would've been if I were more careful not to spill my coffee. Or how my week would've gone if I only bought that thing that I really liked. Some might say this is my regret talking, but I find it a healthy habit of mine to think about all the what-would've-beens.
I've always enjoyed daydreaming about alternate realities.
Like how my life would've been if only I asked him why he suddenly left, Or if he never left at all. Or if I chose to stay instead of running away. Or if I said yes to things I was afraid of trying. Or if I decided to go against the things I regret now.
But the more I think about the alternate realities, the more I appreciate the reality that I am in now. Sure, this isn't the fairytale I've always dreamed of, but I'm here. There's nothing else I want to do to give up whatever it is that I have now for the uncertainty of another me, of another mess of reality.
- c.g.
Gratitude Journal | 2018
I am well aware that I’ve been slacking off on my blogging duties for the year 2018, and as I am currently feeling a little under the weather, I’d like to give myself some credit for the things I did and the things that happened this 2018. The year has been one heck of a ride, and I never thought I’d survive it in one piece but here I am now.
I'll try to write as much as I can, and will try to remember as many milestones as I could, so forgive me if this blog post is a bit lengthy.
disclaimer: I am in no way trying to brag about anything.
January 2018
Welcomed the year with my family, drank a whole bottle of wine by myself (I don’t know if that’s something I should be proud of but I didn’t know I was capable of doing that so...). I don't think I should put this here because that's a sad memory lol but hey it's still memorable.
Michael asked if we could be "official" and I said yes. It wasn't anything special, there were no surprises. I think we both knew what the answer would be even before the question. It was a Sunday, the same date when he asked if he could court me, and we just finished going to church and was on our way to eat dinner when he asked the question. It was simple, but to us, it was everything.
February-May 2018
There wasn't a lot going on during these months. I was basically at a routine where I'd go to school then head straight to my dorm to study and sleep. I had a lot of mental breakdowns, but thankfully I had supportive groupmates who were very understanding of what I'm going through.
There were moments, however, where I got to sneak in a bit of time to spend with my college best friends, and was able to reminisce about the good old days.
I've always had a problem with trying to fit in (even until now), but sometimes, when I'm at my best mood, I would think that the people who I'm with and the place I'm at is where I actually belong.
Spent the last few weeks of classes staying out late watching anime at a local internet cafe with Michael. It was good.
I barely survived med school emotionally, but I made it through first year.
June 2018
My dad went home for his vacation, spent a few days cramming and planning on how to spend his few days with us. Drove to Ilocos, and found myself at peace with the unknown.
Finally owned a Fujifilm mirrorless camera as an advance present for my birthday.
July 2018
Cut my hair short again, felt happier.
Was finally able to meet with Michael's family. Was it scary? Yes. I feared that they wouldn't like me because I'm not very talkative in person, but it went well. I do hope I made a good impression.
It's my birthday month, and also our school vacation so I spent a lot of time meeting up with old friends and going out to eat. I also accepted the challenge of eating unli samgyupsal three days in a row. Got sick after, but it was worth it.
August-September 2018
I'm finally at my second year. The horrors of my experience during first year still haunt me but I'm trying to live with it.
Became part of a new group, and grew close to them (although there are times when they stress me out, but that's okay. Not everyone is going to keep up with the expectations I have of others.)
Started going paperless. Used the iPad mini my college gave me as a reward(?) for topping the board exam, and I am proud that I pulled that off flawlessly.
Learned a lot, and I realized, once again, that there is still a lot I don't know, and I am excited to learn more.
Started saving money, since I wasn't able to save much during my first year.
October 2018
There were still countless emotional breakdowns, and I feel like I don't deserve to be a doctor because I'm weak-hearted. But I was able to find new friends, was able to speak up for things I think is right. I'm still shy, but I feel more confident now than during first year.
After saving money, I was finally able to buy myself a new phone.
November-December 2018
Had a rough -ber season, which is not unusual for me, but it felt like it was the roughest I've experienced.
Got called to the guidance office because apparently, according to the test I've taken, I'm at high risk of having suicidal tendencies and I need to seek professional help. I was able to address this concern to my parents and they were very supportive. It was shocking, because I always thought they would never understand, but they urged me that if I needed professional help, they would support me. I haven't been able to talk to a psychiatrist yet, though.
Got a new iPad and Apple Pencil for Christmas, and it helped me heaps during discussions and while studying.
Michael bought me a hamster as a Christmas present, because he felt like I needed that so I could feel less sad. I won't say having a hamster helped me be happier, but helped lessen the sadness I have. Is that the same thing? Hehe.
This ended up to be both a gratitude journal and a life update, lol. I'm hoping 2019 will be a better year for me, because I really want to feel okay. I will also try to be more active in writing, hopefully med school won't demand all my time for studying and emotional breakdowns.
Kamusta?
Hello! I'm okay, but that seems like the dullest answer considering that a lot has been going on in my life recently. Ikaw, kamusta? ☺️
Today's dilemma: to either study for my microbio evals on monday, or to rest so I could feel better (I've been sick due to the changing weathers apparently).
Life Update: second year med
Two weeks in med school and I'm already feeling its difficulty. We have 12 subjects for the whole year, 8 for the first semester and then adding the last 4 subjects for the second semester. It's hard, but this year is when we'd finally get to know the "real deal" about being a doctor — the "core" as what my professors call it. So I'm a bit excited as well.
This school year is definitely the hardest and the most expensive year in medicine (don't take my word on this haha) but so far I've spent a little less than ₱10,000 just for lab manuals and physical diagnosis materials, not including the stethoscope which my dad bought for me overseas. That's a LOT if you'd ask me, but maybe some of my rich classmates aren't bothered by that.
We've also started meeting up with our mentors, who we will be working with until we graduate and become full-fledged doctors. I think it's such a coincidence that as I was ready to doubt whether I really want to become a doctor, the mentor I'll be working with is a cardiologist, which is a specialization I also want to pursue. It's like fate saying, "don't give up, the best is yet to come."
I've also met my new groupmates, and so far, they've all been nice to me. I half-volunteered and was half-assigned to be the leader of my group, and even when I'm pretty awkward and anxious to talk with others about my ideas, they've been very supportive of me and I hope this will blossom into a fruitful professional and personal relationship with them. Not saying this group's better than the last group I had during first year, but there's definitely going to be less drama this year for our group and if there would be, the one who's gonna be responsible for that drama would be me hahaha.
I'd want to share my experiences so far with the subjects I'm already taking, but maybe it's still too early to decide whether a subject is going to fuck me up, so I'm going to share that once I'm entirely sure hahaha. But this one's for sure, this year is going to be tough, and I'm not being negative as I'm saying that.
I'm still testing out the waters, hopefully the fishes won't bite me.
hello. i really wanted to post this on IGTV (hence the ratio lol) but got really conscious about it but i don’t want to waste my efforts so i’m posting this here instead.
update: i ended up posting this on my ig stories lol
Happy birthday to me~
Today's my 22nd birthday! We're also officially enrolled! Second year med let's go!
“Friendship isn’t about who you’ve known the longest. It’s about who walked into your life, said “I’m here for you”, and proved it.” — Anonymous
We’re Best friends (And yes it’s totally okay and normal for a man and a woman to be best friends)
[Origin Story-ish] The year 2012 was the year we took our first steps as college students. At first we were just mere classmates, no connection whatsoever, we hung out with different peer groups. As time passed, everybody eventually became a bit more comfortable around each other, in one afternoon just hanging around a room waiting for class to start things just started clicking, we were laughing about very weird, very unusual things and that’s how our friendship started, or so I recall.
She is an amazing person; you can trust her to always have your back, she’ll always be honest with you. She’ll support you in whatever you do. And its proven and tested by yours truly. She’s one of the few people in this life that I intend to keep.
Though these days we may not see each other in person as much but all the songs, movies, memes (especially memes), clips, advice, and even small conversations we share through the net makes up for all of that.
Bro, I can’t really say thank you enough for everything, even handling the “I can’t get over her” phase of my life. Thank you for all the support, the laughs, the experiences, the memories, especially every moment we spent together. I appreciate everything you do! Thank you!
Also It’s your birthday so…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! HERE’S TO MORE YEARS OF HAPPINESS! More power to you and I wish you good luck for the coming years!
@cmsg-writes
AAAAAHHHH THANK YOU BRO! I am literally out of words. Thank you for being one of my constants ever since! No matter who we were with at the moment I never felt that our friendship faltered.
Also, here's to more years of friendship with you!!! Cheers!!
I know I said I’d try to make this month positive. I’ve ended up on this shithole.
I don’t blame anyone, I know personally that I’m a mess of a person. So breaking peoples hearts and making them cry is not new to me.
But boi does it hurt so bad when your mom is involved.
So I don’t blame her if she says hurtful things to me, because I deserve it. I probably get a special place in hell for being such a bad child. But it still hurts, because after all it’s her opinion that means most to me. And her telling me that I’m such a bad child and that I haven’t done anything good in my life but to be a burden just makes me wish that I was dead. Because I know full well that I am that kind of person, but to hear it from other people gives it a new kind of pain. Honestly, what have I achieved in this stupid life of mine? None, right? I haven’t done anything to make my parents happy, I haven’t done anything to help them in any way. I only have this big ass dream to become a doctor, and that makes my burden on them so much worse. Because at 22, who am I but a nobody with nothing to be proud of?
Wouldn’t it be better if I just die?
...but that’s funny because my mom specifically told me that I should go cry and scare them that I would kill myself. See? Everything I say just goes back to me. I opened up to her and told her I wanted to get myself checked two years ago because I had thoughts on taking my own life and now my mom just uses it against me?
That’s really funny, right? Because its been two years and I’m still suicidal as fuck.
To hell with this life. Why won’t any demon take me away to get this over with.
I’m so happy I got to meet your family. I love you more than words can explain.
Looking Back: Life as a First Year Med Student
I know majority of my posts related to my journey to medicine is depressing to say the least, but I would still credit it for all the ups I've experienced (though there aren't a lot, lol).
Being a first year in medicine made me realize one thing: that there's still a lot I need to learn and relearn.
The schedule was pretty taxing, especially when nearing the end of the semester. There were countless sleepless nights, countless cups of coffees, and neverending bouts of reading and trying to comprehend lessons given just a day ago. It was really tiring, but I'm thankful for the people I was given the chance to work with during the semester. It was stressful at times, but I'm happy they made my first year a bit more bearable for me.
I have grown to know myself better, especially study-wise. I have learned that I could still study better alone, and that the various med-related posts about studying in a group to study better still doesn't work for me. I have learned my weaknesses, and I will be working on them to make them my strengths.
I have lost people along the way, and there are times when I'm scared I might be completely alone by the end of this journey, but I'm trying to be positive about this. Maybe people leave because their part is fulfilled in our lives, and maybe there's a better chapter that's coming.
I sincerely hope my second year will be a better chapter, and I don't want to jinx it.
06-10-2018 : Ilocos Trip (day 3)
Pagudpud, Ilocos Norte
For our last day, we slept at a resort at Pagudpud because we wanted to go to the beach but the weather was really acting up so we didn't enjoy the beach that much.
Before heading home, we decided to go back to Vigan to buy some more souvenirs.
06-09-2018 : Ilocos Trip (day 2)
Ilocos Norte
We hit the road once again for our second day. It was rainy and I was worried we would cancel majority of our plans but thankfully the rain subsided and we were able to visit Paoay Church, Cape Bojeador Lighthouse, Kapurpurawan Rock Formation and the famous Bangui Windmills.
Since it was rainy, we weren't able to visit the Paoay Sand Dunes so i guess I'll save that for another trip to Ilocos.
PS: The winds were so strong when we were at Cape Bojeador I was literally blown away, leaving me with a bruise on my knee. What an experience, indeed.
06-08-2018 : Ilocos Trip (day 1)
Vigan, Ilocos Sur
I've always wanted to visit Ilocos since god-knows-when, so for this vacation, my family decided to pack our bags and leave for Ilocos.
Weeks prior, I was busy planning where to go and where to sleep for our three-day trip. There were minor tweaks here and there during the trip itself but I'm really happy it did go as planned, and my family enjoyed our mini getaway.
We left the house the night before and we used our own car for the entirety of the trip. My dad was the one driving, and I'm so grateful because - heck, who would want to drive for 8 hours?
Since we left the night before, we got to our hotel pretty early and had the chance to rest for a while. After resting, we went to Vigan's town proper and ate our lunch there. We also went to the famous Calle Crisologo, took a lot of pictures, and bought some souvenirs. The weather was good that day. After visiting the town proper, we went to Pagburnayan to try pottery making. It was scary at first, but nonetheless fun.
It was still too early to wait for the dancing fountain show at Plaza Salcedo so we decided to go back to our hotel to rest and freshen up. We then went to the plaza to enjoy the show.
Before going home, we decided to try out the town's famous empanada and enjoyed every bit of it. I'm craving for it as I'm writing this.