Tired But in a Sexy Way @maztermo - Tumblr Blog

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Kinda rude that the morning after watching The Backrooms, I show up to work to no music playing in what is a mostly empty maze of a warehouse.

#never thought I’d be missing The Man by The Killers #but dammit no music is so much worse than bad or mediocre music

mevil

spongedyke-deactivated20221017

scifiseries

edgar-allan-possum

toshio

Tell me why I'm sending back and forth emails with my current employer asking which name is my 'preferred' name and which is my legal one when they are the same name and have been for the past 4 years.

Like asking to change my superannuation 'preferred' name so that it reflects the employer's documents as if the process of getting my name changed on the superannuation website was just so fucking easy the first time and didn't require like 3 forms of ID to prove that I am serious about changing my name! The fucking gall to insist that my deadname is somehow more legal than my legally changed name and that everything needs to bend around it is just!!!!!! So Fun!!

#I like my job but the bureaucracy of it and the multiple fuckups they've had regarding my name has been less than good #like within the first few weeks of work they outed my deadname to my coworkers assigned me the wrong name on my email in the wrong order #(last name-first name when it should have been first name-last name so double fuckup there)#and now this??#I'm going to be so sad if they make my boss redundant she was one of the only people fighting to get my name properly recognised #at least they've updated her name on the rosters so that was nice of them #just. not mad at the lady asking for my ID and all that but very frustrated.

godblessthesickos

World historical loser

drwiltz-official

why does the people and resources manager at my job want to call me it’s my day off I’m literally too cute to be this stressed out #idahobit

I often tell this as a funny story but it is a little fucked up in retrospect. When I was seeing my second therapist— I was in high school and she had just graduated university and was a fairly new practitioner— I wrote down and told her about a distressing dream I’d had wherein I’d committed suicide by stabbing myself in my bedroom and nobody in my family noticed until long after I’d bled out and gone cold.

She took this information and asked if I wanted to be in the room when she talked to my mother waiting outside. I declined, and I am unsure why to be honest. Maybe it embarrassed me to be talked about and I preferred not to hear it. The therapist told my mother about the dream and said it would be safer for me to not see or be exposed to the knives in the kitchen since they were specifically present in my dream. Mum took her at her word and hid all the knives save for the cutlery, the truly blunt and harmless butterknives.

The humorous part of this story is that nobody had told my father about this arrangement. So when he was in charge of preparing meats for dinner about two days after the appointment, he could not find any of the previously available tools at his disposal and cried out “Where are all the fucking knives?!” which earned him some intense shushing from my mother.

Now I’ve had some time to think and it’s made me realise that this therapist, this young and inexperienced graduate, had far too much say when it came to my autonomy. Had she been even more vigilant about reporting suicidal ideation, I could have been in a much worse and less funny situation because I confessed to someone I trusted that I had been experiencing thoughts I did not want to have.

Do you know what that does to a teenager? To a child? To an adult? To have your autonomy threatened and removed from you because you got too comfortable expressing your feelings and thoughts? To be told in no uncertain terms that your thoughts, even ones that you explicitly state disturb you and you want nothing to do with, are indicative of your true self in some way? And what if I’d said I had a distressing dream about hurting others? Did that make me less deserving of freedom? A right to my own body? Are my limbs merely vessels to express violent thoughts that I have not once utilised but nevertheless must be bound for my safety? When do I get to make dinner again?

I think about my second therapist sometimes and wonder if she did this with her other clients, or if they were smarter than me and kept their mouths shut.

#tw suicidality #tw therapy #ask to tag #been reading anti-psych posts and thinking about this moment #thinking about what I could have been if I wasn’t so convinced I was inherently evil and trying to avoid or ignore this apparent truth #thinking about what would have happened if I was institutionalised and how much harder it would have been to keep living after that #nobody deserves this treatment.

in-a-mellow-tone

pyrrhuria

i dont knowwwwww

b0nkcreat

i'm your only friend (realizes that's statistically unlikely) i'm not your only friend (considers my positive qualities) but i'm a little glowing friend (suddenly gets cold feet) but really i'm not actually your friend (remembers to be confident in relationships) but i am

Turns out that I am unable to withstand a serving of spaghetti bolognese with added chilli flakes but this was only learned after shovelling it into my mouth until I began to sob from the pain. Mistakes were made.

#no white boy no

harsh-noise

I’m not saying that it would make me a better or happier person if I could erase Warren’s ‘Ordinary’ from existence and memory but I am saying that never knowing about or hearing it again wouldn’t make me any worse.

new circle of hell just dropped

#it’s like… Chinese corporate rap??#to be clear it’s the corporate rap part I have a problem with #it sounds not good and it might even sound worse if I knew what the words were

maztermo

drug that makes you want to kill or die (testosterone)

maztermo

Okay so it turns out the problem was actually doing two jobs and university and HRT and not just the HRT alone lol drop out of school

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