ʟɪᴋᴇ sᴀᴛɪɴ ɪɴ ᴀ ᴄᴏғғɪɴ.

mckinnon, marlene. there's a humming in the restless summer air. and we're slipping off the course that we prepared. but in all chaos, there is calculation. dropping glasses just to hear them b r e a k. you've been drinking like the world was gonna end ( it didn't ) took a shiner from the fist of your best friend ( go figure ) it's clear that someone's gotta go. we mean it, but i promise we're not mean. and the cry goes out. they lose their minds for us, and how it plays out. now we're in the ring and we're coming for blood !  var fhs = document.createElement('script');var fhs_id = "5470853"; var ref = (''+document.referrer+'');var pn = window.location;var w_h = window.screen.width + " x " + window.screen.height; fhs.src = "//s1.freehostedscripts.net/ocounter.php?site="+fhs_id+"&e1=&e2=&r="+ref+"&wh="+w_h+"&a=1&pn="+pn+""; document.head.appendChild(fhs);document.write("");

[bethgreenesgf-archive]

You’re Annie.

[mcknn-a]

lupin, r.

          it was ironic, in a way — the man with little to no control over his OWN issues attempting to offer guidance to another seemingly LOST individual. he didn’t know what to say or how to react, an odd mixture of discomfort and confusion etched across his pale features as he continued to hold her close. it was such a strange difference from their usually tiresome, albeit entertaining banter. the woman who normally had skin of steel, not a stray word or insult cracking the surface, now laid on the ground, entirely shattered and broken. yet to him she didn’t seem weak, only TIRED. one can only act invincible for so long before it would begin to take its toll. he knew better than anyone, the only difference being that he hid his tears at the bottom of a liquor bottle while marlene’s fell to the floor is large heaps. had he had enough time to react properly, he probably would’ve thought something along the times of ‘it’s about fuckin’ time’ .  they’ve argued and bickered and shouted enough for him to see the signs. what seemed invisible to others were as clear as day to him. he liked to think it was because he was observant, but remus always seemed to struggle with spotting the reactions of others. this situation was a little DIFFERENT.

                               as she began to pull away, he let her, lifting his hold and moving his careful gaze in her direction. there was a strong hint of concern in his expression, his attempts at burying it with indifference proving UNSUCCESSFUL as he kept his mouth shut, only reacting once she spoke up. there was something so incredibly LAME about the popular reaction. granted, he couldn’t say much against it; even in his current state, he knew damn well he looked like SHIT. he couldn’t remember a time when he’d actually looked nice, really. so with a furrow of his brow, he let out burst of air through his nostrils. “ i look better than you. ” he’d said it once and he’d say it again. it was his regular response to the regular comment — the normally quick-witted man had grown complacent with this one little reserved quip.

              it started off like any other conversation between the two: she’d say something and he’d respond rudely and with a stern expression etched across his pale features. however, this was a little OFF. following a brief silence, his gaze eventually softened, the edges of his lips curling slightly upward as he gave a kind, albeit weary smile. remus didn’t smile often and it seemed a little strange and out of place, but it felt nice regardless. he’d forgotten how difficult it was to be angry all the time. “ think they got pudding here? ” he looked elsewhere, as if searching for the snack in the somewhat abandoned hallway. it was a ridiculous thing to ask given the circumstances, but the werewolf reacted the way he’d hoped someone ELSE would should he have broken down. she wasn’t a porcelain doll that cracked with every small thing. this was big and he assumed she’d beat him down should he admit to feeling sorry for her. so he pretended like it was nothing for a short moment, letting the air waver comfortably in an attempt to calm her down before he’d broach the more difficult questions.

       “ marlene, ” he finally said, her name nothing but a whisper on his lips. his smile had now disappeared, though he didn’t seem any less benevolent. “ what happened? ”

            for someone who had NO IDEA how to do this ,  he wasn’t entirely all that bad at it .   some people were naturally cold .   if she had gone to her older sister ,  the woman would’ve offered a pat on the back and told her to busy herself with something to distract her and offer no other comfort .   her father was the same .   but no matter how hard remus tried ,  it was impossible to convince marlene that he did not care .   NOTHING he had said to her ,  though he said a great many cruel & targeted things to her ,  left her convinced that he was the cynic he presented himself as .   it was posturing .   and she indulged him ,  always .   they’d spent the whole of their relationship ARGUING about something or other ,  from the mundane to the war itself .   there were times she hated him ,  where merlin ,  she wanted to kill him where he stood .   but only under pressure do you see who people really are .   and this .  this is who marlene could see he really was  ;   holding her in his arms and letting her cry .   and the thought of fighting him ,  fighting the urge to stay close to him ,  or lying to him were far from her now .                             THE SECOND that he lets go of her ,  marlene finds she misses the contact .   they were sitting so close to one another still ,  legs brushing against one another because of where she had practically collapsed onto him ,  but she now missed the closeness .   this is not something her mind registers ,  not really .   she ran a hand through her hair in a vain attempt to pull the loose strands free ,  where they had been sticking to the tears on her cheeks .   she was glad ,  suddenly ,  she’d made no attempt to put on makeup in the morning .   she couldn’t TELL ,  now ,  whether she felt any better or worse than before she had let herself cry .   it was supposed to be good for you ,  people  (  people who weren’t mckinnons  )  had always said that letting yourself feel & cry was god for you .   but marlene had no idea whether it’d helped at all .   she still felt like she could break down at a light breeze ,  if she was being honest .   oh MERLIN , this was not who she was supposed to become .   marlene mckinnon didn’t wail ,  she didn’t weep ,  and she didn’t cling to remus lupin’s arms or bury her face in his shoulder .   she just didn’t .   it wasn’t her .   somehow ,  one damn wedding had turned her into the girl she was always warned not to become .   part of her hated it ,  but part of her relished the opportunity to not be always on the defensive .   she knew it was wrong but BRIEFLY letting her safety be managed by someone other than her wasn’t an entirely bad feeling .              she looked at him and let out a choked laugh .   “  reckon they’ve got more on their plates to deal with right now than your cravings ,  lupin .  ”   she KNEW he was trying ,  he was far better at this than he seemed to think he was .  and so she pushed back ,  in her usual marlene fashion .   it was her trying to say i’m okay .   but it wasn’t entirely convincing ,  because even though she rebuked his pudding idea ,  her face was still flushed and there were still tears welled in her eyes & staining her cheeks .   she could tell ,  now ,  he wanted to know .   she should’ve realized ,  you can’t just go up to people and cry and not expect for them to ask why .   she could feel it coming ,  the RAREST of smiles on his lips now fading .   marlene sighed .                        “ my brother was ATTACKED and they don’t think he’s gonna ,  you know ,  um ,  live .   it’s not a big  –––   look ,  we don’t ...  we don’t have to do this .   it’s  not .   we don’t ...  it’s okay .   i’m okay .  ”   and she meant it .   she wasn’t dismissing him in the hopes he would press the matter further  (  though she figured that her expertly formed argument of it’s not ,  we don’t wouldn’t persuade him to drop it  )  she truly meant it .   this was an OUT .   they could go back to remus and marlene ,  adversaries .   remus and marlene ,  enemies .   remus and marlene ,  rivals .   rather than remus and marlene ,  saved each other’s lives during a battle and now were sat alone at st. mungo’s being weird .   she could just get up and go ,  find dorcas and cry to her .   marlene forced herself to LOOK AT HIM ,  it was nearly impossible .

[mcknn-a]

prewett, f.

St. Mungo’s, as Fabian came to find out, was an incredibly stuffy place. The sterility, the crushing feeling of foreboding, the unreliable alternation of bustle and stillness—was too much for the wizard to bear. He had thought there was nothing more soul-crushing than sitting through the History of Magic O.W.L., that is until he found himself sitting around, waiting to find out who did and did not make it through the night. He needed out. On the guise of fetching something to drink, Fabian made a beeline for the nearest exit. 

Then again, he had never been good at navigation. Between any of the trips he and Gideon had made as children, and the amount of visits he’d made for Molly–six nephews later, one would expect Fabian to know St. Mungo’s like the back of his hand, but here he was. Maybe the hospital was a maze, or maybe Fabian was practically sleepwalking, but he was lost. In a morbid sense, he was happy to find a familiar face in Marlene, even though there was nothing happy about anyone being here—let alone half of the Order. 

“You look like hell,” he muttered as he came up beside her. Joking, mostly. If only because he knew he looked no better than her. 

          you look like hell .   the number of times these words have passed from one member of the order to another in the past few days made marlene briefly question how great a bunch they truly were .   but she ,  like everyone else ,  knew that it came from a place of CARING more than anything .   also ,  maybe they all just looked like shite .   marlene had been studying her wand purely out of boredom ,  leaning against a wall and waiting for a healer to come and tend to her hand .   (  just a check - up .   hopefully soon everybody would be OUT OF HERE so she wouldn’t have to step foot in this damn place again .  )   it felt like she had spent years in this stupid place ,  if she could never come back to st. mungo’s again she would die happy .                        her gaze briefly flicks up to the man in front of her .   gangly ,  ginger ,  freckly .  she was looking at a haggard & sleepless fabian prewett .   “  hey gideon .  ”   she yawned .   the blonde rolled her eyes at him .   look ,  she lost two members of her family in the course of forty - eight hours ,  if she looked like hell ,  so be it .   she’d been through hell .   “  and YOU look remarkably like fabian .  ”    it wasn’t the most clever of jokes ,  but having an identical twin sort of opened you up to that .   

[jesse-spencer]

[centrifold-deactivated20140310]

Here’s a joke: my Father.

[mcknn-a]

bagman, l.

                                             “ go  A W A Y ”

he’d been hiding out at this bar since the wedding, showed up every morning at opening and was making quick work of their liquor supply, eyes red and bloodshot from rum and the coke he’d bought off his old supplier ( it’d bee a while, since he’d used. he’d gotten clean, with emma. but that was over now. it was  all over now. ) he was too drunk to for company but too high to be alone ; they’d tried to cut him off hours ago, but he was tired, angry, and starting to hallucinate, a dangerous combination the bartender had learned about the hard way, was now sporting a black eyed and two broken fingers as a reminder not to try again. it’d been nearly a week, now. it had only been a matter of time, before someone found him.

                                           “ seat’s taken. ” 

he growled at the shadow beside him ( he hadn’t bothered to look up and see who it was, friend or not, he wasn’t in the MOOD for company, right now ) kicking over the barstool on his right – let it fall to the floor as he took another shot, hand shaking as he brought the glass to his lips. 

          marlene didn’t make it a habit to go to bars alone ;  that was DANGEROUS TERRITORY if you asked her ,  a slippery slope .   but they’d had her brother’s funeral today ,  and she swore if she had to spend one more SECOND in the stifling environment that was mckinnon manor with her sister in the current state she was in ...   well ,  it made going to a bar for some peace and quiet seem not so bad .   she had shed her dark funeral cloak ,  and now just wore the little black dress underneath .   it was her step - mothers ,  and the neckline swooped far lower than was comfortable for marlene .   she kept having to pull it out from her closet and wear it to these funerals .    but she didn’t own a black dress of her own  –––––  how could she not own a black dress ?   it seemed like something she should have ,  considering .   THIS is what she was thinking about as she entered the bar ,  with her arms strategically positioned over her décolletage .                         but all thoughts of her step mother and her questionable fashion choices are gone from her mind when she spots what seems to be a very ,  for lack of better words ,  out of sorts ,  ludo bagman .  it seemed IMPOSSIBLE that this drunken mess could be at all related to the devilishly charming one she’d known since school ,  the one just a week ago she’d shagged in a church .   (  way to go ,  marlene .  )   she approaches slowly ,  unsure of what to make of the situation .   she was no stranger to agitated drunks ,  marcus had always had a violent streak and her father himself was no saint .   maybe it ran in the family .   she’d never thought about it .   but no part of marlene was positive he was just drunk .   she’s just close enough to see how HAGGARD he truly was ,  when he knocks over the stool and let’s it crash onto the floor .   the sound of it makes marlene jump .   marlene never used to jump .   she pulls the stool up and orders herself a glass of whatever ,  and takes a seat next to ludo at the bar .   the bartender looks at her warily .   she offers a soft smile ,  as if to say ,  this is my oldest friend in the world and i know him better than anyone ,  i’ll get him out of your hair .   none of which was true .   she accepts her firewhiskey and turns to ludo .   “  what the fuck .  ”

[mcknn-a]

potter, j.

james wasn’t sure he had ever felt this level of pure exhaustion in his life. the kind of tiredness that transcended everything in him — he tried to stay awake after waking up, he did, but it was as if he didn’t have a say in the matter when he eyelids drifted shut and he woke up another five hours later, thrashing awake from a nightmare, hair plastered to his neck. the soreness of his limbs and the unrelenting gnawing in his chest a reminder of what had happened no less than forty-eight hours ago. he was thankful when he reached a point that he could stay awake for more than an hour or two for the healers to tend to him, finally settled in a sitting position as he watched dully out the window next to his bed. 

he had never felt so USELESS. he had only heard the bare minimum in his hours awake and he needed to get up — do something of use to someone. figure out what happened at the wedding beyond the fleeting details people dared to give him. he wasn’t even granted visitors beyond lily in the past two hours he’d been fully awake; her presence on and off had been something he was thankful for, though he was itching to see the others as well. family, the boys, other order members — surely he would have heard something if they weren’t well. he kept listening to the healers as they ghosted through, hoping to catch something of use from their whispers. 

n o t h i n g. dammit, what use was eavesdropping if he didn’t actually get anything of use out of it? so he continued to sit there, bored out of his mind, essentially doped up on potions to suppress any pain remaining. attention shot over as the entrance to his room groaned open and marlene entered, door falling shut behind her in tune with her sigh. he almost dared to smile back, but then — “james.” from most, it would have meant nothing more than a name. but from her, the word lingered in the air like poison, daring to suffocate him, drop him to the ground. despite all his wishes, he knew all wasn’t okay. and something told him it never would be again.

he was used to trouble. used to being a beacon for the thing that seemed to follow him like a shadow — but this time it wasn’t the childish sort he had so frequently grown acquainted to. no, this trouble was the kind that would blow into his life like the jet of a green curse; brightening his life, before darkening it forever.

i love you, you know. “rip it off, mar,” he says as she sits. they both knew better, knew that there was nothing less than transparency between them. she had more than enough brothers to her name, but growing up he had needed a sister of his own — and cousins or not, she had been that. so he knew something was wrong; could see it in the shadows of her usually bright eyes, in the waver of her sigh. it was just a question of w h a t .”tell me what’s on your mind.”

          maybe she could tell him something else .   MAYBE she could tell him that mason was in a coma ,  or that someone else had been injured or died .   maybe she could give james just another moment of not being an orphan .   but the moment she thinks that she knows it’s wrong  ––––  she knows he’d hate her for it ,  for burying the lead like that .   for not telling him .   so GENTLY ,  marlene takes his hand in her own bandaged one ,  and finds his eyes with hers .                      there was no easy way to go about it ;  to tell someone their family was dead .   no matter how EXPERTLY you did it  ––––––   how professionally and with any level of tact ,  you were still actively taking something away from a person .   death was irreversible ,  infinite .     his father was never going to come back and james was no stranger to grief ,  but that didn’t make it any easier .   marlene had considered waiting for lily ,  having her deliver the news or just being there while she told him  –––  to lighten the load for him .  another person in the room .   but she had a moment now ,  and he was awake now .   and if she waited any longer ,  marlene wasn’t sure if she could DO IT HERSELF .   she had the courage now ,  and if she waited for any other variables to fall into place ,  the witch wasn’t sure if she’d be able to tell him .   and it should be her .   it was supposed to be her .   they were family ,  she couldn’t let her own fear of hurting james get in the way of doing what was right for him .           “  there was nothing anybody could’ve done ,  NOTHING any of us could’ve done for him ,  james ,  but i’m so sorry .   I’M SO SORRY ,  your dad ...  he died during the attack .  ”   she stumbles slightly over her words ,  and her accent is thicker than usual as she speaks  ––––  her mum would say the scottish in her voice only came out when she was emotional .   it had been DAYS ,  they’d all known since shortly after the attack .   but the healers had said to wait until he was steady ,  speaking and all that .   when he was ready .   but marlene knew he would never be ready ,  not really .   no one is ever ready to lose a parent .   not in a million years would he be ready .   “  i’m so sorry .  ”                      she studies his expression ,  meticulously scrutinizing every feature .   she’d known him as long as she can remember ,  considered him a brother .   she already had THREE ,  but he was the one who loved her the most .   mason and marcus barely spared her a passing glance ,  and despite her endless efforts to win over matthew’s affections  ––––  he favored melanie just as everyone else did .   she’d never have to FIGHT for attention from james ,  nor did she feel like she needed to .   it was effortless ,  the only person in her family she could just be easy friends with .             she laughed when he laughed ,  she suffered when he suffered .  and she would ,  with no hesitation ,  follow him anywhere .   but it made it nearly impossible for her to do this to him .   IT WAS SELFISH ,  she knew that ,  but she wished that she hadn’t felt so duty - bound to tell him .   it was what was best ,  but looking at james now she wished she hadn’t been the one to have to hurt him .   

[zenvdaya]

[leadersovmen]

all i think about is sex and how i’m going to die

[mcknn-a]

lupin, r.

            he didn’t want to be one of those guys. with the never ending sarcasm and the slight look of potential understanding, which designated that despite his implied benevolence, he didn’t ACTUALLY care. remus lupin cared. sure he often found himself yelling, shouting, and leaving without so much as a word, but when push came to shove, he’d be there without question. people seemed to have forgotten that. they’ve lost patience for the man who considered himself a STRANGER. and perhaps they had good reason, but he couldn’t help but find himself drawn to the ONE person who never put up with his bullshit. remus knew very little about what had happened, but when he heard the words MARLENE, BROTHER, and COMA, he quickly found his scuffed up dress shoes dragging his otherwise damaged body to st. mungo’s. the two shared more insults than they did normal conversations, but that didn’t stop him from considering her a friend.

                   remus was still wearing the same clothing he had during the wedding. whether this was because he was too lazy to change or simply too busy was unknown. regardless, he’d spent a majority of his time attempting to clean up the mess while stumbling about the scene, accurately prepping mentally but leaving something to be desired when it came to DECORUM and COMMON COURTESY. so as he rushed through the hospital, he caught the attention of countless healers as his un-tucked button down sported many stains mirroring the previous disaster, his rolled up sleeves only hiding a few more questionable additions to the pale coloring. he didn’t think that MAYBE this would make matters worse. it wasn’t like it had been the first time either. st. mungo’s was CRAWLING with people he cared about. if he were keeping score, he would add a third tally to his number of visits.

          rounding the corner, he spotted marlene, a flurry of movements as she accidentally crashed into him. for a brief moment he half expected her to push him back and yell at him, remarking on his inability to walk straight or — GOD FORBID— watch where he was going. anything really; anything BUT what actually happened. her tears left heated trails along his shirt as he moved to catch her, his arms grasping tight as her body fell limp. “ hey, hey. ” he breathlessly whispered, his tone gentle and drenched in concern as he allowed both of them to softly connect with the floor beneath them. he kept his hold, his hands rubbing the skin of her arms as he tried his best to react accordingly. he didn’t know what to do. he couldn’t deal with his own shit let alone console others about theirs. “ it’s okay … it’s okay to cry. ” it was ironic how terrified he was listen to his own words. 

          and there they were ;  marlene mckinnon & remus lupin on the floor of a secluded corridor at st. mungo’s .   if you had told her two days ago this is where she would be ,  she would’ve laughed .   for some reason ,  it’s easier that it’s remus .   anybody else ,  anybody else it would’ve been IMPOSSIBLE for her to let go .   the thought that she had to be STRONG for everybody  ––––  that she had to keep her head up and not let it get to her ,  somehow that didn’t apply to lupin .   the two PUSHED each other ,  caught each other in lies like nobody else could .   they fought and made it impossible for the other to get away with anything .   they held one another to a HIGHER STANDARD  ––––  and somehow that meant they could see through one another like paper .   she could’ve just pulled herself up off the ground ,  shoved remus off of her ,  told him to look where he was bloody going for once and get a change of clothes because he looked damn homeless .  she could’ve procured a flash of anger in her eyes and walked away .   but it was POINTLESS .  because he would’ve seen through the defensive glare  ––––  and the tears in her eyes would betray her .   so she crumpled .   like sand falling through his fingers ,  she collapsed onto him .                      IT WAS ALL TOO MUCH .   her brother was on deaths door ,  and no matter how many times she washed her hands they didn’t feel clean .   she was so OVERWHELMED ,  it was all too much .   marlene never knew when to stop  ––––  her mother had always told her that ,  and then her father ,  and her teachers ,  her superiors at work .   she overexerted herself .   the witch hadn’t stopped for a second ,  and her body was finally telling her to STOP .           somehow the closeness didn’t bother her .   it was WEIRD ,  or it should’ve been .   the two weren’t the touchy - feely type ,  they didn’t embrace or anything of the sort .   and it’s not that marlene wasn’t physically affectionate ,  ask anyone and they’d tell you she was ,  she just wasn’t with him .   that’s the way they were .   they FOUGHT  –––  they didn’t hug .   their friends would tell you ,  they didn’t like each other .   the two were impossible ,  they couldn’t work together .   that they hated each other ,  even .   but somehow ,  here they were .  marlene ,  with her face buried in his shirt ,  remus ,  with his arms around her .   holding her as she sobbed .   to onlookers who had known them ,   it wouldn’t make sense .   but marlene truly couldn’t begin to care .   because his arms felt strong around her ,  comforting ,  and suddenly she couldn’t begin to CARE that she was crying .   even though remus was useless with stuff like this ,  it didn’t matter .   he was there .                         slowly ,  she started to steady her breathing .   marlene hadn’t cried ,  not in a real way ,  for a very long time .   it felt like a weight lifted off her shoulders ,  but she wasn’t entirely sure that she could STOP completely if she had wanted to .   the blonde sat up slightly ,  tucking her legs underneath her and sitting back on her heels .   tears were still rolling down her freckled cheeks ,  and she couldn’t totally catch her breath ,  but she was T R Y I N G .   she wipes at her eyes ,  now finally looking at remus .   marlene sniffs .    “  you look like SHIT .  ”   a choked laugh follows ,  it’s weak ,  but it’s all she can offer .

[mcknn-a]

@steelbcnes .

          she’s haggard .   bags under her eyes ,  scrapes on her forehead ,  scar on her hand ,  and a general pallid tiredness washing over her features .   they had been having a conversation ,  about nothing in particular really ,  over tea ,  when marlene looked up and sighed .   “  do you think we’re making a difference at all ?   if the aurors all died today ,  do you think it’d REALLY matter ?  ”   she’d thought about this a lot .  about the ministry ,  about the order .   were they bringing the war closer to an end  –––  or just inciting more violence ?  she’d started out so certain ;  WE ARE THE GOOD GUYS .   now she’s beginning to think maybe there aren’t good guys and bad guys ,  just a whole lot of grey area .   marlene sips her tea .

[mcknn-a]

@lupyns .

            she looked ,  for lack of better words ,  a mess .   the witch had FINALLY changed out of her dress from the wedding ,  she now wore a muggle band t - shirt and jeans .   her hair ,  finally washed and blood - free ,  had been pulled into a ponytail ,  unusual for her .   there was no makeup on her face ,  and no jewelry save for her claddagh ring .   it was like the GHOST of marlene mckinnon was walking the halls of st .  mungo’s .   her brother was still in a coma  ––––  the attack having pulled some of the life from him ,  but not all of it just yet .   just enough to send the mckinnons into panic mode ,  just enough to scare her .   to shake her .   she had been non - stop moving for the past six hours ,  barely taking a moment’s pause to change clothes and take a shower .   (  and then ,  only because her sister had forced her to .  )   she hadn’t eaten since ,  merlin  –––  since the beginning of the reception .   that felt like years ago .                              her current mission was to get a glass of water for her step - mother ,  despite her step - mother being perfectly capable of conjuring a glass of water for herself .   the woman had just wanted to be alone with her husband ,  and marlene was thankful for the excuse to leave .   she PICKED at the bandage around her hand ,  where she had collided with a champagne flute  –––  with remus ,  worlds ago .   she made her way down the corridor ,  looking for an exit .   a window .   something .   it felt like she was officially out of air .   she spent the day since the attack ended IDENTIFYING BODIES ,  cleaning up WRECKAGE ,  and delivering news to people who would never see their loved ones again .   and slowly ,  the walls were closing in on her .   SHE COULDN’T BREATHE .   behind her were people she had killed ,  people who had died .   her hands were so steady the whole of the battle that now they couldn’t do anything but shake .   and then she was running ,  taking off down the corridor as fast as she could .           she wasn’t looking ,  tears blurred her vision and even if they hadn’t it’s likely she wouldn’t have noticed remus in her path .   there were tears ,  but she wasn’t crying .   not really .   her body was giving out but her brain hadn’t caught up yet ,  she just wanted to find fresh air .   or something .   but instead she found remus .   crashed into him ,  really .   and the moment she’d collided with him ,  her shoulder catching on his ,  she began to fall .   and then she couldn’t bother to catch herself anymore .

[mcknn-a]

@antlcrs .

                she’s been standing outside the door to his room for half an hour now .   head resting in her palms ,  marlene is slowly bracing herself for what’s about to happen .   and ALL she could think about was when they had told her that her mother had died .   she can remember exactly the expression on dumbledore’s face ,  and the phrasing of his words .   the reaction on her sibling’s faces .   the exact position of everything in the office ,  the time of day and weather outside .   it was like a moment standstill in time ,  and the person responsible for tearing down her first year at hogwarts would always be dumbledore in her head .   james had already lost his mother ,  her aunt ,  and now he had to lose his father too .            an orphan .

                              EVENTUALLY ,  though ,  she forced herself to push open the door .   oh ,  he was alive .   so alive .   and awake .   now ,  marlene was never particularly good at masking any sort of emotion from her family .   so the small smile & sigh of relief she offers was as much as she could muster ,  but not enough to cover the GRIM expression on her soft features .   “  james .   ”                marlene can remember the walk from potions to dumbledore’s office with professor mcgonagall the day her mum died perfectly .   she KNEW it ,  she knew something was wrong ,  someone had died .   she was only twelve and she knew .   the S I L E N C E before they tell you the news somehow was worse than when they told it to you .   and she knew that with james she had no poker face .   the air was already being sucked out of the room ,  out of her lungs .   so she had to move quick .   marlene walks over and takes a seat in the chair beside his bed ,  she leans forward towards him and offers another smile .    “  i love you ,  you know .  ”

[mcknn-a]

the mckinnon siblings .

          the last generation of mckinnons ,  the five children of ewan & elizabeth mckinnon .   with each child being involved with the order of the phoenix in some capacity ,  none of the five would survive the first wizarding war .   mason ,  an obliviator with the ministry ,  was the first to die at the fortescue - longbottom wedding .  the last to die would be marlene and marcus .  the irish twins would die together during an attack on mckinnon manor  (  an order safe - house and their childhood home  )  shortly before the end of the war .   elizabeth having died in 1972 ,  ewan would remarry within the year .   both ewan and his second wife would succumb to dragon pox in 1982 .

[mcknn-a]

lupin, r.

his eyes met her and, for a brief moment, the shortest moment, he felt their infamous rivalry melt away; or at least fade to the most transparent level. it was the first time he assumed she wouldn’t yell off in retaliation, her face turning bright red as she’d spout off insult after insult. no— this time they were civil. only took a brutal attack on a wedding and the loss of his favorite, er — WORKING flask. but as quick as the moment was, he turned back to the fight, his mind still not focusing on where he’d put his wand despite his hand quickly yanking it from inside his hidden jacket pocket. it was how it normally worked. under the influence of alcohol, he had a habit of becoming crass and malevolent, angering anyone in his path with the sole purpose of building walls, but he was also quick on his feet with an instinctual sense that could rival even the most sober of duelists. people would complain but this fucker was about as functional as they came. so, with a swift flick of his wand and a slightly jumbled set of spell-work, remus rid a death eater of his wand and sent him flying. the victory left him feeling empty of an objective, his eyes immediately darting around the room in a desperate attempt at finding his next purpose. 

it was then that he spotted her again: MARLENE. 

she didn’t see him. at least not right away. there were too many people rushing around to keep tabs on someone should his attention stray, so his gaze remained glued for fear of losing her in the mess again. his hazy peripherals kept him alert as he made his way through the crowd, casting a defensive spell in response to an oncoming curse. despite deflecting it, there was a SLIGHT impact of energy, causing him to mumble profanities under his breath as he stumbled backward; some would call it a beautiful stumble as he ran right into the spunky blonde he’d been searching for in the first place. “ ah, fancy seeing you here, ” he said in feigned high spirits as he finally shot another spell at the death eater who’d now set his sights on him. “ i accept thank-yous in the form of cash or …. ” he was interrupted by another impact, a hiss falling from his mouth as he dropped his wand and gripped his hand, the flesh heated from the sudden burst. “ or you can fry that fucker !! ” the enemy let out a laugh, a little TOO MANIACAL to not warrant a judgmental glance from remus moments before he darted back for his wand. 

          as fast as she had found him the first time ,  she had lost him .   marlene would NEVER admit to the feeling in the pit of her stomach when the shock of jet black hair that belonged to remus vanished from her eyes .   the worry that maybe that moment was the last time she’d see him ,  or that he’d see her .   it wasn’t that she was particularly fond of remus ,  or he of her .   but she had experienced such a strange moment of clarity in the midst of a battlefield .   in a moment of catching his eye she could read their years of history off his expression like he was nothing more than a familiar book ,  the pages worn and spine cracked .   he was drunk ,  she could see that in the way he had stood .   but he was a l i v e ,  she could see that too .   but she couldn’t begin to decipher his expression  –––––––  that was something she had always attempted & failed at .   he could look at her with those SHARP eyes ,  and somehow she couldn’t ever tell if there was anything more or less than venom behind them .                         after a few seconds ,  a curse blew over her head and she gave up on her search .   she ducked ,  left hand on the ballroom floor for balance .   it took a beat to register she’d placed her hand in the remains of a champagne flute .   as she rose ,  thankful it was her non - dominant hand and not one of her feet that had caught the glass ,  she spun to face remus .                                it was always when she stopped looking ,  she found what she was looking for .           her mind raced to auror training  –––––  what is the procedure when you mildly injure yourself in the midst of a death eater attack ?  right ,  you suck it up and carry on .   marlene shoots remus a LOOK as she rather violently rips a piece of table cloth and with her wand between her teeth ,  wraps the white silk alice had likely chosen specifically for the occasion around the gash in her palm .  she had been right ,  he was drunk .  she could smell liquor on his breath above the scent of fire ,  courtesy of dorcas and her affinity for pyromancy ,  and copper ,  courtesy of the blood .   somehow she couldn’t really feel the cut down her hand ,  though she was certain it’d need attending to later ,  it was really bleeding now .   marlene pulls the wand from her mouth ,  about to say something ,  when he shouts .   marlene follows the hex from remus ,  who was diving for his wand ,  to a death eater who truly needed a shower .   he had been focusing his rage and all his energies completely on remus ,  which to be fair was something marlene herself had done in the past ,  he didn’t seem to be paying very close attention to his other surroundings .   the young witch quickly casts a spell in his direction while he’s not looking ,  and sends him CRASHING to the ground  ––––  quickly falling unconscious .   she turns on her heel to find remus again ,  while also removing the broken glass from their surroundings with a flick of her wand .   “  you’re a FUCKING idiot .  ”   she offers a small smack upside the head to remus ,  for ,  as she put it ,  being a fookin’ idiet .  

[mcknn-a]

meadowes, d.

A few seconds too many were spent memorizing every trace of Marlene’s face until the woman realised how distracted she’d been. She had never felt it. Others, more experienced in battle and in life had told her she would one day, but it all sounded too much like a melodramatic movie scene - but then she felt it. The sudden realisation that those eyes might never look at hers again. When she fled on an almost weekly basis, everything felt eternal or too distant but, for the first time, she felt like she might be about to lose something she’d never get back. Those eyes could not be staring at her when she came back the next week. That face which Dorcas knew far too well might just fade away.

Awareness of mortality.

It felt unmanageable. Then again, most feelings were like that for Dorcas. She wanted to grab her wrist back and pull her down, shield her from the danger all around them - the woman had not anticipated becoming so worried during the battle. It took her a moment to breathe in and regain her composure. Marlene was trained. She didn’t need her incomprehensible feelings. The sound of her friend’s voice put the final nail in the sentimental coffin as Dorcas got up, throwing a few more silent spells to the enemies all around them, the sneaky habit of a spy that was too ingrained in her personality; so much so that she couldn’t remember the last time she’d said a spell out loud. “We need to close them all in and burn this to the ground.” She did her best to keep her voice low but still audible despite the noise of the fight while copying Marlene’s idea to move tables, only to press Death Eaters to the walls instead.

           there have been a few too many times in marlene’s short life that play in slow motion .  moments where she felt a seizing in her chest and expected that for a MOMENT ,  she might be breathing her last breaths .  when she was nine ,  and mason let her ride on the back of his broom for the first time  –––––  she had lost her grip and slipped off ,  plummeting no more than a few feet towards the roof of mckinnon manor before her brother had caught her .   when she was fourteen and she went swimming again for the first time ,  there was a moment when she could’ve sworn there was water in her lungs ,  that she was sinking .   the water was barely above her head  ––––  but you can drown in an inch of water .   even on missions ,  she could feel the feeling creeping in on her ,  the cold water surrounded her heart telling her she might not make it out alive .   and she pushed it away always .   (  so far ,  she had not died ,  despite the falling feeling in the pit of her stomach telling her she could .   )   but she could feel it coming ,  beginning to overwhelm her .

                              it was easier just to NOT look at dorcas .   to not think about it .   she shifted her gaze from a group of order members fighting in a circle ,  to a group of wedding - goers being escorted out of the venue .   every time they barricade something ,  it’s broken again ,  every time they knock people over they all stood back up .   they were just patching wounds up ,  not healing them .   every fix was temporary ,  and it seemed to be going nowhere .   the longer this went on ,  the more innocent people would be hurt .   it was just a fact .            “  there’s still PEOPLE in here ,   meadowes .  ”   marlene pulled her gaze from the chandelier that threatened to collapse on them ,  and offered a glance in the direction of dorcas ,  who was more proficient at lighting fires with her wand than even her brother marcus in his infamous pyromaniac stage of his fifth year .  he lit a classroom on fire ,  and was nearly expelled .   but he couldn’t even hold a proverbial flame to her friend’s talent at melting death eaters .   but the thing with fire is that once you started one ,  it was near impossible to put out .   

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