[berryoffline]

chatting with him feeling like my self-hatred can be perceived through every message i send

[berryoffline]

it’s cheesy but it reminded me that we only have one life

[berryoffline]

holidays. there is nothing going on. i have too much free time and my mind is heating up. especially regarding him.

because the moment that i started liking him more was the moment that my obsession with these questions began: does he like me less now that i’m showing him more affection? am i too clingy? am i rushing something?

it seems my time has been divided into the time spent with him and the time in between. nothing good can come out of that. if i let this continue, the answers to the aforementioned questions will all be yes. yes, he’ll like me less, because yes, i am clingy, and yes, i am rushing things. it’s off-putting to him, but also disrespectful to myself. get a life and stand on your own feet, sincerely.

[berryoffline]

i’m left alone for one evening and instantly the feeling that something is seriously wrong comes back

[berryoffline]

3rd of january 2022

the other day i woke up next to him with a warm feeling in my heart

tonight i’m wide awake, imagining the ways that this warmth could end up hurting me

[berryoffline]

i don’t want to sleep because it feels like losing control

[sansgod]

the magical duration where our lives make sense together is making me cry

[berryoffline]

6th of december

in these times of uncertainty and chaos, it’s becoming increasingly difficult to attribute any meaning to the hectic life. while the part of the future that i can’t control is standing on weak grounds, i’m expected to invest in my own future. what future am i working towards if i already lost all hope in it?

last year, i had the luck to study abroad. we called it the artificial paradise. we didn’t have to study as much and exams weren’t important. i used to think it was a paradise because nothing mattered. now, being back in normal life, i can see that the artificial paradise mattered more than this one, the one of the hectic life. there, making connections and exploring were allowed to matter. there, we were living day by day, the future wasn’t a concept that went 30 years ahead in time, the future was tomorrow or at most the end of our stay. there, every day felt meaningful.

i don’t know. lately i’ve been thinking a lot about meaning and the future. i don’t study enough because it feels meaningless. i don’t find joy in the things that i used to. social media is becoming so absurd it nauseates me. i don’t see my friends because we are all busy constructing our lives.

it’s a big question, the meaning of life. and the weak grounds we are standing on today isn’t making it easier.

[berryoffline]

just remembered when the guy i was dating for a while last year told me that what he liked in me was my nationality

[berryoffline]

i’m worried about a certain virus variant and the future is starting to feel more uncertain again

[berryoffline]

I just want to hug, right now I don’t care about kisses and everything else

why is it so difficult to hug? why is hugging too much?

[berryoffline]

stop forcing a laugh when something is funny but not funny enough to laugh wholeheartedly. you look like an idiot.

[berryoffline]

24th of november

after months of peace, he wrote to me. one of the things he said: “it took 3 to 4 people to replace what you gave to me”.

i’m not understanding what it is that i could have given to him. i don’t have personality, my presence doesn’t add to much, my presence is barely noticeable. i’m a blank canvas for other people to fill and a mirror for them to see themselves in.

he hasn’t seen anything in me. he has only seen himself and his own wishes in the mirror that has my name on it.

he’s writing to me because he wants to look at himself. i’m nothing else than a notebook and recipient of his thoughts.

will anyone ever like me for who i am, instead of what they can see in themselves through me?

how do i stop being this fucking mirror?

[loveaudiogasm]

boys who make a lot of noise when they cum are just superior. like you’re so cute don’t hold back I wanna hear you :(

[berryoffline]

i just feel so lonely. i cannot count on anyone to remember me and it really hurts.

[berryoffline]

i don’t know how to create lasting friendships, i don’t know how to get out of the superficial phase of a forming friendship

[berryoffline]

29th of may

is it normal to have a friend you can always text no matter the subject?