hi apologies this post took a few days to make. i wanted to make sure this was clear and thorough.
yes i did rape my ex xolotl promiseinourhearts. there is no arguing about that it is just factually true and i do not want anybody claiming otherwise. i've made my private apology already, but i am again really deeply sorry especially now with the further cruelty sent your way on my behalf and upon learning you have csa trauma the way i do. it was horrible to do regardless but i know how painful it is to have that particular wound reopened.
i do not want people saying he actually assaulted me based on extenuating circumstances i had actively kept hidden and covered up for years, especially when none of it was… particularly traumatizing to me? i was underage (16-18, we broke up in june shortly before i turned 19) for the majority of our relationship, but it's cruel to harass him for it when he didn't know and i am more than fine in that regard. i did not mean for my post where i came clean about my age to invite people to hurt him further, only to reach the people who i hadn't gotten to tell privately. this just incited people to hurt you further, however, and i am so sorry.
i'd also like to apologize for my girlfriend (deactivated, previously hmsggg. she does not have social media besides this) saying you deserved all the ways i hurt you, and for @girltimeswithscar, @sprucewoodmpreg, @2nowfort, @trainforanother1000years, @optifine and whoever else i might've missed or had supported them in trying to defend me or make up excuses or reasons for me or turn people against you in some way. i've never named my rapists/abusers publicly nor had to face vitriol from dozens of strangers in doing so, i'm sorry that you had to in naming me. i do mean that very sincerely i never wanted anybody to defend me in any stage of this. i've disassociated with many of these people since, and as for my girlfriend we've been talking. i don't have a support system outside of her, and i've been explaining and working out what needs to happen for both of us to get better. she's known me since we were both very young teenagers and has been otherwise helping me get better.
i've spent the last few months doing my own research on sex offender treatment and learning what reportedly seems to work for my risk level and age group. the good lives model is what i've seen described as effective. i won't explain it myself, but a treatment provider named jennifer weeks recently did a conference explaining it, and there is a shorter overview i watched a couple months ago by michelle fortier both of which are just on youtube (it's also effective for other types of offenses and . i also get new insurance in just a few days and for once my own personal circumstances means i can actually use it and go to therapy (as well as other doctors and such). there is an atsa member therapist in my area as well as a few other people who offer the types of therapy best suited for me and my needs. in the meantime i've mostly just been doing what i can to try and be a relatively normal person.
i don't have any interest in returning to social media publicly or anything of the sort. i'd like to go offline and not hurt anyone else and like… have a life and not lie anymore and get better. this blog isn't in my hands anymore, i have tumblr completely blacklisted on all of my devices. all of my blogs (aside from this one which will remain up for archival purposes) and other accounts that i could remember are deleted or completed privated. again i am really sorry for all the pain i've caused you and dozens and dozens of other people, i really am leaving and going to get better.
