LlamaBer

 A Rebel half-MeU - half Shawol who slipped into the diamond life and turned into an AhGaSe. | f(x) SHINee Got7 Seventeen DEAN | Meanie trash and LunBer trash

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

When it hurts to move on, just remember the pain you felt hanging on.

Unknown (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[purplebuddhaquotes]

“You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.”

—

Thích Nhất Hạnh

[holatinola]

An Open Letter to a Friend Who is Starting to Heal from Depression

By Allison Labitan

Dear friend,

How are you? It’s been awhile since we last talked. I wonder how you are doing right now. I wanted to give you time for yourself. I understand what you are currently going through and I know that you are going through a difficult time.

I know that you feel that it is a lonely journey. Life seemed like a labyrinth you are stuck in and has no chance of surviving. The loneliness that an inexpressible pain has caused you has been occupying your life for a long time now. It is indeed a very gloomy period of your life. You knew that being sad is okay so you wanted to give yourself time to feel such emotion. But it started occupying your life and it affects your well-being on a daily basis. Drastic weight loss, lack of concentration which leads to failing exams, losing interest to things you used to love, and not wanting to interact with anyone. Exhaustion, pain, sadness, loneliness, despair, yearning, and emptiness. These were the emotions you may be feeling all at the same time. And the only way you could explain it to anyone is through saying that it’s just a “heavy feeling”.

The dark cloud metaphor is real. It follows you wherever you go, whether you are with your favorite people or you are eating in your favorite restaurant. Everything that gives you life were washed away by the crashing waves of the “heavy feeling”. Despite sleeping all day, you still wake up with a heavy feeling in your chest. Your bed is your only haven amidst the internal chaos you are going through. I know that you’re crying yourself to sleep or crying inside the school’s bathroom stalls. You’re trying your best to maintain your ‘happy’ mask. You don’t want anyone to feel sorry for you or to ask you if you’re okay.You were reminiscing every heartbreak that you had to rationalize the pain you are feeling. It somehow gives you ‘peace’ that there is really a reason behind such heavy emotions.

I’ve seen the wounds on your wrist despite wearing jackets to hide them. Self-inflicted harm was your only salvation from the isolating emotional pain accumulating in your chest. Every cut seemed to release a gram of pain out of your system. The more cuts you make, the better it felt. It was the only thing you could ever think of to mitigate the emotional pain. You neglected your health. You’re probably doing risky behaviors, drinking or smoking a lot, or not eating your meals. You think that this would eventually lead you to a slow painful death. Or you’re probably cancelling plans and get-togethers with your friends. You’re isolating yourself from other people especially from the ones you love to avoid being a burden.

You have also talked to some of your professors and opened up about what you were going through. Their sincere words were very consoling in times of your gloomiest days. It was the very first time that you have cried in front of someone you really look up to. At first, you were quite guarded. Your heart was being hindered by walls you have built around yourself since you were too afraid to appear vulnerable in front of your professor. But the façade that you were keeping was overpowered by the surge of emotions you were bottling up for months. The emotional pain manifested in your trembling hands and tearful eyes.

“Hindi ko po alam bakit nararamdaman ko ‘to.”, “Sobrang bigat.”, and “Pagod na ako” were the only words you could tell to express what you are going through.

The thought that you are not the only one with such condition is consoling. However, no one can seem to understand the agonizing loneliness that that pain has caused you and how it is affecting every single thing that makes you who you are. The overwhelming surge of loneliness and the thought of being a burden keep you from seeking solace. To end your life was the only option that you had. “No one understands you. Everyone will leave you. You’re worthless. You’re a burden”. A voice keeps telling you these words. Perhaps you have already planned it all out. From the time, place, and means. You even started making subtle farewell messages to the people you love.  I am glad that you did not push through with your plans, and you decided to continue living. You are a precious human being and I am proud that you have conquered these thoughts.

You have a brave soul. The need to help others has become the sole reason for you to seek help. You do not want anyone to suffer the same thing that you went through. No one should be drowning in a vast sea of hopelessness. You are a very loving and understanding person. You always put other people’s well-being before yours. I admire you for having the courage to seek help despite the stigma attached to people suffering from mental illnesses. You know that being a Psychology student doesn’t mean you are invincible. You are allowed to feel pain. You are allowed to feel emotions that may be deemed ‘negative’. There are no right or wrong emotions. Your feelings are valid. You are allowed to ask others for help.  It is not selfish to seek help nor to give yourself time to heal. You allowed yourself to be HUMAN.

Everything is not yet ‘too late’. You are still a work in progress. I know that there have been noticeable positive changes in your life ever since you started taking prescribed meds, and undergoing therapy. I am happy that you’re taking each step and not rushing things to happen. Healing doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time, and it’s okay if you take longer than others. Even the strongest ones will need help at least once. Heal at your own pace, and you will realize that your journey to being healed will make you grow into a better and loving person.

How’s your therapy going? Do you experience side effects from your medicines? You’re probably experiencing headaches and an upset stomach. But don’t worry! Your body will soon be able to adjust after a week or two. I hope that you’re starting to sleep well. I hope your appetite is starting to become normal and you’re starting to gain weight. I’m looking forward to have lunch with you, and we’d eat our favorite Japanese food! Then let’s talk about your new favorite TV series, or favorite songs. Tell me about how quirky your therapist is. Is ‘All My Lovin’’ still your favorite The Beatles song? Do you still remove the green peas in your Menudo? Hahaha. I hope that we’ll hang out soon. Please remember that you are not alone in this battle. I understand that it’s tough, but I know that you’ll get through it. I will always be here to listen whenever you are ready. Your existence is still wanted. See you soon. I really miss you. I love you so much, my friend. You’re one of the most precious people in this world.

I hope you’re doing well.

[holatinola]

An Open Letter to a Friend Who is Starting to Heal from Depression

By Allison Labitan

Dear friend,

How are you? It’s been awhile since we last talked. I wonder how you are doing right now. I wanted to give you time for yourself. I understand what you are currently going through and I know that you are going through a difficult time.

I know that you feel that it is a lonely journey. Life seemed like a labyrinth you are stuck in and has no chance of surviving. The loneliness that an inexpressible pain has caused you has been occupying your life for a long time now. It is indeed a very gloomy period of your life. You knew that being sad is okay so you wanted to give yourself time to feel such emotion. But it started occupying your life and it affects your well-being on a daily basis. Drastic weight loss, lack of concentration which leads to failing exams, losing interest to things you used to love, and not wanting to interact with anyone. Exhaustion, pain, sadness, loneliness, despair, yearning, and emptiness. These were the emotions you may be feeling all at the same time. And the only way you could explain it to anyone is through saying that it’s just a “heavy feeling”.

The dark cloud metaphor is real. It follows you wherever you go, whether you are with your favorite people or you are eating in your favorite restaurant. Everything that gives you life were washed away by the crashing waves of the “heavy feeling”. Despite sleeping all day, you still wake up with a heavy feeling in your chest. Your bed is your only haven amidst the internal chaos you are going through. I know that you’re crying yourself to sleep or crying inside the school’s bathroom stalls. You’re trying your best to maintain your ‘happy’ mask. You don’t want anyone to feel sorry for you or to ask you if you’re okay.You were reminiscing every heartbreak that you had to rationalize the pain you are feeling. It somehow gives you ‘peace’ that there is really a reason behind such heavy emotions.

I’ve seen the wounds on your wrist despite wearing jackets to hide them. Self-inflicted harm was your only salvation from the isolating emotional pain accumulating in your chest. Every cut seemed to release a gram of pain out of your system. The more cuts you make, the better it felt. It was the only thing you could ever think of to mitigate the emotional pain. You neglected your health. You’re probably doing risky behaviors, drinking or smoking a lot, or not eating your meals. You think that this would eventually lead you to a slow painful death. Or you’re probably cancelling plans and get-togethers with your friends. You’re isolating yourself from other people especially from the ones you love to avoid being a burden.

You have also talked to some of your professors and opened up about what you were going through. Their sincere words were very consoling in times of your gloomiest days. It was the very first time that you have cried in front of someone you really look up to. At first, you were quite guarded. Your heart was being hindered by walls you have built around yourself since you were too afraid to appear vulnerable in front of your professor. But the façade that you were keeping was overpowered by the surge of emotions you were bottling up for months. The emotional pain manifested in your trembling hands and tearful eyes.

“Hindi ko po alam bakit nararamdaman ko ‘to.”, “Sobrang bigat.”, and “Pagod na ako” were the only words you could tell to express what you are going through.

The thought that you are not the only one with such condition is consoling. However, no one can seem to understand the agonizing loneliness that that pain has caused you and how it is affecting every single thing that makes you who you are. The overwhelming surge of loneliness and the thought of being a burden keep you from seeking solace. To end your life was the only option that you had. “No one understands you. Everyone will leave you. You’re worthless. You’re a burden”. A voice keeps telling you these words. Perhaps you have already planned it all out. From the time, place, and means. You even started making subtle farewell messages to the people you love.  I am glad that you did not push through with your plans, and you decided to continue living. You are a precious human being and I am proud that you have conquered these thoughts.

You have a brave soul. The need to help others has become the sole reason for you to seek help. You do not want anyone to suffer the same thing that you went through. No one should be drowning in a vast sea of hopelessness. You are a very loving and understanding person. You always put other people’s well-being before yours. I admire you for having the courage to seek help despite the stigma attached to people suffering from mental illnesses. You know that being a Psychology student doesn’t mean you are invincible. You are allowed to feel pain. You are allowed to feel emotions that may be deemed ‘negative’. There are no right or wrong emotions. Your feelings are valid. You are allowed to ask others for help.  It is not selfish to seek help nor to give yourself time to heal. You allowed yourself to be HUMAN.

Everything is not yet ‘too late’. You are still a work in progress. I know that there have been noticeable positive changes in your life ever since you started taking prescribed meds, and undergoing therapy. I am happy that you’re taking each step and not rushing things to happen. Healing doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time, and it’s okay if you take longer than others. Even the strongest ones will need help at least once. Heal at your own pace, and you will realize that your journey to being healed will make you grow into a better and loving person.

How’s your therapy going? Do you experience side effects from your medicines? You’re probably experiencing headaches and an upset stomach. But don’t worry! Your body will soon be able to adjust after a week or two. I hope that you’re starting to sleep well. I hope your appetite is starting to become normal and you’re starting to gain weight. I’m looking forward to have lunch with you, and we’d eat our favorite Japanese food! Then let’s talk about your new favorite TV series, or favorite songs. Tell me about how quirky your therapist is. Is ‘All My Lovin’’ still your favorite The Beatles song? Do you still remove the green peas in your Menudo? Hahaha. I hope that we’ll hang out soon. Please remember that you are not alone in this battle. I understand that it’s tough, but I know that you’ll get through it. I will always be here to listen whenever you are ready. Your existence is still wanted. See you soon. I really miss you. I love you so much, my friend. You’re one of the most precious people in this world.

I hope you’re doing well.

[tttangeline]

it’s the loneliness that kills you,  the moments when you realize you have no one and no one cares to have you

vp (via tttangeline)

[meanie-lunewber]

it’s been 5 years and all the bad decisions and regretful things i’ve done a few years back  are reminding me how awful i was as a student , yet here i am, still as awful as I was before  once a trash, always a trash 

[meanie-lunewber]

it’s been 7 months and i still feel so heavy 

[meanie-lunewber]

i envy people who have best friends to whom they can share whatever stuff they have in their minds. Although i do have best friends for certain contexts such as college best friends to whom I can talk about our college struggles; high school best friends which I spent my high school life with; internship best friend who helped me grow, and learned new things in the ‘glimpse’ of ‘real world’ with, and fun best friends who are with me during fun times. I appreciate each of them and love them so dearly, but my yearning for a lifelong best friend has been occupying me for years. I have no one to talk to about my personal struggles, my self-growth, my beliefs, or something that comes up in my mind. I don’t have that someone to whom i can share my life with, without feeling that I’m bothersome at all.

[meanie-lunewber]

i love making people happy but at the end of each day, i feel so alone. i realized that despite presenting a facade of being a happy-go-lucky and joker kind of girl, no one will ever bother to be there for me when times are tough. sometimes it gets too exhausting trying to understand other people. i just need someone to understand me... or perhaps give me assurance that everything will be fine; that i am needed; that i am important; that someone understands me despite not knowing what i am going through. 

[meanie-lunewber]

i miss my friends i love my friends but at the end of the day, i still feel so alone. I don’t have a go-to person. i have no one to share my problems. i dont even know what my problems are. i feel so alone in this battle of trying to understand myself

[meanie-lunewber]

pretending to be okay is tiring  pretending to be in the process of healing is tiring 

[meanie-lunewber]

i am tired of everything. i just want to die. 

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

The deepest pain I ever felt was denying my own feelings to make everyone else comfortable.

Nicole Lyons (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[meanie-lunewber]

I feel bad for making up lies just so no one will find out that I'm not okay. I just do not like the attention when people notice that there's something wrong with me. I don't know how to explain what I'm feeling, I'm not sure if I'm just creating all these thoughts inside of my head just to rationalize my self-harming behavior or I am just harming myself to "punish" myself for having such thoughts. I dont know. But one thing for sure, the pain from the wounds makes me feel better and takes the heavy feeling away. I am trying to make myself better by hanging out more with my friends, going out of my comfort zone, exploring new things, and appreciating the people that i love and all the positive things. But at the end of each day, the dreadful feeling surrounds me every time I'm on my way home and  at night. I still feel so alone even though I've spent the entire day with my friends. I want to help myself, but the dark cloud seems to overpower me and it seems getting more heavier. Seeking help was one of the decisions I regret the most. It ruined my family, and it ruined me. My family has to deal with adjustments, and they have to look after me most of the time. I feel like I need some kind of special attention and special treatment. I feel like I am a burden because of all these changes and I feel bad because I feel so selfish. I am not the only one who’s tired of life. I am not the only one who’s tired of dealing with life. 

I just want this to end. I just want to die.

[meanie-lunewber]

I wrote poems for certain people, I want them to read the poems I wrote for them, but at the same time I don’t want them to. :( 

[meanie-lunewber]

I am just extremely sad for several weeks. I do not know what to do. All I needed was a friend.

[opheliabpd]

The thing about BPD is that you can be in the middle of a great conversation and laughing and having fun, then the other person’s face or voice changes for half a second and suddenly the world is crashing down around you.