recognizing abuse in polyamorous relationships
i recently left an emotionally abusive poly relationship. although ive learned a good deal from tumblr and from friends about recognizing red flags in relationships, i still had difficulty catching all the signs and giving the ones i did catch proper weight. here are some things to look out for, keeping in mind that my particular experience was as a secondary partner who started dating one person in an existing primary, cohabiting relationship.
i am not anti-polyamory. i am not talking about the more often discussed thing where one person in a couple wants to open the relationship and the other one doesnt. i am talking about situations where polyamory is already a given, and abuse, if present, may not look exactly like it does when its only between two people, which i think most discussions of relationship abuse assume.
1. relationship hierarchy is overemphasized, especially for its own sake. there were a couple times that my metamour made sure to point out to me, in private, that her relationship with our shared partner was primary, and went on about how much our partner meant to her and how she wouldnt let anything come between them. if someone is insecure, they should talk to their own partners first and address that in a healthy way. the way it was brought up to me, it was clearly (in retrospect) about asserting power and control.
2. your partner seems defensive or surprised every time you point out an issue in their other relationship. my partner was fairly receptive to me gently pointing out that something seemed unhealthy or was affecting me negatively, but never seemed to notice on her own, and could not address these issues as successfully as those that had nothing to do with her other partner. in retrospect, this was a pretty clear sign that their dynamic was abusive.
3. you feel that you are not allowed to have an opinion on your partners other relationships. even if we want to be good little relationship anarchists, our relationships do not exist in separate bubbles. if another relationship in your polycule is affecting you negatively, you need to be able to speak about it. if you consistently feel that you are not allowed to complain, or find that you cannot make any progress when you do, that is a big red flag. the same goes for downplaying your own opinion: for a long time i was very uncomfortable with the baseline animosity between my partner and my metamour, but tried to write it off as ‘mean humor’ and ‘friendly arguing’ that i was too sensitive or ND to ‘understand.’
4. someone is not in control of their own schedule. my partner and metamour lived together and shared a commute, so it made sense for their schedules to be pretty entwined in certain ways. however, in a poly context, it was not reasonable for these habits to extend to all areas of their lives. my partner had to check with my metamour before making any plans with me. my partner could not always tell me in advance when she would have to leave my apartment; sometimes she would leave at the drop of a hat whenever my metamour texted her, just so she could meet her on the train platform.
5. you are afraid of, intimidated by, or extra cautious around anyone in your polycule, even if you are not dating that person. this is a fairly basic abuse red flag, but it needs to be explicitly stated: look for these flags in your metamours, not just your partners. in a poly situation, you are on some level dating the whole group, even if youre only dating one person in it. take it seriously when those relationships feel off–as seriously as you would if it were your relationship with your actual partner. especially if you feel afraid to talk to someone at all, or like it is impossible to have a fruitful conversation with them.
6. someone acts differently with one of their partners than they do with anyone else, especially in a way that seems uncharacteristic. obviously youre going to act differently with different partners. but i mean more key things like temperament, deference, logical reasoning. this is related to my point #2 but it applies more broadly. if someone is normally kind, but gets meaner around one person, thats a red flag. if someone is normally proactive or assertive, but steps back around one person, thats a red flag.
7. keeping the peace or the balance is prioritized over your safety, comfort, or fulfillment. my metamour had a lot of outbursts where she would yell loudly at me and/or our partner and/or everyone around. when these events were over, it was difficult to talk about them. it was also easy to set them aside, since i didnt have to see my metamour that often.
even if youre not dating the person causing problems in your polycule, even if you barely have to see them in person yourself, their actions do affect you, and you should take any refusal to take responsibility, etc as seriously as if you were dating that person.
8. you repeatedly spend time and energy with your partner trying to address their other relationship. i noticed red flags in my metamour before i even started dating our shared partner, when i barely knew either of them. i did not hold these red flags against my partner, but i should have held them against getting involved with her, even though she was not the one enacting the behaviors that were tripping my alarms.
i put a lot of effort into getting my partner to recognize problems and patterns in her other relationship. i let her stay with me for almost a week when she almost left her other partner, putting my own trauma from the same person on hold to try to help. even during the few days they had broken up, our relationship was still entirely about their relationship.
you cannot be your partners main support for their other relationship. this is true even under non-abusive conditions. but please, take it from me, you cannot be the one to pull your partner out of their abusive other relationship. you cannot do that and maintain your own relationship as healthy, equal, sustainable, and fair. be their platonic support, or if you are set on dating them, push them firmly to find help for their abusive relationship with someone outside the polycule.
9. you never feel like a priority. when my partner was in crisis, including because of direct abuse from my metamour, i dropped things to help. when my metamour was in crisis, i dropped things to support my partner, including coming back early from winter break with my family. when i was in crisis, i had to hope it was a night my partner was already planning to see me. its also significant that my metamour essentially refused to seek support from people besides our shared partner, which is unhealthy in general, but especially untenable in a poly context.
my emergencies never felt as important, nor did my regular scheduling needs. it was so, so, so easy to write all of this off, especially since they both had legitimately crammed schedules, especially since i already struggle with feeling ‘too needy.’ your partner should be willing to go out of their way for you on occasion, and should take it very seriously if you point out this kind of imbalance.
10. you are hearing all the right words, but something just isnt ‘clicking.’ my metamour talked a lot about community, and communitarian ideals, and frequently offered help with all sorts of practical tasks. my metamour and partner both understood and could reliably articulate the importance of communication, and the proper way of handling abuse. i cannot exaggerate this enough, they were both psych students and took classes on abuse and did academic work on abuse.
it did not help them recognize or address the abuse between them, and the abuse they inflicted on me. someone can be the most eager helper in the world when it comes to fixing showers, editing resumes, and other practical tasks, but it has zero bearing on their willingness to critically self-reflect, their degree of care for your deeper emotions, their ability to carry their supposed ideals into actual practices of accountability.
11. your relationship would be great, if not for the other people involved. thats is self explanatory, but i want to devote a bullet point to saying this: your partner can be the best person in the world and if there is abuse in one of their other relationships, there will be abuse in yours. if there is abuse in your polycule, and bringing it up does not immediately result in concrete plans with follow-through, i want you to consider walking away. right now. whatever you have to leave behind. because no one is worth putting yourself through avoidable abuse. no one.
that said, if you stay, or have stayed, its not your fault. i really wanted to help my partner leave her/our abuser, but it wasnt my job, and she wasnt ready.
anyone who is worried that their polyamorous relationship might be unhealthy or abusive can message me if you need someone to talk to about it. this relationship wrecked me for much longer than it needed to, because i did not have the tools to validate my concerns and empower my choice to leave. i seriously considered leaving twice before i actually did, but stayed because of the many unrelated positive things about my relationship, even though the abuse never actually changed, even when my metamour started acting more willing to talk about and work on it. i dont want anyone else to go through that.
i also encourage folks to add additional points or relevant experiences that they think might be helpful to others. thanks to everyone who takes the time to read this, and/or reblogs it. i left over three months ago and while i am doing worlds better now, the trauma from this relationship is still with me and i expect it will be prominent, if not constant, for a good long while.
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