Starscream angst (tw- suicide)
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The night was cold around Starscream there was a breeze that made breathing easier. He was sure tonight was the night as he made his way through the forest. Weariness filled his frame as he moved. There was no set location on his GPS he just wanted to exist for a while longer. He had hated this planet when he first arrived and wanted nothing more than to go back to Cybertron. It just didn’t feel right to be so big he was clearly in a place he wasn’t supposed to be.
He wasn’t the largest bot, but he still caused so many problems for the creatures of this planet. It made him sick to think of how his actions hurt the people around him. It didn’t make sense how everyone could move on as if the death and violence never happened. He knew that it wasn’t their fault he’d never be the same.
War wasn’t for fame or glory it was blood-soaked ego, sugarcoated rat poison. Tempt the youth to fight for you and brush off the casualties. You were righteous, and anyone who opposed you was the problem. Make them pledge allegiance to a person who doesn’t care if they survive. Because it is all black and white, there was no compromise.
Until there was, and Starscream had to deal with the fact that all he had done was for nothing. All the blood and bodies, nameless graves that he hadn’t given a second thought, were all he could think of now.
He wanted to leave long before the war was over, but he stayed, he would much rather handle Megatron’s lashings than for another seeker to have to. He was the strongest seeker, so why put the others at risk by leaving? Why be that selfish? Sure, he could be a bit self-absorbed, but he cared about his troops at the end of the day.
So he stayed and played along, taking the beatings with little struggle. Duck and cover your head and face, then start all over. He wanted Megatron gone and wanted to be in control. Starscream sat down when he realized that he had no clue why he wanted control, he just did. The war would have happened either way, and Megatron was probably a more reasonable leader.
He watched the water for a while as silence washed over him. Tonight wasn’t supposed to be scary, but he couldn’t help the coolant that ran down his cheeks. He kept his breathing even as the tears fell. There was no point wiping them, the night would be full of them anyway. There's no shame in spilling tears alone in the woods. It doesn’t count if no one is there to see the meltdown.
So he gathered himself one more time while he lay on moss, running a hand down his face as he tried to compose himself enough to speak. The moon shone cool light on his cockpit as he commed Skyfire; it rang, then silence. “Hey Sky, I just wanted to say sorry for the way things ended, it wasn’t your fault that I was immature.” He takes a shaky breath before continuing, “And I know you probably have me blocked, which is for the best.” He thinks about hanging up but continues, “But I did truly care about you, and I wish things had worked out back then.”
Starscream wanted to stop there, but there was one more thing he had to say as the tears came back. “I think this is really goodbye, not just from you but like forever, and I’m sorry I wasn’t a better man, but I was as good as I knew how to be.”
“Star?” He felt sick as he realized Skyfire had heard it all. “Skyfire, I…” Calmly, he turned off his tracker. “Star, where are you? We should meet up, just tell me your coordinates.”The tone was calm and practiced. If he came off too desperate, the seeker might have tried to leave. So he tried so hard to force a false hope into it.
“Everything will work out, Star you just need someone to talk to. I get that just don't do anything tonight. Stay on call with me I’ll listen, I promise.” There was a breeze that almost swayed Starscream, sadly, he made up his mind tonight was the night. “I’m fine, Sky I just wanted some closure. Everything will be fine, I promise.” After reassuring the shuttle that everything would be fine and he was safe in his room, both lies in their own right, he convinced him to go to bed.
It was cruel to do this to Skyfire, but not the worst thing he had done. He wasn’t ready he wanted a while longer to make sure that he was actually going to do it. Of course he was, this is what he’s wanted for so long, so why does his frame ache with an unfamiliar dread? The blaster weighed heavy in his servo. It was a beautiful night, the water quiet, the stars bright, and the moon clear in the sky. It was like a spotlight, and God knows that’s the last thing he needs right now.
A reminder of his hopes and dreams, to be truly seen as a person and not scrutinized as a general. You know he never made the stars scream his name, but maybe they’d let his spark join them in the sky. To shine bright and perfect on nights like these. With that, his decision was made.
The sun came up the next morning, and birds sang sweet songs in the orange glow that it cast. The Autobot base was full of a lively humming, except for one bot who sat nervously calling the same out-of-service line. Starscream was right about one thing, whether he stayed or left, the world would keep turning. People would move on if they cared at all in the first place. Everyone but one shuttle whose world stopped that night.
You never notice when a star burns out until it’s yours.
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note: I've been feeling down so I wrote this. anyways like always, leave a comment to let me know how you feel.
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