Why do i even bother coming around on this blog? All it does is hurt, in a way I can’t explain without betraying myself or my promises. All of the things I did wrong, people I’ve ruined just to test myself and the trust I didn’t have.
Fuck, I shouldn’t miss you for a second. You always wanted me to change in order to be closer. First it was religion, then it was how I coped with a darkness that could only be remedied by something that was out of my hands after I applied at every place I could. Sure, I’m hired somewhere now and doing a lot better than I was then, but that’s after...what, three..four years of healing and struggling. I shouldn’t miss you, you never accepted what I was or was trying to be and couldn’t see a way to it. You left me when I was wide open and vulnerable to begin with. But fuck me- I miss you. Every damn time I try to set a standard for what I’d like, you’re pretty much the minimum of what’s acceptable.
Perhaps this pain is an obnoxious, karmic catharsis to the voices in my head already telling me how worthless I am. Draw a line to where I was and see how I’ve grown. It doesn’t feel like enough, and it never will. I will always feel like I’m behind, that I’ve wasted years I’ll never get back. Even more so now than then, when we still talked...cause I wasted so much time accepting you and changing for you, and all for nothing but a lesson I’ll never forget.
you shunned me at my worst and I shouldn’t even think of letting you see me recover and climb my way to where I’m going. You don’t deserve it for all you’ve done. But I am equally spiteful and masochistic. See me as I am now. I want to show you- make you relive those memories. I don’t care how much it’s going to sting, either. Cause like I said- I deserve it.
