my eyes stay lookin’ up at the sky

follow my insta!

[meliapsviesta]

Thought I’d maybe pin a little post to my little blog since I don’t think I’ve ever really introduced myself, but my face is on here!

Hi, I’m Patty. I use they/them pronouns. I’m a 22yo October Libra wahoo. I’ve also been medically transitioning (FtM) since September 16, 2025. I mostly identify as non-binary, though. I never understand my gender lol.

I have had this blog for a long while, it’s seen many different things, just like I have. I think it’s about eight years old as of sometime.. [checks notes] last year?

My personality type is INFJ-T, I’m a Libra sun, Aries moon, and Virgo rising. So far, I’ve been sober since August 26, 2023. This is something I’m really proud of.

I have my BA, and I love learning! I like to think of myself as a little nerdy sponge. I do love to write, I draw on occasion (I spent forever designing one of my tattoos that’s a tarot card and a selfie, I’m very proud of it), and I’m proof that life does get better.

This is still my space to post whatever the hell comes to mind, so it’s active whenever I want it to be, and that also unfortunately means I am going to post whatever the hell I want. Here I am. 🤷

Some fun facts about me: 99% of the time I’m wearing eight rings, three bracelets, and four metal necklaces. I always feel deprived on travel days as a result. I’ve got 13 piercings and 14 tattoos. I also have aphantasia, which means I have no working visual memory. Ironic considering I seem to be so creative although I’ve never understood “imaginary” exercises but growing up I’ve always been praised for my exceptional imagery in writing… hmm. lol.

I’ve done standup comedy ONCE and I even posted it to YouTube but y’all will have to know what to look for if you want to find it. 🤷

My hidden talents I think should stay hidden are the fact I can gleek, make my eyes vibrate (voluntary nystagmus), crack my elbows, burp on command (albeit not loudly), and I can [REDACTED]. I do sometimes bite ice cream just for the shock factor. Social anxiety should fear me.

Neat if you ask me! Also the NUMB520 is what I use before I get a tattoo because I’m not on team “no pain no gain,” I think our bodies are our canvases and if we don’t want to suffer a whole lot in order to get the art we want on them, we shouldn’t have to 👹

[meliapsviesta]

I graduated from uni on the 20th and I still haven’t processed that I have lmfao this year has been CRAZY but also it was so hot that day I nearly passed out so that wasn’t great but hey we did it!!!!

[meliapsviesta]

I heard a line in a musical I saw my friend perform in—it was called Brigadoon.

All that was said was something along the lines of,

“Sometimes you have to give up everything to get everything.”

And honestly? YUP. Immediately knew what it meant and I smiled.

Now, I didn’t give up everything—I had already lost it all.

So I thought.

Turns out, nope. The end was only the beginning.

Godawful-in-the-moment decisions all led to where I am today.

I went through the hell that I went through to get sober, to STAY SOBER through some serious shit where I thought things were falling apart, and I’m fucking graduating undergrad in about two weeks.

I am fucking FREE!

[kosmogrl]

[haverst]

''If you are willing to think about a situation differently, then it has already started to change for the better.''

[clydecashed-deactivated20200313]

just remembered music is real

This post is for fans of MUSIC only

[kosmogrl]

[dreamgirlvibes]

when you realize that routines are actually rituals of devotion to yourself & your dreams they become much easier to follow

[meliapsviesta]

I was telling one of my friends the other day about my last breakup, I think the fact I can look back and laugh is pretty awesome. I know I wished for a long time it didn’t end that way for so many reasons (I mean, four years y’all), but I couldn’t laugh about it whatsoever and I still remember sobbing afterwards and literally sliding down the wall of my dorm hallway and my neighbor coming out to sit with me as I cried.

Disclaimer: I did say afterwards I don’t blame them in retrospect, lowkey iconic of them given the circumstances but oh my god lmfao. WE ALSO KEPT ARGUING OVER FUCKING TEXT FOR AT LEAST A COUPLE OF MONTHS LATER LIKE YOU CANNOT BE FOR REALLLL 💀💀💀 I’m still a D1 hater (I’m in recovery so if you know you know) but this was just D1 cruelty on my end

[wordpress-blaze-30896838]

I felt like I knew her

I went to my client’s mother’s celebration of life. It wasn’t just a funeral. It was a Nigerian celebration of life. And if you’ve never been to one, let me tell you — it’s not quiet and heavy the way we’re used to. It’s layered. It’s vibrant. It’s grief and honor dancing in the same room. It’s culture wrapped around memory. It’s sorrow dressed in dignity. I walked in not knowing what to expect. But I didn’t feel like a stranger. For fifteen years, my client has sat in my chair and talked about his mom. Stories about how strong she was. How proud she was. The way she carried herself. The standards she had. The love she gave. The expectations she set. I’ve heard her name more times than I can count. And standing there, listening to family speak, watching the way people honored her, I realized something: I felt like I knew her. Isn’t that something? How life weaves people together in the quietest ways. I never shook her hand. I never met her face to face. But I knew her through her son. Through the way he carries himself. Through the discipline in him. Through the pride. Through the softness he doesn’t always show but you can feel. You can tell a lot about a mother by the man she raised. And she must have been something special. What struck me most was how open it all felt. The family welcomed people in. They didn’t guard the grief — they shared it. There was music, color, tradition, reverence. It wasn’t just mourning. It was honoring. It was storytelling. It was legacy. And again, I found myself thinking how wild it is that I was invited. The barber. The one who has been trimming hair and listening to life unfold for fifteen years. But that’s the thing. This isn’t just hair. It never has been. It’s relationships. It’s trust. It’s shared seasons of life. It’s watching kids grow up through photos. It’s celebrating promotions. It’s sitting quietly when someone doesn’t feel like talking. It’s knowing when something’s wrong without being told. Standing in that room, I realized something deeper: The chair is sacred space. And somehow, over the years, I’ve become part of people’s stories in ways I don’t always see. I left feeling honored. Not because I attended a service. But because I was included in something meaningful. Something cultural. Something intimate. And I kept thinking — she raised a good man. If I felt like I knew her, it’s because her imprint is all over him. That’s legacy. And I got to witness it.

Source: I felt like I knew her

[sugar-petals]

[meliapsviesta]

Love knows no bounds. Make sure yours is boundless.

[tall]

[meliapsviesta]

Y’all, I know I may be posting to an audience of one (me), but I just need to share somewhere that I feel like maybe one of my big goals this year is gonna happen. I LOVE writing and I think I’ll be able to devote more time to it at some point. Not just that, but I fully believe that I’ll write enough for my goal. I want to either write about 50 poems (I have about a dozen so far this year?) or, arbitrarily, about 150 pages. To me, this would be about the perfect amount to self-publish—but it’s kind of just my aimed minimum. Truly, I’d be happy either way and I look forward to working on some world building whenever possible. I am sooo excited to see what this year will bring for me in terms of creativity!!!!

[meliapsviesta]

I love mood lighting

[meliapsviesta]

Please do not martyr me

I would say I am a lover, not a fighter,

But I am a fighter,

Albeit an unwilling one.

I fight by loving, and through my love, which is certainly a form of resistance,

At least in this world.

My joy, my love, resists the evil and hatred surrounding

For again, how could a world be so cruel as to murder someone just for wanting to hold hands with someone else of the same birth sex?

Let alone kiss or tenderly exchange eye contact with?

Of everything to fear, though,

It is not me.

I am not the enemy,

I am not the one to fear,

I am not the enemy.

To you,

I may be a coward,

But to me,

I will be anything you want me to be,

So long as I get to walk away.

Please guarantee I will see another day.

Please don’t shoot me,

I will leave you be,

Even if I was not in the way

in the first place.

I know I lack a backbone,

But I am innocent.

There is no point in me being violent when I have no weaponry to surrender.

I am a pacifist.

I do not want to lay my life on the line,

I just want to have it.

I am no mouse,

But if you lay a trap before me with no escape,

I have no choice but to play the part.

Even though I do not wish to be your bait or trophy.

And yet in a world like ours,

That is a big ask.

I do not want it to be.

I just want to love without consequence.

I just want to be me, openly.

I just want the world to know I’m growing and changing.

I just want to experience this life the way everyone else gets to, even though I know that is a big ask.

I just want to experience this life.

I just want to live.

[louisegluckpdf]

holy quaternity

[meliapsviesta]

Reminds me of an essay I submitted that was about NieR (and GenAI) and here’s some points I wrote:

“As the player, you are given a choice upon completing the game: to sacrifice your save file, after hours of play, to help someone else. I feel that this game makes you question your identity and sense of self, especially in relation to choices you make when you think you are alone (as we discussed in class, we have different “stages” we act on every day).

This game puts into question: when you think no one is watching, what choices do you make?

…also putting into question how we see ourselves and our identities, and if we always act accordingly based on how we think we define ourselves–do we always make the same choices we make when engaging with facework (public self-image)?

[GenAI] does not have the kind of nuance and real sense of “humanity” that human-made pieces do. In truth, I can absolutely write up a piece fairly quickly and not put a great deal of effort into it, but I can still apply personal knowledge, experience, and bias in what I create. While bias can be and is harmful in some experiences, our feelings are what make us human. Generative AI does not acknowledge nor experience what I personally believe to be a key part of human creativity and experience. When we, as people, rely on a tool that is emotionless, we take away from ourselves and our creativity. Not just this, but we are then limiting our experience to engage with the human experience–and that, in my opinion, is terrifying to think about.

…I am a strong believer that humans are capable of accomplishing what is necessary, even if that means new inventions, but I do not believe that we should leave it up to technology that we create to think for us. After all, we were given brains to use, and the human experience is very complex. Complexity may seem scary, but it is both a necessary and beautiful component of being human.”

[meliapsviesta]

So today’s 5 years since my dad tried to end my subscription to life with his own hands and it’s honestly just insane to think that just five years later I’m free. I don’t EVER have to see him again if I don’t want to. I don’t EVER have to talk to him again if I don’t want to. I made it out alive and I’m actually alive and well today. Typically today is triggering and I do kind of expect it to be but I tend to have a delayed response to my dissociative episodes/flashbacks so we’ll see how today goes. I’m just lucky I’m alive today and I’m grateful I get to go about life on my own, but not by myself. I have a proper support system in place today and I’m thankful I don’t ever have to step foot in that house again unless it’s by my own accord. I do have a CPTSD diagnosis but this event was particularly… well, traumatizing. 😬