A deluge of bone hurting juice (2016-17 update)
Ahhh!!! *looks around* AHHH!!! *hides in a cave* Here. You can come in here and talk to me if you keep your voice down…
What’s been going on huh? We just finished up Rose City Comic Con. Numbers were significantly lower than last year, mainly attributed to the current local natural disasters (half of my state was set on fire) and the disaster that was this year’s layout…But that’s not what I want to write about today. Nah. We do conventions all the time now. I want to talk about ME. As some of my followers might have noticed, I’ve been a bit more…outspoken…some have even been so brash as to call me an angry woman. Well, let me tell you about all of the bullshit that I’ve had to deal with in the last year or so before you get your little panties in a twist.
I’ve been surrounded by death and loss since about April of 2016…
It was around that time that I had just broken off from an intimate relationship, and then about week after that, my mentor died in a sudden heart attack the week before my first gallery show. I was devastated from multiple angles. I thought I could handle it, but what I thought was letting go was really stuffing emotions down…That summer I got very sick when I stayed with a friend (see other update post) and fell into a very deep depression for a very long time….and then the elections happened. There were riots in the streets in my neighborhood. The protests are still going on and I no longer feel safe traveling alone sometimes, on my own streets.
Around November I had to face another fact - there were people in my life that were toxic and needed to be cut out if I were to progress with my own work, personal life and development. I found that some of my friends weren’t really my friends at all and that some of my male friends don’t know what the fuck consent is. I’m still recovering from what that implies.
In February we had a huge falling out with one of the larger shows of the year that we usually do because they lied to us and treated us like shit. We will never do a Wizard World show ever again. Fuck ‘em. They don’t give a shit about the people they work with, and they certainly don’t give a fuck about artists.
Then in April of this year (2017) I fell sick again. This time, while I was out of town at a show. Sakura Con in Seattle. I had to go to ER while I was out there. Do you know how embarrassing it is to be wheeled out through an audience of several thousand fans and cosplayers to an ambulance? Truly, a nightmare come to life! We had trouble with their staff too, but that’s posted elsewhere. As soon as I came back to Portland, I was still puking my brains out and had to go to the ER again. They did an ultrasound on me and I had a gallstone the size of a large marble that needed to be removed immediately. I barely even remember going to the hospital or being barely awake to sign the consent forms for the surgery. I was riddled with anxiety and exhaustion. And in all honesty, I was in so much pain that I just wanted to die at that moment. But I didn’t, and I woke up in the maternity ward because they were out of beds in the regular hospital so I had a nice big room with a window and a view. Silver linings I guess? I barely had time to recover as I was just getting through show 2 of 10 weeks of shows in a row. That month a friend of mine, of 15 years, totally fucked up and I had to let him go too. HOLY SHIT. Can’t get much worse, right? Riiiiight…
In May I had to deal with a creepy stalker but my friends had my back on that one so it’s resolved as far as I’m concerned. Bitches get blacklisted. If that idiot comes anywhere near me, I won’t be afraid to defend myself….which is why I’m lucky I wasn’t on this train…In late May, I did Furlandia. I was traveling via public transit. On Friday May 26th as the shuttle from the Sheraton pulled up to the airport, an alarm was sounding and a message played over the loud speaker. We were made aware that someone, no, two people had been stabbed on the train. Later on we found out that they weren’t just stabbed, they were slain. Some white supremacist crazy guy was harassing a Muslim woman and two men were brave enough to stand up to him. He slashed both of their throats, and as I would find out later on, it was never reported on news outside much of Oregon. Or at least the people from out of town I spoke to had no idea it had happened. I know that media blackout is a thing that happens, but this is just horrible. I’m so lucky to not have been on that train. Had I left when I had originally intended to, I would have been, but I stayed around another 10 minutes in the lobby to make a sale and so barely missed the death train…
Most of the summer was spent catching up on show stock arts and crafts as well as trying to recover while making sure bills and everything are taken care of. It’s been hard for me to eat. My stomach is still recovering and I’m dealing with mild to severe nausea. Going to doctor’s appointments and therapy to work everything out. Then comes this trip in Arizona…
I’ve just spent the last 2 weeks busting my ass, hand-drawing a 30 page comic just to say that I could do it and I’m looking forward to some relaxing time. However, I went far past the healthy work threshold, and between the stress, exhaustion, and mental anguish, my body freaked out again. This would be one of my worst battles yet.
I flew in, got set up, and the first day went smoothly for the most part. Then friday evening, I got sick. I don’t think I’d eaten enough…maybe it was the heat, maybe it was the reminders of where I’d come from up to that point…whatever it was, by body wasn’t having it. I won’t go into too much detail but there was multiple panic attacks and screaming/sobbing in the hotel room, uncontrollable vomiting for several days while my body wasted away, there were two trips to the ER, some people on suicide watch, a missed flight, half a week in a piss poor institution that I had no place in being, and severely lost faith in humanity. What I took from it is this - I’m never doing another show in AZ again. Their health care system is fucking garbage. I’m still getting bills that they never even sent to my insurance company because they’re so goddamn bad at what they do. And after all that? STILL NO ANSWERS. Not about me, not about my health condition. I had to FIGHT my way OUT in order to catch my flight back home in time for the Eclipse. And because I’m a sick mother fucker like that, I ended up cosplaying Griffith at RCCC because who doesn’t love getting locked up only to emerge on the dawn of the eclipse?
Coming down off of all of the meds they force fed me was hell. Trying to eat again while still vomiting for days after my return was hell. You know what eventually got rid of the nausea? Soaking. Soaking in a hot hot hot tub. Just soaking…and sipping lots of water….and not puking…and soaking…and cold showers, and soaking…oh my god, why is my body trying to kill me?
Then this month we did RCCC, and numbers are down, but that’s the least of my worries. You know what else is the least of my worries? Stupid people bullshit. For instance, man-children on Twitter telling me what not to say/post. A recently received a message from a youtuber. Not saying any names, but it rhymes with Yorgen Blundersound. The poor child had the audacity to tell me how I ought to speak. And that the regular gifts I send to my art friends were not welcome. Then he proceeded to accuse me of some sort of aggressive promo shit. Listen child, I’ve been running this shit for several years before I was even aware of your misinformed ass. I’m an award winning designer, bitch, I don’t need your help. As far as sending people things, I do that shit all the time. It’s part of what makes art life fun, giving. You know what giving back to your community looks like, right? From here you look like a whiny little kid that doesn’t have his shit together and I would never work with such a temperamental, unprofessional, arrogant little shit like yourself. Congrats on just kind of being an ass I guess. ‘\’o’y
If you’ve made it through this entire thing, thank you for reading and congratulations and understanding why I’ve given so very little fucks nowadays. My life has been full of bone hurting juice. I’m sure things will get better, but please be patient with me as I recover. And if you’re someone in my life who’s only around for the good times, be prepared to get dropped like a hot beat.
I missed the deadline for the Crafty Wonderland winter show, so I won’t be there. We will definitely be at OMSI next weekend for the Mini Maker Fair, and next month we have Portland Retro Gaming Expo. See you there!
ps. i’m adding more jewelry to the etsy shop this week and am looking for a gallery spaces to host my work. Contact me if interested. Thanks.
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