Hic adsum et exsto. Demain Viendra. @melusine0811 - Tumblr Blog

et si jamais tu te perds…je serai là

#fringe #loss #mourning #death of loved one #empathy ache #scrolling instagram at 3am and realizing that very loud unidentifiable noise just came from your own lungs #of course THIS would come up even though the person never posts and I had no idea I was still following them #of course it would #this is a very considerable loss #and I am deeply sad about it #but even more i’m sad for someone who means a lot to me #no one should have to mourn and heal alone #I’m still here #but you will probably never know i made this #because why would you visit my profile #I couldn’t even get the gif to work #I can’t remember how to do stuff anymore #it’s like it’s there in my brain but I can’t reach it #and I’m sorry #i am speaking into the void #i ask the void: why?

playthings2007

Don't come to elf practice tomorrow

#screw you I wanna be a dentist

memory-of-stargazing

“It just means you have to work double as hard as most people!”

Well maybe I don’t WANT to work double as hard as abled people!! Maybe I deserve a BREAK!! Maybe I’ve been working MORE THAN double as hard for MY WHOLE LIFE and it’s led me to immense burnout & caused me to develop several MORE disabilities!! Maybe I should be ACCOMMODATED so I don’t have to KILL MY BODY AND BRAIN over trying to do what abled people can do!! Maybe I DON’T have to work double as hard!! Maybe if there’s the option to let me NOT work double as hard, I should have it, because I’m already working double as hard JUST TO SURVIVE!!

Why do you think disabled people deserve less rest than mentally & physically abled people?

melusine0811

This was this morning after getting out of the shower, and I take propranolol:

This is why POTS patients have no energy and why they faint and wobble when walking.

I thought I was having hot flashes, up to a year ago. Nope. A POTS episode.

#my body is so fatigued that I have SO much trouble getting up the stairs in my house #and I had symptoms for all this shit #since childhood #oh yeah and a high heart rate on my vitals #FOR THE PAST 10 YEARS #anytime I went to the ER / got admitted into psychiatric #my diagnosis was severe treatment resistant double depression and anxiety #they all scratched their fucking heads #in ALL the many many days I spent in fucking grippy socks trying to stop self harm #my RESTING heart rate was as high as 110bpm over and over again #HELLO??#autism and adhd didn’t occur to them either #then after I got a complex PTSD diagnosis during my 5 months in Tennessee #my home psychiatrist said hmm I was thinking that might be trauma.#I FUCKING DISSOCIATED MYSELF IN AND OUT OF OBLIVION FOR 2.5 MONTHS #now I find autonomic dysfunction has been part of my life since forever too #ALL of this brought on by hormones #in perimenopause your estrogen drops #but if you’re neurodivergent it comes on early and crashes like a broken elevator #estrogen and dopamine are dear friends. got it?#enough dopamine is one of the things neurodivergents need but lack most #pots was awakened too #I have to rest after taking a shower #and I have to use a wheelchair next week which could become using one for lots of things #i had a male gynecologist tell me there was no way I was in Perimenopause #it was when I was in the hospital and I KNEW what was going on in my body #my psych in the hospital put me on estrogen only bc pills.#guess what. I felt better within days #I struggle to walk for more than a few minutes

Jodie and Ncuti both deserved better. Neither of them were given good story arcs and some of the episodes were a farce. They both are very skilled actors and play the Doctor their own way…both were incredible. And they both broke through that wall of white guys that has been surrounding media since forever.

Thank you Jodie, thank you Ncuti. You both will forever be the Doctor, which means don’t go too far away😂

#doctor who #jodie whittaker #thirteenth doctor #ncuti gatwa #fifteenth doctor

#poetry #rumi

In the names of Mae Jemison, Christina Koch, Sally Ride, Eileen Collins. Katherine Johnson, Mary Jackson, Dorothy Vaughan, Valentina Tereshkova, Jayme Flowers Coplin, Shannon Lucid, Anna Fisher, Judith Resnik, Rhea Seddon, Kathryn Sullivan, Bonnie Dunbar, Peggy Whitson, Margaret Hamilton, Frances Poppy Northcutt, Joann Morgan, Dorothy Metcalf-Lindenburger, Stephanie Wilson, Tracy Caldwell Dyson, and every other woman who have donned a blue jumpsuit or been part of the crew sending astronauts into orbit….

……Fuck you, NASA.

#nasa #space #spacewalk #international space station #apollo #shuttle #artemis #women in space #artemis iii #is a sausage fest

#friendship #always worth it #mental illness #chronic illness #neurodivergent #audhd #cptsd #I should have realized #i was so foolish and naive #postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome #because I miss my job but can’t go back to it #I loved my job #it would be very bad for me and not good on my ❤️#even though I would still be happy and have a purpose #I stay home and avoid having my physical energy expended as much as possible.#people who can’t be on their feet more than 25 minutes or tachycardia will show up don’t make good teachers.#I just want the world to show me mercy for once

doeberman-deactivated20210530

wait babe before we move on i need to break every barrel in this room to check for hidden items

#you never know!#I found a legendary thing once #it’s satisfying #horizon forbidden west

Precisely

#gay hockey show #heated rivalry #pwhl #don’t touch the wife line #poulin x stacey

I’m done….

I am just done having hope for much of anything anymore. It’s too hard. I give up.

#yes i’m fine #but horrible things keep happening #and have for the last 9 years #and even though I am not the same fruitcake I was #it doesn’t mean that mental health recovery for 5 months #or continued emdr #make any difference to anyone #the world is bending towards fascism and here I am not surprised #perimenopause destroyed my life with what it awakened #chances are I will never step into a classroom again.#the thing I wanted to do my whole life #i LOVED my job #i loved my job but perimenopause crashed into my life in 2017 #i cant hold a job with a full day- I can’t fucking stand for 20 minutes without wobbling and trembling and sweating like a pig #here i am writing this as though someone is going to read this notes on this stupid post #perimenopause made me disappear- and the symptoms for this to start #those stupid fucks in the hospital with their clipboards and medication as the only solution #I have wasted my life trying to fix my life #I pulled my hospital records #you can see complex trauma fucking written all over it #and neurodivergence #you can also see POTS with a high heart rate every time it was taken #here talking to myself because there is no one else #don’t get me started with the incompetent dumbass gynecologist that told me at 43 i was too young for perimenopause #the same guy who told me in a bored who’s next sort of voice i was having a miscarriage #and I am supposed to go to Florida Saturday #and somehow not feel like a massive burden in my wheelchair because I can’t fucking walk far #but hey at least I am not a freak anymore right?#fuck neurodivergence #fuck dysautonomia

livelovecaliforniadreams

Favorite Otps/Pairings: Kevin Arnod & Winnie Cooper (The Wonder Years) “Once upon a time, there was a girl I knew who lived across the street. Brown hair, brown eyes...When she smiled, I smiled. When she cried, I cried. Every single thing that ever happened to me that mattered in some way had to do with her. "

#I started rewatching this #omg I forgot how good it is #it came out in 1988- I didn’t realize it was that early #I haven’t seen most of the episodes until they ran the pilot.#i was 8 years old #the wonder years #winnie cooper #kevin arnold #I shipped them so hard but I didn’t understand back then 😂#heart wrenching and hilarious at the same time

I’m not terribly good at video games and the time I have into Horizon is not indicative of my skill…so I let myself play at any level. I go between Story, Easy, Normal (most often), Hard, and very hard (rarely). I like stretching Aloy’s abilities while at the same time I like feeling totally overpowered…makes me feel like I am really good at something. Plus who the hell wants to farm and have to take time to take the machine down and waste resources while trying to GET resources.

Anyway with the range of difficulties my brain and body throw my way, I try not to feel stupid. I used to broadcast on twitch more, but with my much more withdrawn nature these days it is hard to convince myself. I don’t talk to anyone and any time I feel like posting or sharing something, a good portion of the time I just say “no one cares, Lauren.” Talking to yourself all day can do that. Thanks goes to all my BS medical issues, while watching everyone else benefit from their careers. Regardless, all my shit (AuDHD, (what was once) severe depression and anxiety, CPTSD, POTS, MCAS and hEDS makes me much less than coordinated in multiple facets, so here I am essentially sharing this super cool video and apologizing for not being a gaming goddess. Sigh. Is anyone else like that or am I just a dumpster fire? Ok don’t answer that. Thanks to the two people that read this (probably), you made my day.❤️

#horizon forbidden west #horizon zero dawn #gaming #women gamers #female gamers #audhd #cptsd #video game skill #pots #mcas #heds

I have realized that shredder gauntlets are fun.

Hehe BOOM

#horizon forbidden west #shredder gauntlet #explosions are fun #boomer said the truth!#in Mass Effect I always play an adept #this reminds me of either overloading a target or dangling it with singularity #then throw warp #BOOM #except you don’t have to catch anything for it to be successful

twowheeledtarantula

Responding to your AuDHD post: are you AFAB and in your 30’s? If not just ignore this.

What you are describing is perimenopause. I have literally broken things with my rage, before my hormones were balanced out. Perimenopause shows up much earlier and much stronger in neurodivergents. For years I had severe PMDD , but caused by the decline of estrogen of perimenopause. It actually put me in the hospital. Hormones hit us much harder because along with a drop in estrogen goes dopamine, which I am sure you know is a huge factor in autism and ADHD. Perimenopause symptoms started showing up when I was 36 or 37. I went on a hormonal balance medication at 43. It changed everything. Then I found out I am neurodivergent. I am now 46 and I believe I have crossed over the regular menopause line in the past 18 months. Sorry to bother you if this is bogus.

oh shit. No actually you’re probably on to something here. I’ll go talk to my gyn about it. Thank you so much for this info!

#for my peeps too #perimenopause #audhd