[memestockpile]

dirty rotten scoundrels from the 2004 musical. alter as needed.

did you keep the receipt?

and remember this: you're giving them what they want.

as the poets said: truth is beauty.

and that is all you really need to know.

wherever there's a will there is a way.

nothing cheap or cheesy.

now sit back and watch while i turn up the juice.

extremely rich, eminently corruptible, and a willing infidel. so an american.

she'll think her money was well-spent when in fact it paid the rent on my chateau.

shh. do you want the whole world to know?

forget i said anything.

if you truly want to help, forget everything you have heard tonight.

i couldn't help but overhearing. perhaps i can help. can i help? i'm sure i can help.

i'm sorry, it's just that i find that jewelry usually tends to enhance a woman's beauty. but in your case the opposite is true. it tends to distract from what is already perfection.

you've got to leave them wanting more.

if he's made the front page, how clever can he be?

that judas. what a character, huh?

you must eat something.

to be honest with you i never was very good with money.

gosh, i never knew angels had such beautiful breasts.

rather a dirty trick, isn't it?

you know what it feels like to take a woman for twenty bucks?

i can show you the ropes.

some dames really go for your type.

what was a woman to do?

i couldn't look directly at them, they were that intense.

see, [name], i got this gift. i can just zoom in on someone and know straight off what they want, who they are.

some of us got it, some of us ain't.

i never realized how long my heart had been ignored.

you're in no danger of wisdom teeth.

he had the most amazing eyes that i have ever seen.

oh, for god's sake. anyone else?

well, this is where i get off.

what i hear this place is supposed to be crawling with rich dames just waiting to pickle my beets, if you know what i mean.

i'm considered the town playboy.

would i lie to you?

if you need a place to stay, you're more than welcome.

bon voyage, my friend. [kisses receiver on both cheeks]

listen, lady, i think you may be a little off here.

perhaps a xanex and a half will brighten up my mood.

let's not be greedy, my friend.

don't you ever miss that sense of danger and excitement?

there's something to be said for a bit of chaos now and then.

fun is nothing to be taken lightly.

my god, you can be a spoilsport.

breeding's important, but lighting is everything.

gadzooks, drain the moat!

i bring you this message from abroad. a real interesting broad, too.

man, you are good.

wow! wow! wow! wow! all i can say is wow!

alright, how much do you want?

i thought i'd seen it all.

now i know where i belong. a life of taste and class, with culture and sophistication pouring out my ass.

i'm tired of being a chump.

give me great big stuff!

i want my silver spoon. don't need it right now but i better get it soon!

every day's my birthday.

rap stars'll love me. get me a posse! a'ight?

that fashion plate i date'll give me hummers in my hummer.

that would make me very happy.

i'm gonna get me some real classy shit!

i can finally afford to see a broadway show!

i just want someone to love me... for my money!

i woke up one morning to the frustrating conclusion that all i had to offer the world was taste. and a certain charm. imagination. supreme confidence. classic good looks.

you're a moron.

hey, is that any way to talk to your favorite student?

all i'm asking is you polish me up a little. c'mon, it'll be fun.

you realize i could have you arrested.

ugh, nougat.

a distraction may be just what i need.

i'll take you to the fair. i'll even buy you a pencil.

hey, guys? i'm still in the room.

very well. i'll teach you what i know.

from now on i want you to look in that mirror and see beyond the shallow, one-dimensional creature that's there.

y'know, i'm starting to think this guy doesn't like me.

i tell you, it's madness.

despite all that primpin' you still got a chimp in a suit.

i should know, i'm french!

nothing you do will change that.

i want you to sit quietly and observe while i play her like a violin.

hey, sugerpop. sorry i'm late.

excuse me. did i miss a scene?

aw, look at that, you're gettin' all nervous-like.

it's all so... flat and peaceful and flat.

i know a few tricks with a .30-06. you can watch me blow those li'l fuckers heads clean off!

watch where you step. those cattle eat their share and it's gotta go somewhere.

there's a dairy queen right down the road.

you're gonna fit right in.

alright, honey. now i'm really gonna kick some shit.

come on, sugar, dance with me. you can't just sit there on your keister all night.

ah, cheer up, buckaroo.

do you mind? i'm trying to think.

i'll just show her some of my less desirable qualities. it will be a challenge, but no one's perfect. i mean, there's—well, no, actually. that's quite excellent. still, there's always... [notices their butt in the mirror] my god, it's like the david. [the despair of the flawless] oh, whom are we kidding?

don't worry: he's going to love you as much as i do.

alright, cuddly cuddly.

remember your manners. do you want me to get the genital cuff?

but, darling, it could be a great deal worse.

i know a lot about these places. or i just make it up.

that story works in every century.

i'm in charge of snacks for our neighborhood watch and telemarketing coach for our local pbs.

try to act surprised.

you have a lot of energy, don't you?

maybe i should stay. should i stay? i should stay.

look, they're getting so small in the distance, like tiny little people going away. go, be one of them.

i can't tell you how much this means to me.

let me have love unending. let me look good in shorts.

now i am not a child and [coughs] years have passed.

y'all are peculiar!

i will say we made quite a good team there.

i don't get in jams.

my god, that was easy.

you know what? forget it. i'm outta here.

i've been on my own since i was [age].

thanks, thanks a yahoo. don't worry about me. i'll do just fine.

[mocking receiver] talk like this, walk like that, zip your fly, don't snore at the opera.

i don't even want to have sex and eat bacon for six hours.

i seem to have gotten under your skin. and that's why you'll never make it in this game.

this is an arm's length business, my friend.

yeah? well, as the coasters said, "yakety-yak."

i'm wasting my breath.

you know what? i think you're scared of me. face it, pops, i'm younger than you, i'm charminger than you, and i'm better looking than you.

alright, now you've gone too far.

my boy, you wouldn't last two minutes.

fifty thousand dolla—yeah, sure. i could use a little pocket money.

i'm so happy to be here.

lord knows i have the will and the resources.

i may be late, but here i am!

i promise i'll find my marbles soon.

these fries are french!

so veni vidi vici, folks. let's face it, je suis ici, folks!

i'm letting my je'n'sais quoi out.

i can't believe i'm telling my troubles to a total stranger.

see? now we're not strangers anymore.

my problem isn't physical. it's emotional.

i'm afraid what i have is... dance fever.

i'm almost afraid to hope.

nothing is too wonderful to be true.

the age of miracles comes every hour on the hour.

turn any corner there's something new.

some people say i'm a silly goof.

it's an amazing world in which we live and i've got livin' proof.

magic can happen anywhere. i knew this guy at camp who ate his t-shirt on a dare. sometimes our publix sells bogo ragu!

relax, my friend, we both know my intimate relationship with lady luck.

you have so much to live for. you can't give up now.

look at that, you're all wet.

gosh, that sounds so formal. just call me [nickname].

who is the one person in the world you would most like to see at this moment?

whoa, whoa, whoa. hold on. didn't we do this part already?

small world, yes?

tickle, tickle, tickle.

well, ain't that a shame.

for many years this system has been working like a charm.

that's lovely, my boy.

let's all yodel!

like nylon sheets with static come!

it's who i am. it's what i do.

i am traveling incognito.

you can't win 'em all.

i've done community theatre. perhaps i can be of some help.

i must warn you, my dear, i am quite the master at the art of seduction. [tries and fails to sexily light a cigarette; instead pulls out a pack of juicy fruit] gum?

a little moonlight would be nice.

no, please, quibble with me.

you like zat?

welcome to my house, be it ever so humble.

come on, alley-oop.

they say in the old days a happy couple would come up here, take each other in their arms, and dance away the worries of the day.

i do that a lot.

i know it's difficult, but we must be strong.

here it is, boy, so give it a chance.

let's guffaw in his gu-face.

no more "i don't"s, no more "i won't"s, no more "i can't"s.

listen, you big vienna sausage—!

alright, if you just want to sit there and miss all the fun.

gee, that would be playing kinda dirty, wouldn't it? ...cool.

can i have a little kiss goodnight?

the bet's off.

nobody's falling for anybody. it's simply a question of professional ethics.

you've been running this game so long i think you've finally conned yourself.

a woman like her would never give herself to a man like you.

loser leaves town.

i'm in love with you.

now come to me, soldier.

now you get on that bed!

we all love you.

no wonder they call you a genius.

everything turned out the way you said it would.

come, my boy. you've had an exhausting evening. i will take you home to rest.

no! no! no! no! no! shit!

cool hat.

how do you plan to do that when i'm gonna be sticking to you like melted cheese from now on?

trust me, i'll take care of everything for you.

i just did what anyone would do.

i never knew people like you existed.

believe me, i'm no saint.

love sneaks in when everything seems quiet.

you're a wonderful man.

i'm starting to think someone put alcohol in that champagne.

i'll never forget the generous hospitality of you showing me the sights of your little town or the heat of you riding me cross-eyed like some glorious, bucking french stallion.

you are quite the woman of the world.

you open a map and close your eyes and point and think "maybe there." so you pack your bags full of dreams and go, only... those bags can get awfully heavy after awhile.

i just couldn't leave without seeing you again.

i mean, i am pretty loveable.

it's going to my head. i mean the one below my waist.

my dear, what's the matter?

except for the little concussion, it was quite romantic.

what kind of man would do something like that?

i don't feel good about taking your money.

if you're ever in [location], would you give me a call?

you're the kind of man that gives swindling a bad name.

and here i am, some schmuck in a robe.

i mean, come on, she gave me tongue!

she played you like a pair of dice.

i too have often been grateful for the power of a mild antihistamine.

magazine, peanuts, toblerone? i could blow up your little neck pillow.

i'll miss you only if you leave.

if only we had some sign, some way to be sure.

it may be time to go back home for awhile.

it's important to be artful in your exit.

it was a shame it couldn't last.

a splendid way to earn a dime for a dirty rotten guy like me.

it's almost a religion.

take comfort in the fact that you've been working with the best.

you've got the guts.

what you lack in grace you more than make up for in vulgarity.

you're a smooth guy. you'll always be the best.

gawd, what a hike.

we'll make a big pitcher of sangria and talk.

sometimes you get homesick for the darndest things.

let's get that greek.

they'll never beat three of a kind.

wait a minute, where's my wallet?

[memestockpile]

jaws from the 1975 film. alter as needed.

i can swim. i just can't walk or undress myself.

there in the yahd, not too fah from the cah. how's that?

i got bit by a vampire.

those swings are dangerous. stay off there.

i think you're gonna live.

it's not the prettiest thing i've ever seen.

look, i reported it to you, didn't i?

your folks were born here, right?

here for the summer?

you're up awful early.

look what the kids did to my fence.

come on, you kook.

we're really a little anxious that you're rushing into something serious here.

we've never had that kind of trouble.

that's not what you told me over the phone.

i don't think you appreciate the reaction people have to these things.

let me see your fingers. they're beginning to prune.

just ten more minutes.

[name], you are uptight.

everybody out!

i can't argue with you. i can't talk to you.

this is turning into a contest.

let's have some order.

i don't think that's funny at all.

it ain't gonna be easy.

i value my neck a lot more than $3,000.

oh, god, you scared me.

you're not going to be able to go to sleep tonight.

want to get drunk and fool around?

get out of the boat.

i don't want that to happen, you know that.

let's stop before someone reports us.

take my word for it.

give me your hand.

can we go home now?

hello, back, young feller. how are you?

say, i hope you're not going out with those nuts, are you?

watch it. that's dynamite.

you ain't going.

can you tell me if there's a good restaurant or hotel here?

they're all gonna die.

you've got to get somebody to help us.

these are your people. go talk to them.

the best thing for me to do is to see the remains of the first victim.

just bear with me, will you?

they'll wish their fathers had never met their mothers.

get away from there, you goddamn fool!

this was no boating accident.

do not smoke in here. thank you very much.

call [name] and tell him he owes me a favor.

guys, could we please get organized? i want to get a picture.

we can start breathing again.

you stuff your friggin' head in there, man.

there are all kinds of sharks in the waters. hammerheads, white tips, blues, makos…

come here. give us a kiss.

the door was open.

can i get you some coffee?

i've never heard it quite put that way.

i love sharks.

i heard it on the news.

you'll be the only rational man left after i leave tomorrow.

i guess it's a childhood thing. there's a clinical name for it, isn't there?

it's just a theory that i happen to agree with.

then why don't we have one more drink?

i can do anything. i'm the chief of police.

you got a bigger problem than that.

i'm not drunk enough to go on a boat.

there's so many problems, you never feel like you're accomplishing anything. violence, rip-offs, muggings.

in twenty-five years, there's never been a shooting or a murder in this town.

want a pretzel?

can you get the late show on this thing?

who pays for all this stuff?

it doesn't make sense for a guy who hates the water to live on an island.

it's only an island if you look at it from the water.

don't worry, [name]. nothing's gonna happen.

what am i supposed to do while you're gone?

don't touch any of the equipment. i'll be back in two minutes.

i had an accident.

i know that you are going to ignore this problem until it swims up and bites you on the ass!

i want those little bastards caught and hung up by their buster browns.

i won't waste my time arguing with a man who's lining up to be a hot lunch.

it's really a miracle of evolution.

you'd love to prove that. get your name into the national geographic.

this will be the best summer we've ever had.

i don't like you no more.

thought i saw a shadow.

"amity" means "friendship."

i can't do a damn thing

doesn't anybody have a gun?

how's my big kid?

you can watch television.

want anything from home? what about ice cream?

that's why you're gonna do the right thing.

you try this. made it myself.

here's to swimming with bow-legged women.

can't get a good man these days under sixty.

i'm not talking about pleasure boating or day-sailing. i'm talking about working for a living.

just tie me a sheepshank.

you got city hands. you been counting money all your life.

i don't need this. i don't need this working class hero crap.

maybe i should go alone.

you're on board my vessel. i'm mate, master, pilot, and i'm captain.

what are you, some kind of half-assed astronaut?

jesus h. christ!

did you take your dramamine?

better get it right, squirt… or i throw your ass out the window.

this ain't no boy scout picnic.

what the hell kind of a knot was that?

nothing's easy, is it?

get behind me.

duck your head down.

i don't want you to drown me!

[name], you idiot!

if you don't want to backstroke home, you get down here.

you don't want to listen to me, don't listen to me.

don't you tell me my business again.

that doesn't prove a damn thing.

it proves that you wealthy college boys don't have the education enough to admit when you're wrong.

aye, aye, sir.

i don't have to take this abuse much longer.

your head's bleeding.

stop playing with youself.

you're gonna need a bigger boat.

foreground, my ass!

come here, come here, darlin'.

i've never steered a boat in my life.

don't screw up now.

don't wait for me.

you want to see something permanent? you want to feel something permanent? just put your hand underneath my cap. you feel that little lump?

i got that beat.

i got the creme de la creme. right here. hold on. here, you see that?

a tattoo. i got that removed.

you know, a thing about a shark, he's got… lifeless eyes. black eyes, like a doll's eyes. when he comes at you, he doesn't seem to be living… until he bites you.

that was the time i was most frightened.

[starts singing "show me the way to go home"]

i've seen fingers torn out at the knuckles.

whole sea's bones, full of them.

i'm gonna make a phone call.

that's great! that's just great! now, where the hell are we?! you're certifiable, [name]! you know that?! you're certifiable!

lad, you watch him now.

pull, you son of a bitch!

you got any better suggestions?

i think the tide's with us.

[memestockpile]

running on empty from the 1988 film. alter as needed.

hang in there, man.

come in, it's only a game.

if you don't like it, why do you do it?

i can't remember nothing. my brain's a sieve.

you think they'll really listen to us?

the study group's at my place on thursday.

the nerve those assholes have.

let's blow this pop stand. i'm starving.

get into bed!

i'm going to wash my hair.

what's "elude" mean?

they look kind of uptight.

that's how legends are made.

what's his iq, 49?

there's food for you.

what's the matter, kid?

i just feel kind of lousy, you know?

you're supposed to feel that way at [age].

it's terrific not recognizing yourself when you look in the mirror.

it's wonderful having a new name every six months.

maybe this time i could shave my head.

we just put our back issues on microfilm.

mm-hm. sit right over there.

tuna? yuck!

this card is an antique.

hey, kid? you, what's your name?

what's your mother's name? i'm waiting.

what the hell's your problem?

you can wear the thrift shop ones. the new ones have to be washed first.

sorry about this afternoon.

the lady loved me.

i wish it was easier.

there's nothing left to go back to now.

we're all that's left. we have to hang on to each other.

i packed them, but i can't find them.

i'd probably lose my head if it weren't screwed on.

at least we know you're not deaf.

well, that's, uh, a matter of opinion, not a fact.

you can't dance to beethoven.

we'll have to find an instrument for you.

play something.

radical!

april can be cold up here.

did you make the team?

we have to chop some firewood on saturday.

good. just tell them something. otherwise, they'll keep bugging you.

how about you, small stuff?

you're not the poster child for mental health.

it might come in handy.

my dear, how will you contribute to this false capitalist economy?

looks like we all got what we wanted.

i belong here. how about you?

the door was open.

you're strange.

i didn't feel like having my picture taken with those subhumans.

you're very good, you know.

i want to go to school there. my mother's afraid i'll get mugged.

my older brother is the virtuoso. he does everything right.

what do you mean, yeah?

you're certifiable.

mr. [receiver last name], i'd like a word with you.

you're talented, but that doesn't give you the right to act like a criminal. is that clear?

what is this, some sort of smart-ass joke?

[my father thinks] you're the best thing since sliced bread.

don't let him scare you.

they're boring as hell. you wanna come?

fucking chamber music.

all it is is just a lot of people sitting around in ties and pantyhose.

when did you become the minister of culture?

are you out of your mind?

you think you're cute, [name], but you're full of shit.

don't talk to me like that.

you taught me to question authority!

who do you think you are, general patton?

there's some people i want you to meet.

you don't have to explain.

finish your milk.

you're very confusing. sometimes you can be so straight, then you turn around and you're like that.

polite is phony.

don't you ever want to say, "cut the shit"?

i thought this was my room.

the doctor will see you now.

god, that was a long time ago.

i think about you. i hope you're safe.

it's kind of like you're leading a regular life.

i'm a good liar. but i'm tired.

that's all you got to say to this guy that drove 800 miles to see you?

how come i feel so uneasy?

let's take a walk.

you're out of your fucking mind! i don't owe you a goddamn thing!

that's not the impression you gave me.

now get back in the house.

you can stay the night, but when i get back, i don't want to see these within ten miles of my house.

a lot of bad shit's happened. a lot of bad shit keeps happening.

the pigs or the media only pay attention when somebody or something gets blown away.

if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

well, do you think we'll win this by turning the other cheek?

why don't you try walking on water?

no. the war didn't end. the war ain't ever gonna end.

this has nothing to do with politics.

you're an [age]-year-old infant. everything has to be your way, doesn't it?

you're not a revolutionary.

that requires more than playing with guns or with yourself. it requires compassion, discipline.

you judge yourself, lady.

you're living a lie.

you can get the fuck out.

i was really surprised when you called me.

i wasn't sure if you liked me or not.

sometimes you're so... distant.

i usually don't follow people i don't like for ten miles into the middle of the woods.

why are you so angry?

you scare a lot of people.

a lot of people scare me.

what's wrong with being nice?

they see what they want to see and they block out everything else.

that doesn't sound so bad.

so what about you? i don't know a thing about you. you might as well have sprung full-grown out of the head of zeus.

i showed you mine. you show me yours.

i thought it'd be nicer down here.

you don't transmit too much information.

you hold the knife, and you just do that.

i don't want pieces of tiny fingers in my stew.

that was delicious, babe. you outdid yourself.

you must forgive me, darling. i couldn't make one of those jell-o molds.

now, look at this, son.

i'm old enough to set the house on fire.

it's a little family tradition resulting from a particularly good lsd trip i took.

they didn't switch you at the hospital, did they?

sing it, honey.

that's you all over.

hit the sack.

i'm very happy with you.

you don't have to look so anxious.

i was thinking of taking a year off, maybe traveling to europe.

i'd be happy to write you a letter of recommendation.

get up, go down the stairs, and out the back door. i'll be right behind you.

you're a bully.

i've been doing this since i was [age]. i don't know any other way.

i wanted to explain why i can't talk about a lot of things.

i just couldn't stop myself.

you have a lot of secrets, don't you?

the smart ones are always the best.

could you knock next time?

they probably got eaten by a computer or something.

would you please close the door?

yeah, well, we're not the rockefellers.

would you like some coffee?

we always manage.

i just love you.

you like it? i traded the van in for it.

don't call me that.

why doesn't he keep his goddamn nose out of your business?

shit. goddamn fucking shit!

i never even let myself think about this. god, i was so stupid.

all i wanted was that we would be together.

it isn't fair. it isn't goddamn fair.

it won't help to beat yourself up.

you're a beautiful, bright, and caring kid.

we should turn ourselves in.

you can only get through this one day, one hour at a time.

this tooth is killing me.

i always worry when you go into the city.

sometimes it gets too quiet.

don't worry, unless you don't hear anything.

be careful, alright?

you always make me feel so guilty.

i need you to make a phone call for me.

you can call the cops if you want to.

look, um. i'm sorry. this is hard for me, too.

i didn't come here to defend myself or talk politics.

it was my idea. i'm living with the consequences.

do you ever think about us?

do you really have to ask that?

my god, [name], why did you throw it all away?

there's some irony in this, don't you think?

we're too old for this.

i didn't kill anybody.

i'm sorry that i've caused you so much pain.

did [name] put you up to this?

cover your tracks. you hear me?

just like that?

you can't keep running away from something you had nothing to do with. you deserve your own chance.

you were letting your feelings affect your judgment.

if there's a problem, meet at the picnic area near route 80.

we're a unit!

i don't want to hear you talking about this in front of them.

could you help me with this zipper, dear?

imagine the luck.

i'm going out for a smoke.

we don't have much time.

all families break up.

why do you have to carry the buden of someone else's life?

i love you. but i have to go.

i don't know how to say goodbye.

you're on your own, kid.

but i want to go with you.

we'll see you again. you can be sure.

i love you, baby. we all love you. now go out there and make a difference.

we tried. and don't let anyone tell you any different.

[memestockpile]

to wong foo, thanks for everything! julie newmar from the 1995 film. alter as needed.

ready or not, here comes mama.

i was overwhelmed with my own sense of majesty.

what can i say? my heart is full.

i'm just so excited i could spit.

i feel that i am a handmaiden to a miracle.

now, go and scandalize this country, girlfriend.

little latin boy in drag, why are you crying?

now, little one, what is your name?

i wanted to win this so much because i never won nothing.

every time i do something, i get it wrong and somebody's always laughing at me.

maybe i'll meet somebody nice who will rescue me.

i'm a loser. i hate my life, i hate myself, i hate everything!

don't be giving me that bleeding-heart look.

i'm not going upstairs with you.

i ain't driving you no more, miss daisy.

not on your young, queer life.

so much for spirited debate.

there's a hint of the romantic in there.

i want you to sit right here. we'll be right back.

you don't want to get mixed up in that mess.

i must admit i am shocked and just a little saddened by you.

darling, i cannot be held responsible for that.

i wish i was as beautiful as you.

oh, you speak french. how bi.

i'm like a compass near north.

that is totally out of our league.

my cars are my children.

are we discussing driving from new york to los angeles?

no one say anything frivolous for a few moments, i am having a significant experience.

there is something about a cadillac convertible that brings out my eyes.

i feel like miss jayne mansfield in this.

believe it or not, it's my hometown.

how come you never told us you were rich?

next time you give something like this up, call me, i'll take it.

maps are cheating.

this is unbecoming.

instincts, my dear.

when a gay man has way too much fashion sense for one gender, he is a drag queen.

you have huge potential and you are squandering it!

so now, i want you to turn your little self around and get back in this car.

p to r to the in to the cess! i'm a princess!

you still have a lot to learn.

does everything have to be a joke?

i'm so tied, i wish i were dead.

i don't know. it's just so middle america.

i've got to sleep in a real bed.

live life before it lives you.

take a picture, it'll last longer.

we're staying in this no-tell motel, so be quiet.

i love to be wined and dined.

do you know what it is like to be so horribly alone and have a chance at specialness and… to fail?

we are sensitive people and we can imagine such things.

pumpkin, we’re back.

we have a problem that only you can help us with.

can’t go nowhere without a rabbit's foot.

are you making fun of me?

that's all subtext.

let's go get something to eat.

your beauty lures men to their rocky deaths.

darling, i can’t be held responsible for that.

quick, someone create a disturbance.

where the freak are we?

oh, what in gay hell?

this could prove problematic.

all the other children used to laugh and call me names.

there are more important things than money.

don't be putting on airs with me and whatnot.

get ahold of your bad self.

you know what i hate? when life just befuddles you. like war, and hatred, and fear. i mean, i don’t get it.

we are dead meat.

my life is always horrible, just sometimes, i get a warm bed.

christ, you're tall.

i bet you were the brightest in your class.

don't get an attitude.

lovely night. look at those stars.

i could be in a comfortable, climate-controlled environment on a transcontinental airline, enjoying my individual package of peanuts and my warm towel. i can't believe i let you talk me out of my airline ticket to be stuck in a broken car in the middle of nowhere!

well, i’ll be cow-kicked.

this weekend has nightmare written all over it.

you got to say stuff like that to be polite.

you know lots. you sure are something.

if you saw pictures of me in high school, i guarantee it would curl your hair.

after all we've done to include you, you would leave us so quickly?

i am hereby stripping you of all your princess points.

ooh, that's voodoo. that's cold.

i got more legs than a bucket of chicken.

you seem a little tired so i'll leave you be.

why do i feel like i'm in the tournament of roses parade?

your mother.

what are we gonna do now, miss know-it-all?

what are you gawking at?

if i was your bread, would you be my butter?

my god. this is my idea of hell!

we will make the most of it.

there's nothing interesting here for you, you're from new york city.

let's just all suck it up and make this place tolerable, ok?

if you won't do something, i will!

they used to take us troubled kids into the country for picnics.

looksies, no feelsies.

that's how you pick up a lady.

you are going to have a shiner.

you're very observant.

i think that maybe you'd better just let me finish this alone.

good one, darling.

that little run you took me on really took a lot out of me. not that i'm not in shape or anything, but…

those boys didn't hurt you, did they?

look at your eyes. they're as blue as window cleaner.

this nail polish is fierce.

no sooner is a moment noticed then it is gone, child.

life ain't something to be avoided.

that was so brave what you did back there.

you were a regular knight in shining whatever.

that's so romantical.

if you were my girl, you'd never cry for anything, except maybe from happiness.

you said a mouthful there, boy.

i'm the eldest in my family, too.

you can be anything you want.

you might want to set your sights a tiny bit higher.

i'm gonna tell you because i knew i could trust you, being as you're not a big talker and everything.

this is something i ain't told nobody, not even [name].

pearl bailey's birthday should be a national holiday.

you're not gonna start walking across water and making the blind see, are you?

you do this to make me sad. why do you want to make me mad?

i've never heard that expression before.

it's like living in a tex avery cartoon.

baby, you are a whole lot of woman.

i hardly think you're the man to give it to me.

i think you should apologize to me.

here it is, a faultless saturday afternoon, and you ain't got nothing better to do but be standing on a street corner, acting the fool.

go home, take a bath, comb your hair, and please put on a clean shirt when you step outside.

it's an affront to the very delicacy of my nature.

hello, you handsome thing.

look! they're from the sixties! there's a whole bunch of it, and there's something for everybody.

this book has been sort of a bible for me.

check yourself, [name], before you wreck yourself.

we should play these. the air should be filled with music.

come on. dance with me.

i've got a secret romance.

i have fallen into a norman rockwell illustration.

what a coinky-dinky.

let me tell you, my papi is built like a brick.

hon, do you, like, ever not cry in this room?

i spy with my little eye.

is that who you have your little brown roots set on?

well, i declare.

don't be so sensitive.

you're not my mama and you can't stop me.

this is about jealousy because i'm going out with a cute boy and you ain't.

there are human rules by which we operate, sweetheart.

you are an uptight, cellulite, fossil-face, cracker witch.

when i look at you, it makes me want to throw up.

there are times when you help people and then there are times when if you help people, you end up being killed, so you don't help people.

there's a fine line between trust and stupidity.

you need to mind your own business.

you listen here, and stop your soapboxing.

this is like what nuns wear when they're off duty.

i'd pull keanu reeves out of a burning pile.

you go ahead, girl. you're gonna get screwed.

sometimes i think we should just get rid of all the men.

my goodness. you're always on time.

how could i disappoint you? i'm your knight in a shiny pick-up, remember?

my whole life i've always wanted someone who will understand how i felt inside and someone who would hold me for always and then you showed up and you were it.

you make me feel like the most perfect girl.

you are the perfect girl. you're beautiful. you've got class, glamour.

i really respect that. i do.

that was so very generous of you, putting someone else's needs before your own.

it's alright, baby. i deserved it.

i've got a broken heart for every light on broadway and when one goes out, i just screw in another one.

i have lived in apartments that weren't half as big as these pores.

just ignore your old auntie [sender name].

we're hoping to inspire a romance, not a dry hump.

you can and you will, darling.

baby, you got the look.

do that eye thing i taught you.

this is the first time i've felt so much life.

wow. you look really pretty.

i've waited [number] years to ask you this.

i have cookies!

sometimes it just takes a fairy.

i wouldn't be lying if i were to say that i was really gonna miss you.

if we're going to be friends, there really is something i should tell you.

you look like the miami sound machine just exploded all over you.

give me a kiss, big boy.

now i realize that you gotta take chances. because you never know.

when i find my honest and true love, i'm never gonna let him go.

everything i touch doesn't turn into caca.

i can tell you one thing about them founding fathers of america. they sure had fabulous wigs.

i want you to believe in yourself, imagine good things, and moisturize. i cannot stress this enough.

i'll guard it with my life.

you ruin my language and i still love you.

i want you to have this.

i used to dream of getting out of here.

important moments demand important designers.

i think of you as an angel.

larger than life is just the right size.

god is a drag queen!

[memestockpile]

ghostbusters 2 from the 1989 film. alter as needed.

jesus! why don't you watch where you're going?

i ain't the doorman.

you're also a human being.

it's not my job, but what the hell, i'll do you a favor.

i hope you can handle it. it's been like a nightmare.

why don't we all sit down and we'll have fun.

you know, my dad says you guys are full of crap.

let's go get a beer, alright?

the holidays are coming up. it's our best season.

ghostbusters don't exist.

ungrateful little yuppie larvae.

yeah, but what a ride.

it's just in science, we always look for the simplest explanation.

i've been gradually increasing the temperature in the room.

i'd like to bring [name] in on this, if you don't mind.

we didn't part on very good terms.

send in the puppy, please.

i'd rather you didn't mention any of this to [name], if you don't mind.

i predict that the world will end at the stroke of midnight on new year's eve.

just devil's advocate.

this is not just some money-making scheme, all right?

for your sake, i hope you're right.

valentine's day. bummer.

i received this information from an alien.

this is the best we could do at such short notice.

they think you're a fraud.

aren't you supposed to lie to me and kiss my butt?

everything you're doing is bad.

you be careful there, alright?

i make pretty good cocktails, don't i?

do i have bad breath or something?

my best to the coven.

i bet those science chicks really dig that large cranium of yours, huh?

let's close this place up so you can buy me a calzone.

uh, well, we're just kind of... ahem, checking something out for an old friend.

my [friend/relative first and last name]?

hey, no problem. always glad to help. and hug.

i know i'm just asking for the big hurt but i thought i'd give us one more chance.

okay, sweetheart, now they're gonna take a look at you.

you ever done this before?

i heard he ditched you and ran off to europe.

you know, you’d have been better off marrying me.

i'm sensitive. i need to feel loved. i need to be desired.

i may have a lot of personal problems, but i'm a total professional when it comes to my job.

my parents didn't believe in toys.

you know, i should have been your father.

you're ripe, señor.

you poor, poor man.

i don't have a lot of experience with babies.

so, what, brainiac?

we're scientists, excuse us. get out of the way!

i think we hit the honeypot.

who told you to stop cutting?

what's it look like we're doing here? why don't you let us work? we let you work.

what have i been doing? while you were getting coffee for an hour, i've been digging a big hole in the middle of the street.

now is the season of evil.

it's a river of slime!

come on! get me out of this hole!

go back to sleep, darling.

i happened to be here in this neighborhood and i thought that i would stop by to see how is it with you.

oh, but i "woo"-ed.

do you need anything? do you want me to come in?

well, hey, you. don't let the bedbugs bite.

the law does not recognize the existence of ghosts and i don't believe in them either.

it's all in the hands of our lawyer now.

i got my law degree at night school.

violating a judicial restraining order, willful destruction of public property, fraud, malicious mischief.

you'll never take us alive.

very good, [name]. short but pointless.

i never saw anything like this in my life.

it'll never happen again.

there's so many holes in first avenue we really didn't think anybody would notice.

keep that up, mister, i'll find you in contempt.

there are some things in this world that go way beyond human understanding. things that cannot be explained, things that most people don't wanna know about. that is where we come in.

kitten, i think what i'm saying is that sometimes shit happens, someone has to deal with it, and who you gonna call?

you play on the gullibility of innocent people.

if my hands weren't tied by the unalterable fetters of the law then i would invoke the tradition of our illustrious forebears, reach back to a purer, sterner justice and have you burned at the stake!

don't talk to me. talk to my attorney.

you're next, bubbles.

i always hated this part of the business.

i hope it still works.

come on, you big meanie.

we're the best! we're the beautiful! we're back!

it's that darn ghost again.

what? hold on. half-price? have we all gone mad?

oh, you mean the hot beverage thermal mug and free balloons for the kids?

you! you worthless piece of slime!

i have seen some disgusting crud in my time, but you take the cake.

this is what you do with your spare time?

whatever this stuff is, it responds to human emotional states.

like a cop in a doughnut factory.

you're not sleeping with it, are you, [name]?

oh, you. it's always the quiet ones. you hound.

jeez. you guys do this at night when i'm not here?

oh, baby! oh, you're my number one christmas boutique gift item.

i'm a big, big fan of yours.

you're good, pretty eyes.

aren't you going to introduce me to your friend?

yes, i have seen you on the television.

you're not here on business, i hope?

it's top-secret.

i hate this painting. i've felt uncomfortable ever since it came up from storage.

not with that attitude, pal. okay?

i get it. you're sweet on this hunky stud, aren't you?

i think we got more food on your shirt than we did in your mouth.

i didn't know where else to go.

there was all this pink ooze everywhere.

okay, you're alright. i'm not gonna let them get you. alright. you're all safe now, okay?

yes, darling. i'm so sorry.

come on. just sit down. i'll get a shirt or something. hold on.

well, that's great! i mean, that's terrible.

ooh. nice ugly history.

be an excellent time for you to start practicing a thing we big guys like to call self-control.

you're gonna be staying at uncle [sender name]'s until this thing blows over.

what's best for me is if i lie on my side like this and you spoon up beside me, your arm draped over me. we do it the other way, i get your hair caught in my throat and i choke in the night.

you're short. your belly button sticks out too far.

found it in magicians, martyrs, and madmen. dig that.

death is but a door. time is but a window. i'll be back.

we got a report there was a major creep in the area. we checked our list, and you were right on the top.

give me angry. you've had a bad day. you're cranky. yeah, thank you. good, good. ooh, angrier. i'm scared. you're scaring me. stop it. yeah. good! okay, walk for me, talk for me. yeah, yeah! okay, give me hot and sexy. can you do it? you can. oh, boy. show me some teeth. come on. i bet the girls like you, huh? do the girls? do the guys? bet they both do, huh? what about the animals? they like you? that's it, more! yeah, come on! you're big, you're big. all right, destroy me. destroy me! yeah! destroy me. yeah, yeah! give it, give it!

you are supposed to get dressed and get crazy with me on the streets of manhattan. i've also brought some things from your apartment. some wardrobe choices. a couple of provocative ensembles in here.

don't put any of those old cheap moves on me, okay?

you're gonna have the whole place to yourself tonight, pal.

will you tell me next time you’re gonna do that, though, please?

there's not just clean and dirty. there are many subtle levels, okay?

the guys are going down into the sewer to check for slime stuff.

forget about cockroaches. it's the subway rats you gotta worry about.

okay, i'm out of here.

uh-huh. did i tell you? i wasn't lying, was i?

speaking of breaking up with neat guys, why did you dump me?

heck, i'm not even good for me.

you're much better than you realize. you don't give yourself enough credit.

i could whip myself into shape by the end of this century.

you're very good with children.

so you wanna play boggle or super mario brothers?

you better watch your mouth or i'll punch your lights out.

it's go time, man! i want you bad!

stop, stop. get your clothes off quick. strip.

you're scaring the straights.

i was gonna tell you between the dessert and the cheese course.

the proton pack is not a toy.

we watched some tv and had something to eat and then and one thing led to another.

what is this? a slumber party?

you've got two minutes. make it good.

i'm just sorry we always meet under these circumstances.

what we're trying to tell you is, like, all the bad feelings, i mean, all the hate, the anger and violence of this city is turning into this sludge.

if we don't do something fast, this whole place is gonna blow like a frog on a hot plate.

being miserable and treating other people like dirt is every new yorker's god-given right.

i don't know why beautiful women love horses so much. do you love horses?

it's very potent stuff.

[name]. sweetheart. i thought i'd lost you, that i'd never see you again.

hello, [name]. i thought you might come.

the park bench was chasing you?

well, better late than never.

have you tried dynamite?

i spent an hour last night in my bedroom talking to fiorello la guardia, and he's been dead for 40 years.

oh, come on. there's always room for jell-o.

yet i think that perhaps you and i could learn… to love each other?

there's gotta be a few sparks of sweet humanity left in this burned-out burg.

i was born to wear this stuff.

stay fit. keep sharp. make good decisions.

i love you when you roughhouse!

boy, am i glad to see you.

that's all right, my friend. i think i had an accident too.

i did it! i did it! that was great!

you stay here and don't say anything, okay?

i have met some dumb blondes in my life, but you take the taco, pal.

hey, man, let me tell you something. i love you.

[memestockpile]

paper moon from the 1973 film. alter as needed.

it wouldn't be make-believe if you believed in me.

no kin, huh?

bless you, child.

just passing through town.

if ever a child needed a friend, you're the one that does.

i just know your ass is still warm.

i'm going to have to be going. it's a long way to [location].

wouldn't exactly call it a chariot.

i never traveled with no child before.

in the eyes of the lord, i have no choice.

god works in mysterious ways.

better get your things together.

i'm going that way, honey.

you just stay out here til i come for you.

don't you say a word unless i ask you to.

what are you trying to pull?

i don't care where you're going to go.

couple thousand dollars would be acceptable.

you sure these tires are new?

i don't suppose you can wait here by yourself, can you?

you hungry? you want a nehi and a coney island?

you're going to like the train.

before you know it, you'll be asleep in a nice warm house, and all your troubles will be over.

what are you making trouble for?

well, don't the world have a wild imagination?

of course i ain't your pa.

look, i know how you feel.

it's my money you got, and i want it.

hold on, now, just hold on. let me explain something to you.

so just get that out of your head.

i want my money.

i heard you through the door talking to that man.

i don't care what those neighbor ladies said.

eat that damn thing, you hear?

just because a man meets a woman in a bar don't mean he's your pa!

we got the same jaw.

for god's sakes, child.

you think everybody gets met in a barroom gets a baby?

anything is possible, but possible don't make it true.

you know what the trouble is with you? you got no appreciation.

where do you think you'd be without me?

i didn't have to take you, but i took you.

you just lie down in the seat and be quiet. folks don't take to children when they’re doing business.

alright, i think that's fair enough.

i just don't know how to put into words the sense of sorrow that i feel.

it’s good to be back in old manhattan.

ain't you gonna go to sleep?

i don't want to sound catty.

you're too young to smoke.

you're gonna set this whole place on fire.

better than i've felt in a long time.

you don't like me, do you?

sure we can, honey.

my mama's gone to the lord.

it's just the two of us now.

you let us know if there's anything we can do.

hold on, there. wait one damn minute.

honey, we have to have a little goodness in our hearts considering the circumstances.

how'd you like to do a little business with me?

don't get nervous. i'll pay you back.

you're looking at me like i'm out to cheat you or something.

turn off that radio! you're like to drive us all deaf.

maybe i'll be a big shot... in an average way, of course.

maybe you don't know french, but there's something in this world called "fine-esse."

you could've had me put in jail.

don't you go making the decisions. i make the decisions.

all you got to do is look like a pretty little girl.

that ain't quite what i had in mind.

you look real nice.

i'm just as old as i look.

this old wallet of mine is about to bust its sides.

i’m afraid i'd have to see it to believe it.

come on, you're pulling my leg.

you don't have to take it if you don't want to.

[receiver's name]. what a sweet little name.

we got to look out for one another.

get the map. find out where the nearest depot is.

if i stay with you, i'll spend the rest of my life in jail.

you've got an excuse for everything because you blame me for everything.

you should have told me.

you sweet thing.

sometimes i just don't know, with all the old doodly-doo.

i want to go to your place.

you trying to keep secrets from me? you got diamonds and rubies in there?

alright, boy, you're next.

no reason to get that sore.

yeah, well, i'm looking you straight in the eye, and i think you're beautiful.

maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea we get you fixed up a little bit. get you a new outfit, a fancy new hat, or something.

there. now don't you bother me any more.

can you come have your photo took with me?

seen it half a dozen times.

i ain't about to leave some poor little child stranded in the middle of nowhere.

i got scruples, too, you know.

i don't know what it is, but if you got them, i sure bet they belong to somebody else.

hey there, my little turtle-dove.

i don't want you smoking.

that's because you don't know everything.

that's what you're always talking about, ain't it? helping other people out.

you silly old thing. you know that's not true.

ask me real nice, maybe i'll tell you about that sometime.

well, you got to be from somewhere.

just like that little white speck on top of old chicken shit.

i just hope there's no snakes around here.

the right kind of dress makes all the difference in the face.

you know, a person can tell his whole life on what his bone structure is.

little children do not tell grown-ups what to do with their lives.

must have a bladder like a peanut.

ain't good to have a sad face.

hey, would you like a coloring book?

come on, let's see you smile.

kiddo, i understand how you feel. you don't have to worry.

when i was your age, i was skinnier than a pole.

i'll let you put on my earrings.

right now you’re going to pick your little ass up, you're going to drop it in the backseat, and you’re going to cut out the crap, you understand?

i'm going to level with you, okay?

even if i want a fella, somehow or other i manage to get it screwed up.

i felt compelled to turn the hose on myself.

canopy. can of peas. they rhyme, you know?

i knew you'd get it if i explained it to you.

i got us an idea. come on in here, and i'll tell you.

oh-wee, you're crazy.

the little two-bit bum nerve of that guy!

you're better looking than dick powell.

some sweets for the sweet.

some girls say i'm a pretty smooth dancer myself.

you sure this is going to work?

they ain't bad for waffles.

i think i'll go upstairs and polish my shoes.

you sure this is going to work?

keep your fingers crossed.

i'll come up later tonight when the moon is full.

i'm on my way, sweetheart.

you won't be sorry.

well, then, don't you look pretty?

you don't go around babbling, do you? it's important to me right now not to get talked about.

hey, now do i look like that kind of fellow?

you are a wild one, aren't you?

now, now, just let me slip it off.

the key. give me the key.

well, now, ain't you a show dog?

just do what i tell you.

folks say he cut 'em up just like kindling wood.

get your things. we're leaving right this minute.

just ain't fair.

you mean, there were other men?

dadblammit, why didn't you tell me?

i want you to promise me just one thing.

i seen something peculiar.

follow him. find out where he goes.

how about a little walk before bed?

you see anybody coming, you cough real low.

shucks, honey, folks in the country never lock anything.

now hold on. and make sure nothing spills off.

i got to turn corners, don't i?

i thought i seen something flicker.

i'll be glad to get out of this town.

don't stop, keep going!

everything's going to be alright. you just let me do the talking.

oh, no, sir, not me, friend. must be some mistake.

where'd you hear a thing like that?

damn! just when you think you got it made.

i found these in the front seat.

hold out your hands.

them hands don't look like they do nothing in life except play a little casino every now and then.

you can just kiss that pretty little ol' car of yours goodbye.

you don't do nothing until i tell you to, understand? answer me. you understand?

you don't know what kind of real bad trouble you're in.

maybe we could work something out.

let's cut this ring-around-the-rosy.

you think i'm fooling around? i ain't fooling around.

maybe you'll come around in time. get a little thirsty, get a little hungry. time sure does have a way with criminals.

i got all the time in the world.

let's have another cup of coffee.

i need to go to the shithouse.

every two-bit lawman is going to be looking for this car.

they're shooting at us!

hang onto your hat.

you liked to give me heart failure.

wrassle you for it.

the brake, goddamn it! don't you even know where the damn brake is?

so what?

pull up your socks.

we could get a house and everything.

just show up there with tears in your eyes.

just around the corner, there’s a rainbow in the sky.

you got an awful big mouth, mister.

i swallowed my gold tooth.

oh, [name], you're all beat up.

i've been keeping ten dollars for emergencies.

don't start crying.

all this talk's just wasting time.

don't worry about me. i got plans. new ideas coming in every day.

it's for sure i ain't your pa.

ain't you coming to the door with me?

i've been worried sick about you. come on in, child.

you're just the spitting image of your mother.

what you need is some ice-cold lemonade.

everybody's going to be so happy to see you.

we're going to get those clothes off of you. you're going to get into a nice fresh bath, and then you're going to sleep in your own bed.

i just near give up on you, child.

i bet you're starving to death. i'm going to cut you a big piece of pie.

i told you, i don't want you riding with me no more.

you still owe me $200.

come on! hurry up!

[memestockpile]

deep space nine: it's only a paper moon from the 1998 tv episode. alter as needed.

what if i say something dumb?

you are real family.

it's good to be back.

welcome home.

sounds like an excuse to loaf around while the rest of us work.

if it's all the same to you, i'm rather tired. i'd rather just go to my quarters.

we can celebrate once you've settled in.

well, i think we've covered just about everything you missed while you were away.

my leg hurts. and if i put my full weight on it, it hurts more.

look, can i be perfectly honest with you?

for now, i think our best bet is to simply watch and wait.

i am trying to be understanding and i want to be your friend, but enough is enough.

you've been playing that same stupid song for three days.

you've barely said three words to me since you came home.

i'm trying to help you here, but you're not making it easy.

you want to help me? fine. leave me alone.

hi there, pally. it's good to see you.

you're [name]'s kid, right?

[name]'s really proud of you. he's always in here bragging about you.

sure thing, kiddo.

i thought it make take our minds off our troubles. is it bothering you?

somehow, i knew you were going to say that.

i'd be bigger than elvis.

can they give you something for that?

they say it's all in my head.

to tell you the truth, i was starting to get a little sick of it myself.

i don't want to go back to my life.

i have a suite here in the hotel.

you want to stay with me tonight?

okay, kid. if that's the way you want it, from now on you're staying with me.

it could be worse.

it sounds ridiculous.

i'm inclined to agree with [name] on this one.

and who's going to pay for all this?

do i seem pushy to you?

have you seen this movie?

i can't tell if i'm rich as rockefeller or as poor as a church mouse.

hey, it's real to me, kid.

i got to get out there and swing. otherwise i'm just another clyde in a tux.

you never know when a lady's going to need a light.

you're catching on.

right, daddy-o?

martini. two olives.

i'm not a hero.

that's what you're wondering, right?

then maybe you should just keep quiet.

i think we should leave.

it's all my fault. i didn't mean to stare.

i'm really sorry if i made you uncomfortable.

i said get out.

and you, take a hike.

you're still up?

don't apologize to me. i'm not the one you belted.

i promise it'll never happen again.

what got into you, anyway?

things just went downhill from there.

remind me never to give you a compliment.

that's never happened to me.

maybe you should go to bed.

uncle sam's going to come down on me like a ton of bricks.

you know anything about bookkeeping?

it's [year]. what do you want from me?

when you sleep, do you dream?

goodnight, kid.

hi, dollface.

i outrank you.

wait a minute. let's slow down here. no one's talking about forcing anyone to do anything.

go easy on the garnishes. people order a drink, they don't want a fruit bowl in their glass.

we're making money hand over fist.

it was a spur of the moment thing.

excuse me a minute. i need to go schmooze.

hey, i hope you're still talking to me.

would i kid a kidder?

forget it. i should know better by now than to ask you to give away your secrets. you probably have the whole thing all mapped out.

it's time for you to go, kid.

this is just a fantasy. it's not real.

i had no idea how much it means to just live.

let's just sleep on this and talk about it tomorrow.

kid, i hate to do this to you, but you're not giving me any choice.

i'm an [occupation], not a philosopher.

i'm smarter than the average bear.

what is it i'm not making clear to you, charlie?

don't you get it? i can't go out there.

i saw a lot of people get hurt. i saw a lot of people die, but i didn't think anything was going to happen to me.

you stay here, you're going to die. not all at once, but little by little.

you don't seem hollow to me.

look, kid, i don't know what's going to happen to you out there. all i can tell you is that you've got to play the cards life deals you. sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, but at least you're in the game.

hi, kid. nice threads.

i feel older.

happens to the best of us.

i want to thank you for all that you did for me.

you gave me a chance to see what it's like to have a life.

kid, i don't know what to say.

put it there, pally.

save me a seat up front.

it's a deal. and you can take that to the bank.

hey. try not to overturn the furniture.

[memestockpile]

ghostbusters from the 1984 film. alter as needed.

i want you to concentrate.

good guess. but wrong.

incredible. that's five for five.

you're not cheating me, are you?

you only have seventy-five more to go, okay?

i'm getting a little tired of this!

the effect? i'll tell you what the effect is. it's pissing me off!

you can keep the five bucks.

you may as well get used to that.

you're no fluke.

i'm right in the middle of something, [name].

i want you to get right down there, check it out, and get back to me.

you're coming with us on this one.

you are a legitimate phenomenon.

this is big, [name], this is very big. there's definitely something here.

this reminds me of the time you tried to drill a hole through your head.

i don't remember seeing any legs, but it definitely had arms.

my uncle thought he was st. jerome.

back off, man. i'm a scientist.

you're right. no human being would stack books like this.

listen! do you smell something?

[name], your mucus.

one of us should actually try to speak to it.

okay, i have a plan. i know exactly what to do.

do exactly as i say.

"get her." that was your whole plan. get her.

i just got overexcited.

you know what this could mean to the university?

i think we have an excellent chance of actually catching a ghost.

we could really bust some heads. in a spiritual sense, of course.

i'm always serious.

[name], i'm gonna take back some of the things i've said about you.

this is preposterous. i demand an explanation.

but the kids love us.

your theories are the worst kind of popular tripe. your methods are sloppy, and your conclusions are highly questionable.

they wouldn't touch us with a 10-meter cattle prod.

you're always so concerned about your reputation.

you don't know what it's like out there.

for whatever reason, [name], call it fate, call it luck, call it karma, i believe that everything happens for a reason.

where are we gonna get the money?

you're never gonna regret this.

you didn't even bargain with the guy.

the franchise rights alone will make us rich beyond our wildest dreams.

i think this building should be condemned.

the neighborhood is like a demilitarized zone.

you gotta try this pole.

we should stay here tonight, sleep here.

i taped 20-minute workout on my machine and played it back at high speed so it only took 10 minutes. i got a great workout.

no sweat. i'll take a rain check on that.

i always have plenty of low-sodium mineral water and other nutritious foods in the house.

i'd like you to stop by, being that you're my neighbor and all.

the creep down the hall phoned the manager.

are you troubled by strange noises in the middle of the night?

do you experience feelings of dread in your basement or attic?

have you or any of your family ever seen a spook, specter, or ghost?

we're ready to believe you.

you don't think it's too subtle?

everybody can relax, i found the car.

don't stare at me. you've got the bug eyes.

you're very handy, i can tell.

i bet you like to read a lot too.

some people think i'm too intellectual, but i think it's a fabulous way to spend your spare time.

i collect spores, molds, and fungus.

what i have to say may sound a little unusual.

that was two days ago, and i haven't been back to my apartment.

well, of course i'm telling the truth. who would make up a story like that?

i don't believe in any of those things.

if something's gonna happen here, i want it to happen to me first.

i like to torture them.

you're more like a game show host.

you actually eat this stuff?

i don't think you're crazy.

all i have is my work. there's nothing else in my life.

i meet you, and i say, "my god, there's somebody with the same problem i have."

i am madly in love with you.

you are so odd.

i'll prove myself to you.

and then you'll say, "[sender name]'s a guy who can get things done."

i'll bet you're gonna be thinking about me after i'm gone.

no kiss?

hey, slow down. chew your food.

the guests are starting to ask questions, and i'm running out of excuses.

what are you supposed to be, some kind of cosmonaut?

bite your head off, man.

i'm sorry. we thought you were someone else.

yeah, we can do more damage that way.

disgusting blob.

it's right here, [name]. it's looking at me.

i feel so funky.

save some for me.

there's something very important i forgot to tell you.

i'm fuzzy on the whole good-bad thing. what do you mean, "bad"?

try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.

nice shooting, tex!

i've always wanted to do this.

that wasn't such a chore, now, was it?

we came, we saw, we kicked its ass!

my grandma used to spin yarns about a spectral locomotive that would rocket past the farm where she grew up.

how is elvis, and have you seen him lately?

do you believe in ufos, astral projections, mental telepathy, esp, clairvoyance, spirit photography, telekinetic movement, full-trance mediums, the loch ness monster and the theory of atlantis?

uh, if there's a steady paycheck in it, i'll believe anything you say.

i gotta get some sleep. i'm dying.

you don't look good.

someone should tell him it's not gonna do much good to scream at us in german.

i don't have to take this abuse from you. i got hundreds of people dying to abuse me.

if we could get together thursday night, i'm thinking nine-ish, you know, we could exchange information.

i'm making a special exception in your case because i respect you.

i'm glad you're feeling much better. you're still very pale, though.

i've quit better jobs than this.

because you did not use the magic word.

frankly, there've been a lot of wild stories in the media.

i'll sue your ass!

that's a big twinkie.

you're missing a classic party.

you think it's too warm in here for the brie?

okay, who brought the dog?

are you the keymaster?

i guess the roses worked, huh?

take me now, sub-creature.

i make it a rule never to get involved with possessed people.

i want you inside me.

what a lovely singing voice you must have.

what an asshole.

i have a terrible feeling that something awful is gonna happen to you.

bad news, honey, i gotta go to work.

hey, will you stay here in bed until i get back?

i love jesus's style, you know?

how about a little music?

oh, no. hold on. i've seen tv. i know you can't come in here without a warrant or a writ or something.

don't patronize me. i'm not grotesquely stupid.

i think there's just been a slight misunderstanding, and i want to cooperate in any way that i can.

now it is my turn, wiseass.

yeah, i'm not interested in your opinion.

my friend, don't be a jerk.

you do your job, pencil-neck. don't tell me how to do mine.

oh, shit. clear the building!

your mother!

everybody getting this so far?

i guess they just don't make them like they used to.

just tell me what the hell is going on.

no offense, but i gotta get my own lawyer.

yes, it's true. this man has no dick.

hey, come on. knock it off. hey, break it up!

i think it's a sign from god. but don't quote me on that.

i have seen shit that'll turn you white.

old testament. real wrath-of-god-type stuff.

dogs and cats living together. mass hysteria.

i like that shirt, friend.

gotta run. got a date with a ghost.

okay, whatever happens, let's be professional.

wanna play rough?

i'm gonna throw up.

art deco. very nice.

when someone asks you if you're a god, you say, "yes."

this chick is toast.

let's show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown.

oh, very cute.

there's something you don't see every day.

i tried to think of the most harmless thing. something i loved from my childhood.

i'm terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought.

mother pus bucket.

funny, us going out like this.

we get this guy laid, we won't have any trouble.

there's definitely a very slim chance we'll survive.

i love this plan. i'm excited to be a part of it. let's do it.

see you on the other side, [name].

i feel like the floor of a taxicab.

it smells like barbecued dog hair.

go check on that little guy.

boy, the superintendent's gonna be pissed.

you know, mr. [last name], you are a most fortunate individual.

we'd like to get a sample of your brain tissue.

i love this town!

[memestockpile]

ocean's 11 from the 1960 film. alter as needed.

i made a cardinal rule not to answer the telephone during december.

what's funny about going to the pokey for ten years?

why should i be treated like i'm stupid?

was your scheme in the first place.

there isn't a man in the country with my reputation.

you don't do nothing, just get ideas.

that man is going to flip.

beats the hell out of me.

time for your nap. beat it.

get up, lover boy.

you're a spoilsport.

i'd know you anywhere.

you look great, kid.

just like the old days.

i'm afraid what i'm going to have to tell you isn't a very nice thing to hear.

you look almost human.

i'm running out of scar tissue.

the plan is foolproof. take my word for it.

why waste all those cute little tricks that the army taught us just because its sort of peaceful now?

stop talking like a kid.

i'd like to grab you, take you home, and spread you on my waffle.

hold it, pal.

all you know is to give me heartache.

your clothes smell funny.

maybe we can go to a movie and have some ice cream, hm?

you don't get rich if you don't take a chance.

i'm hard luck. i used to be unlucky only for myself. now i'm unlucky for everybody.

you're a tough guy to catch up with, [name].

that's the only way to be. makes you careful.

the brave ones don't come home.

bravery rhymes with stupid and still does.

baby boy, the way i figure it is like this...

okay, little pal, i'm ready for the briefing.

hey, you better stop getting prettier every day, you'll turn into a monopoly.

you knew it was a gag?

i'll consider mistress, plaything, toy for the night, but i refuse to be your mother.

that's no life, it's a way of running away from it.

just sit there and don't interrupt me.

i'd like to have rich friends.

what a prize you are.

well, i married you once and it didn't work out too well, so...

there's only one thing you love: danger.

i don't expect you to be perfect, i want you to be my husband.

it was wicked of you not at least to have telephoned.

hurry over and bring me a big kiss.

hawaii? oh, great sunsets. only one a day but they're working on it.

sometimes it rains, sometimes the sun is out.

would you mind spelling that out?

you sound like a ferryboat.

wherever i go people stare at me in dumb admiration.

you know something? i think the only reason why i got into this caper was so i could see you again.

i agree with you. i'm worth it.

i finally caught up with you. where have you been for days and days?

you're two-timing me, and i'm warning you [full name]: i'm the one you can't treat this way.

listen to me very carefully, my dear.

i picked you up because i thought you were attractive and i had nothing better to do. and i made a pass at you for the very same reasons.

you really are a rat.

one of these days i'll break your back, i swear it.

you... you low, miserable...

i just wanted to check on you to see if you're still alive.

i think it's only natural if you resent me a little.

alright, rich boy. you want it that way, you got it.

they're not looking for me anymore, i'm clear now.

easy for you to look down on people, isn't it?

know what i had when i was a kid? a lot of nothing.

it's been that way ever since. fight, fight, all the time.

i've often wondered if i'd have the guts to jump out of a plane.

you got to be young to do anything.

only point in having money is so that other people know that you got it.

i don't need no improving, i'm alright the way i am.

what took you so long, you come on horseback?

you should be ashamed of yourself.

you know what your problem is? you underestimate people.

you worry me into an early grave.

where there's hoods, there's stool pigeons.

come midnight they go nuts. everybody kisses anybody.

nobody will even see us.

is this going to be another of your long stories?

even i, myself, am a little bit tempted.

is this another of your morbid jokes?

old times are only good when you've had them.

shut up or i'll step on you.

[name], darling, just run a want ad.

you said you'd break me like a dry twig.

i actually haven't got the strength to pull a wing off a dead bee.

you ought to be a little more careful.

it can happen, you know. the whole joint could be mine.

i hope somebody is keeping an eye on all this reckless spending.

i can do it if you cool it just a second.

technically, yes. technically, everything works.

why, it'll be just as easy as riding a stuffed horse.

i never bowled in my life.

fake it.

yeah, it's my lucky spot.

ah, no, you got me wrong. i'm here on business.

i'm all alone, cross my heart.

i hope you die.

that's funny, i was taught that creatures like you always rattled before they struck.

i thought i was doing you a favor.

love to have you waste your money.

las vegas is like paris in a way: you always run into people you know. and usually wish you hadn't.

i adore running into old friends.

lucky i can hold my liquor.

it so happens that i do not know who you are, my good fellow.

i used to be ricky nelson. i'm perry como now.

smart girl.

now, about this night air, let's get out of it, come on.

i hate holidays.

gimme a little kiss.

you know something? i think i kiss better when i'm drunk than i do when i'm sober.

this is a dirty deal.

after all that we've meant to each other, i must leave you.

from here on in, you don't fit into my picture, sweetheart.

it so happens i'm very much in demand.

sing loud and clear.

don't look now, it's little old me.

good boy. get lost now.

things went too easy.

happens all the time.

no sweat.

smooth as a peeled egg, how about you?

is it true somebody stole millions of dollars?

that's a whale of a finder's fee.

honey, baby, darling, you're wasting my time.

thatta girl.

we're all grateful for your cooperation, but i want to warn you: don't cut out on your own.

whatever i get goes straight to you. i'm a great collaborator.

so what's new on your end?

alright, alright. don't get your feathers ruffled.

not a word about this to anyone.

look, make it quick, will you? i got a lot of important calls coming through.

relax, sweetheart. i'm clean.

you know why i don't tell the police? because i love you too much.

oh, i envy you. your youth.

you're not getting any younger hanging around here. what do you want?

don't try anything cute.

50% of something is better than 100% of nothing.

what's your relationship to [name]?

your best friend sold us out.

you want the facts tattooed on your nose?

you always have to be different.

you always have to jump to conclusions.

go ahead. right on the chin.

i've been making a couple of mistakes myself.

you fool. you complete, utter ass.

i could slap your face.

you dare to be sarcastic after what you've done?

that's the next logical step for a maniac.

you probably thought you had committed the perfect crime.

you moron, i could die.

oh, please, don't try to lie. your face gives you away.

you're an amateur.

how could you treat me this way?

i owe you an apology. i thought for a minute you blew the whistle on us.

i knew this color would come in handy one day.

good boy, [name]. i should've thought of that myself.

something is going on in there, but i don't know just what.

i'll round up the boys. we'll be right over.

yeah, yeah, skip the commercial, will you?

i hardly know what to think.

the lord is my shepherd, i shall not want.

once i had me a dream but that dream got kicked in the head.

[memestockpile]

miami vice: dutch oven from the 1985 tv episode. alter as needed.

showtime.

that's your problem. you never believe anybody.

that's a major character flaw, sweetheart.

easy, neighbor. let's not make this personal. this is just business.

plant your face on the carpet.

want someone to keep you company?

get a hot bath and a good night's sleep.

hey, partner.

no more sad songs.

girl, you do look great.

it's been hard not reaching for the phone.

say, baby, i think we got off to a bad start before.

i'm the candy man.

i got me some serious connections. heavyweight.

i been took for a chump too long.

i killed a man tonight.

i just couldn't face being alone.

we should have never broken up.

i never felt so good or been so right as i was with you.

i'm so tired of being alone but it all just seems pointless.

i just want you to hold me. please.

it's for you. official-sounding.

what do you mean, "gin"?

that's why none of these guys will play with you, because you don't play fair.

a nice boy. no card sense. but a nice boy.

you're a regular john wayne!

i'd like to just get through all this schoolyard crap. cut through it and just tell me.

i was doing what was necessary to protect myself.

now you're getting the picture.

when it comes to what is and what isn't, you don't know squat.

stop it. all that second-guessing does is mess up your mind.

don't listen to those guys. they weren't there, we were.

i want you to take some time off.

i thought you were going right home and straight to bed.

is that right, sport?

hot shot, huh?

i've seen worse.

i wanna show you off.

your jaws, they look a little tight.

don't give me that bull, man.

there's a lot of weed and blow there. hell, you can't go to a party without tripping over it.

i don't know, sweetheart. how do you feel about calling in some reinforcements on this?

how serious is it between you and [name]?

no offense, but there are other people in the world to date.

first, we find out what's what, who's who, and then we take it from there.

you got something on your mind again?

let's you and me take a long trip. anywhere.

sometimes i got to do a lot of things that ain't nobody's business but my own.

hold on, slick. what, do i look like i just fell off a cabbage truck?

i'm not about to give you 100,000 dead presidents.

excuse me, baby, but this is the nature of the beast.

stay sharp.

[name]'s been on your side since the beginning on this.

i'd be a lot better off if everyone stopped worrying about me and left me alone.

i'm always right, baby.

when i look in your eyes, i see someone who's going places.

april fool.

you ain't gonna shoot me.

you sold me out, and i'm gonna take care of you right now.

you're busted.

hey, you wanna ride with us?

you lied, cheated. you used me.

what do you think i have, a switch in my head i can just turn on or off?

it's not what i do. it's what i am.

you got no soul, no honor.

[memestockpile]

perfect strangers: season one from the 1986 tv season. alter as needed.

i hope whoever it is brought a chainsaw.

you don't know how many people have never heard of you.

yes, yes. now you're safe.

i see. so we're sort of related by rumor.

america. land of my dreams. home of the whopper.

wait a minute, you came here to move in with me?

this is the first time i've lived alone.

you want a beer?

look, i can't just turn you out into the cold.

that many thank yous would be appropriate if you were staying a long time. a day or two worth of thank yous is plenty.

sit down and help yourself to the goodies.

don't be ridiculous.

i think i'll just hit the sack.

it's only a mouse. they're cute. think of mickey.

you don't go by what's on the price tag.

don't you realize what you've done to me?

same damn thing every day.

rotten day, isn't it?

well, uh, technically, you're a jerk.

wanna hear a funny story?

what a swell guy.

if i wanna hear a good idea, i'll go to a smarter source than you.

i can fix anything.

would it be impolite to ask if i could be your slave for life?

take me and do with me as you will.

i want to worship your painted toenails.

just leave with whatever dignity you have left.

i can die happy now.

go for it, sport.

on second thought, pinhead, do it yourself.

you come out here right now, you unfair person.

i wanna see your heels going that way.

you don't know what kind of good fellow you're dumping to the birds.

you're making one big mistake, ghost buster.

welcome to the wonderful world of being in debt.

where i come from family sticks together.

you need me. and this may surprise you but... i need you too.

it's nice to have somebody to talk to.

every panhandler on the block knows you by your first name: sucker.

okay, you're right. i'll never be nice again.

dolly parton wouldn't do that.

i'll explain it some other time.

you've got to learn to say no.

don't say you're sorry. it takes the edge off.

i'm very proud of you. and you'll never do this again.

i am desperate. i am in need.

who do you think you're talking to? somebody nice?

you know, i can pout too.

you're not dealing with a dimwit here.

it's not groveling unless your head is lower than mine.

it's so dark in here. you can't even see your own nose in front of your face.

i am dirt. i am the sweat of a pig.

it would make me happy to do something for you because you are my friend.

what a wonderful day we've had. you have learned something, and i have learned something.

we should've just gone to the movies.

save something for your honeymoon.

goodbye, love goddess.

easy for you, you're a happening guy.

don't you give me that face.

maybe you should go to a singles bar.

i prefer more formal situations, you know, uh, weddings, tax audit, heimlich maneuver.

i see. you're afraid if i learn the secrets of your power, i'll misuse it.

you really know your stuff.

everyone is looking at us. i don't like that.

like the three stooges?

you work your way over to the woman and you use your opening line. something like, "do you come here often?" "can i buy you a drink?" "didn't we meet in the oval office?" things like that.

would you smother me with your beautiful american body?

this is a little faster than i usually like to operate.

i'm lucky i wasn't killed.

i would rather spend the evening with jabba the hutt.

other than gargling with pledge, i think you're off to a good start.

i don't like to be embarrassed. i have spent my life avoiding embarrassing situations.

take a reality pill.

you don't have to tell me that tonight is going to be a disaster.

this has got to be the most ugly animal in the world.

i don't like to sing. i don't like to dance. people look at you.

i think you won't admit it, but you really did have fun tonight.

you and i are different. you like to just jump into the swimming pool of life without even checking to see if there is water. i, on the other hand, like to make sure there's water, a lifeguard, test for algae. and then i dip a toe in and call it a day.

i don't know how to have fun.

do cagney for me again.

now, you see, don't you feel better?

i'm gonna try to loosen up more often.

you taught me, if i just relax and be myself, people will like me.

obviously, you don't know the first thing about physics.

well, it's hard to argue when you put it like that.

my car is very special to me.

i'm not even gonna dignify that with a response.

all right, you got a bet.

it's gonna be like taking candy from a baby.

next time, buckle up. it's the law.

i don't even deserve a library card. i would probably be arrested for speed reading.

things don't always come easy.

you're not a quitter.

that's why you buy insurance.

who's this, your ventriloquist?

take your hand off my face.

you're getting on my nerves.

i may be nervous, but i know my Gs and Us.

i'm sorry. all out of little gold stars.

you've gotta be nice to these people.

those nuns are so pushy.

i'm not a nice person.

the hospital? you were in the hospital?

i don't know why they call it rush hour because nothing moves.

a salami sandwich, french fries, and two chili dogs.

human suffering is my thing.

trust is what friendship is all about.

what do you say we go out and celebrate?

the keys are nice and safe. i locked them in the car.

it would help me if the floor didn't shake before noon.

boy, you are grumpy in the morning.

i'm grumpy all the time. i just hide it better the rest of the day.

i don't need any pagan curses.

oh my lord!

i could've bought a new couch. but nooooo, i had to buy a used one.

step into the 20th century.

not on your life.

i'm planning a real big poker game tonight.

if it ever comes up, i was with you.

some men in the nixon white house did those things for each other.

can i be candid? [blows a raspberry]

i'm gonna tell you something about my upbringing that i've never told you.

it was used, it was a little uncomfortable, but it was all mine.

erotic?

yeah, blame it on me. yes, it's all my fault and i'll burn in hell for it.

i have heard so much about you.

i got fresh coffee.

i'd give you a kidney.

do you mind if i call you turnip?

you should keep your money in a bank.

if you ever violate that trust, i'll break your chubby little legs.

thank you. i have a dark side.

then i'll teach you how to balance a broom on your nose.

everything's fine. just a little tense. anxious. upset. irritable.

this may be the greatest day of my life.

now we are so happy, we do the dance of joy!

what can i say? i'm scum.

i just wasn't in the mood to celebrate this year.

if it isn't tweedledum and tweedledumber.

what if a giant prehistoric monster crawls out of lake michigan and eats chicago?

well, i'd love to talk about my nepotism but i don't know what that is.

the baby wasn't even that cute.

you must be so disappointed.

i may as well throw my master plan out the window.

call me cuckoo but instead of giving up on life why don't you just change your plan? give yourself more time.

i'm [age]. my life is over.

what would make you feel a little better?

are you nuts?

this could get ugly.

you look miserable. why don't you go lie down?

i might as well get some sleep now. just hope my tears don't short-circuit the electric blanket.

i can't sleep. i'm hungry.

why have you got peanuts in your pocket?

don't you ever, ever do that again.

you locked me in the closet.

no way. uh-uh.

this whole day has been part of some cosmic cruelty joke.

[sarcastically] ha ha! fine!

if tony perkins shows up wearing a house dress and carrying a very large kitchen knife, tell him i'm in the shower.

i don't know what you said, honey.

this is the worst day of my entire miserable life.

no hot water. why should i expect hot water?

this is typical. this is so typical. i am suffering a personal crisis of major proportion, and you're off in dreamland with a stuffed sheef.

[howls like a wolf]

i've spent five hours coming to a realization: i'm a failure.

you're being too hard on yourself.

i'm a loser in life.

i said it. i didn't mean it.

you fooled me, buddy.

i thought at least my mom liked me.

you may be a failure in every area of your life, but at least you have one friend.

can't stay long, kid.

not a day goes by i don't ask myself what i did to deserve him.

why don't you make a speech?

you're the best.

you're not a failure. you have friends.

that was one of the nicest things anybody's ever done for me.

[memestockpile]

miami vice: made for each other from the 1985 tv episode. alter as needed.

read a book sometime.

i just can't believe you're letting [name] move in so fast.

dumped me? is that what she told you?

you okay, old man?

i thought you said this place was safe.

i just burned my fingertips.

i'm gonna frame it for a memento.

[name], i believe things are either in whack or outta whack. right now my life's in whack.

i'm sorry, but this is all we were able to save.

don't touch the hair.

honey bunch, i made a few minor decorating decisions. i hope you don't mind.

we're gonna have to hang your clothes in the garage.

i wasn't expecting guests for dinner.

i guess i'll park myself on mr. sofa.

you can use some of my clothes.

we sort of chipped in because we love you.

i vaguely remember. fill me in.

it's not gonna be an easy job.

it's like a new start ot something.

a new girlfriend is like a new goldfish: you gotta spend time with them so they get accustomed to the bowl.

ooh! that stings.

i'd stake my life on it.

your bad luck is beginning to get contagious.

there's gotta be a better way.

no wonder i'm not married.

[parrot voice] you have the right to remain silent!

i've never been convicted. i have a few indictments, man, but... i'm a man of no convictions.

i think i'm gonna sit in the sun for a while.

you have a great future ahead of you.

[name]'s holding you back.

i saw it the first moment i laid eyes on you.

i just lost my appetite.

you got any café cubano?

who's the captain kirk of this enterprise?

is your hair always this pretty early in the morning?

wait, wait. i've seen this one before.

maybe you come on too strong. what you need is a new concept.

i feel like we're doing a remake of the defiant ones.

do you think you could sleep somewhere else tonight?

do you ever think about the future?

i'm glad i got you.

you hitting my bourbon bottle again?

am i interrupting something?

the guy's too good. that's his problem. i mean, here's someone who can crush your head in his bare hands, and he cares that your eggs are done just right. you know what i mean? i'm just worried about him. he's such a soft touch. i just don't want him to get shafted.

why don't you hang out with me tonight? you can stay at my place, pal.

if you change your mind, you know my number.

well, good-looking, tonight it's just you and me.

you should have asked me first.

didn't you read in the brochure?

where am i, third grade?

we gotta continue to battle against the forces of evil.

it's too dangerous for you.

we're out here lone rangerin' amongst the bad guys.

hey, we hispanics don't know the meaning of danger, but we're very familiar with the word "compensation."

and, uh, that's just the tip of the ice cube.

word.

"whoa" yourself, jack!

maybe you're not familiar with mr. [sender name/nickname]'s style.

i think they're full of it.

you better hurry up, man. coffee break's almost over. come on, man.

hey, man, this isn't exactly made by mattel, huh?

you're going backwards! hit the brake! put it in first! do something!

i thought you said you knew how to drive!

hey, hey. watch it, that's a custom lacquer finish.

i'm basically a good guy.

disney world, here i come.

of course i miss you. of course i'd like to see you.

we're just friends.

this is so tawdry!

i'll do it for you, but i won't enjoy it.

this is it. not another peep.

we're very professional, homeboy.

you talking to a man who has withstood the finest interrogation techniques: electrical, mechanical, psychological, philosophical, european, domestic, commercial—

shut up, homes!

you got nothing to say that i want to hear.

there isn't any time. we'll have to jump.

let's do it, buddy.

¿qué pasó, eh?

you didn't tell me that pawnshop had an alarm system. i almost got busted.

my main man always come through.

it's got about fourteen carats, at least.

if we're lucky, maybe one of us will catch the bouquet.

boy, am i lucky.

thanks, buddy.

[memestockpile]

marvin & tige from the 1983 film. alter as needed.

you crazy little boy.

don't give me any back talk.

would you wipe that frown off your face and get back over here?

i didn't appreciate my mama while she was alive.

poor child.

come on out of there, baby.

if you're one hundred percent sure you wanna die, then i could suggest some other ways.

if you feel that you could at least live one more night, i'll invite you home for a bowl of chili. 

you could start again in the morning. that's the way you should do things.

you could get some rest. sleep on it.

would you like to come home with me? you don’t have to if you don’t want to.

i really don’t think that you should be out here all by yourself. the boogeyman could get you.

i wouldn’t know. 

make yourself at home.

you know what makes you cry, don’t you? these sad thoughts, they trigger a reaction, and when these depressing, aggravating, and sad thoughts collect, crying is like decongesting a head cold. the thoughts start right up here in your forehead, and go straight to your eyes in the form of tears. and the more you cry, the more of these depressing feelings you get rid of. and you start to feel better.

so much for dinner!

sure you don’t want half?

put some music on.

you can stay here tonight. i could use the company. 

i think it’s good to be cautious, but i do give people the benefit of the doubt sometimes. 

i have a deck of cards. wanna play?

i might not even make it to [age].

maybe i’m your guardian angel.

don’t see what the hell you’re complaining about, neither.

don’t talk that way. 

i can say whatever the hell i want.

this is my home. let’s get it straight. what i say goes. if you don’t like that idea, there’s the door.

i ain’t gotta do nothing you tell me. 

i’ll leave in the morning.

you don’t need a lot of money to live. you know what you need? a terrific sense of humor.

you can’t look at the sun without smiling.

you need a heavier coat.

get over here before you freeze your rump off.

i need a bedtime story.

you scared me, man. 

go on, take your bath. i’ll cook us something to eat.

you are unbelievable. 

i don’t know how many times i’ve started this puzzle, then i lose interest and put it away.

that, my friend, is the greatest mystery of them all.

go on in the kitchen and get yourself a glass of milk.

rarely does one drink for mere taste.

see, it pays to be honest.

i never said i was no genius.

i wanna at least be able to write my name and read a little bit. so i can be like other people.

still have that knife of yours?

how do you tell somebody you got one month to live?

you remember too much, man. 

you can’t remember all that bad stuff, you gotta remember the good things.

do you believe in god? when he gonna come down and help us out?

you’re young, you’ll make it.

you respect others, and they respect you.

i asked you repeatedly not to swear.

don’t tempt me, son.

go to hell, bastard!

i don’t wanna go to them hospital people.

you take me for some kind of fool or something?

i’m not afraid of anything.

for all i know, you may be some kind of a nut who goes around digging things up on people and tries to blackmail them.

you had me so scared there for a while. 

i was wondering what would happen to you if sudden something happened to me.

you need clothing, and you need education, and you need regular meals. that’s what you need.

you sure you ain’t dying?

you’re going in there with me. otherwise, i’m gonna take you over my shoulder and carry you in.

don’t you know how to say hello to a person?

you ain’t never cared two cents about me. 

you must think this gonna make everything okay, don’t you? well, it ain’t.

i bet you wish i was dead.

we got some chocolate cake.

i hate to eat and run.

you are home. this is where you belong, and this is where i want you to stay.

you look like you’ve seen a ghost or something.

i didn’t know what you was, come busting through the door like that.

this place just don’t seen the same no more.

that’s cute.

don’t you get lonely?

just want you to be happy, that’s all.

right now, the only thing that’s gonna make me happy is to see that mug of yours smile.

you need to shave. getting fuzzy.

will you laugh if i tell you something?

i love you. i had to tell you.

i can't remember when i heard those words last. i love you, too.

[memestockpile]

the a-team: mexican slayride from the 1983 tv pilot. alter as needed.

i am not taking you with me, kiddo.

adios, amigo.

you made a big mistake.

how many people you tell about me?

i'm not gonna waste any more money on that lost cause.

you need some time off.

honey, get out, before i pull your plug all the way.

that was really great, you telling that fathead about journalistic responsibility.

i went through his apartment last night and pulled out this.

look, kid, i told you. it's a rumor.

we're burning daylight here.

and step on it.

as you can see it's gonna be much easier for us than it was in the film.

nice try, but you ain't moses.

all you had to do was pull the lever.

you gotta do these things with style.

i gotta be alone with my phone.

i'm gonna slam-dunk that sucker.

and may the great spirit watch over your refrigerator and keep it cold.

haven't you ever seen a man shave in the morning?

did you bring any candy?

get down from there.

don't you think i wanna get out of here and see e.t. just like everybody else?

i have a sneaky feeling that you're faking all this.

man, i'm gonna hit you right alongside the head.

get off my pants leg! i can't deal with it when you grab my pants all the time!

why do you think i'm sitting on top of this dresser? i'm not up here for the fresh air.

i hate everything. i hate this dresser. and i hate you.

take care of yourself, son.

take this. spend it on food or something.

i like your style.

don't yell at me, okay? i have a terrible headache.

confucius. great. just what i need to go along with this headache.

you're late, my boy. i was wondering if you forgot.

i've been giving you a great deal of thought.

i'm tired of running.

i'll see you maybe next week. don't steal no hubcaps.

brother, if it's got wings, i can fly it.

you got five seconds.

you keep talking like that, i'm gonna take you with me.

i love it when a plan comes together.

it's a notch or two past silly. this is ridiculous.

get the luggage, kid.

if you wanted somebody with good manners, you should have hired an english butler.

are you still being chased by the government?

welcome back to the land of the living. you really slept, kid.

i hate that movie.

we gotta get some new threads.

very macho, but is it smart?

you learn to love him, but it takes a long time.

this place looks long on local color and short on blended whisky.

that still doesn't tell us who you are, sonny.

chickie, my job is hanging by the ol' threadola.

you want my opinion? it stinks!

stay with me, boobie.

you can fix anything.

that's bull.

it is better to fight and die than to run like children.

life doesn't mean a thing unless you can hold your head up high.

i come from a place where the rats are big as alley cats.

look, lady, the way i am is the way i am.

how do people work with you if they're so afraid you're gonna rip their tongue out if they say the wrong thing to you?

for the jazz, baby.

you ought to be hung upside down from your heels in a vat of pig slop.

you're not smart enough to be angry. you're just mean and stupid.

you got thirty seconds, meathead.

you gotta go with the flow, baby.

i been working on my personality. read the book and everything. nothing seems to be helping.

you better have a hell of an apology ready, pal.

i have influence.

what's your full name, kid?

[memestockpile]

moonlighting: pilot from the 1985 tv pilot. alter as needed.

is there something that you want from me?

you want to know what's going on? i'll tell you what's going on.

i do not work for free.

whatever the problem is, i'm sure it's just some mistake.

just call me a cab and i'll go get dressed.

tell me it gets better, say "it gets better."

hand me that wastebasket, i'm going to throw up.

let's not lose our heads. this is not the end of the world.

after all, you are [full name].

there are worse ways to make a living.

you're only saying that because i'm loaning you my car.

in the meantime, go home. pull yourself together.

i don't like being poor. poor doesn't become me.

you have a very pretty chin. try to keep it up.

no job is too big, no job is too small. we're here to please one and all.

my goodness, looking a little pale today, aren't we?

now, now, no reason to be shy. let's see a little confidence.

lesson one: imagine your entire audience is completely naked.

amscray, will you?

when i first found you you were nothing but a poor little urchin, out on the street, urchining.

you might've seen my pictures somewhere.

and if you don't mind me saying so, you are even more beautiful now here in my office, completely dressed, almost a decade later.

listen, bub. knock that high school locker room grin off your face or i'll knock it off for you.

god, i gotta tell you, i love you.

this isn't easy for me either.

you'd never guess what a cold bitch you are.

i'm gonna miss working for you. you were the most fun boss i ever had.

it's hell. my mind never really shuts down.

that's better than a ticket to bermuda.

i'm not supposed to tell.

what makes you think people are following you?

god had the right idea with lobster, don't you think? just a good, hard, tough, shell.

who's the geek with the phony tan?

if you don't leave this table this instant, i'll scream.

you're the most aggravating person.

the guy is obviously not from this planet.

forgive me, is this conversation making you nervous?

stop sneaking up on me.

excuse me, i have extraordinary credentials and experience.

small world, isn't it?

we would have made a terrific team.

you are one cold, icy broad. you got your nose so high in the air, it's snowing on your brain.

you need somebody like me around. i'm fun. when was the last time you had fun?

that's gotta hurt, falling on your nose like that.

i am entitled to one phone call, am i not?

nothing to it, kid.

i am not your partner.

i want you out of my life, do you hear me?

let's not say things we don't mean.

a man was murdered. he was stabbed to death right in front of me.

i was thinking about myself and how to maximize the situation for my own benefit.

here i go. this is me going. goodbye.

didn't wanna see you stranded out here in the middle of nowhere.

i love it when you beg.

i'd like to go into my own house, alone, and take about forty-five sleeping pills.

i just hate you.

what is so funny is that i almost believe you.

i couldn't have done it without you.

come on, what are you trying to do, bore me to death?

i'd like to take this opportunity to initiate a discussion about fried foods.

i swear, i gave it to the police! i swear it, i swear it!

if i return, it won't be to threaten you. it will be to kill you. have a pleasant evening.

i have never been so scared in my entire life.

this may be a good time for you and me to have a little chit-chat.

you better untie me.

here, i want you to drink this.

you maniac! you almost got us killed!

like i want a [receiver's hair color] ball of fluff following me.

didn't anyone ever teach you how to throw a real punch?

the muscles in your face look tight. looks like a charley horse in your cheek.

like it not, it's you and me, kid.

i'm really looking forward to working with you, kid.

i love sleepovers, don't you?

you want to call anybody and let them know you're okay?

i haven't heard the word "boyfriend" since the eighth grade.

that was very brave, what you did. stupid, but brave.

i am not hostile. i'm just exhausted and uncomfortable. and still a little scared.

what's it like being so pretty?

the plot thinnens.

you don't know much, do you?

why am i always the last to know these things?

you talk with your mouth full, don't signal when you turn, and you don't even have a plan.

how does someone like that get to be head of a detective agency?

i can't even walk and chew gum at the same time.

i know you. you used to be on television.

no flies on you.

if i ask you to do something, would you do it without asking why?

now, i don't want you to look, but there is a dead man in the back seat.

i've known you less than forty-eight hours, and in that time i have been driven from my home, watched a man die, and had a stiff in my car.

are you trying to get me drunk?

take a night to think. a good sleep on a nice firm sofa.

i just wanna get one dance with you, that's all.

my life is an open book. i'll discuss anything except me and the president.

you stole it from me, you rat.

i can't let you do that to our future.

what does the word "poopla" mean?

you're looking great, kid. i'm right behind you.

we're gonna sing a song now.

whatever you do, don't look down.

trust me, i won't let you fall.

don't be foolish, young man.

i'm a different guy. i've changed.

you don't play with people like that. you don't lie to people like that. and you don't put pressure on people like that.

i'm penciling you in for a lot of lunches, kiddo.

look nonchalant. [beat] nonchalanter.

nod your head once if you understand. [beat; receiver nods] beauty and brains.

if we live through this, i'd like to see you again.

do bears bear, do bees bee? this is going to work.

if i wasn't so happy, i'd feel terrible.

i don't have to do anything i don't want to.

you're gonna get a licking.

sitting in a car alone on a scary street is not my idea of f-u-n.

what's the point if you won't even let me try?

unbotton that button. people with attitude do a little advertising. one more. shake your 'do. girls with an attitude don't have a 'do like that. nuns and librarians don't have a 'do like that.

alright, professor henry higgins, can we go in now?

let's put a little motion in the ocean, kid.

what do you say you set me up with seven, maybe eight, tequilas? better yet, make it a baker's dozen.

you're starting to tick me off, pal.

what do you want it to look like: murder, suicide, mother nature?

we are in deep doo-doo.

it's not easy to tell someone you've discovered a hideous secret about their loved one.

hey, we're partners, right?

i played in piano bars for a while. played torch songs. tried to make ladies cry.

it's not the dying that's sad. it's the living.

anybody ever gives you a choice between dying slow and dying fast, i promise you, take the express.

we have a moral obligation. we made a promise.

a promise? you make that to mom about wearing itchy clothes in the cold.

we agree on a lot of things. you like meatballs on your spaghetti, right? me too. how about books? me, i read left to right. how about you? is that an amazing coincidence or what? you wanna get deep? let's talk about sex. who could have guessed, i like sex too. it's frightening how much we have in common.

you got it, buckaroo.

i wanna die. [beat] i don't mean that.

i consider myself a pretty fair judge of character. and it's my feeling that this man really will blow my head off.

i believe you, kid.

you're gonna blow his head off and i'm gonna blow your head off. they're gonna have a devil of a time figuring out whose brains are whose.

you gotta learn to relax and give a girl a chance.

dying is a funny deal. when you know it's coming, all you can think about is life.

i remember the face of every man i ever killed.

you're not my son, but i expect if i had one, he'd be just like you.

walk away from it, kid.

i got a great idea for a broadway show.

it'll never happen again in a million years.

[memestockpile]

the many saints of newark from the 2021 film. alter as needed.

okay, i explored the criminal lifestyle.

i was an altar boy, for christ's sake.

i don't got five dollars.

you're all such great cooks over there.

let's not talk politics at the table.

it's paradise over there.

it wasn't me who ripped you off!

can't i get you to switch to newports?

your lucky number, boy, play it.

you shitting me?

too much fucking salt on this.

get out of here, you fucking mutt!

apollonia is the patron saint of dentists.

don't worry, it's not what you think it is.

oh, i think this is a waste of money.

some celebrity, i don't know who.

your sister's cunt!

it's the summer of love.

you should have seen this man run

aren't you humiliated by what you just said? i know i would be.

come on in, son. have a seat.

turn that light out. i'm trying to sleep.

baby, you are a riot tonight.

the fuck happen to you?

you wanna get smart now?

thought i heard somebody fall.

you shouldn't wear your sunglasses in the tub.

i should have stayed there.

i think maybe you still love him.

i didn't like it then, i don't like it now.

who the fuck do you think you're fucking talking to?

you're not getting away with it again.

what the fuck did i just say, goddamn it? now go home!

there was a bird in the garage. it means somebody's gonna die.

you're talking through your hat.

you can't watch television in here.

you know, i'm sorry, i know i never came to visit you before.

i brought you some sfogliatelle.

i want to do whatever i can to help you now. it wasn't right how they treated you.

i'll be honest with you. i want to do a good deed.

i'm a jazz nut.

bring me a copy next time you come. if you come.

i want to keep taking care of you.

i like that word. motherfucker.

you know i don't like to lean on you about stuff, but you can't start a gambling operation at school.

don't bullshit me.

you gotta have a better attitude. you gotta be good.

pinky swear?

hey, you don't talk to me like that.

i don't want that to happen to me.

keep a close eye on that one.

i need to borrow some money.

it's my gift to you. you don't gotta give it back.

you don't gotta be afraid to say hello to me.

pain comes from always wanting things.

i can't get in fucking trouble again.

i want to make it to the nfl someday.

they're gonna be here soon. we gotta get inside and hide.

nothing changes.

hey, baby, how are you? come here.

you gotta berate me in front of everybody?

go upstairs, right now, put on some decent clothes.

i missed you too, kid.

i made your favorite.

it's only me, your uncle [name].

i didn't do anything.

some babies, when they come into the world, know all kinds of things from the other side.

that's some inspirational shit.

here. why don't you buy you and your friends some of those... mcdonald's.

but the thing about remodeling is, you start with the sinks and then you go, "we might as well do this other thing while we're at it." it spins out of control.

can you stop eating for one minute?

no capisce, but i'm all fucking ears.

you think i'm stupid?

i always want to do right by you!

and what are you getting so pissy about?

you think you know everything!

grab his arm, hold him down.

we're gonna get in so much fucking trouble!

come here! free ice cream!

there you go, sweetheart.

we all do things like that when we're kids.

don't give me that look.

you don't understand fate.

i don't talk to people in here. i mostly read all day.

you're a saint!

i wonder if i could talk to you for a moment alone?

there's a big difference between a smart person and a smart aleck.

don't get cute.

i made it special for you.

you look nice.

it's a song. it's by the stones.

i don't smoke pot!

don't look so blue, kid. you and me'll cut out, go play catch.

wonder what they talk about in there.

don't be a wise-ass.

hey, hey, come here. i want to show you something.

far out, man.

i can't get caught with shit like this.

now, you say to yourself, "this is the last time i'm ever gonna steal something."

maybe i should get on top.

any excuse not to fuck.

sit down. have a hot chocolate and baileys.

soon i'll be in the stratosphere with you.

why would you want to do that for me?

i'd better do this myself.

ten minutes ago, you were laughing like an idiot. what did i do?

i thought that's what you wanted.

i'm alone so much.

hey, if i don't love you anymore, you won't mistake it for a maybe.

i don't promise anything, but you don't tell me, it's gonna be worse.

so much tragedy in your life. what kind of god, huh?

you kids shouldn't be drinking at your age.

give me the goddamn phone.

fucking truck's not gonna unload itself.

you too, kid.

i don't want any part of this! none of it!

9am. no later.

it's over, go home.

it shows you never know about people.

go do something useful, man.

[memestockpile]

miami vice: milk run from the 1984 tv episode. alter as needed.

if you're not careful, you could end up with eye strain.

i knew the job was dangerous when i took it.

don't get comfortable.

what, do you got a hormone problem?

man, you need to chill out.

did i ever joke with you?

they got all those neat rehabilitation techniques, such as sewing your fingers in your mouth and letting the ants eat your eyeballs out.

don't you love that evening air?

you're lucky i don't have time to sue you for slander.

i'm willing to let bygones by bygones.

you're a lowlife.

yeah, i've seen it a million times.

you want one? my treat.

i don't see how you can make it through the night with one of those tubes of mystery meat in your stomach.

thought you were asleep.

hey, forget about that weasel.

you never know about kids like that.

i read it in a comic book.

hate to use the same line twice.

they just wanted to spook us.

we're just gonna get in and get out.

we were kids when we dreamed that. kids don't know no better.

look. we're partners, right? and if you're too scared, we're still partners.

don't ever tell me you're too scared to dream.

heads up. we got company.

hang around a little bit. some culture might rub off on you.

you don't want to tell me, huh? that's okay.

it's kinda evil-looking.

we going some place special, or are you just contributing to the ozone layer?

listen, toots.

i just wanted to ask you some questions.

i should have known. punks like that never listen.

just drive, damn it!

nobody talks that way to me! not in my car!

you're gonna do time unless you help us.

you don't scare me.

uh-uh. no more games. stand up.

you think we don't have better things to do than to teach punks like you about life?

you hear they're making sex a misdemeanor? the more you miss it, the meaner you get.

you want to settle our score, i'm available.

we're on your side, pal. you're gonna be all right.

i'll get you out of this in one piece. i promise.

just do what you're told.

you could have kept your mouth shut!

we're giving you a chance to put this behind you.

i want to go home!

take it easy.

we'll get some pizza, sing some songs. we'll have fun.

i won't help you later if you don't help us now.

what'd i tell you about talking to strangers?

tough guy, huh?

why don't you have something to eat and relax?

no wonder people deal drugs around here.

don't be a wise guy.

get on the damn plane.