fuck me kill me™

just rants here | 26

[mentallynude]

i wish i was allowed to be angry but instead im scared ill make you angry somehow

[mentallynude]

everything hurts and it’s your fault

[mentallynude]

i want to do something i’m good at but im not good at anything

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he’d never make me feel like this

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it makes me so sad to wake up to zero messsages from her ):

[mentallynude]

it’s like when i’m nauseous now of course i’m upset but there’s a part of me that’s so happy that im not hungry. because im sick of eating my feelings. im ready to starve my feelings. im ready to lose 40 lbs in 2 months okay fine maybe 3 but definitely not more. i need to be skinny by the time i get back to america. i need to lose at least 30 lbs before then. do you think i can do it? ideally id lose 40 but i think 30 is more realistic and ill still be happy with 30. i think id still be pretty skinny at 140. i just need to get there. somehow. i need to lock in. i need to give in to my ed urges. because its not right what’s happening to me. i body check like every 3 seconds and get upset because my body doesn’t look any better than the last time i checked it. i wont even get started on my face. like. it’s disgusting. it makes me so upset how fucking found and fat my face is. omg. my soft jawline makes me sick and my under chin area is literally my biggest insecurity. it feels like everyone is looking at it even if most people probably aren’t. it feels like a fucking disgusting part of me i wish i could cut off. so much of my body feels like that. but really if it wasn’t for my face i probably wouldn’t be as bothered by my body. except my lovehandles. and my stomach. i’m ok with my thighs tho, i used to not be. the only way i can feel like myself again is if i lose weight. that’s the only way i can be confident again. the only way i can be me again. the only way i can look cool again. the only way i can fit into all my old cool clothes again. please. whatever it takes. i need to do it. i hope i dont jinx myself by saying whatever it takes because ideally i wont get so mentally bad like i did a year-year and a half ago. or worse. arguably im doing equally as bad right now but also deep down i know im not. that was a certain level of anxiety ive never had before and i hope i never have again. but a little bit of anxiety is worth it to lose weight. just a bit though, not excessive like how it used to be. see sometimes i think that and other times i think whatever it takes. but i know logically i can’t let it get that bad again. no matter how good i look after.

but damn, did i look fucking good.

[mentallynude]

i feel so pathetic. so nonconfrontational yet so obsessed with you. did we fly too close to the sun? why do you make me so damn anxious? it’s impossible to live like this. in my dream there was a sense of relief i felt yet at the same time ive never felt worse. i literally felt like everything in me was breaking. and i was so angry, angriest ive probably felt in a looong time, dream or real life. i just couldn’t believe it i couldn’t believe what you did to me and i felt so betrayed and so pathetic and i remember there was still a part of me wanting to just talk through it and be okay again. and there was a part of me that was happy to see you so upset, to know you know you’ve messed up and you’re scared and upset about probably losing me. because in real life, i feel like you’re not scared to lose me at all.

[mentallynude]

my dream keeps torturing me and i’m not asleep anymore

[mentallynude]

it breaks me inside in a shattering devastating way that she doesn’t try harder to make me feel better and neither does he anymore. i’m just alone. i’m the most alone i’ve ever been. i miss him so bad i miss every attempt he had at making me feel better i wish i didn’t have such impossibly high standards for him that were impossible to reach for trying to make me feel better. i should’ve appreciated the fact that he tried, somehow, someway. i should’ve appreciated him wayyyyy more than i did. i can’t believe he’s really gone. every day i want to die so bad.

[mentallynude]

it just hurts knowing that when she doesn’t respond to me i’m like anxious and itching to text her again and it ruins my whole mood but when i don’t respond to her i doubt it even affects her at all. not that it even ever happens bc i always respond to her. i can’t even fucking leave her on delivered for one day. while she wants space from me i feel like a pathetic desperate person wanting so much from her. i can’t do this. i miss feeling secure in my relationship. i miss having a relationship.

[mentallynude]

i need you so bad please…. i’ve never needed anything as much as i need you

[mentallynude]

i’m so sad….. im just so incredibly sad. i want to be with her so bad ): when will she be ready ): what if she’s never ready ): what if all this was for nothing. i feel like im gonna puke every second of every day

[mentallynude]

how could you do this to me? you said you were here, even just a week ago you said you’ll be here for me. why did you lie? why would you say that and go back on your words a week later? you know exactly how bad i feel right now and you don’t care to reach out or do anything about it. that’s so disappointing and all i want is comfort from you. honestly even if you realize how awful you’re being to me right now, i don’t know how i can move past this and this is what hurts the most. you abandoned me when i was at my worst AT MY WORST and you arent thinking twice about it. what i was the most scared of has happened. multiple things actually. i don’t know how im supposed to keep living. why are you doing this to me? all it would take is one text, one how are you to show that you care. but do you even care if you’re doing this to me? i don’t know. but it hurts really fucking bad. i’ve hit a low i didn’t know i could hit.

[mentallynude]

things are getting bad again

[mentallynude]

everything hurts…. i feel like you don’t care at all…

[mentallynude]

i’m so in pain so so so in pain… why does she want space from me? what did i do wrong? she says nothing but then why does she want to take space from me? she says its cuz she’s not in a good headspace but what does that mean?????? WHAT DO YOU MEAN????? you don’t want my love and support and affection to help you get out of it? you’d rather not talk to me (without saying anything until i asked)???? that hurts. a LOT. why are you doing this to me? i know you don’t control it and you have it rough too but you know how hard the past week has been for me….. i just want affection so bad and i won’t get it. this feels like a punishment. am i crazy for thinking that? am i crazy for wishing you’d try to not push me away every time you get depressed? i’d rather hear your suicidal thoughts even if they’re upsetting to me because being so isolated right now feels even worse. i can’t handle it at all. i need comfort from the one person it matters and i can’t get it. how am i supposed to cope? how am i supposed to not go crazy? to not kill myself? i wish i knew.

[mentallynude]

unless it does have to do with me and she just doesn’t wanna admit it. because why are you pushing ME away? are you pushing everyone away? because you’re still hanging out with your friends and seeming to have a good time. you’re still having fun with your work friends at work and i mean yeah it’s at work but still. i just hate this so bad. what are you thinking about? i hate not knowing. are you realizing you regret going after me/me going after you? are you realizing you wish you were still with him? do you miss him more than you miss me? do you wanna be with other people in general more than you want to be monogamous with me? are you considering all your options right now? what do you mean by you’re in a bad headspace? i can’t handle that…. i can’t handle it at all. what do you mean? at least you saying that to me fully took away my appetite. the one good thing about this and it’s not even that good because i’d rather not be nauseous. why didn’t you care that much when i told you i felt bad last night? why are you taking space from me? why do you want space from me? are you going to miss me or are you going to realize you’re better off without me? are you so sick of waiting for me that you’re realizing you’d rather just go without me? are you not willing to wait for me anymore? this hurts so bad. all my hypotheses are stabbing me like knives in a sore wound. are any of them correct? i can’t handle this at all. i feel like im going to throw the fuck up. i feel nauseous! i can’t handle it! i need xanax! i need to save my xanax for worse times! worse times could be coming! i can’t handle anything at all!!!!!!!!!

[mentallynude]

i’m so in pain so so so in pain… why does she want space from me? what did i do wrong? she says nothing but then why does she want to take space from me? she says its cuz she’s not in a good headspace but what does that mean?????? WHAT DO YOU MEAN????? you don’t want my love and support and affection to help you get out of it? you’d rather not talk to me (without saying anything until i asked)???? that hurts. a LOT. why are you doing this to me? i know you don’t control it and you have it rough too but you know how hard the past week has been for me….. i just want affection so bad and i won’t get it. this feels like a punishment. am i crazy for thinking that? am i crazy for wishing you’d try to not push me away every time you get depressed? i’d rather hear your suicidal thoughts even if they’re upsetting to me because being so isolated right now feels even worse. i can’t handle it at all. i need comfort from the one person it matters and i can’t get it. how am i supposed to cope? how am i supposed to not go crazy? to not kill myself? i wish i knew.