[cicada-carcass]

not my favourite but i barely left my house in the last week

[mercurialtendencies]

mirtazapine, zyprexa, and melatonin tonight to knock me tf ouT. i need a break from consciousness for a bit christ.

[mercurialtendencies]

a somber

consciousness of an

illusory re-birth;

crestfallen

and alive

the ache

and convalescence:

abstract, yet a seemingly

hypothetical coexistence

an inconsolable

wreckage of

what-could-have-been(s)

still, crestfallen

and alive

a ravenous yearning for

moving breath:

never contingent on blessing

more so, the comeback from

the

crestfallen rhythm of

being alive

ab // 04.08.23

[mercurialtendencies]

ab // 8.7.22

grief birthed

straight out of the womb.

a birth into pain.

pain into fear.

fear into heaviness.

heaviness into exhaustion.

exhaustion into hopelessness.

hopelessness into darkness.

darkness into grief.

now,

an identity dissolving

or more like a plurality,

confusing like the

perplexity of how the

ocean meets the sky,

though lacking the beauty of it.

am i meant to live an existence

where death seems beautiful

and the absurdity of life, futile?

collapsing, yes.

surviving, still.

[mercurialtendencies]

ab // 8.7.22

among the stars,

i never landed.

rather,

i am engulfed in a

raging minefield.

unforgiving are the blows.

yet,

familiar is the territory.

[dustlungs]

what even is my life?

[mercurialtendencies]

A Post Report Response From The Moon 08/22/18 My dear, Your soul is being woven back together. With every stitch, a mending of your life lost. You have proven to yourself that you are No longer alone, No longer walking this world in the dark. The anger is dissipating with every step. Your trembling fingertips cease to shake. Your gait is finally steady, No longer tripping over the “it’s my fault’s” Or the “you could have stopped it’s”.   Listen to me dear, The most terrifying act of your life is now over Take a breath, you are free. Free to live life without an onerous weight on your chest. Free to live life without a bruised heart. Free to live life without being torn apart.   My dear, I think you have found the answer within you. I did not make it for you, I was only there for guidance. You finally made the choice to Set your voice free. And for that my dear, I am proud.

A.B.

[mercurialtendencies]

Lay Us To Rest 8/26/18 Dear moon, Where to start? Everyone is hurting tonight. I see your light in the infinite black sky, Yet where are you on this earth? Please shine your light down on the vacant streets of the city, this country, this world. Protect us from the depths of pain. Some of us don’t yet know how to put words To the darkness that fills our mind. And that is what I am trying to do tonight. I trust you moon, I will let you work in your own way. I don’t expect there to be no more pain, Only for you to hold the empty souls that walk this earth a little stronger tonight. We need your comfort dear moon, Lay us to rest. May we wake up tomorrow with no more Hurt living in out chests.

A.B.

[mercurialtendencies]

8/3/18 A Prequel to the report Dear Moon, I am a walking wound, A soul torn apart, I am walking this world in the dark. The anger is all consuming, Threatening to come undone, You can see it in the trembling of my finger tips, In the unsteadiness of my gait. But this time I cannot wait. Another human can tear me apart, But I can choose to stitch together the broken pieces of my heart. Justice compared to this world is galaxies away, But this is how I am finding my voice, So hear me say: That Moon, This is not easy, This is terrifying. More terrifying than anything I’ve ever done. But I’m trying to find my way back to being whole And sometimes I don’t know. Is this the answer? Guide me Moon. Is this the answer? Maybe I will no longer be a walking wound, And that dear Moon, If that is all it takes, Then my soul, My torn up soul, May it no longer ache.

A.B.

[mercurialtendencies]

5/20/18 Fight my dear, I can see life turning you cold and weary Shame held in the clenched palm of your left hand Fear in the clenched palm of your right. Turn your gaze towards my light. It is never failing, Only sometimes blinded by day, I promise you I am never far away. So release those clenched fists of yours. Let fear and shame evaporate From your hands that have mothered And nurtured and let those misguided figures Of darkness enter your bloodstream Each cell festering with fear, drowning in shame, Now you don’t even know your name. The pain is overwhelming, You don’t believe in my light. Yet I will wait, I will never leave you on your own, Not with that aching soul of yours. As your palms unclench, Fear will no longer fester through your bloodstream, Your heart will no longer drown in fear. You will notice the simple innate act of breathing Will become easier. No longer does that insurmountable Weight live on your chest. No longer a slave to darkness. My light will comfort you, Surround you, Protect you. Surrender to that light and you will know me. And now let me remind you that Your bloodstream is pulsing with life.

A.B.

[mercurialtendencies]

5/14/18 Heart beating Time fleeting A holy innocence lost Taken and not forgiven A puzzle being pieced together Summoning fear, summoning anger The moon is my only solace She watched me grow and made me a promise Alone I will never be For she is my mother Her holy light shining down upon me No longer a need to be forgiven No longer carrying the pain alone Perhaps fear is finally leaning my bones.

A.B.

[mercurialtendencies]

1/16/18 Seven years and counting afraid of your own light. Seven years of trying to make sense of the wreckage that almost took your life. But forget not your weeping eyes. Closed, crescent shaped, you are one step closer to the moon. Talk to Her. She saw you through that night, The night life drained from your eyes, It was sucked from your marrow, Left you alone, empty and cold. And unlike everyone else, She never failed to stay by your side, And by Her grace you made it out half alive. So talk to Her, She knows you well, Talk to Her dear, She saw you through hell. She saw you on the other side of pain, And She knows the childhood you feigned. So talk to Her, She will walk you towards Her light, And though you were once turned blind to it, You will find it shown down to illuminate the way, And She is still with you today. So talk to Her dear, she hears you, Your broken heart is known. And She responds in a way of Her own.

A.B.

[mercurialtendencies]

11/21/17 my dear, take a deep breath, lift your heavy head, notice the sadness in your eyes. the tears seem to come as naturally as the rain falls from clouds. don’t hold them back. this is where change comes. that change you’ve been desperate for. wait it out again this could be the last time you pull yourself out of the wreckage you’ve always known. The moon will become your light, Breathe it in, You will no longer feel heavy in your head, Heavy in your chest. She will allow the sadness to disappear, Change will come and then she will dry your tears.

A.B.

[mercurialtendencies]

9/27/17 grief lives in my chest, making the empty space its own. it fills every crack and crevice reminding me of a before and after story that i am not the author of. before, i am a child running through lavender fields, climbing cherry trees and breathing in the soft summer air. and after, i am still a child by age but i am grown up without a choice. and a sadness deeper than the darkness i have tried to pull myself out of has made a home in my heart. there are years of childhood left untouched ever since i was forced to grow up. and i’ve been trying to find my way home ever since i felt your touch. and a rage the strength of a riptide flows through my bloodstream, you can see it burning wildfires behind my eyes. it has been camouflaged for years by a lifeless smile, but i can no longer fight the strength of riptides. it is now asking to be seen and maybe that’s not such a bad thing. and fear has found its way into the landscapes of my mind, you can see it in the trembling of my finger tips when you ask if i’m alright. i’ll say yes but please know that’s far from the truth. i’m just scared if someone knows, you will soon find out too. A response from the moon: My dear, You have surely grown up too fast, But remember that pain will not last, It is vapor and will eventually return to the earth, Just as the years you lost and never had the chance to to be that child you never were. You have a choice: you can fall into darkness and let it break your heart Or you can listen to my voice and and you will no longer fall apart Your truth is yours and and I will always believe you and will walk you to my light You will find yourself on the other side.

A.B.

[mercurialtendencies]

8/30/17 They say everything happens for a reason Though I have yet to find one for that nightmare of a night Because the next morning I stumbled out of bed with the sunrise More shipwreck than sea and more winter instead of spring. And as people started to notice my rapidly decaying state The dreaded question “are you ok” kept coming my way And there were more “i promise I’m fine’s” because I couldn’t Form the words “please help me, I’m dying inside”. For years I felt those words rise to the back of my throat Only to choke them back down again because I had lost all hope. And it was only when my words couldn’t reach air That I finally understood the power of prayer. There are so many questions left unanswered And I find myself talking to mother moon these days. So moon, if you can hear me right now Please let me know if there is a purpose for this pain. Because I think there are days when I do feel purpose growing in my bones, I mean I was forced into silence but I have a heart that remained defiant. And though trust is a foreign concept to me most days, I am so blessed that I have crossed paths with someone who taught me That speaking the truth is ok. And I swear I’m trying so hard to make a teacher of the broken pieces of that night So I take a breath, open my eyes and still stable out of bed with the sunrise. Hoping someday to find peace in a raging sea And be as grounded as the roots of a tree in spring. This pain has shown me that I am able to fight and I promise I will continue to write my way back to the light.

A.B.

[mercurialtendencies]

6/14/17 i knew. i knew. i knew. yet i remained quiet, carrying the heaviness of the truth within me for years, alone. i became ill with fear and silence became my way of survival. the longer my silence, the louder it grew in my heart. i found myself praying for my truth to finally meet sound. but i feared that truth just as much as the silence i was forced into. and as the silence grew more profound, so did the sickness radiating through this body that i once called my home. and i don’t know where to go anymore now that this body is not my own. all i know is that i want to go home. So moon Please guide the way I need your light Please walk me out of darkness Show me your light.

A.B.

[mercurialtendencies]

5/15/17 take a breath, dear sister. the pain is ineffable, i know. you may feel like you are climbing the most insurmountable of mountains. every minute may feel as agonizing as the passing of a dull hour. and you may feel like the light has been ripped from the most vulnerable corner of your soul. I am your mother, your moon And mistake not my words, the mountain you are on is harrowing. so let yourself collapse, let yourself crumble, no one is meant to walk away from this unscathed. the tears may feel unrelenting and your gait is bound to falter. i know that pain you are feeling is woven into every layer of your soul. and sometimes it feels like you will never be able to let it go. i know you feel anything but courageous, just know that there is strength in those tears and that they will eventually disappear. remind yourself that you are enough and you deserve to heal. there will be times when you forget, and that is ok. just come back to your breath. notice how it is unfailing, it is a reminder that this is not your death but rather your unveiling.

A.B.