Words Left Unspoken

[thoughtkick]

“Self-improvement never ends. Once you fix one problem, you discover another area that requires an upgrade. This continues until the day you die.”

— Ed Latimore

[messy-mind21]

Get In Line & Show Up For Yourself

She's starting to write letters...and we all know what happens when she writes letters. She's about to start over and continue trying to find herself again. She stopped looking. But now she's got that pen in her hand again. The pens that haven't been touched in years because she settled. Settled because she's tired. She adapted to a new kind of "comfortable." Stopped writing because she gave up her desires. But now she wants a fresh start, perhaps actually ready this time for one. Perhaps she'll make the best out of it this time. I send all of my luck to her. I'm the #1 person in her corner, as I fucking should be. There's no other place I'm supposed to be but in her corner handing her the pen. Rooting for her, encouraging her, holding her hand through the tears, and most importantly, loving her through it all. Through every single mistake, the big and small ones. Through thick and thin, I should have always been there for her and I have not been. I have not been so kind to her over the years when she has needed me the most. But I am here now, and I suppose that counts for something. I showed up to help write the goodbye letter and I'm not leaving this time.

[messy-mind21]

It's been 4 years since I've been here and let me say, I'm ashamed of myself that I am back. I had no where else to go. No place to be. I am not even wanted in my own house. Big surprise considering all the fucked up decisions I've made in my life. Every time I've ever thought I hit rock bottom, somehow I manage to find myself deeper. In the depths, freezing. Becoming a colder person than I was the year before. I'm almost 33 years old for Christ's sake and somehow I still manage to find myself here....of all places. I DIDN'T WANT TO BE THIS PERSON. I let myself just get stomped on all my life. I have let others treat me disrespectfully and I hunker down like the coward that I've become and just take it. I use to fight, but I'm so fucking tired that I don't even care to fight. What the fuck am I even fighting for? Sure as hell not myself. I don't want to fight for the things that do not benefit me. I'm tired. Mentally. Physically. Overly tired. I want to crawl out of my own fucking body and run away. I don't understand why I struggle to make the right decisions in life, and why I can't seem to find my worth. I'm like a piece of garbage that missed the trashcan just waiting for someone else to come along, pickme up and throw me back in the can. It's pathetic. Year after year, after year. Maybe I just don't know how to pick'em. Maybe there's just women out here that keep all the duds busy so all the worthy women get to have their "knights in shining armor." Maybe this was meant to be. I sit alone at 3am and sometimes secretly hope that God has a reason I haven't found the correct path yet. I don't want to believe that everything is my fault. I've tried so hard, so fucking hard and I just haven't found it. I've given my whole heart out and I'm down to the point where I don't think there's anything left to give. I've lied to the world and I've lied to myself. I'm all of the things I said I wouldn't become. As I stated earlier....I didn't want to be this person. How did I become this person? Why did I let myself get so run down? I fear it's in my blood. I fear there's parts in me that come from other places that I've chosen to ignore that exist. I skip the medications and try to deal with it myself. Clearly that hasn't been the correct solution or else I wouldn't have found myself here....again....4 years later. I don't know what I'm doing. All I can tell you is that it's 2026, I'm so sad, I'm so tired and there's not a single mother fucker on this earth that realizes that. Tomorrow will come and I will greet you all with the happiest smile that you'll see all day.

[messy-mind21]

This bitch made it here in 2022. I'm not sorry either. Some say I'm cold, heartless, mean...whatever you wanna call it; call it. I do not care what anyone thinks anymore. I refuse. Nobody is getting close to me anytime soon. I will break them. I'm not finding myself just to lose myself all over again. I'm not gaining high hopes just fall even harder. I'm focusing on nobody but me and you can call it selfish. At the end of the day, I'm all I have when I lay my body down to rest. I know my worth and I'm going to be the best version of myself that I need to be.

[messy-mind21]

Here I am again. It's still not Sarah. It's still not Tiff. This is September of 2021. I still do not know who I am.. and apparently I still do not know who I want to become or I would have became her by now. For now,, I will call myself Misery. Here I am. Misery. I am controlled. I am on a leash. I'd love to sit here and tell you I am free...but I am far from it. Neither are you, because America is not free. But this is not a political post. This is a post about a shell of person. I am an empty shell of a woman. This is me. Sad. Irritated. Controlled. Belittled. Aggraved. Pathetic. Sad because this is not the life I want. Irritated because I don't do anything to change it. Controlled because I hate facing confrontation. Belittled because I'm too weak to stand up for myself. Aggravated at everything I put up with. Pathetic because I do nothing about it. It's simple. It's me. It's Misery. I do not look for pity. Hell I never talk about anything like this. I bottle up my feeling and let them come rushing out when I'm alone. That's when I hurt myself. I haven't cut myself in years...but I'm almost to that point. My new thing is bruising myself from punch my legs, scratching my face, and pulling out strands of hair. Healthy, I know. I told you....I'm Misery. Maybe a slice is better than bruises, scratches, and missing hair. I can't find a fucking solution. Will I ever? Am I mental? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME? God help me. It doesn't matter how many times I drop to my knees and pray, I still can't find the answers. I still can't find the strength. Strength is all I need. Strength to walk away, to stand up, to move on, to keep my head up high. The two who raised me would be so ashamed if they saw the shape I'm in. I'm so confused because I know what I should do...what I need to do but here I am. Still being miserable. It's my own fucking fault because I let it happen. I let myself be treated like shit. If I wanted to break free from this chain, I could. But why do I not have the strength in me? Am I a coward? I do not understand it at all. WHAT THE FUCK IS HOLDING ME BACK FROM BECOMING THE PERSON I WANT TO BECOME? I can't explain it. I don't understand it. Nothing makes sense. I act like an damn abused dog. If I had a tail, it would surely be tucked between my legs. It's strange how the human brain works. What triggers it and how manipulated it can become. I know what I need, I know how to change it. Yet I keep living the way I do. This is why I am pathetic. I'm not truly happy unless I am alone. I want to be free and independen. I want to be happy. Hell, being Sarah was better than this. I thought that butch was sad...but I've come to realize this bitch is absolutely miserable. I've made alot of mistake and I'm not sure where to go from here. Please send help.

-Misery

[messy-mind21]

I want to go in a rage. I want to scream. I want to break things. I want to lose control. I'm simply done...And I'm ashamed of myself for feeling like giving up.

[messy-mind21]

I don't have much to say. There's no words or amount of sentences that could describe my pain and explain just how sad I feel. Time is slow and it's so hard to keep myself together. Everything is falling apart. My world is crumbling into thousands of fucking pieces. I've truly never felt this lost in my lifetime...and I certainly have never felt this type of pain. Everytime I ever felt a drop of sadness, I ran to my best friend, my mother, my light. Now that she is gone....my life is so dark. At the end of the day, it's just me and the thoughts that eat me alive. I'm just so fucking sad.

[messy-mind21]

I still don't know who I am.

& no, I do not have a plan.

You judge me...so do they.

But I'm just fine, I'm doing okay.

I may go from high to low,

But know I have a love to show.

A love for myself, one of a kind.

I refuse to stay so blind.

I will bloom, I will shine

& never leave a memory behind.

For this is what I've become,

Looking back at all I've done.

I may not know who I am,

But I'm capable to be what I can.

[messy-mind21]

I found myself back here on this depressing afternoon. Just ate some anxiety pills like candy...anything to ease my pain. I've spent the last 24 hours trying to better myself and come up with an escape plan from the life I'm "living." Quotation marks there because it feels like I'm just dragging by. Shit keeps getting harder. I'm in far too deep, I'm drowning. Nobody hears me gasping for air, nobody cares....nobody should. These problems I face are nothing but my own, I do not expect others to sympathize or save me. I wish I could understand how I let myself get here. How I let myself get so low. How I lost self respect. I wish I could go back to whatever day it was when I stopped loving myself and turn the other way. I let someone help me believe I'm worthless. It's my fault, not his. I should have walked away by now. No....I should've have ran. I wish when I took the path that led me here, it would have came with a warning sign. Something in all capital letters that read C-A-U-T-I-O-N. "Beware, This Road Leads To Unhappiness." Most people think its just as simple as turning around now...waving my hand and shutting the door. It's not. Mentally I cannot force myself to do what is best for myself. I truly think I need a doctor. I need to hurry before it's too late. Things are only going to get worse if I don't do something different here.

[rhsin]

but she also smiled when she was miserable and even though she was strong. deep down she was tired of pretending to be okay.

r.h. Sin

[messy-mind21]

This is not Sarah, folks. It's not Tiff either. At this point, I don't know who the fuck it is. Sarah may be dead, but whoever this is...may just be dead to. I found myself here and here is not a happy place. It's not the place to be and I'm disappointed as fuck this is where I ended up. I don't have much to say other than that.

[messy-mind21]

Premeditated Killing

I have a plan, it's a big plan. It's an unexpected plan. But it's a spectacular plan...y'all ready for this one? Take a deep breath, because you won't expect this one. Nobody would ever see this one coming.... I have decided to make Sarah Smith disappear. Forever. She will soon be gone. You will not hear of her, and you will no longer read her words. She will be just a memory. Just some typed out words on the internet. In the past. Below all of this. Tonight my friends, the real Sarah Smith will be revealed. Sarah Smith will then die. I am killing her as you read this. Tonight, Sarah Smith will say goodbye. So I have decided to make my announcement live to pay my respects. These are my words for you Sarah... "It has been pleasant and unpleasant at the same time to know you, to be you, to write your words, and to read your words. You've taught me many undiscovered things about myself, about my heart, and about my soul. Sometimes I love you. Other times I despise you. You've made me proud at times but you've also disappointed me at times. You made me so happy and broke me at the same exact very moments. You helped me live while you were holding a barrel to the side of my head. You made me smile, you made me scream of madness. You made me tremble in fear, you made me cry of sadness. Oh Sarah, you spent too much time being a pathetic fucking bitch...But I will always love you for everything. From the depths of my entire heart, please know that I will always love you. You have served your purpose on this blog. You deserve to be put out of your misery, you deserve to be happy. Happy, I will finally let you be. As much pity as I have felt towards you over the years, I am beyond thankful for knowing you and being you. But Sarah, to be blunt about this...I no longer need to know you and I certainly no longer wish to be you. You are the complete opposite of what I wish to be. You are a miserable woman. A beautiful but sad, lonely, lost, confused woman who will forever be filled with pain and anger. You are broken, Sarah Smith. Shattered into millions of pieces. Pieces that should have been buried a long time ago. I will not have any sorrow for you. In fact, I will cry tears of joy tonight. Knowing that you will forever be gone is one of the most comforting things I can hold onto now. You played a role in my world and have made a huge impact on my life. I will no longer hide behind your words. You were meant to protect me and I would say your mission has been accomplished. You helped me create myself, rebuild myself. I know you understand why tonight I am committing a murder. You know that it's your time to go and you're probably just as anxious as I am right about now. Your existence will disappear and both you and I will be on to better places. It has been a pleasure knowing and being you but I will never miss you. Your words will always be carved into my flesh as a reminder of all the things you have taught me. As a reminder of who you once created out of me...Who to be, and who to never become again. Thank you once again for everything. It's been a hell of a journey but we both know that we have finally reached the end...thank God you and I have finally reached the end. This is it, this is the happiest goodbye I will probably ever experience in my life. As I sign this letter in a minute, I know that you are finally proud of me for doing so. Farewell Sarah Smith, may you finally rest peacefully. Xoxo" -Tiffanie Amanda Dowler ❤

[messy-mind21]

The Key To Happiness

It doesn't matter What you are doing Or who you're with, Where you are at And why you are there; Where you've been Or where you are going. All there is to know is You do it for yourself. -Sarah Smith

[messy-mind21]

No Rules

No longer am I fragile Like a porcelain doll. I am not pushing limits, I am breaking them. I am flames of fire That will never smolder For I am too wild to tame And too rabid to hold. I am fearless and free On a new adventure I'm only trying to Identify Myself. -Sarah Smith

[messy-mind21]

Sarah Smiths Words

I am always eager to get a pen in my hand, Cause lately it seems as if I'm locked away inside my mind. I've been in an emotional prison with no escape, But when when I write shit away; when I bleed ink... It leaves a presentation of my soul on paper. There's wars, there's strength, and wisdom in my words. Sometimes I read my lines as a reminder to myself... Of all the ways I've felt, ways I never wanted to feel; And all of the things I want to feel. Then, a pen in my hand helps me redirect.

[messy-mind21]

[messy-mind21]

Time Heals

I'm not trying to hurt you, prove any points, make you feel down, lost, or confused. I do not mean to cause you any pain at all. Believe it or not, I too; have felt the way you are feeling. Now I just don't. Maybe I felt it for too long, maybe I got too used to those feelings, I don't know...but they're gone. My hurt feelings do not exist anymore. Yours will go away with time as well. I cannot help the way I feel or find the lost feelings. I can't just turn around and go back to the day, place, or time I stopped feeling them. I am sorry. I cannot make myself feel what I've wanted to feel for so long now. I cannot make myself fight again. I can't make my heart try anymore. So you're telling me that I won't face you...that is true. I don't want to see the damage. You tell me I'm killing you...that wasn't my plan. So I can't witness it. I'm sorry it has become this, that all this is shitty. But it's life. We all suffer from pain and heartache sometime. You say 3 years plus, that you deserve that I talk to you. No you don't. You don't deserve to just get more hurt by me. We are only going to hurt eachother right now. About this 3 years plus? In 3 years plus could you tell me what was ever established? We already had the time to try, the time to talk, the time to make us work...we both blew that. We were not healthy for eachother and deep down you know everything I'm saying is true. Was any of that truly even close to being love? What would we even be fighting for? You tell me you miss me, but what is there to miss? This has been a huge mess full of fucked up feelings. We both know, this is what had to happen. It is what it is. And that's okay. So once again I will say, "I do not mean to cause you any pain at all. Believe it or not, I too; have felt the way you are feeling."