Priestess of the Holy Hot Choccy ✨☕️✨

TW : ED - She/her ~ 34🌸 TRYING TO RECOVER 🌸 Backup : @tearylullaby

[meurtrissuresdeletre]

Hey, welcome here ! These are a few things to know about me before you scroll down :

- I have an ED, from which I’m trying to recover. My posts are sometimes positive ones to give hope, but sometimes darker ones because this is my safe space to vent. If you can’t handle both at the same time, please don’t trigger yourself and leave.

- I’m not promoting any form of eating disorder. These are real nightmares to live.

- I’m an adult. Please consider this if you’re a minor and you don’t want to interact with a 18+ person. I won’t post NSFW. But strong language and graphic description of ED problems may occur.

- My inbox is open if you need to talk. I won’t bite ;) Feel free to send any ask / vent / dm you may need or enjoy

Please stay safe and be kind with yourself ✨

[meurtrissuresdeletre]

VENT

Recovery has become some kind of concept rather than some reality I really long for. I still think some part of me contemplates it, but not like this shiny goal anymore.

It’s stained. By many flaws I found as I truly tried to heal. I got better, that’s true. But I still struggle with many things : constantly putting carbs into my meals, avoiding to count calories, giving myself permission to rest …

Everytime I try to allow myself to feel emotions instead of shushing them deep inside me, it freaks me out.

Everytime I try to allow myself to be a little bit gentler with myself, it feels so weird and wrong. So… over-indulgent.

Everytime I try to allow myself to begin to live again, despite knowing my attempts will be clumsy, I cut off very quickly because I’m too afraid to express my own needs and stand for some potential joy.

I am fxcking running in circles and it’s so exhausting. Unable to choose which path to take, I walk some tiny steps then go back to the known area. Then try again.

And again.

Until… what ?

[meurtrissuresdeletre]

In lonely times,

Contemplating relapse is like

Catching sight of an old friend in the horizon

Waving a hand and waiting for you.

[anxietyproblem]

[anxietyproblem]

[killherfreakout]

but i do

[meurtrissuresdeletre]

Despite the huge fear I felt inside, I tried. I ate above the calorie limit my sick brain set for me. Two days in a row, I didn’t count. I ate some « forbidden » foods.

I overate. I was so stressed. And so tired from the lack of sleep.

And now ? My digestive system is in so much pain. It fxcking hurts. Too much and too quickly, not a progressive way of eating foods I didn’t allow myself to eat for so long.

I’m so mad at me. I did the same mistake one month ago. And tomorrow I’ll cry again on the weight I put back.

But at least, I tried. And allowing yourself to try and learn when you’re a bloody perfectionist is somehow a victory even if it went wrong.

[thepeacefulgarden]

[daily-reminders-that-ur-enough]

You couldn't have "known better" as a kid

[gayscantslicetomatoes]

This little 🌻 is for every single person who needs some warmth in their life right now.

You belong. You matter. Always.

[mathilde-vg]

[meurtrissuresdeletre]

It’s exhausting to be brave for so long… I don’t know how many time I will still be able to carry on.

[thepeacefulgarden]

[meurtrissuresdeletre]

Social gatherings definitely are tremendously difficult for me 😞

New Year’s Eve => I tried to avoid being alone as I was for Xmas => I ended up overeating at some friends’ place.

I already struggle to get back to a lower weight, and THIS.

On the other hand, it was less exhausting to handle all the time spent together.

I’m so lost. And so dissociated from my body.

[lovelysuggestions]

don’t feel guilty for not being able to handle everything, for needing a break. you need to look after yourself, too. self care is not selfish.

[meurtrissuresdeletre]

Mood swings ? Nah, I run on mood rollercoasters.

One second I feel like I have the courage and strength to get my sh!t together.

The next one I feel in mental agony and beg for a quick and efficient end.

Multiple. Times. A. Day.

[meurtrissuresdeletre]

Tiredness and chocolate definitely are a downfall duet for me.

I hate when my body takes control over my mind and eats to stay as aware of the situation as needed. Could you please run only on caffeine ?! I would feel less ashamed of all the hours I spent at the gym which just went to waste because of your self-pity.

Get back on track, ffs.

[akindplace]

michelle.cpy