micefleece here! laying the basics down for any newcomers who happen to stumble upon this profile!
i don't mind if people use she/her or they/them pronouns for me! i just am me.
i am part of the lgbtq community, however i currently will not be sharing how i identify because i've been dealing with a lot of shame and guilt about it (not very fun...)
i do not tolerate things such as racism, transphobia, homophobia, misogyny, pedophilia, abuse, or assault. if you spread any hateful or weird messages you will be blocked, any belligerent comments will be deleted as well.
do not talk about anything religious or create any religious discourse on my blog! i am catholic, however i have a complicated relationship with religion and i don't believe there's a place for discussion about it here!
if you are looking to contact me: my messages are open, i will answer 'ask me anything' as well as my email [email protected]
keep this space safe and fun for all! don't be weird.
wrote this last night, somewhat proof read but not really. i made up this cutesy tiny story. i don't identify myself as a writer, this was just fun, and maybe you will find joy in this!
content warning: being in love with your best friend, talk of masochism but not in a sexual context... being gay?
Here it is.
The temperate gust that shifts my locks back over my shoulder. A soft cast of bright, setting light over the horizon, swallowing my surroundings whole. The purest silent moment. A butterfly’s wings flutter gently, unnoticed by my ears, but seen through my eyes. Deep, vast hills that expand for seemingly miles until met by a road near the horizon. A long, neverending road that stretches across the whole country, I bet.
Small beads of sweat still fresh on my skin, air attempting to enter my dry lungs. Rushed footsteps approaching behind me, the pace of a light jog met by the sound of tired exhale. The slap of hands against knees as her figure shrinks in the corner of my eye, an attempt to catch her breath. I don’t even notice the airless chuckle that leaves my mouth, or the way my eyes automatically drift to hers as I entertain myself with her exasperated condition.
Throwing me the weakest attempt at a death glare as she recollects herself, I observe her as her posture straightens, my eyes still met with hers. A deep brown, maybe the darkest of them all. It only brings out the bright glimmer that comes when she smiles. A moment of anxiety swiftly clogs my entire body, a brief freeze-over before I pull my eyes away and continue to watch the sun go rest. I feel the smile, the one I didn’t even realize was there, begin to tug back down into its natural position. I closed my eyes for a second, as if I could breathe in the golden cast of sun.
Two arms wrapped around me quickly, my eyes widening as a laugh airs its way out, before crinkling up into an untamed smile. She finally caught me in our game of Chase. Writhing around, attempting to free myself from her grasp proves to be inefficient as we promptly sink down into the velvety grass. Both of us brought to our knees, her arms still locked as she kneeled behind me. Bending forward, I free myself, instantaneously falling into the supple field as our laughter fills the air. The tautness of my ribs as it now hurts to laugh so much, my hands travelling up my torso to hold them in delightful pain. Is this masochism?
As the laughter dies into a shared snicker, my eyes open to see her smiling wide to the sky- eyes still closed, sun casting upon her like she was made of gold. This has to be masochism. Taking pleasure in the pain of love, that is. A few thoughts brush my mind, ones of sorrow, pity, and unrequited love. My smile drops as my small chortle dies right then and there. Plucking my gaze away from her, and staring into the sky, a subtle frown plays on my face. I feel the corners of my lips resting lower than recently.
“You’re really fun to be around.” Stated to me in a quiet tone. Said as if it were a relief to get this off her chest. My brows pull together slightly, head turning to her, only to be met with her eyes looking right back at me.
“Oh. Thank you,” is all I manage to get out, a pathetic attempt at seeming relaxed.
“You are too.” I state, nearly tripping over my own words. Yet, a small grin plays on her face. Stupidly, my formerly frowning visage melts into a reciprocal of her joy. I couldn’t hide it. Even if I tried.
I feel the same fearful clog begin to flood my body again. My body freezing up, my shoulders tensing, face stilling. Jolting upright, I lean back against my palms now to observe the sunset. Legs in front of me, outstretched, one crossed over the other. My foot taps against my other foot, the soft sounds of grass shuffling beside me, I don’t bother with curiosity though. A hand from her extended towards me, more like a hand from God if I’m honest. Looking at her hand, the formation of her knuckles, the cool silver rings decking her fingers, the smooth terrain of her palms. Looking at her, a patient look resting upon her face, a trusting smile.
“C’mon. Let’s go to the top of the hill.” She suggests, nodding her head to the right of us.
Brushing my hands against my jeans to get any of nature's residue off, I grasp her hand as she pulls me back to my feet. However, as I rise she never lets go. Hand in hand as we stand for a beat, suddenly an hour and a millisecond don’t seem too far off. A moment of just feeling the warmth of one's palm against mine. Before we both let go.
The walk up was silent, however we welcomed silence with open arms. Reaching the apex of the hill, I begin to crouch down before she stops me. A hand on my shoulder, that she rests for another beat before pulling back into her body. Rising up once more, adjusting my posture, and awaiting her reasoning. Her hand travelling to the top of her zip-up- a grey cotton sweater. The hum of the zipper as she strips it from her, laying it down on the grass, offering it to me as a seat.
“Where will you sit?” I ask, slightly hoping she’d join me in the confined space of the jacket.
“On the grass, dummy.” She laughs.
“No way. Either none of us sit on this or both of us do.”
“Just let me be a good friend,” she states, meeting her eyes with mine. My arms crossed over my chest, a stubborn look playing on my face.
“Please.” She begs, although my head is already shaking from left to right.
She sighs slightly, knowing I’ll protest her decision to stay on the grass. I watch attentively as she sinks down to the ground, seating herself on the grey sweater and awaiting my turn.
Satisfaction plays on my face as I lower myself to her level, legs splayed ahead of me, leaning back on my palms. She doesn’t pull her gaze away from me though. I feel it burning into me, like laser beams from those stupid superhero movies she likes. It lasts a few seconds, but it burns more than any sun I’ve ever experienced.
small breakdown of abuse, and abusers. something i was thinking of, and decided to research a bit and write it down. this does not apply to all victims, or all abusers, every case is different. these are just patterns i noticed.
content warning: talk of abuse, and manipulative tactics.
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Abusers will often target gullible, shameful, insecure people who lack strong identities, and are in vulnerable moments of their lives. If an abuser cannot find this character within the people surrounding them, they will make one out of them.
Like breaking a vase, and reshaping it into a ceramic cube- abusers will slowly, yet subtly, deteriorate the victims self esteem, and reshape it into what they need it to be. This occurs through the actions of negging, ‘a purposeful lowering of one’s self esteem in order to achieve sexual conquest’ (1) now evolved into a manipulation tactic. The use of backhanded compliments, and subtle insults undermines the esteem of the victim, making one begin to fight for the abusers validation.
As the victim experiences this constant criticism from a loved one, they may attempt to turn to their other support systems such as friends or family. Once the abuser catches wind of this, or senses that the people surrounding the victim have caught on to malicious intent behind their snarky remarks, they isolate the victim. Not only putting themselves on a pedestal, claiming they know what's best for the victim- abusers will manipulate past incidents with the victims family and friends, stating that their loved ones do not want the victim to prosper in life. This causes the victim to question the motives behind the actions of their loved ones, no longer able to tell friend from foe.
Once isolated, abusers implement fear mongering and control. As the victim no longer has separate support systems, the abuser will threaten to leave if the victim does not want to follow the abuser's needs. If the abuser wants the victim to make them a meal, but the victim doesn’t want to, the abuser will threaten to leave, or even find what they need elsewhere- leaving the victim all alone, with nobody to go to. To the victim, the abuser's departure would be detrimental as they lack all support systems due to the isolation. This encourages the victim to then agree with the abuser, and follow what it is that the abuser wants; a decision made out of fear of abandonment, and loss of validation.
(1) Html [Kathleen Green, Zoe Kukan, and Ruth J. Tully]
i've been going through the absolute gutters. my mental health has been at a horrible stand still for a while, and its been the past few weeks that i've almost imploded. i have been struggling for a while, and it's been a slow, but sure buildup that has been collecting for at least a few months, if not, a year now. more or less, i dunno. a lot of things have changed for me in the past year, i've lost my best friend (she's alive, things just happen) i made a new set of friends, i've met so many new people, i reconnected with people i shouldn't have, i joined something i was passionate about and i sacrificed so much for it- only to get nothing from it. life is full of lessons. life is full of failures. i am a failure, but i won't be the more i try. this is genuinely the most optimistic i've felt in a while, which sucks because i'm still extremely pessimistic. i lost a ton of weight, and half my head of hair. i got sober, i relapsed. i got grades i never thought i could get, i also felt like shit the whole time. i like my coworkers, but i feel like i'm failing at my job too. i became so awkward and it never went away. i fucking suck essentially, but i'm also kinda cool. i find that i am often mildly suicidal, and i question my being a lot. that's not good.
overall, i feel stupid, i feel hopeless, i am lost, i am not good enough, and i've failed. but there's nothing i can do about it, so i just have to keep going. i know that if i stop, there is genuinely no point in life anymore. it doesn't matter how shitty i feel, if i can't pursue my passions, then there is no life for me to live.
so i won't die, so i won't sit down and quit, so i won't feel bad for myself. i can't change anything, so i have to accept it and keep going.
also, a friend of mine and i have been planning a sleepover. she had to cancel this week because of work, however she got rescheduled so we can do it. however, unlike the original plan to go to her house and hangout, just the two of us- she's planning to go to another friends house, and have a big group sleepover with all the other friends of ours. this overwhelms me so much...
first of all, i am not in the mental space to be around that many people. i can essentially only talk to one person, maybe two at a time. anything beyond that and i will not talk or look at anyone. also, that's just incredibly draining, especially for a long period of time.
second of all, i like hanging out one-on-one more. big groups just overwhelm me, whether i know everyone or not. in this situation i am good friends with all of them.
also, the original plan was just the two of us so it kinda sucks that they changed last minute, especially because i messaged her about it and she was like "yeah i was gonna ask if you wanted to come to ***'s house and sleepover there. *** and *** might be there too." like, am i the last person to get this invitation.
also, i kinda feel left out sometimes. the last sleepover we had as a group, i found out they have a group chat without me. the excuse was "oh because you don't really go on insta," so? still invite me in? this has happened to me before, so i'm not incredibly hurt but it still sucks.
i've also just had issues with one girl in the group, she essentially stated to me that i wasn't a member for a long-time, therefore i'm not like an important enough member. she had no ill intent, but it still sucked to hear because it's most likely true.
i dunno. i think i just feel sad all the time recently, and i don't have enough in me to be around all those people. i don't wanna say anything though, i hate opening up to people. i don't know if the friend i was planning to hangout with would really care anyway. i don't know if i really matter to people, which is why i try not to open up. if i open up, i'll be disappointed when they don't care, and try to hurt me.
micefleece is writing after taking a much needed break from the world. the recent few weeks have been challenging to my mental health, especially in the last week-ish i fell into a bit of a depressive state during exams, which was not great as i procrastinated so much i couldn't even study. Yikes! i can't say that i have necessarily left that mental state, but i am feeling a little bit more able to talk to people and write a little more. i am creating plenty, as i fell down into a dark whole of despair, feeling as if i lost my purpose and i am nothing. i can't say that feeling has eased, it still burdens me and i still cry and grieve everyday. it's been coming on me for a while, but recently i experienced the catalyst for my emotions of inadequacy. after my math exam, one of my teachers came to reassure me that i don't suck, however unintentionally left me still feeling insufficient. he had good intent, however his kind words still did not relieve me from the fact that i am not great enough at my craft to be recognized. when you're second best at everything, you are not able to make it to first place. which sucks because i've been working towards what i wanted for nearly a year, tirelessly. i put my blood, sweat, and tears into what i do. i never let the physical boundaries of my body stop me. unfortunately this cost me around sixty pounds, and half my head of hair. as well as countless hours. despite the lack of recognition, i particularly feel like an idiot for still wanting to take part in my craft. the one thing i've been genuinely passionate, and excited about is something i am not even great at. i have never been the best, and i don't necessarily want to be, however i want my efforts to be recognized. especially when i go about such absurdity with no complaints. i know, it's like "you like this though, it's you choice," to which i say, TRUE! but it's disheartening to know that you're never truly recognized for your abilities, and whenever you feel you'll get the chance to show them, the opportunity is taken before you can even embrace it. i'm lost, hopeless, and i feel unworthy and talentless. being second should be a good omen, however in this situation it only leads me to feel worse. knowing i was so close, but i wasn't good enough to be recognized. horrible.
it got to a point where i couldn't talk to people. even hearing a certain song at my job, i excused myself to the bathroom in order to stop myself from crying. i feel pathetic and foolish again. it sucks to constantly try, and work, and wait to be recognized for all you efforts, only for nobody to really see them.
micefleece has been found alive... unfortunately...
it's me, back from the dead and resuscitated... i haven't been posting much because of work stress, school, and life in general. i have not been well recently, i just finished a big breakdown where i was sobbing, rubbing my makeup all over my face, hating everyone and everything.
after my breakdown, i yelled at a guy because his dog was shitting on my lawn and he was NOT planning on cleaning it up. if i wake up greeted by a shit on my lawn tomorrow, i know who it is.
work was so overwhelming today, obviously things such as customers degrading you, yelling at you, and insulting you comes with the job- however my supervisors seem to love making me feel stupid all the time.
another thing i hated, yesterday i was supposed to get high with one of my friends but they canceled last minute. that has to be the thing i hate most in the world, last minute cancellations. from that, i begun creating some space between the two of us because anytime i feel slightly rejected i need to run away, especially if i feel close to the person. whenever people cancel and give a reason like "oh i'm not feeling well" "oh i forgot i have a task that i need to do" "i can't because i need to catch up on work" i always feel like people are lying to me. i probably have trust issues.
i took a muscle relaxant to stop the weird dreams i've been having, as well as to ensure a peaceful sleep where i don't wake up. the weird dreams i keep having involve people dying, especially infront of me. luckily the last few haven't been too vivid. the vivid one felt too real and i woke up sobbing and shaking. i still cry when i think about it. i wonder if there's anything wrong with me- wrong with my brain at least. my doctor is making me see a psychiatrist soon, so i guess we'll find out.
whenever i think about people i always know there's more than just surface, especially when it comes to peoples issues. yet, i never apply the same logistics to myself. i always say i'm being dramatic, but maybe i'm not. especially when it gets to this boiling point, the one where i can't sleep, i shake, i cry and then i don't, it's like being too emotional and completely numb at the same time.
i keep fainting even though i've been upping my iron pills, and eating regular amounts of food. we will have to see what that's about. this recap is depressing, and probably a little cringy... sorry! however, my week has not been sunshines and rainbows by any means.
i feel like i hate my friends even though i know it's not true. i think i just hate myself, like anybody else hates themselves. i just feel like that because i feel like if i allow myself to love them, i'll get hurt again. i know about the whole wearing your heart on your sleeve thing, but i don't have the capacity for that right now. "the capacity for love and vulnerability?" yes, exactly that! lol. i want to love and be vulnerable but it often ends in rejection and shame for me. "then let it happen" i know! i know! then again, i literally can't. there is a part of me that cannot bear that anymore, the part that overtakes me completely like i am a PUPPET!!!!!!! *-*
so i won't. i won't try because i'm sooo fucking tired! i'm so unmotivated, i don't want to do anything ever again. i just need to lay down and be nothing for a while before i can be something.
this was a long one. lots happened, as well as nothing happened. micefleece will be inconsistent with these, it's a new revelation that has come to me.
tomorrow will be a better day micefleece... you got this micefleece...
micefleece brings AWFUL news today. i cried for the first time a few days due to stress from work! i am still a trainee at my new job, therefore i still wear my badge. this badge that clearly states "pls don't be mean to me i am extremely fucking new here" via the word TRAINEE, in fact, does NOT stop people from being absolute assholes. there were too many instances to count today, from customers straight up ignoring what i am asking of them, to customers attempting to argue the price they paid with me, and even to a customer trying to yell at me because the receipt wouldn't fully print. although supervisors came and helped me a few times, other times supervisors would come unwarranted and try to help me, despite the fact that i was doing things correctly. it even got to a point where the supervisor advised me to not do what i was doing, even though i was originally doing the correct thing! whatever. i love my job, today was just insanely overwhelming.
another thing, i'm feeling too attached to my current friends and want to put distance between myself and them. i'm scared of feeling dependent so i run away before that can happen. it's shitty, but i don't think i'm gonna stop myself because, first of all- i don't know how to. and secondly, i don't know if i want to because what if i get hurt? what if someone were to betray my trust? or not reciprocate the same appreciation as me?
anyways, micefleece is very unhappy today.
micefleece OUT! have a mice day if you're a MICE PERSON!
also... in the market for a muted pink cool tone lipstick. preferably something with a deep undertone in a way? something that isn't light but is only slightly deeper than my lip color. hoping i can find one soon. looking at pat mcgrath labs veiled rose but it's all sold out. i recently bought one at mac but its too warm for my liking, very much regretting my purchase, but what is there to do about it. oh well! also want the charlotte tilbury pillow talk fair lipliner! #expensive...
Miccccceeeefleeeeceeee... today was a day. worked a four hour shift and YOUCH! my back hurts like hell still! but now i have a headache, some customers had some attitude but it's fine! also might need to take my cat to the vet, cried today because i was worried about her dying because she's 13-14 years old. other than that, uneventful day truly. found out my shifts for the next two weeks and my pay check better be good..
overall, felt annoyed, upset, sad, and giggly today. happy that i laughed today, i love to laugh!
oof.. my back hurts like hell, and my knees. i think i need a sweet treat honestly but i am too lazy to get one now. soon... this is a form of discipline. which is important, not in an eating disorder way, but in a "desire is the root of suffering" way. do not give in until it is made sure... perhaps. then again, is desire the root of suffering, or is it uncertainty and greed?
woke up and left said friends house around 8:00am. didn't wake anyone up to even tell them other, i felt so shitty but i had to leave. i did clean up after myself before leaving. afterwards, stopped and got a muffin before going home and sleeping. went to the bank for a while, and after that i bought a new lock for my job. i waited around my house until the time came to embrace my first day at work, it was overwhelming but also chill at the same time. now i have homework to do but i wanna sleep so bad.
i feel like i wanna cry from everything that happened today. nothing bad happened but it must have overwhelmed me, and caused some repressed emotions to surface.
went to a friends house and hungout! other friends joined and we all stayed the night! finished watching challengers with a friend that i hangout with recently as well! got a sprite flavoured slurpee!!
MICEFLEECE! here to say, yesterday was a bland and slightly uneventful day. gave my two cats haircuts + baths, they HATED it! i felt bad for them, but they are clean and ready for summer now! afterwards, went to the mall and got myself some lipstick and dvd copies of dune and breakfast at tiffany's!
