#micefleece feels

[micefleece]

micefleece is back ho! kinda...

i've been going through the absolute gutters. my mental health has been at a horrible stand still for a while, and its been the past few weeks that i've almost imploded. i have been struggling for a while, and it's been a slow, but sure buildup that has been collecting for at least a few months, if not, a year now. more or less, i dunno. a lot of things have changed for me in the past year, i've lost my best friend (she's alive, things just happen) i made a new set of friends, i've met so many new people, i reconnected with people i shouldn't have, i joined something i was passionate about and i sacrificed so much for it- only to get nothing from it. life is full of lessons. life is full of failures. i am a failure, but i won't be the more i try. this is genuinely the most optimistic i've felt in a while, which sucks because i'm still extremely pessimistic. i lost a ton of weight, and half my head of hair. i got sober, i relapsed. i got grades i never thought i could get, i also felt like shit the whole time. i like my coworkers, but i feel like i'm failing at my job too. i became so awkward and it never went away. i fucking suck essentially, but i'm also kinda cool. i find that i am often mildly suicidal, and i question my being a lot. that's not good.

overall, i feel stupid, i feel hopeless, i am lost, i am not good enough, and i've failed. but there's nothing i can do about it, so i just have to keep going. i know that if i stop, there is genuinely no point in life anymore. it doesn't matter how shitty i feel, if i can't pursue my passions, then there is no life for me to live.

so i won't die, so i won't sit down and quit, so i won't feel bad for myself. i can't change anything, so i have to accept it and keep going.

micefleece OUT!

[micefleece]

also, a friend of mine and i have been planning a sleepover. she had to cancel this week because of work, however she got rescheduled so we can do it. however, unlike the original plan to go to her house and hangout, just the two of us- she's planning to go to another friends house, and have a big group sleepover with all the other friends of ours. this overwhelms me so much...

first of all, i am not in the mental space to be around that many people. i can essentially only talk to one person, maybe two at a time. anything beyond that and i will not talk or look at anyone. also, that's just incredibly draining, especially for a long period of time.

second of all, i like hanging out one-on-one more. big groups just overwhelm me, whether i know everyone or not. in this situation i am good friends with all of them.

also, the original plan was just the two of us so it kinda sucks that they changed last minute, especially because i messaged her about it and she was like "yeah i was gonna ask if you wanted to come to ***'s house and sleepover there. *** and *** might be there too." like, am i the last person to get this invitation.

also, i kinda feel left out sometimes. the last sleepover we had as a group, i found out they have a group chat without me. the excuse was "oh because you don't really go on insta," so? still invite me in? this has happened to me before, so i'm not incredibly hurt but it still sucks.

i've also just had issues with one girl in the group, she essentially stated to me that i wasn't a member for a long-time, therefore i'm not like an important enough member. she had no ill intent, but it still sucked to hear because it's most likely true.

i dunno. i think i just feel sad all the time recently, and i don't have enough in me to be around all those people. i don't wanna say anything though, i hate opening up to people. i don't know if the friend i was planning to hangout with would really care anyway. i don't know if i really matter to people, which is why i try not to open up. if i open up, i'll be disappointed when they don't care, and try to hurt me.

[micefleece]

holy moly dude, my cat ominously entered my room and the door creaked and i almost shit myself thinking it was a ghost...

feeling scared and silly haha

[micefleece]

also, about that friend i messaged at lunch in my may 14th recap, i think i am more so acquaintances with her rather than friends.

in a way, she's always been putting in less effort into our friendship, and over the past year i've been having to beg her for the bare minimum. i find that whenever i let myself mentally befriend her again, it results in me being disappointed and closed off. i feel like it contributes to my fear of rejection and my tendency to detach from people. time and time again, i find myself trusting her again, or feeling like things will be different, but they never are.

i never feel as if i never receive basic friendship. i always end up waiting for a response, and never receiving one. waiting for her to invite me out first for once, but she never does.

i'm not going to blame my internal issues on her, there's more to it than just her. she always apologizes and cries about how she never wants us to not be best friends, but then never does bare minimum even after i've asked. her inability to do bare minimum for me, especially when she goes beyond for others makes me feel like i must be an exhausting person, and that i'm asking for too much.

and yes, i've communicated this with her, but she blames her issues in life rather than fixing the situation. i think i should have kept up with my original plan of just not talking to her and letting us fade apart.

i wanted to communicate the reasons why i wanted to let go of her, but she always makes me feel like an asshole about it. i think partly because she always brings up whatever i've done wrong even if it happened over a year ago, and it was something i don't remember - and bringing up her own issues involving relationships with herself, family, or even god? but the biggest thing that makes me feel like an asshole is how much i care about her still? i don't want to hurt her feelings, but unfortunately that comes with the job.

will expand on how this has impacted my relationships with others in a different paragraph.