It’s hard to know where to start on the first letter to an imprisoned friend, let alone a parent. the art of letter writing has been supplanted in favour of SMS messaging and Email for my generation. Hello Father / Christopher, You’ve written many letters to me, all / most of which have been filed and stored for a day where I possess the strength of mind and character to be able to read them with an objective mindset; to divorce the emotional triggers that will surely send me into yet another spiral of self doubt, negativity and bile spewing. I hear through the grapevine about your current affairs, which i can only really express a distant form of sympathy towards, I’m sorry that shit has been going against you with Charlie; try not to give up ‘hope’ despite what may feel like desertion by those closest to you. The dwelling on ‘desertion’ is one of the major triggers for you… it isn’t a healthy state of mind. I haven’t written anything back until now, nor have i attempted one on one contact with you. this is a purely selfish act; or, depending how you wish to spin it, a purely selfless act. My priorities have changed. I have three amazing children (a photograph is sent alongside this, I hope it reaches you) who must be the primary focus of my life. There was once a child, born to a carcinogenic relationship between two other children, neither of whom were ready to bring life to the world. Despite advice from those that surrounded this partnership, the pair continued headlong into what can only be described as a trainwreck of parenthood. Since having my own children, I’ve become privy to just how bad things were between yourself, my mother and I during my formative years. I was left alone in a house with two rottweilers; I witnessed heavy violence, drug use and the inside of a police cell; I was raised on a healthy dose of anxiety and resentment, from both parents. All of this was just taken as normality, to a child that knew no different. Only upon reflection does it grieve me so much; to wonder how you both couldn’t pull it together to care for me the way you should have. Is it really healthy for a parent to attempt a self abortion using drugs and alcohol, only to fail and then boast of it later to the same childs friends in later childhood? Is it healthy for the same womans partner to allow this to happen; why did neither of you take a responsible course of action and pay a visit to the abortion clinic or adoption agency? I don’t blame either of you, nor do I hold any grudges. Grudges only fester and turn me into the very thing that I was raised within. It is my duty to break that cycle and ‘stem the flow’ of bad sentiment from my early youth. I have been diagnosed with ‘bipolar disorder’. This means that I go through patterns of elation at minor things, through to the deepest depressions about everyday life. I still have the same political tendencies as my early adulthood, yet more focused and keened to creation rather than destruction. I have no friends; I have no social skills; I lack the common elements of sociability that others find only too easy. I attempt to look at all issues objectively, in order to break them down to the core issues and ‘working parts’. I run roughly 40k each week. I avoid too much caffeine. I avoid too much sugar. I try not to drink more than twice a month. I do all of this to keep a handle on my state of mind. I’ve learned that when you raise a child the way I was raised, he will be prone to being a fuck up. If both of my parents were ruined by issues with their parents; If both of my parents have become failures at the only important job they had; why would I perpetuate and follow the same patterns? That sounds more callous than I wish it to. I don’t wish any harm to you…. in fact quite the opposite is true. I hope that you’re taking advantage of the enclosed ‘rehabilitation’ environment to it’s fullest. You could do with counselling by a trained professional in order to let go of some of the anxiety and anger you harbour. I’m unsure if HMP still offer any routes into recognised / certified education… The world needs intelligent people like yourself. You could get formal education in a subject that you enjoy, courtesy of the taxpayer, then leave incarceration with something to work with and towards. It has taken me until the age of 28 to reach a point where I realised that I’m actually pretty smart, despite (and to spite) my mother’s constant and relentless subjugation of any spirit of mine, or allusion to happiness through education. Regrettably I will not be a part of any journey you choose to undergo. I haven’t the psychological strength to support myself, let alone my family and my parents. Michael.
