[mid97x]

i have thousands of pictures of you. thousands.

all of em - smiles. love. adventures. memories i created FOR YOU.

my phone shoves them in my face every single day.

i did my fucking best.

[mid97x]

you let everyone else dictate my worth to you.

brett not choosing me as a best man reduced me in your eyes.

sam not choosing me as a best man reduced me in your eyes.

seeing my father reject me lowered my value in your eyes.

these instances and how i handle it - should have built me up to you. i’m so fucking strong and i can’t help that the people who should’ve been my closest peers end up jealous of me.

take brett, jealous i made my self into something after he tried to get me on every bandwagon and money making attempt he ever pursued on false promises to me that never happened.

take sam, jealous that i’m the best looking out of the family and have a FULL HEAD OF HAIR AND NICE TEETH yup. just like he admitted drunk at the bar after his wedding when he put it on full display that his own insecurities determined the value of our relationship and how he treats me.

i spent my whole childhood being a big brother to my cousin just to have him envy me.

i was the only person who stuck by brett’s side, through the compulsive lying, through the behavior and temperament issues. through the fake “i’m the man” persona he portrayed for years while i came to florida and literally started grinding from 14 on to make sure i have at least SOMETHING to work towards. all while he said “it must be nice”.

and here i am. always here. always a phone call away, always willing to listen and to help. putting my problems last because mine are lifetime issues and theirs are immediate issues.

i’d pick up the phone if you called. i’d drive 5 states away to help you change your tire.

i’d sink on the ship with you if i knew you’d do the same for me.

i’m the one who would give the shirt off my back - and all of you are the ones who would take the shirt off my back.

fuck all of ya. as hard as it is to say. i love you all. i care so deeply about all of you.

i just wish i got half that in return.

[mid97x]

makes no sense tbh.

to go from the girl who hated others for how she saw them treat me - to siding with the same stupid ass people.

wanted to get everyone on your side - then had no choice but to do what they said you should based of YOUR side of things.

never felt the need to use your behavior and actions as a reason to be away from you - all i wanted was accountability and that was impossible so now i get to be a piece of shit to you and yours for the rest of forever.

you can’t sit here and pretend like you don’t know how fucking unfair this is to me.

for a kid who was conceived through rape, beaten by the man who forced me into the world, gaslit as a CHILD for doing NOTHING other than BEING A KID, to getting raped by my own fucking brother multiple times, to getting basically disowned by my farther for wanting him to BE ACCOUNTABLE - to bringing you to meet him and getting threatened with the police simply for showing up and knocking on the door and speaking to the neighbor who hasn’t seen me since i was 11 years old. you’d think you’d would’ve learned to love me and actually CARE ABOUT A PERSON WHO DESPITE THE ODDS IS DOING REALLY FUCKING WELL. but nah. you get to join the list of people who would rather never speak to me again than just say FUCKING SORRY.

betrayal. no loyalty. you get to sit with all the people who judge me AND DONT KNOW THESE THINGS while you sit here and preach that “you can’t let your past define you” like you have ANY FUCKING IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO CARRY.

i’m so fucking hurt man. i get everything i want because i deserve it. then i chase people who don’t have the slightest clue what it’s like to live with a tortured soul. chewed up and spit out by everyone who was supposed to care. by everyone who i should be able to rely on. 29 years old and i’ve never once been able to ask my dad for ….advice….

29 years old and i’ve managed to be way above average at everything i put my mind to and i can’t even get acknowledged for how much ive overcame to be able to do this.

i told you i was broken. i told you im trying as hard as i can. if you were actually as soft and gentle with me as you pretend that you are as a person - id have never pushed you away. i wouldn’t have. i deserved love. i deserved it.

[mid97x]

very sad. very very very sad.

[mid97x]

bro lol.

literally the same dynamic again.

The one who acts like you wanna control them that you’ve never imposed any control onto at any point throughout your relationship other than getting them to respect your boundaries is the one who has you blocked on everything creeps on all of your public shit knowing you don’t have access to see anything they say or do.

Twisted and delusional

[mid97x]

yeah just like you said - i don’t deserve someone who’s not going to be patient with me.

i don’t deserve someone who’s going to make it impossible to mourn my 15 year old dogs death.

i don’t deserve someone who will abandon me when all i need is your accountability and apology.

i don’t deserve someone who wants everyone to be on their side.

i don’t deserve someone who’s isn’t going to comfort me after i bring them to meet my dad - who puts himself on full display for you to see exactly what makes it so difficult for me.

i don’t deserve someone who’s unwilling to accept their faults and grow through them.

i don’t deserve someone who’s doesn’t believe in me.

i miss you. but it’s clear that you’re still mean - at least towards me. still have the taste of distain in half the shit you post. like you’re trying to prove to yourself you’re happy. you’re not.

[mid97x]

imagine framing me as if i some horrible person who deserves to be miserable. it’s insane what people to do convince themselves of something.

[mid97x]

lol

[m00wd]

A person raised in love and another raised in survival, will never see the world the same way.

—M00wd

[adesperatovenereum]

Even a warrior melts for one touch

[mid97x]

recently lost the last piece of you i had access to. wish i could ask you to fix it. it’s so simple and so dumb but it made me feel connected to you still and it was extremely important to me. feeling like it’s officially over. i’ll miss you for ever.

[mid97x]

all i needed was patience and reassurance. that’s literally it. promised you wouldn’t give up on me.

now look at ya.

[mid97x]

it’s not revenge. you’re giving them what you never gave me. it’s really that simple.

[mid97x]

awe what happened 😂

[mid97x]

fuck my life.

[mid97x]

being given up on right before you hit your stride will forever be the worst feeling.

[mid97x]

so fucking unfair.