How does one begin to understand, to know without a doubt, the differences between dreams and reality? How does one comprehend the subtleties, the signs, when everything you know, everything you believed before used to say otherwise? After years of being dealt the same hand, of being reminded again and again that no matter what you do, no matter what you say, it would never be good enough. How do you look beyond what has been ingrained in you for so long and manage to see something good, when it is looking you straight in the eye?
I did not think it was possible, I could not dare to consider that things might be different, that I might actually be happy… but as I look upon his handsome face, as my fingertips trail over his fair skin, I cannot deny it. There is no question in my mind. I love him and yet… I can feel it, the lingering sense of unease and suspicion, always ebbing beneath the surface… reminding me of one thing. It impresses upon me the one prevailing and predominant fact, that no matter how high you climb, eventually you must come down. I find myself waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop, for the inevitable fall… all the while, clinging to this newfound hope that it will not. Gods how I wish to remain within this dream, with him and think of nothing else… but even I know that eventually we must leave this place, eventually we must return to reality…
A breath of wind slips through the open window, carrying with it the subtle salts of the ocean air, its cool embrace drifting over skin and leaving tingles in its wake. Even in the midst of such despair, of such dark thoughts I cannot help but smile at the sensation, at the comforts found as I lay entangled with him.
There is a profound sense of clarity in the light of the morning, in the softness of his peaceful expressions as he yet sleeps and it is in that moment that I realize… things are different now. No matter how certain, how desperate and dark the days were before… he has become my light and I… his. Somehow we managed to pull each other from that place, remind ourselves that there is something worth fighting for, someone…
I look upon him then, taking in the darkness of his raven locks and the subtle curves of his lips and I cannot help but think… Let the proverbial shoe drop, let the winds rip at me as I fall, I care not, for I have the one thing now that I did not have before, the one thing I never expected… a man worth loving, a man who loves me in return… A man who will catch me when I fall and whom I can say, without a doubt, that I would give my very life for, without hesitation, without question.
So let it come, let reality break down the doors and remind us of its fury… we are ready for it, come what may.
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