a lot has happened over the past few months.
tw: animal death, depression
TL;DR:
Was real depressed, failed a course
Got a chance to make up for failed course, passed
Got real depressed again, failed another course
Fought it, passed the course
My cat died
Started a co-op placement
Feelin' weird today
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I failed a course in my bachelor's program because I was going through a depressive episode. It was right around the time I started most of my blogs on here. I just... couldn't keep up with anything. I was gone to the world, and being here was a beautiful respite. My spouse was (and still is) beautifully supportive, and I'm so thankful I have them.
But I got the chance to make up for it. I got an extra assignment (on top of the course load for the next semester), and I managed to pass. The extreme high of passing and knowing I was still in my program was met with another crash. Another episode. I was gone to the world again, but I was too embarrassed and sad to post anywhere. I don't remember much from my winter 2023 semester, just that I wasn't... here, you know? I wasn't in my body. I was somewhere else.
I failed another course, but this time, I fought it. It was law (why they made us take a law course in a design program, I'll never know), and I failed by 2%. I fought. I was so fucking angry and distressed, but the prof relented. I can't go into the details of it. I'll just get mad. Suffice to say, I'm glad I passed.
I got a co-op placement. I was overjoyed. Things were looking up. I had a week between the end of my winter semester and my 8-month placement starting.
My semester ended on April 21st. I saw a friend on the 22nd. On the 23rd, my cat didn't get up for breakfast. He just laid on the couch, raised his head, and set it back down. I should've taken that as a sign something was very wrong, but I brushed it off. My spouse fretted over him (an understatement, I assure you).
He hadn't really eaten anything by the 24th. We took him to the emergency vet.
The 24th, 25th, and 26th were a mess. The poor thing was in and out of three clinics - two emergency and our regular vet's office. I slept on the floor with my kitten. I barely ate. I tried to be nonchalant. Of course my baby was fine - he just wanted to freak us out. He'd done it before, and we'd all come out of it alright. My spouse was anxious, and I couldn't blame them.
On the night of the 26th, I finally let myself descend into worry. I asked my spouse, "You think he's gonna be okay... right?"
They reassured me. He was going to be okay. He was being monitored, and his condition was taking a turn for the better. He was going to come home tomorrow. I was so confident that everything would be okay that I saw a friend on the 27th.
It was mid-to-late afternoon when my spouse called me. I thought maybe it was time to pick up my cat.
I remember saying, "Hey honey, what's up?" They were quiet for just a second, and then I heard a choking sob. I knew. I knew. I knew. They didn't have to say it. I knew. I couldn't move. The friend I was with called my name once. Twice. I was frozen. I knew. I knew. I knew.
Kidney failure. He wasn't going to make it, and we weren't going to let him suffer. We rushed to the vet's office. Our friend stayed with us the whole time. When he was brought into the room, we all knew it was time.
I'm grateful that I got to hold him as he passed. I held him in my arms, repeating, "I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you."
It's been 4 months, 2 weeks, and 5 days since my kitten died. A family member warned me not to ritualize his death - that it would only make it harder to find peace. They're right. I don't care. I want to know how long I've been without him. One day, I won't need to know. But right now, I do.
I started my co-op placement on Monday, May 1st. I spent 4 hours commuting (2 hours to work and 2 hours to home) for the first 3ish months. I was exhausted all the time. I would get up at 5:30 am, leave the house at 6:00 am, come home at 6:00 pm - 6:30 pm, and be asleep by 7:30 pm - 8:00 pm.
I started to work from home in late July (thank fucking gods). I get up a half hour before I'm supposed to start most days. I'm still tired, but not as much.
I like my placement. I like the work, I like my coworkers. I like what I do. If I hadn't had this structure, I would have toppled harder into the abyss. I only cried at my desk a few times, and I think only one person picked up on it (and only once). I don't think I would have done anything rash, but the summer months would have been lost.
I miss my kitten. I dream about him from time to time. I won't dig deep into my spiritual beliefs in this post, but I know he's visited. I know it's him in the dreams where he presses his forehead to mine. I know that when I tell him, "I know, buddy, I missed you too," it's not just a subconscious form of coping.
I can't remember him very well when I'm awake. Sometimes, it feels like we never had two cats, just one. I have difficulty remembering where he would curl up or the sound of his meow. When he first passed, I thought I saw him everywhere. Now, it's all fuzzy around the edges.
But when I dream, I see him healthy and happy. He's firm. He's here.
Sorry. This is the part that's been sticking with me the most. Maybe it's because losing him was so recent. Maybe because I just... can't remember much between October 2022 and April 2023.
Good things have been happening, too.
I've been learning Blender (though I don't think I've drawn anything for the past month and a half). My spouse and I have had beautiful days together. I've seen friends. Thanks to my co-op being paid, we've gotten some things we've needed for a long time.
I read a lot of r/NoSleep on Reddit. It makes me want to write again. I got Tears of the Kingdom and decided to go for 100% on this run. I got Portal 1 and 2 on my switch - I beat Portal 2 for the first time a couple of weeks ago (god, it's a good game). I was playing DnD with an old friend, but work got in the way. I think I'll be able to pick up again soon, though.
I dream of my kitten.
I'm feeling empty today. Well, not exactly empty. My head is a jar with a hornet inside. I can't focus on anything, and I feel like I'm vibrating, but I can't bring myself to move. I don't feel sad, but I don't feel happy. I guess I'm anxious.
This is a lot. And it's really just a stream of consciousness at this point. I dunno. I'm still going to post this and repost it to my other blogs (DiscoBrainRot and MightBeArt), but it might all get deleted at some point. I dunno.
Anyways. I hope I come back to posting more. Hopefully soon. I hope to get back to drawing and share some of the stuff I'm doing in Blender. I can't make any promises, but I can try.
A lot has happened over the past few months. I'm tired. But I'm okay. Or I will be.
And that's enough.
