Late Apologies to the One I Broke @mightywarriorofsilentbattles - Tumblr Blog

I miss freya. 😢

Goodbye Letter to Freya

My dearest Freya,

I do not know how to start saying goodbye to you. You were never just a dog to me. You were my constant, my comfort, my quiet reason to keep going when everything else felt too heavy.

I am so sorry if there were moments I failed you. I am sorry for every time I worried I did not do enough, or wondered if I could have done better. Please know that every decision I made was out of love, even when I was afraid.

Thank you for staying with me through my darkest days. Thank you for being gentle when I was breaking, playful when I needed light, and loyal even when I felt unworthy of it. You never asked for anything except to be near me.

I like to believe you waited. That you waited for the moment you felt at peace, knowing you were loved, knowing we’re not alone. If you chose your time, I hope it was because you felt safe enough to rest.

I will miss your presence in every quiet corner. I will miss the sound of you moving around, the way you looked at me like I was your whole world. You were mine, too.

Rest now, my love. Run free without pain, without weakness. Carry my love with you wherever you are. I will carry you with me always.

I love you. I always will.

Dec 20–21

I woke up late and the first thing I did was check on Freya. I was already so worried. It had been a week since we brought her to the vet, but her progress was painfully slow. I messaged the doctor again, sharing my concerns, but the only reply I received was that her follow up checkup would be tomorrow. So I did what I could. I fed her again and gave her vitamins, hoping it would help, even just a little.

I still went to work. I spent some time studying a hydroponics system for planting lettuce. Lettuce has become so expensive, and we keep running out. Since we already had some materials available, I decided it would be practical to finally make use of them.

Someone I had been quietly hoping for came by. He wanted to check on Freya, our furbaby. She was four years old, just a few months short of how long we were supposed to be together. Freya responded to him. We fed her together. She could still walk and even tried to resist when we were syringe feeding her. Seeing her fight gave me hope.

Later, we went out for dinner and then headed to the city for the highlight and last night of the festival. For a moment, we were genuinely happy. We shared a couple of bottles of beer, then went to the dance floor and danced like nothing else existed.

When we came back to the room, everything stopped.

We found Freya lifeless.

I still cannot fully believe it. But in that moment, I had to be the stronger one between us. I had to say the words out loud and tell him that Freya was gone.

Even now, Freya, you are still my angel. You made me smile after long and exhausting days. You made my mornings softer, even before they began. And somehow, even in your leaving, you brought warmth back into my life. You made him call me “langga” again after such a long time.

I am left with so many what ifs. What if I had not brought you here. What if you had received better care somewhere else. Where did I go wrong. It feels like every time happiness comes back, it takes something precious in return. It feels like you waited, like you just wanted him to come and say goodbye.

But what about me.

You were my priority. I still have so many things I ordered for you, waiting to arrive. You were my companion during my darkest days. The sweetest, smartest, and most well behaved dog I have ever known. You were my reason to keep fighting.

And now, I am learning how to breathe without you.

Dec 19

I am still constantly worrying about Freya’s condition. Everyone keeps asking how she is, and I tell them the same thing every time that she is now drinking on her own and starting to resist a little when I force feed her through the syringe. It feels like a small sign that she is fighting back. I followed her medication and feeding schedule strictly today, from 6 a.m. until 11 p.m. I also kept cleaning her with tissues since she is in heat, making sure she stays as comfortable as possible.

It was another busy day at work. I had to handle orientation and scheduling for the OJTs, on top of my usual administrative tasks, marketing work, guest concerns, and staff issues. Everything felt nonstop, but I pushed through.

For the first time in a long while, maybe almost a month, I managed to work out again. I focused on chest, triceps, and biceps. It felt good to move my body, like reclaiming a small part of myself that I had neglected.

In the evening, I had dinner by the beach with my staff. We talked and planned a night out for tomorrow since it will be the highlight of the fiesta. One of my staff, who won ten thousand pesos from online gambling, which I do not really tolerate, offered to treat everyone.

I have also been inviting someone to come over, making excuses here and there. I say that Freya misses him, that everyone here wants him to come back and join us for the fiesta. I even ordered pastries for him to be delivered here. I tell myself it is just an invitation, but deep down, I know I am still hoping he will come.

Dec 15–18, 2025

It has been days since I last wrote. My focus shifted completely to my dog. Freya has been sick, and she has taken over every part of my day. I wake up at six in the morning and stay up until eleven at night just to follow her medication schedule. I worry constantly because her progress has been very slow.

Yesterday, she finally started drinking on her own. I am still feeding her through a syringe, but that small step felt like a win. She has been my only priority since she got sick. I do not really care about anything else right now, or maybe I am just getting used to his cold replies and the lack of care he shows toward me.

In the middle of one shift, we had a small Christmas exchange at work. There were soft gifts, hard gifts, and even tall ones that made everyone laugh just trying to carry them. For a brief moment, there was lightness. A little laughter passed around, jokes were shared, and it felt nice to be part of something warm, even if only for a short while.

To be honest, his replies have actually improved since I went back to the resort. He replies faster now and answers more conversationally. I still have to start the conversations most of the time, but I do not mind it as much. I was not expecting this kind of progress so soon.

Still, I cannot stop myself from overthinking. I wonder who he is with, if he really goes home to rest or goes out with someone else, who he eats lunch or dinner with, who he has coffee with. If there is really nothing to worry about, why is he not telling me? So what is this progress really? What do we have now? What exactly am I fighting for?

I have not allowed myself to think too deeply about it. Right now, all I want is for Freya to get better. On top of that, it has been an extremely busy season at the resort with admin work and reports, people management, and booking quotas all piling up.

Sometimes I think Freya is looking for him too. And if I am being honest, I keep talking to him because I want him to come here, not only for Freya, but for me as well.

I am still in my dark place. I still have no one to really talk to about my stress, because I do not want to overwhelm him. I keep holding things in, hoping there will be someone I can be honest and transparent with, someone who listens without pressure or expectation. I honestly do not know if or when that will happen.

sentientsky

repeating this to myself forever and ever

remanence-of-love

undisclosed-desires-3

:)(:

Dec 14

I got home late, close to midnight. Around five in the morning, I noticed my dog was not feeling well. She was feverish and struggling to breathe. I could not sleep, but the vet would not open until nine in the morning, so all I could do was watch her and wait.

When the clinic opened, we went straight in. The vet ran a parvo test, which came back negative, thankfully. She was given an injection for the fever and sent home with prescriptions. I fed her with a syringe, gave her water mixed with dextrose, and her medication. Slowly, her condition started to improve. I also finished my work late because I was taking care of her and still needed to complete my reports for tomorrow.

Moments like this remind me why I am afraid to be happy. Every time things start to feel lighter, I brace myself, expecting that something painful will follow.

Dec 13

The day felt light. Your replies were surprisingly better, and that alone made a difference. I even felt a little guilty toward my Tumblr for almost missing a day of journaling, because somehow I was feeling okay. I guess I am just here whenever I do not feel good.

I have learned to appreciate even the smallest improvements, anything better than the days before, because I already know how bad it can get.

Work kept me busy. It is peak season now and we are fully booked. Everyone was in a good mood because the 13th month pay had just been released. After the shift, most of us went out for drinks. There was a band playing in the city, and we danced and drank. I laughed, I moved, I felt alive, but even then, I still wished you were there with me.

Dec 12, 2025

We slept really heavy. We woke up late. U woke up late and watched u slept. Never want us to get out of the bed because u were hugging me.

But we needed to prepare. I have to leave for work. I drove to and we driving, i asked u, if u can really see someone else and not fall in-love with them. And u replied if i entertained a lot and did not fall in-love how much more him. I did not reply, because deep inside i dont want to share u with anyone. And i know how much effort u do with someone if you cares. I dont want you to share the care to anyone.

And while waiting for my service to work, i invited you for coffee. I ordered our usual barista coffee with cinnamon powder on top but not just vente in the grande cup. Then u come with me where my service will picked me up. I appreciate that u really walked with me till my last time in town.

Now, my agony starts again, overthinking what will be our future. I cant wait to come back but i know it will not be until next year. I cant stop thinking of how many times u can meet someone else during my those times i am not around. And what and if there is anything left for me to go back.

Dec 11, 2025

Last night until this morning were some of the happiest moments I’ve had since it finally sank in that we’re not together anymore. You went to the bar where we were drinking. You came with me to my hotel room. We went out for street food. We ran together and had breakfast. I am truly happiest when I’m with you, when you let me love you, when you allow me to show my dedication.

I didn’t want to leave your side, but I had to go to training. I was already an hour late, but I still left because I needed to. The whole time, all I wished for was for the training to end quickly so I could return.

After training, my friend and I went back to the same bar and you went, too. We talked about life but avoided the topic of “us.” We didn’t even keep count of how many amarettos we drank. Then we went home.

Before sleeping, I pushed myself to speak—to be brave—because I wanted to be honest with you this time. I didn’t want to overwhelm you, but I needed to tell you something real. You listened. I said I wanted to start on the right foot. I told you I wouldn’t entertain anyone else anymore. I told you I wouldn’t mind if you did, but I hoped you’d let me know if you ever started gaining feelings for someone so I would know when to stop. As long as you were willing to hold on to me, I would fight, for you, for us.

I told you honestly that I can’t make it without you. You didn’t agree, but you didn’t disagree either. You just said something that stunned me, that I’m such a good actor, and that I should just do whatever I want because you know you can control yourself.

Then there was silence. I scratched your back like I used to until you fell asleep. I couldn’t sleep, so I played the online game you were playing, the one I installed just so I’d have something to share with you. I held on to your hug. I wanted to memorize it. It might be the last time we sleep beside each other this year.

Dec 10, 2025

I slept only three hours. I forced myself to sleep because my mind wouldn’t stop. When I woke up, the same heaviness was still there. I just wanted the pain to stop. I thought of my sister, she’ll be okay. My mom is still there, stronger than anyone I know. My older sister too. I thought of my relatives and friends; I know they love me, but no one really knows what I’m carrying. No one understands. No one asks. And it isn’t their fault. I’ve always been the tough one, the smart one, the one who can handle anything. Even I didn’t expect to crumble like this. And somehow, I convinced myself they’d all be fine without me.

I traveled three hours going to the conference venue. Met a friend who knows my situation. I told her more details, and I broke down. Now I’m here in a CR cubicle, crying.

His is still reply cold, distant, careful.

—

So I asked him thru text if there’s even a small space in his heart where he can open up to me without reservation. I know it wasn’t fair for me to demand answers, but I’m unraveling and trying so hard to hold myself together.

He said he is still healing. He said things that made sense. And I know he is right. I know all of it is valid. But I told him, I also know myself, I hide everything until I can’t anymore. And the fact that I’m saying it now means I’m at my limit.

Then the topic changed because he had a client.

During lunch break, I tried smoking for the first time. I never understood why people enjoy it, but I tried. I finished four sticks. I still don’t know if it helped or made things worse.

After training, my friend and I went out for a drink. She shared her own story, something I could surprisingly relate to. I somehow spitted out my plan to end my pain. She said things, valid things, but deep down nothing changed how I feel. I had an entirely different plan for today… I’m not changing it because things got better, but because I had no chance to carry it out.

I messaged him to come to the bar to bring the barong I needed for tomorrow, a stupid excuse just so I could see him and have a chance to talk. When he arrived, I felt immediately that he wanted to leave. I tried to talk, but he was on your phone. I asked if he wanted dinner.

You said no.

So we went home because he was tired.

I wanted to ask if there’s anything left for me to hold on to. Even a little. If there was even the smallest bit of hope, I would fight for us. If none, I’d try to let him go. But was not able to say because I am afraid to let him go.

When we arrived at the house, I stayed outside and smoked two more sticks. When I went inside, I told he I had a free hotel room and wanted to do a recovery run in the morning. He wasn’t interested, so I brushed it off. I wouldn’t trade any chance to be with hkm, no matter how small.

Then he went to the room and asked if I wasn’t going to stay in the hotel. I told him I would, if he came with me. I asked him softly, almost pleading. He didn’t reply, but he also didn’t say no. So I packed clothes for both of us, just in case.

I was shocked. He came with me.

When we arrived at the hotel, he asked to eat street food outside, and I got excited. I felt alive again, even for just a second. But in my head, I kept asking myself: until when? Only when I’m around? What happens when I go back to work, when I won’t be able to come home for days? What happens when I’m gone and the other guy is near?

I bought him the food he liked, dugo, BBQ, chicken skin, Mountain Dew.

We walked back to the room.

And suddenly, I was looking forward to sleeping beside him again. Even if he will only use me. Even if I’m holding on to something that hurts me more than it heals me.

Because for tonight, he is here.

And that’s enough for me, even if it shouldn’t be.

Do you talk about me like I’m the worst person, as if I never did anything good for you?

Feels like the world would keep spinning even if I stopped moving.

Problem with me is I always believed I would never be enough. I was never content with myself. And I ended up losing someone who actually was.

I doubted myself so much, I lost someone who never doubted me.

Dec 9, 2024

I tried to focus on work the whole day while constantly chatting with you. Your replies weren’t quick, but at least you replied. You weren’t as cold as you were weeks or months ago, but you also weren’t as open as when we were together. During lunch, I ate with my colleagues boodle-style, just rice and grilled bangus. I tried to distract myself, at least for that moment.

It has only been a day since you left, but I already missed you badly. I even made an excuse to attend a conference in the city, forcing my way to join, just so I could go home tomorrow. I honestly don’t care about the conference. I just want to go home and be with you.

Later, I prepared for the awarding event. During the program, one of our friends sent a message he saw you having dinner in a restaurant with someone. I sent a photo, and he confirmed the guy was him.

At this age, I never thought I would still experience episodes worse than the ones I already survived before. This time, it was so heavy that I finally understood why some people just want the suffering to stop by ending their lives. My chest hurt, my hands were cold, I had chills, and I couldn’t breathe properly. I wanted the pain to end. Of all the heartbreaks I’ve experienced, this is the one I can barely manage.

I received four awards tonight. I was second in line optio to speak, and thank God the first choice didn’t refuse, because if she had, I wouldn’t have been able to stand in front of everyone in my condition. The food was served, but I didn’t eat. I knew I would just vomit.

It was the longest, heaviest episode I’ve had. I couldn’t understand how you could meet him after all the days we just spent together. After all the nights we slept together. After everything I did to make you feel loved. It has only been a day since you left. And now I won’t be coming home for more days, which means you’ll have more time to see him while I’m here suffering, unable to do anything but carry this pain alone.

I thought I’d already survived the worst. Now, i understand why people just want to die to end suffering.

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