Watching the breakup of another feedist couple, and all my deepest-seeded fears brought to life.
A few months ago there was a post going around from a feedee recommending that if one really wanted to pack on the pounds, feedees should think about getting a feeder. This made my heart drop on so many levels. It highlighted how feedees can enjoy their kink without a feeder at all. It lay bare the difference between a romantic partner who is also a feeder and a feeder who is a kink dispenser (even if consentual.) It reopened every question I have about my value in a feedist relationship.
Feedees are the ones who have to live with this kink in public 24/7. It changes your body, and that body will be scrutinized and judged non-consensually and usually negatively. In many ways it is difficult and vulnerable and I do not want to lessen that risk or consequence.
But feeders cannot practice this kink without a feedee. There is no solo version for us. (Unless buying food for randos is satisfying on its own for some feeders--maybe it is.) Our version of 24/7 feedism might not be as obvious and public, but it a lot more lonely. We are the purveyors of kink--and we like it that way--and we don't get anything back. There is no "my turn" within the kink. The focus of feedism for both feeder and feedee is the feedee.
What we "get" is a feedee. And if that feedee wants a feeder but not a partner, what we are "getting" might be very little. The chance to pay attention to someone else for a few hours at a time? A one-way attention funnel? A Saturday night motel when the real partner is out of town?
This kink hinges on so much trust. The feedee has to trust a feeder to take care of them (however roughly you want to interpret that) but the feeder has to trust that the feedee gives the slightest fuck about us. I love that element of kink, of having to be bonded in trust for it to be really good, but it is also terrifying. I hate the way the language can be abused to hide what you really want from a person you are being really vulnerable and intimate with.
Yes, you want a feeder. What does that mean about your partnership? Do you want that human in particular?
I suppose this does go both ways, but today I am feeling my version, my fears. I don't want to just be a feeder. I want to be partner to a real human. I don't want just a feedee. It isn't real until the other part, the committment to me the human, is consumated.
God, do vanilla people have to overexplain like this? Feedism is my sexuality, and my sexuality is part of who I am, full-time. Why do we treat "relationships" and "sexuality" like two different needs? It is the same need. It's one need.
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