thoughtfulexhale @mindlessinhale - Tumblr Blog

im tired of being the good time. the one that feels good but you cant be with. the one you shouldnt be with, you couldnt possibly be with. im tired of stroking your ego, hoping that youll reciprocate the compliments and attention for once. im tired of convincing myself that youll pick me one day. im tired of wondering how much i should hold back from you, and im tired of hating myself when i think ive shared too much. im tired of feeling ugly and stupid whenever im around you. im tired of waiting for you to magically destroy all of my insecurities. im tired of forgetting i don’t need anyone to complete me. im tired of feeling incomplete without your attention. im tired of you filling the void that needs to be free for the right love to fill it. im tired of all the excuses i come up with for not taking care of myself, and for failing to create boundaries. im tired of how complicated love feels.

even though i know it will end, i want to enjoy the ride.

forbiddenforrest

buttersvelvethead

chandlerbings

Write down how you’re feeling 10/27/17

i’m so lonely. i have been fighting and trying so hard to create these bonds with people that just keep failing. and i put so much pressure on them because i feel like i lost my family. realizing the love you have is conditional is what triggered this spiral of isolation and the older i get, the harder it gets to cope with it.

#trying to articulate

Post Grad: 1 Month In

I decided to come back to LA a month after I moved. My thought process was:

“Of course I’ll come down. Everyone will be so excited to see me. Hell, I’m really excited to see them! I’m visiting home. It might be too early, and people might not have had the chance to miss me yet... but I want to go! It’ll work out :) Because I think I’m valued. It will be exciting. It’ll be what I need right now.”

And honestly, this is what I need right now. But I can feel how little (or differently) I’m valued. No one really...cares that I’m here. No one is dropping what they are doing to see me. And I know i shouldn’t expect it, but i cant help to because that’s what I would do to be with my friends. So maybe they aren’t really my friends?

It doesn’t feel like home. It’s so different already. My “home” disappeared. And thats a tough pill to swallow because LA as a home was built from the death of my actual home. So now what?

Post grad for me is beginning to mean starting completely over. Truly letting go of my past and moving forward. I need to stop looking back because all it brings me is emptiness and pain. I just hope life begins for me soon. Because I’m fucking tired.

#post grad #adulting