under the surface

what i can never say aloud

[mindofnina]

the sky is a lot bluer tonight. its not its usual midnight black-blue shade. and i dont know why, but for some reason i feel like theres some type of significance behind this.

[italianfruitcup]

back in 2014, i gave a bracelet with my name on it to this guy i liked. i dont think he realized the importance of that bracelet.

[mindofnina]

i want it back

[mindofnina]

last night i smoked my first cigarette since 2014...

[mindofnina]

i dont think ill ever be completely content with my life

[mindofnina]

One thing I learned is that you don't have to do anything wrong for someone to leave you. That's just life. And I'm sorry I have to do that to you.

[mindofnina]

im always one foot in and one foot out. i guess its just because i wanna be safe. i always need to feel a sense of security to know ill be alright in the end. i dont like committing to something because nothing is ever guaranteed. having something means it can be taken away from you. so i hold back. if its meant to be then it will happen. and if it falls apart, then ill always have something to fall back on.

[mindofnina]

youd think a person would remember something like that. guess i was the only one that thought it was important.

[mindofnina]

a nigga that doesnt appreciate your matching underwear doesnt deserve you

[mindofnina]

i just really need someone to vent to right now. but i just dont think i can talk to anyone about this like that anymore.

[mindofnina]

i should have taken the ship date in june. i just want to leave. i just want to be away now. i want to end my life here and start my new one. and i feel like shit because i care so much about what ill be leaving behind but its so impossible. everything seems so impossible right now. i just want to be taken away right now. that way i wouldnt have to deal with this and say it was just bad timing, just like everything else that didnt go right in this fucking life.

[mindofnina]

God is so cruel. How is he gonna give me the perfect person, only to take her away from me?

[mindofnina]

always stuck somewhere between wanting to start my entire life over or wanting to end it completely

[mindofnina]

i think too much im not good enough for anyone im incapable of loving properly im too complicated my mind is fucked up

[mindofnina]

i still fucking care and its pathetic because you dont

[mindofnina]

i used to remember everything so clearly

i could think back to every time we hung out or every conversation we had and i could remember every word we said. i used to be able to remember every detail, like when our eyes met and how softly you spoke and how gentle your touch was. i would remember what you were wearing and what i was wearing and the music playing in the background and the scent of your cologne lingering. i would be able to recall which words your voice broke at or your eyes crinkled at before youd laugh. i would remember the tempo of your breath and your heart beat as you fell asleep beside me. i used to be able to remember every single detail. but not anymore. so much has happened since then. theres so much more to remember now. new memories replace old memories. all of that stuff is just meshed in with the rest of the things left in the past. and it amazes me how much things can change, how theres such a difference in what was important to me back then and what i find important now.

[mindofnina]

Never stop being a party ass nigga.

Jordan Welch, 2016, last advice before deployment

[mindofnina]

a new era has begun