I finally deleted my ex off all of my social media. I never kept her because I missed her, it was more of an attachment thing. It’s hard for me to let things go even if I don’t care about them anymore. It’s really odd, but I was going through my old notes and found this one, written mostly after she told me that she felt like she was using me for sex and that she didn’t feel connected emotionally anymore. She fell asleep shortly after and I was left alone to write in the same bed as hell. I wrote myself 100 reasons why I shouldn’t give up on our relationship. In the end, it didn’t work out and I ended up happy with someone else, but at the time...... man.....
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Reasons why I shouldn't give up
1. The way you sleep is adorable. I wouldn't want to lay with anyone else.
2. I've thought about us being longer than 10 months. Relationships are hard for me. Long term is hard for me. But somehow, I managed to get past that. I can't say what I want exactly, but I know I need to grow with you to find out. I'm young, I have a lot I want to do before I "settle" but, I'm also in love. And I want to have this feeling for as long as I can. My goal is that. I guess.
3. Are you okay? I'm not sure. You may be getting better but this is a really odd turn. You're not eating as much, you lost weight, and you haven't gone to therapy in a while. Can I really judge everything off what state of mind you're in now?
4. You don't think of me as a tool. Thank you.
5. You loved me. And wanted to be together for much longer than what I was thinking before. I wasn't ready but now I am. I don't want to be too late.
6. You are so cute. You make me smile even if my heart is broken.
7. When I see you, I feel the same way I did at Knox.
8. You're beautiful no matter how ugly you look when you cry. I'm always going to love how you look because I love you for the inside as well.
9. Sometimes I feel like I didn't try hard enough. I felt like you did so many little things for me and I couldn't do the same for you.
10. I am only begining to understand why you felt disconnected
11. The sex. When we were arguing, I was talking to Edgar about how sex changed for me. How I didn't just wanna do it to do it, how everytime I did it, I wanted to make love. It really hurts that you thought we had a physical bond but not emotional. I honestly felt like we were so connected. Why did you cry? Why did you speak so passionatly on it? I said I loved you when I was inside of you not to make it better physically, but because I meant it and wanted to give you my soul. Everything of mine is yours. I should stay because I need answers and I need to explore.
12. I've been trying to figure out what love is for a long time, I felt like I was figuring it out with you. I still want to.
13. You're faithful. Even if you didn't want to see me at some point, you never did things to intentionally hurt me, or you never made mistakes that would drastically hurt me.
14. I don't want my shirt back. It's yours. I don't want to make it mine again. It's yours. No matter what happens, its yours. I want to make sure it stays yours.
15. I know we don't have another gapple. I know we would have to struggle for so long. But on my end, I felt it was worth it for happiness.
16. I cried a lot while you were asleep. You move me.
17. Christmas? I enjoyed your presence. I wasn't so happy that day but I enjoyed being with you.
18. New Years? Babe we played a stupid card game together and laughed. And I loved it. It made me think of how stupid we can be together. It's honestly one of my favorite memories.
19. I wish I knew what it felt like to have a hard time talking to you. I haven't felt that. Not the way you said it. Why is this a reason to stay? To prove that we can still talk.
20. What if you ARE looking at things the wrong way in terms of our relationship?
21. What if you'll feel better about us later on
22. I've moved so much around for you.
23. I go to UIUC and at first was a little worried about what would happen if I got drunk with females around. I learned that I could be faithful and that when you really care about someone, no amount of alcohol could push you to that. At least for me.
24. Shedd was nice. I was grateful. I was reserved. It doesn't mean I wasn't interested. I'm sorry baby.
25. Im awkward. But I thought you could deal with it and see that I try.
26. I try so hard for you. Please realize that alot of what you want wasn't natural for me to begin with.
27. I know of your past, but I don't think I know enough.
28. It hurts to think that this could be the last time we sleep together.
29. I don't sleep comfortable with you either. I wake up all the time. I'm not super great at sharing a small bed and I don't think we need to be on top of each other all the time. It's normal.
30. I used to think you loved me more than I loved you, then it balanced out, but now? ... I want balance in some way.
31. You're not sure of anything. I can only decipher a few things. Mostly that you love me because you always have.
32. There's one night I remember when you were asleep holding on to my arm and I said to myself that I could get used to living like this. Sara I wanted something for the long run. Well, want.
33. I still want to find out if you don't need me anymore now that you're "better".
34. No more lies. I need honesty even if it hurts right now.
35. About the disconnect: did you feel I wasn't trying? Or did you feel like it was naturally turning this way.
36. You can love me, but you don't have to be with me. I understand that. I want to know where this leads.
37. I have more to give.
38. Isn't this growth? I made an emergency visit for you. I said fuck it and changed my plans. Is this not growth?
39. Love evolves. It's supposed to be this way.
40. Knowing you don't miss me hurts. But is that your life right now? Can you feel? You said things dont affect you. What will happen when you do? What will happen when your feelings come back? Where will I be?
41. You wake up in the middle of the night and ask if I'm okay.
42. I don't doubt that you care about me. It's just if you care to continue to relationship.
43. I care. So much.
44. What options do we have? Let's talk.
45. You're my notebook.
46. I felt like we have a mature relationship.
47. Physically, I think we work well. I think it's important too.
48. I get annoyed of you sometimes but so do old married couples. Can you see where I'm going with this?
49. You are my first love. That's no reason to continue with something that doesn't work, but if it can be fixed, and it's what I want, why would I give it up?
50. I'm up writing because of you.
51. I started saying that you inspire me. You make me better and make me try new things. You help me create. You INSPIRE me. Baby I'm starting to not agree with the stagnent thing. This is new. What do you think?
52. Since I left you after break, I missed you right away. Baby what happened? I thought you did too. Let's figure this out.
53. I cried to you today. I have never cried in front of anyone. Is that not growth? That's how free I am now.
54. I'd give you the world if I could.
55. You don't seem like you and I want to wait for you to come back. I miss you Sara.
56. Princess Beaver! Babe I love teasing you. I felt like an annoying husband.
57. When you blew on my ear on the CTA. It felt like we were such a good couple.
58. On the way to my bus, I felt so happy and complete and I loved you and you seemed the same. Baby please tell me how its been bad.
59. I want to fix the bad.
60. If this is a new stage in your life when you're gunna get better, I want to be there. I know its rough right now but I'm patient and I love you.
61. "If I end up with her, I would probably end up happy"
62. No promises. Just thoughts. But the fact that I thought it. This was Christmas btw.
63. I had a conversation about relationships with Melina. She said she can't take me seriously and I said this is the first time I am.
64. I feel like we can make it work baby we just need understanding.
65. I write this and I still call you my love. It's ingraved in me.
66. I felt weird using cute names and saying cuddles before. I grew.
67. Immanuel said we're the same person. That feels great.
68. Im tired but I can't sleep. I won't until I get balance.
69. You fuck me right.
70. We're silly.
71. I write you cute texts at night because I feel like that's when I want you the most. The moments where I'm calm and can think clearly are when I'm silent. When it's dark and there's no distractions, I need your touch. In my everyday life, I have you on my mind until I can sleep.
72. Here's the thing. Sometimes I think that I'm so busy that if we were together in person, we wouldn't even talk everyday. It would be something we wouldn't talk advantage of because we'd be so physically close to each other yet busy.
73. Distance works in that respect.
74. Distance sucks. I got over it for you and I to love. Suck it up for us.
75. I reread your words all the time. Do you remember when we'd send pages of texts to each other? Those were great times and I felt so connected. But things got shorter and I realize that it's because passion goes down in time. It doesn't have to go away. But a deeper love replaces it.
76. We talk about what we care about. Teaching is one.
77. We share our daily lives with each other. I know you said that maybe we don't need to share the less important stuff, but I kinda got used to it. I got used to you spamming me and stuff. Baby you're a part of me, I'd want to tell you so much.
78. What if we do stay together after we graduate? Just. What if.
79. Even if we don't, you complete me. I'd love to do the same for you for as long as I can.
80. I'm next to your butt right now and I hope you don't fart.
81. When I say something sweet, and you're not feeling it, I need you to tell me so we can get to the root of it.
82. I promise to not be your past. I am better than that.
83. 10 months isn't enough. At all.
84. We made toast one night. We made love before. I loved that. I felt like such a couple.
85. Baby if you're not okay, I'll help you.
86. You need to eat. No matter what, you need to fucking eat and that's final :I
87. I haven't met someone else like you.
88. I still look at you the way I did when I flirted with you before Knox.
89. You're my love. That's enough reason.
90. (Next day) because I like being productive and taking cuddle breaks. It feels real.
91. We still laugh at dumb things. The spit. Lol
92. Am I still your best friend?
93. Is that somewhere you want to draw the line :/
94. We still get enjoyment out of our intellect, I think.
95. I already miss you, but this whole visit was different. I'm wondering how the next one will be. I feel like it won't be good. I feel like you're waiting till my last visit to tell me everything. I feel like you love me but know it won't work right now. I hope I'm wrong. I love you.
96. If I ever get to love your body again, let me know when it doesn't seem like we're connecting emotionally. You're so much more than a body for me. I love you. I want to make love even when I fuck you.
97. When you told me about your professor, I felt close. I loved your honesty and I felt defensive for you and I thought we were perfect. Baby I'm having a hard time seeing what you're saying about feeling distant. The more I look into it the harder it is for me to feel like we were. It's just so odd to me please understand that it's really shocking and affects me. I believe you, but I also need to know if there's something else that is affecting you as well.
98. I'm in my bed alone and I need you.
99. This is one I forgot to explain better. One time when I was sleeping over and you were sleeping on my arm, I felt like such a grown up. I looked at you, and you felt so right next to me. I just thought about how I was sleeping over at my girlfriends house, how I loved her, how perfect she is, and how I want to have more nights like that one. Many more. This was probably the first time I started thinking about us as a future rather than a day by day.
100. I still have reason to believe I won't get to share this with you on a good note. Ill keep trying though. For the sake of myself.
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