Growing up I remember being scared to ask for things we needed such as school supplies, clothes, or the necessary equipment/gear for the sport our dad wanted us to play. He worked hard and deserved to get what he wanted first before anything else cause he earned it, do you think he liked getting up at 5am to catch a ride to wrk that was about 45min a way and not get home till after 5pm,no. And don't bother him after work about homework or going anywhere before his 2-3 HR nap because he'd get mad. It was best to just stay out of the way and only react when he interacted so that you knew what he wanted to do. I remember thinking that there was two daddies the one that was mean and the one that was fun and silly and as long as I didn't mess up or make him mad then fun daddy would stay and everything would be good. When mean daddy was around cause we didn't listen the first time, or me or my sister woke him up from a nap, or I grabbed food cause I was hungry but was told not to it would be days or even weeks before fun dad came back. He would not speak to us and pretend we just didn't exist or tell us we were so bad we didn't deserve food or sleep and he would come wake us up because why should we get sleep if he didn't or the time I was scared to let him use tweezers to get a bug out of my eye and he wouldn't help me with anything or get me anything like food or toys but asked my sister right in front of me because I should have trusted him. All of this taught me that I unworthy and unloved and that I was not enough. To be loved or liked I must do what the other person likes to make them happy and keep them around and that is not ok. I first must reconnect and remember who I am and what I like to do that makes me happy and what I am ok with in all relationship aspects spouse, sibling, parent, children, etc. Once I learn who I am then I can begin to open up to others and if they accept me for me great if they don't then that's fine too Because I want to be me I'm tired of being who I am not. I was deeply conditioned to feel like I was so unworthy that taking care of me became an only if necessary option,so much so I dropped down to 115 lbs, my hair was coming out, my dental health was failing me, and I was severely depressed. I began watching videos and by becoming aware my chain of reaction was shock, disbelief, acceptance, betrayal, anger, and sadness followed by a side of hatred, and a willingness to try to reconcile or move on. I was angry with how my dad treated me allowed myself to be ok with being angry and I allowed myself to be angry with everyone that had been hurtful to me those that could use me for all they needed and just dumped on me never allowing me to lean on them or to be accepted or liked for what I liked to do and I just allowed myself peace for letting those people that continued to be negative and hurtful toward me go. I can feel sad for the loss of what I thought that friendship or relationship was but be ok with moving on because the reality is that it was not healthy if we can only share positive energy between us when the universe is only about you and I'm not being myself and only doing what you want so you will want to hang out with me, then that's not what I want and that's ok. It is ok to disagree with one another it doesnt mean we can't be friends still it is ok to have different ideas and still get along. I'm slowly learning and healing and learning about boundaries what they are, how to set them, and connecting with myself. Included in this recovery process is being what I would categorize as selfish before; joining a gym, getting my nails done, getting hair cuts, getting food I need, a cup of coffee, etc.. If you don't know I hope you are open to hear this beautiful message you are so worth it you are very loved, it is ok to love you by saying yes to what serves you and no to what does not. Namaste ๐๐๐๐
